Should I give in to my husband?

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I love my husband very much. We have a very good relationship. However, he has very few friends and depends on me too much for social activity in my opinion. Just about everything we do is with the friends that I have made over the years. We are in our fifties. We were married earlier this year. I like to go out with my women friends to the movies and or casual dinners, we enjoy each other's company. The dynamic changes when the men are there and sometimes we just want to be without men. We are all pretty close and we can talk about more personal things without the guys. I have explained this to my husband until I am blue in the face and he still doesn't like to be alone-as he doesn't have his own friends. I am his world. It gets annoying sometimes. My husband ends up feeling sorry for himself, making comments like, "your friends discriminate against men" or generally acting distant when I get home. I have a good amount of friends who I want to see one on one. My husband and I go out with many people and do other things socially-it is just sometimes I want to do things on my own. I have learned to just ignore it, to be nice to him when I am leaving him alone and to reassure him, but I know he will be sulky when I return. I don't want to be discouraged from spending time with my good friends. Their husbands don't have the problem my husband has. I get tired of his insecurity but I won't be controlled by it-and sometimes I do end up inviting him places because I don't want to deal with his bad reaction. I find it to be very manipulating. Any suggestions?

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@Missy40,

Your position is reasonable. Tell him that if he's so lonely he should start doing something social on his own -- start a bridge group, or a birdwatching group, or take a class, or start volunteering, or something. There are a lot of options out there.

What did he do before he met you? How did he meet you?

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@sozobe,

We met online. We have so much in common in terms of our attitudes and our interests. He was in school for a career change, while working, and had been divorced for a few years before he met me. I think he relied on his former wife for social activities as well. They didn't get along. He spent most of his time in school or with his son, who now has gone off to college. It is not going to be easy to get him to change, I am afraid.

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@Missy40,

I'm a lot like your husband, in that I don't socialize much. I enjoy it when I do, but I don't miss it when I don't.

But I don't begrudge my wife her friends or social outlets.

If he's so lonely, he needs to get his own damn friends and stop leeching off of you.

He may need help in figuring out what to do, though. Do your friends' husbands have a poker group that he could get into?

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@DrewDad,

I know, he needs to get his own friends. I have spent a lot of time being resentful and having an attitude about it, which I think is understandable. I feel the same way-he should get his own friends and not rely on me this way. But my showing him a resentful attitude doesn't help the problem I have found. I need to be very cool and collected about the issue. I need to be strong and not give in about this. He's not really a poker player, although he could probably could be. Maybe he could find some games around the area and I'll encourage him to join --or something!

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@Missy40,

Reminds me of my first marriage, and it's precisely why we divorced. It's possible, of course, that he'll adjust to the fact that you have friends and a social life that doesn't include him in everything but I think that may be wishful thinking. You can allow him to guilt you into giving up your friends, develop a thicker skin so that his sulking doesn't bother you, or divorce. I did all three at various times in the relationship. Good luck!

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@JPB,

Oh Jeez-I don't want to divorce!

I think somewhere between my having a thicker skin and him making his own plans when he sees I am not going to give in. I hope he is willing to change a bit on this.

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To answer your question, Yes, I think it's manipulative. Why is he doing it? Because he can. It sometimes works. Think of him as a child and treat his behaviour accordingly. There is absolutely no reason for you to include him in everything, and it's just too damn bad he has no initiative to find his own friends or be okay on his own. Really, it's too bloody bad. He's an adult, for heaven's sake.

If he is blaming your friends, it's gone to a bad level in his manipulation game. Just don't put up with it and tell him it's a major concern for you and you wonder about his self-reliance, independence, etc, as this is very juvenile behaviour. See what he says to that.

He sounds needy. Ick.

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@Missy40,

Missy40 wrote:

I know he will be sulky when I return..... I get tired of his insecurity but I won't be controlled by it-and sometimes I do end up inviting him places because I don't want to deal with his bad reaction. I find it to be very manipulating. Any suggestions?

He's acting sulky, hoping you're acknowledge that and pay attention to him.

I wouldn't ignore him when he's like that, I would just act as if he wasn't in a snit, and communicate with him as normal.

Why feed into his moods?

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@chai2,

This is a good idea. The thing about this is that I am the one who needs to "handle" the situation-I can't just go do things without worrying about repercussions. It is frustrating. I initially felt it was highly icky and was really angry about it, but I need to get over the anger. I am the one who suffers if I am too angry. It is one of his imperfections, and will take time to work it out. I'm not going to succumb to the neediness. It will take time but he is going to have to see that I'm not going to pay special attention to his neediness. He denies that he is needy. I think this is going to have to be a plan of action and not talk. I don't think he understands talk-he will just need to see that I have a life away from him.

Chai wrote:
He's acting sulky, hoping you're acknowledge that and pay attention to him.

