Should I give in to my husband?

Oh, please. You went out of your way to engage me. Go back and look at the conversation.

I'm not the one getting defensive; that's you. I never criticized your advice, and I never criticized your views on marriage. I just said we have different opinions. You really think that's douchebaggery?

Draw him a diagram.

(Me) ----> (Relationship) <---- (You)
(Individual / Me) --->contribution to relationship---> (Relationship) <---contribution to relationship <--- (Individual / you)

1 + 1 does not = 1
1 & 1 forms (relationship)
(note - neither of the 1's disappear in the second formula)

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Two individuals form a relationship, and what they contribute is their unique self.

Their unique self includes the world that they have created (their relationships, their energy, their compasion/love/emotions, their internal values/thoughts/opinions/perceptions, their pursuits / hobbies /activities / interests etc)

Those two unique selves contribute their individual 'creation' (ie the individual) to a new 'creation' (ie. the relationship)

Women may not realise it, but their attraction to a man is based largely on his 'world' (ie his 'creation), and his ability to create (ie his ability to achieve, his ambition, his persistence in the face of adversity, his vision etc)

Creating a strong world allows the woman to be drawn into it.

However, when a man doesn't have his own world, he can move into his womans world (excuse the wording please)...and this doesn't lift the woman up - rather it drains her, because she has to create for both him and her....

A balance should always be struck between the time you give to yourself, and the time you give to your relationship. If you give no time to yourself, it is much harder to contribute your unique individual self to the relationship (which is a co-created entity that you and your husband create together).
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In answer to your question - it may make life more difficult to 'not give in', but keeping your friends the way you like them will keep you happier long term. Show empathy, and be firm.

Some guys prefer the company of women over men, or more precisely, one good, strong relationship with a woman; that's one reason they get married.
Insist that your husband find his own friends, and he may eventually find a woman to suit his needs.

If my husband said that to me, I'd take that as a threat, and tell him not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out.

If he did that, I'd say he's not worthy of being my husband and the woman who can suit his needs is welcome to him.

So what, the alternative is not being able to have a life of your own?
Is the wife chattel that can't spend time with friends?

The alternative is to not antagnoize the situation. It seems that people are quick to take sides here rather than offer constructive solutions. This leads only to break-ups. Probably an objective third party would be of help, that is, a counselor.

pfft - the husband is already antagonising the situation. To 'not antagonise' is to 'give in'. That's what happens in a lot of domestic violence relationships (not saying this is - but you are giving dangerous advice by saying 'don't antagonise') - the woman modifies her behaviour so she 'doesn't antagonise' the husband, and then comes to blame herself for 'not doing the right thing to stop his anger' when she gets beaten up by the husband.

A person always needs to be true to their feelings. They can do so in a firm and respectful way, that is considerate of their partner,and firm in it's intentions.

You know what a counselor would suggest?

Mr X, you need to let your wife have interests outside of your relationship.



How is the wife antagonizing the situation, when she's the one who can't even spend a few hours with outside interests?
You don't feel it would be antagonizing the situation for Mr. X to look elsewhere?

Would you like her to wear a burka as well?


pfffft indeed.

The option that has not been mentioned is to negotiate a deal. If the couple desire to stay married they will give it their best shot.

Much as I hate to comment on something that chickenhawk wrote, this word negotiate has been poking at my brain.

To be able to "negotiate a deal" fairly, it has to be assumed both parties have equal negotiating abilities.

Taking any random couple, I don't believe you would often find 2 people together that would be able to come up with a truly fair deal.
Depending on the situation, one of the two will mostly end up with the short end of the stick, as he/she has more to lose by not agreeing to an unfair deal.

In this case, the wife has more to lose by not being able to see her friends without him tagging along, than the husband does by agreeing everyone needs some me time, and perhaps finding something else to engage him for the odd 2 or 3 hours his wife is not joined to his hip.

It depends on how well the person who is seeking a normal outlet for their interests can ignore a whiney butt who is demanding constant attention.

I feel sorry for you that your life has brought you to the point of such nonsense. Love demands that we seek a result of negotiation that benefits both parties, the marriage depends upon it. One person very well be less able to negotiate effectively, but in marriage the other will take this into consideration, and will give ground that could have been taken by force, not out of altruism but out of self interest.

I would love to hear your alternative to negotiation. Is it your position than intimate relationships be run by some kind of rule book imposed upon them by the collective? As you know I am completely against that, you have to trust people to run their own lives even though sometimes they will not do such a great job of it. The alternative is to produce weak people, and tend to produce stupid people.

Toddlers are able to negotiate deals which they are satisfied with, even if observers don't think the deals are all "fair."

The point isn't "fair." The point is happiness.


Only if that's how the OP decides to "address" the problem.

it sure as **** is not about what some person outside of the relationship thinks is fair.....or right.

I can't imagine myself tolerating a controlling husband, or, if I were a guy, a controlling wife. Other people may vary.
I easily agree with JPB, Calamity Jane, and Chai. And I react with a heavy ick factor here, with a bit of room for saying I don't know these folks and perhaps underestimate the potential of the husband.

I do see where Drew Dad is coming from, and will admit his ideas are worth a try - but I'd make it a reasonably short try, as Miaay'a husband seems to have a dependence history. Decades more of this would depress the jolliest spirit. What Missy would do if he continues this behavior - explore her feelings and her options.

In the meantime, I'm not sure he would fancy Vikorr's diagram, looks a little academic, but I agree with the diagram's content. Vikorr's further description of the deadening nature of what is going on now for the woman is right on to me. It may be deadening for the man too, but it seems part of a long pattern.

Meantime, welcome to a2k, Missy40.

I think it's a mistake thinking someone else is going to change. They might, but we can only influence our own change.

We either adjust to how the other person is, or make our plans.

Oh yes, of course, without a doubt this will always happen

This sort of statement is just an example of how a control freak explains to another that, contrary to what they are feeling, they really are being allowed input of their own.

As long as we're talking about feeling sorry for someone, my pity goes out to your wife, or any other female that falls for the load of horseshit.

How happy can you be if you aren't being treated fairly in a relationship?

Not very.

People change all the time, and they can definitely be influenced by others.

You can't make someone change, though.

I know plenty of couples that are happily married in spite of what outsiders might view as "unfairness" in the relationship. Seems to me that there's just more than meets the eye.

if fairness matters to you then by all means be in a relationship that is fair. What others do however is none of your business. You are an outsider at any rate, you are in no position to evaluate a relationship even if you insist that you have the right to judge.

What I want to know from the poster is "Didn't you know this before you started to live with him???" and "what did you do about it when you were dating?" What was your very FIRST clue the guy was so needy and what were you thinking about when you got more involved??

I wouldn't negotiate with him whatsoever. I have the right to my activities and friends and space. Period. Obviously, I wouldn't be spending 7 nights out of 7 away from him, but assuming we're talking a reasonable amount of time away from him, if you have to bargain for your own time and space, there's something really wrong with this picture.

And why would anyone want to be with someone who had no interests or friends outside of their partner? Egad, what a disaster.

And I agree with ehBeth about changing people or not doing it or being able to do it, I should say. Too late now, methinks.