Everytime I think I have gotten the hang of the parenting thing, something else comes up

@sozobe,

Oh my. You handled it well. I'd have been yelling and dropping the f-bomb and no-one would ever allow their child to come to my house again. You done good.

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@sozobe,

You handled it just fine. Three-way dynamics get even worse as they get older!

One thing though...

sozobe wrote:

Back story to this is that when Esse is over with a group, stuff always happens (by herself, its usually OK). The last time she was over she was playing "cops and robbers" and grabbed really special stuff off our mantel and dinged it up a bit when it was all jostling around in a paper bag. Just, head-smacking "what were you thinking?" stuff. I felt like I had to put my foot down.

As I was reading this part I was reminded of a kindergarten friend of M's and I wondered...

Quote:

Esse is having a meltdown because if I tell her mom, her mom will spank her and never let her come to our house again (as per Esse).

yep... saw the same thing with M's friend, only it was the dad and it was true. M would go there to play in the beginning but I soon noticed that she found excuses to have her friend here instead. She eventually told me it made her nervous to go over there because of all the yelling. She also mentioned spankings, but I don't know that she ever witnessed one.

Today is done. You did fine - more than fine, actually. Tomorrow will bring a new dilemma.

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@sozobe,

Sounds like you handled it great to me.

I might have ended the play date faster, is all....kids don't seem to KEEP it back after getting it back from one of those blow-ups.

The running away thing.....grrrrrr.

The less of Esse the best, methinks.

But, there'll always be an Esse I guess.

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@Eva,

Eva wrote:

And I meant to say, I don't see how you could have handled it any better. I'm not sure I could've managed to keep all of them friends, handle their parents, and not kill anybody. Really good job. I think you DO have the hang of it!

Yeah, I probably would have lost it.

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@sozobe,

And the whispering thing is really crappy.

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I'm impressed. That was a multi level situation and I think you did well on all aspects. I've been sitting here getting angry for you just reading it.

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@sozobe,

Sounds like you handled things very well. Kids, parents, kleenex at the ready. But it's all so stressful, without a doubt. Kids are a trip!!
I can't even talk yet about my day. I will tomorrow morning. Stay tuned, soz. I'm gonna need you if you can handle it. If not, believe me I understand.

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@ossobuco,

You know...that digging up the pet snail thing was really mean...for an extended period.

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@dlowan,

Yeah.

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I would have been lost in a similar situation.

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@dlowan,

Yeah.

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@sozobe,

I think you did fine, you didn't even beat them up after the snail thing. Kids are nuts, and you can't even kick their asses. I'm not sure I have the patience for them.

When you take care of them all the time you can shape their behavior with a lot of work but other people's kids can be little demons and you can't really discipline them. At the park today some kids started throwing gravel at me while I was playing basketball. I asked them to stop politely, but as soon as I turn around another handful rains down on my head and back. I told them they needed to stop but they just giggled and kept at it as soon as I'd turn around.

So I told them to stop or I'd go beat them up. And I think I even meant it, I think if they continued I'd have gone and at the very least physically stopped them. Luckily when I chucked the basketball at the chain-link fence they were standing behind they believed me and ran away.

That was bad enough without knowing their parents or them being my kid's friend. That kind of situation can't be easy and you handled it a lot better than I did with some random stranger's brats.

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@Robert Gentel,

Robert Gentel wrote:

I think you did fine, you didn't even beat them up after the snail thing. Kids are nuts, and you can't even kick their asses. I'm not sure I have the patience for them.

When you take care of them all the time you can shape their behavior with a lot of work but other people's kids can be little demons and you can't really discipline them. At the park today some kids started throwing gravel at me while I was playing basketball. I asked them to stop politely, but as soon as I turn around another handful rains down on my head and back. I told them they needed to stop but they just giggled and kept at it as soon as I'd turn around.

So I told them to stop or I'd go beat them up. And I think I even meant it, I think if they continued I'd have gone and at the very least physically stopped them. Luckily when I chucked the basketball at the chain-link fence they were standing behind they believed me and ran away.