I wouldn't ignore him when he's like that, I would just act as if he wasn't in a snit, and communicate with him as normal.

Why feed into his moods?

1 Reply

@Missy40,

First step in addressing the problem: be direct. Sit him down and have a frank discussion about it.

Second step, identify the problem. Make him tell you what the problem is.

Is he jealous of your friends? Then he needs to understand that people who are married aren't attached at the hip. People need different things from different people, and friends are the way to get it. No one person can meet all the needs of another.

Is he lonely? Then he needs a hobby or a social network of his own. Does he need help or advice on developing these? That's something you might be able to help him with. Take a class (woodworking, photography, gardening, cooking, etc.). Join an interest group. Call a friend to go to dinner with.

1 Reply

@Missy40,

Hello Missy40!

Trust me, his neediness won't go away. He always will be resentful for you
being with your friends without including him. He doesn't have friends of his
own, seems like a loner and at his age it is difficult to change his behavior.

The only thing you can do is grow a thicker skin and ignore his sulking. I would
not include him when you're out with your friends as they will start to resent
him for being there.

I lived like this for many years! At first I succubmed to his wishes and stayed home,
but later on I wised up and just ignored him. It never got better though, on the contrary actually...

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@DrewDad,

DrewDad, in most cases it's jealousy and insecurities on their part. You don't
overcome these things with a simple solution. Sometimes you don't at all!

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@CalamityJane,

At the same time, Missy's situation may not be identical to yours.

Furthermore, jealousy and insecurity can be combated by promoting self-assurance.

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Actions speak louder then words, instead of talking to him about it, design scenarios that have him with other people and away from you, and do it for longer and longer time periods, just like weening a baby or training a dog.

However it will take some years and success is not guenteeed, Pavlovian "Stick & Carrot Conditioning" can work though!

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@DrewDad,

DrewDad wrote:

At the same time, Missy's situation may not be identical to yours.

Then again, it might be.

At the same time, it might not be anything like you're saying.

What's the point in supposing what it's like at all?

cj has good advice, as do you.

personally, I don't feel it's my job to promote anyone's sence of security, well being, self esteem, etc.

oh, I may say or do plenty of things that accomplish just that, but, it's not my job.

It's important, and quite insightful, the the original poster recognizes that she is the one who would need to stop falling into the placating roll.

It seems he will sulk regardless if she tries to placate him or not. So, might as well at least save someone's energy, and choose to go about your normal life.

1 Reply

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

personally, I don't feel it's my job to promote anyone's sence of security, well being, self esteem, etc.

Then I guess we have some different views about what's important in a marriage.

Personally, I help my wife where she needs help, and she helps me where I need help. It's a mutual support system. Sometimes I need more support, and sometimes she needs more.

They're newly married, and are working out the kinks. Advocating divorce, or advocating "I got mine, screw you" is a bit much, IMO.

Maybe the guy's an overgrown child and will never grow up. On the other hand, maybe he just needs some help to develop these life skills.

1 Reply

@DrewDad,

where did I say I don't help out my spouse when he needs help?
where did i say my spouse doesn't do the same?

I said....it's not my JOB to do that. I do plenty of things that accomplish just that, but it's not my job.

where did I advocate divorce, or I got mine, screw you?

Having someone around, be it spouse, parent, friend that wants it to be your job to provide support and confirmation, affirmation to the point that it takes away from you as a individual both literally and figuratively sucks the life out of you.

Then, there's not enough left of you to provide any sort of support.

The Prophet on Marriage
by Khalil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:

You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.

Drew dad, you're just going into one of your regular bouts of douchebaggery, and I won't engage you.
Instead, I'll let you sulk, and go about my posts, not addressing this any longer with you.

1 Reply

@Missy40,

Missy40 wrote:

I am his world. . . . Any suggestions?

Your hubby needs to transfer some of those passionate feelings that he has for you into a hobby -- something that occupies both his hands and his mind. Here's a suggestion. Tell your husband that you want a table that looks like this one:

BEFORE--

http://www.glassmosaictileart.com/sitebuilder/images/table01-1_adjusted-385x282.jpg

AFTER--

http://www.glassmosaictileart.com/sitebuilder/images/table15-03-NEW_adjusted-386x284.jpg

LINK TO WEBSITE

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@Missy40,

Missy40 wrote:

He spent most of his time in school or with his son, who now has gone off to college.

This may be important, in and of itself. My parents are divorced and my dad had a really difficult time when I went off to college. He was probably about the same age as your husband at the time. He did get through it -- as in, he did change. But that one thing was incredibly hard for him.

It sounds like the son is an only child? (I am.)

Perhaps some sort of counseling could help, though it also sounds like he might be the type to take umbrage if you suggest it...?

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Should I give in to my husband?

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