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Mon 20 Jul, 2009 06:53 pm
Hi everybody
How are you all doing?
Do you remember me? I'm the girl with "the abusive husband in every way". I have given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I have been busy looking after her. Well, updating to what I wrote before giving birth. I just want to say my birth was fine and I have giving birth naturally.
My husband was not allowed to come in the labour room, as I have demanded. I now have my daughter and put in a prohibited steps order and residency order to say he's not allowed to come near me or remove my daughter from my care. This is temporary until the court hears his side of the story and makes final decisions.
I'm writing to say I have strong fears that my husband will hurt my daughter if I don't abide by his rules. I have known my husband for almost 3yrs and I know what he's capable of doing. In the past he would make love to me without my consent and would tell me he has every rights, as I’m his wife, which I don't think is fair. He would even have sex with me when I’m sick, sleeping, on my period and during my pregnancy etc. In other words, my husband cannot control his desires of sex when they come, find out more on: MY HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE TO ME IN EVERY WAY, WHAT DO I DO? HELP! And you'll know what I mean.
To be honest, I don't want him near my daughter because I fear him and want my daughter to be safe. My husband like I said, have done so many horrible things to me in the past of which I was vulnerable and defenceless as I was pregnant. I did not have any freedom of speech what so ever; it was all about what he wants. I feared my husband so much that I did not report any of the abuses to the police because I was warned not to or else. I now wish I did.
I was a victim of rape in the past of which I also didn’t report but now is not just about me, I have a daughter who I need to keep safe. I have never had justice done to me and would like that now.
I have deep feelings that if justice is not done, my husband will one day take my daughter out of the country or will rape her as well as he doesn't care about anyone's feeling as long as he gets his first.
He didn’t care about my feelings, what makes me think he would care about my daughter's feeling or age.
I'm a young 20years old girl who really wants help, justice and safety for my daughter. I would die if I loose my daughter to him or if he ever hurts my baby. Been raped at the age of 11 is not an easy thing to forget as no matter what you do or where you go these thoughts remains in your mind. It affects you emotionally and mentally and to have these recalled again by a person you though you could love and trust, make things worse.
I have my daughter registered already and she has my last name. I had to put my husband's name on the birth certificate as we were married on the day she was born. I was devastated when I had to do that, as I did not want to have him as the father on my daughter's birth certificate. I just wanted to get a divorce and have his paternity rights removed, as all he gave me was hell. I don't think he deserves to have the paternity rights because he has not supported me through my pregnancy but only thought of him.
My main question is:
Can I remove his name as the biological father on my daughter's birth certificate and just have blank? If yes, how?
Can I tell the court that I don't want him to have direct contacts with my daughter and why? If yes, again how?
I'm sorry this might sound awful but I hate my husband so much for what he's done to me? I just want to get a divorce, finalise things and move on to take care of my daughter. I have been through a lot of stress concerning the whole matter.
All I want now is justice. My husband wants me back now, saying he promise things will be better but I do not believe him because he said that to me many times and things got worse. He's only been nice now because he's loosing his case in court and I don't want to be fooled again.
I also do not want my daughter to know that her father is a rapist. I don't want her to know him at all. She does not deserve that. I want the best interest for her.
I have lost trust in men and don't think I will be able to love again or if I ever do, it will take time because love for me now does not exist.
First love fucked up, big time. And
Once a rapist, always a rapist
Once a wife beater, always a wife beater
Once a cheater, always a cheater
There's no way I will go back to the suffering of the past or allow my daughter to go through it.
Please help and reply with what you think.
Take care,
New Mum
I'm sure others will reply with far better answers than mine as unfortunately I have none. I want to lend some emotional support in whatever way I can. You are showing the courage and determination to survive. I must say that you are scuceeding,,,you would fucked up if you had stayed and let him continue.
You have some legal concerns and issues that are best answered by a qualified lawyer. Can you afford one? If not, have you notified the appropriater agencies for free legal aid? You msot likely can qualify for that...can't you? What have those agencies told you so far?
I have the deepest sympathy for your family, you and your situation. I'm a bit unclear about where you live so I'm not sure exactly how to advise you about resources and laws. I'll leave this for others who are more familiar with your situation. A restraining order seems to be one legal tool in this process. Is that in effect and working out?
I wish nothing but the best for you and your family to avoid any future contact with this animal.
@Ragman,
Thank you Ragman,
Well, i have a prohibited steps order but i'm not sure if it's the same as a restraining order. I will have to double check with my attorney. But yes i have something working out.
@Ragman,
Sorry, but i'm based in UK/England
@New Mum to be,
OK ...good work. I'll say a prayer that you can pull away from this man totally and obtain divorce.
Please return to your prior thread so that others who were advising you can help again. There were some really good advisors there. Once you post there, they'll be notified through A2k that you need added help. Click here to return to that thread:
http://able2know.org/topic/131223-1#post-3620626
@Ragman,
Ok, thank you.
