Should I give in to my husband?

your passing judgement that the questioner is defective will be ever so helpful, methinks.....


Among the multitudes of options on the table includes not leaving the girls nights out open for veto, but rather showing compassion and concern for the negative effects that it has on this guy. Talking about it, and perhaps the wife doing something with the husband that he really wants to do but that she is not too crazy about would resolve the issue.

There probably is no quick fix, but continuing the negotiation process, continuing to talk about it, is critical. My wife and I have had disagreements that have taken us years to work out, but in the end the process of working them out is a binding experience. I'll bet that most of the folk who are against negotiation have at least one failed marriage to show for their bad attitudes.

Unfortunately, this is not a good forum to solve relationship problems. This is a perfect site to reinforce your own feelings; you'll get plenty of people to take your side and prove that you are right. So you have to decide what is most important, to be right or to have a good relationship. The marriage itself is above and beyond the individual wants and needs, and it must be seen as such.

I reiterate what I said earlier; if there are problems in a relationship seek a professional, not friends, relatives, or online buddies.

I am wondering if this relationship ignorance is generational? I can't imagine anyone from my grandparents generation not understanding that what is a problem for one person in the relationship is a problem for both. Blowing the concern off, telling the mate "tough ****" is not an option..... that is the act of blowing up the relationship.

Introduce your husband to meetup.com. Ask him to pick out at least two local groups that interest him and one group he thinks would interest the both of you.
Tell him you will participate with him in that one group's activities and meetings and that he should go solo with the other two groups and you will do the same.

You might be able to work it out so that you are participating together in that one group once or twice a month and then each of you are participating alone in your individual interests once or twice a month.

Meetup.com has an very active online community where he can break the ice a bit before meeting up in person with the group.

Here's a link to just some of the topics that meet up groups have formed around:

http://www.meetup.com/topics/

There are 66,223 Meetup Groups around the world meeting about 22,980 interests…

Actually...what is a problem for one person is a problem for the relationship. What is a problem for the relationship, may not be a problem to the other person as an indivdual (and may even be necessary to that person as an individual).

When that happens...the individual needs to look at what is at stake for him/her as an individual and what is at stake for the relationship...and come to some decision about possible solutions...which they can discuss with their partner who has the problem.

...if you sacrifice who you are as an individual there will always be some bitterness towards the other for the loss. If what upsets them isn't about who you are, then there is leeway to accomodate...and those sort of balancing acts can only ever be evaluated by the individual.

Thanks to everyone for your interesting replies. There are many points of view here. I knew my husband was this way before I married him. I married him because I love him and we definitely are happier together than we both were single. He has lots of interests, he just doesn't hang out with any guys. He is an excellent musician and a naturalist. The situation is a little weird, I know. It bothers me and that is why I wrote in. But others have had other more serious problems. My life could be much worse. He is funny, reliable, cute, healthy, and talented. I don't know how I can get him to hang out with any other people-it has to be up to him. I don’t think he is interested in any other women, as I try to make him happy and I believe he will always be loyal to me, and I will be to him. Some of the advice for me to have a thicker skin is very useful. I will just keep doing what I am doing by seeing friends periodically and not letting my anticipation of his reaction enter into my thinking. He doesn’t like it-too bad. He needs to deal with it. He does listen and I believe he will modify his behavior in time. If he sulks, then I get irritated-and he knows on some level that my irritation is justified so he backs off. Another's advice about bringing who I am-with my world and social connections-makes my relationship with him stronger. I am really happy with him about 85 percent of the time and I think that is pretty good for a marriage. I will just have to work on the other time, and find some strategies for coping with the bad behavior. Thanks again!

I'm sorry but I do not agree with the majority of posters here. I look at it this way: when you commit to marrying someone it is no longer You and Him it becomes the two of you as one. Whatever his problems they become yours and vice versa. You married an anti-social man so that is something you will have to live with if you stay married to him. I'm sure you have some things about yourself that he does not like either. That is no reason to divorce as some here have suggested. That is just crazy! My feeling is that since you are married to him YOU should adjust. Don't expect him to. Remember too, you are no longer single and YOU did not marry your "lady" friends. YOU married your husband, therefore you rightly should be with him. The problem really is that you want to retain your lifestyle the way you had it before but now it is not the same since you are now married. YES, unfortunately (or fortunately) marriage changes things, and even though our society sings praises to of independent women the fact is that that attitude does not promote a happy marriage. That is fine if you wish to be by yourself. Marriage is actually "Dependency". And although that might not be popular around here it's true. Your husband is dependent on you for companionship and other things as I'm sure you depend on him for things too. That's marriage!

Sorry if you don't appreciate my advice or views but all this talk about him (your husband) being the problem and him needing to find his own friends and bla bla bla is just a way to put the blame on him, when it is really not a problem at all it is just the way you are choosing to look at it. Change your focus and turn the picture around and you will see it differently (from another angle) for the sake of the future of your marriage.

Maybe because he is married to her, HE should adjust.

Perhaps he could change his focus and turn the picture around and he will see it differently (from another angle) for the sake of the future of their marriage.

A marriage is no dependency - it's a union where both parties are equally entitled to their rights an are equally responsible towards their obligations.
Granted that it is difficult to keep a balance and sometimes one is more in need
than the other and vice versa, however, if the balance is uneven for a length
of time, the person who is giving and not receiving will have to reassess if
the relationship is worth keeping.

This is the funniest belief...and the cause of so much suffering.

Who's in control?...and why does someone always end up in control if this belief were true?

Why do people still worry about their individuality?

Why do many people want to 'find themselves' after marriage (it's because of that belief btw)

Why do people still have conflict?

How does a person grow if they are no longer who they are (the answer is 'of course they are still who they are')

What do they contribute to the relationship if they are 'one'

The silliness of that belief is unsupportable through any logic whatsoever - yet it's a romantic (and religious) belief that many people hold to, with no thought about the implications if it were actually to be true.

You can have a marriage based upon equality if you want one, however there are other options which people use and claim to prefer. Look up power exchange relationship and get back to me about how equality is mandatory.

Dependency in and of itself is not a problem if what you are dependent upon is always available. Likewise, addictions are only a problem if you cant get what you are addicted to, or if it keeps you from something that you want. Being in a relationship were you are dependent upon the other keeps you from being independent, but if you don't want to be independent this is not a problem.

This is another example of Calamity telling other people what they are supposed to want, when most of us are in the real world enough to know that lots of people want what she would not allow...

You denigrate the belief when you have said elsewhere that you know that a lot of experts believe it to be true. If you know your history you know that this belief has often been the conventional wisdom.

You post was predicated upon a dishonesty on your part.

A marriage is A, B and the union AB, my life experience shows me that this is true.

This thread illustrates the reasons for my despair about back and forth talk between all of us. All these type of threads now seem to devolve to fluming between agenda oriented folks and the occasional out-louded ordinary posters. It's damned depressing.

Hi Osso,

Don't let it get you down - make your own world

Hi Hawkeye,



Um...that belief is straight out of the bible.



Apart from the silliness of stating that questions (the vast majority of the post) are based on dishonesty (which is by definition impossible, because there hasn't been an answer yet)....

...Perhaps you should read my previous posts in this thread before you make assumptions about a persons honesty. It is in line with what I've previously said (not just here, but in numerous threads).



...that's exactly what I said.

Would you like to clarify what your point is? (it appears confused)