That was bad enough without knowing their parents or them being my kid's friend. That kind of situation can't be easy and you handled it a lot better than I did with some random stranger's brats.

I 'm sorry that u had such an unpleasant experience, Robert.
I imagine that it woud have been even worse, if the perpetrators had been older.

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I think you handled it well, soz. Ah yes, the three girl dynamic. Definitely bad mojo there.

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@eoe,

Hey eoe,

Sure, lay it on me. I'll be busy today so may not respond right away but I'm feeling less frazzled.

Thanks so much for your feedback everyone, it helps.

I'd just had a discussion on Thursday with a friend of mine about whether Esse was purposely coming between sozlet and Kay (who have been best friends for four years), and that's one of the things I worry about in this situation.

On the other hand, yes, the snail-digging was mean and Kay was right in the middle of most of this. If she's going to be like that, maybe for the best that she and sozlet take a step back. (Sigh.)

Sozlet's take is that Kay is "too susceptible to peer pressure." She's a sweetheart when it's just her, but if there's a strong-willed kid in the vicinity she'll kinda go with that.

So, I'm interested in how things will shake out on Monday. They have a great teacher who I trust to handle things that come up at school, if anything comes up. I may send a heads-up to the teacher (just thought of that).

I think I'm going to avoid threes from now on. Esse can come over on her own, Kay can come over on her own, and I'd be willing to watch a group with those two plus one more (but not four kids on an unstructured playdate in the house, that's gone pear-shaped before too).

Robert, yes, one of the hardest things for me to deal with in general is when I ask/ tell a kid to do something and they just plain won't do it. Grrr.

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@sozobe,

I get the peer pressure...but that's a damn nasty dynamic.

Sigh.

I hope Kay's parents are right onto that, and help her figure out the wrongness of it.

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Digging up the snail may have been more about curiosity than meanness, no one really knows.

In any case I founds that :
Diverting the activity helps. When things start to get out of hand or overwhelming for ayone, then change the activity. I also agree that 3's are a problem with girls.

I tell my daughter (with grandkids age 15 and 12) to say YES as much as she can, because the NO's need to be serious and final.

Raising a challenging nephew, I found that I could say three things: yes, No and Is that so?

Good luck. When's she's 30, she'll say How did you do it, Mom? That's the sweetest revenge.

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Not a good thread to see the day after you bring your baby son home from the hospital!

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@Robert Gentel,

Robert Gentel wrote:

When you take care of them all the time you can shape their behavior with a lot of work but other people's kids can be little demons and you can't really discipline them. At the park today some kids started throwing gravel at me while I was playing basketball. I asked them to stop politely, but as soon as I turn around another handful rains down on my head and back. I told them they needed to stop but they just giggled and kept at it as soon as I'd turn around.

I discipline other people's kids all the time. Discipline is an interesting word. To me it's letting someone know when they're out of bounds in such a way that they know there will be consequences if they continue the behavior. Soz did a good job of disciplining Kay and Esse. She told them that their behavior was unacceptable and that the play date would end if it continued. It continued and Kay's mom was called in to take Kay home. Well done, soz!

In your situation I wouldn't have been so nice the first time. If someone throws gravel at me, they'll know immediately that it's unacceptable and not going to happen again without consequences. If it happens again, follow through on the consequences.

It's a kid's job to push the limits and it's an adult's job to let them know when the boundaries have been crossed. Lots of folks confuse discipline with punishment (not saying you do, but there are many who do) - Esse's mom, for example.

Soz, Esse may well be trying to come between Sozlet and Kay. And, if Kay wants to be pulled in that direction then that's where she'll go. Adolescent girl dynamics are no fun. Unfortunately, it does get worse before it gets better.

1 Reply

@JPB,

I told M about this thread and how it reminded me of her friend from kindergarten. She said that she knows lots of kids who have so little opportunity to act out at home (strict behavior codes in the household) that when they get in a more relaxed place (park, your house, my house) they see it as an opportunity to let loose with their pent up need to be a little out of bounds and end up going over the top. I think she may be on to something.

1 Reply

Everytime I think I have gotten the hang of the parenting thing, something else comes up

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