I didnt know and i have done that. You know still getting use to the website.
But once again, thank you for your sympathy and prayers.
Take care
@New Mum to be,
No problem. We on A2K were all beginners once.
You're very welcome.
Your situation is very tragic and is a dire emergency. Don't let up and keep asking your lawyer all the questions until you have until you get ALL the answers you seek. Don't be shy or too scared to ask -- even if it's not something you're used to doing. This is about your survival and the survival of your baby.
Good luck
In the meantime, try to relax. You are taking steps to protect your daughter. Babies can pick up on nervousness and distractability of the mother. She needs your attention now. I am sure you have a counselor. Express your concerns to that person.
@Ragman,
I will do just that thank you.
And also thank you for the encouragement.
@sullyfish6,
I will do just that too. I'm also trying to keep my head up high and keep my smile on for my daughter. But my heart will feel peace when this whole thing come to an end.
Thank you for the encouragment
@New Mum to be,
First as the father he had as must rights to be with your daughter as you do and no you can not remove him as the father on the birth records.
Now if you can prove that he is likely to harm your daughter not just your feelings the court I am sure will look at your proof.
Now as far as bad mouthing your ex-husband to your daughter by calling him a rapist or whatever it is my opinion that the courts could very well remove the child from you for doing something of that nature.
@BillRM,
Out of curiosity, seeing your handing out legal advice to this woman in dire emergency, are you a lawyer?
@Ragman,
So you think it take a lawyer to know that a father at least in the US have as must rights to be in a child life as the mother or that the courts would need some proof that the father is a danger to his own daughter before taking any actions to limit his rights to be in her life?
Second it does not take a lawyer to know that family courts in the US had also come to frown on one parent doing his or her best to destroy the other parent relationship with the child and there had been cases where the courts had change custody because of such behavior by one parent.
Telling the girl without any proof that her father is a rapist for example would seem to fit here!
Now English family courts might not see all the above in the same light but I would not bet off hand they would be delights with this lady and cheerfully removed the husband/father rights to be a parent to make her happy.
@Ragman,
Here is a small part of a long study of 16 cases of Alienation of a child by one parent against the other and please take note in three of the cases the courts did change custody.
Once more this is the US system.
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/dunne.htm
The cases were analyzed to determine the approximate amount of time between the separation and the onset of alienation, as determined by the clinician retrospectively. In five of the cases, onset appeared to be coincident with the separation. In two of the cases, alienation appeared within six months after separation. In four more cases, the alienation became apparent from one to two years after separation. In the final four cases, the alienation occurred between three and six years after separation.
In looking at interventions to deal with the alienation from a parent, a wide range of both legal and clinical processes were identified. In three of the cases, a change of custody away from the alienating parent or a strict limitation of that parent's contact with the child(ren) was implemented by the court system. In all three cases, this was successful in eradicating the alienation. There were no cases in which a change of custody occurred but the alienation continued. In the other thirteen cases, various interventions were tried, ranging from therapy for each of the parents individually, therapy for the parents together, therapy for the children with the alienated parent, therapy fur the children with the alienating parent, and the assignment of a Guardian Ad Litem to the case. In two of these cases, the children were evaluated as having experienced "some" or "minimal" improvement in their relationship with the alienated parent. In the other eleven cases, there was no improvement and in two of these cases, the alienation was evaluated as "worse" after these interventions.
DISCUSSION
@BillRM,
Crying rape has always been problematic. Was that a movie? I remember the title. When I was raped, people at a certain agency assumed it was a 'cry rape' situation. I didn't want to talk about it. Lot of religious palliative talk, assumptive of my being a fallen woman.
My no was clear but useless.
Rape is real, in marriage or out of it, no matter what Hawkeye says in rapo flagrante on a2k.
It is hard to prove, and various sides will agree with that, as the act usually doesn't have witnesses, and not all rapes beat the woman or man up, much less the person raped wanting to report it to some agency.
Do you have to afflict the guy in some kind of proof? Guys can be stronger.
I know this now.
This has affected lives for millennia, but is still brutal intervention.
I'm a woman who doesn't always come down on the side of women in the relationships issues on a2k. Go ahead and quantify all my posts. I'm interested in comments.
this
@ossobuco,
I think I'll add that I posted you should talk to a lawyer before declaring the father on the birth certificate. I hope you talk with one now.
@BillRM,
I would be interested to know if there is scientific consensus on that, because it sounds right to me. It reminds me of some movie where a six year old or so child is talking to her mom, whom she is bonded with and with whom she lives most of the time. The child has just witnessed the mom's rage at the dad yet again (behind dad's back of course), and goes to hug her mom and says something to the effect "I don't know about all of the stuff that you keep talking about, but I will hate him if you want me too". This rang true to life to me.
I suspect that the only cure for attempts at parental alienation is to strip the offender of custody, at least temporarily.
Hawkeye is someone to get used to. Many a2kers have him on ignore.. because of what we take as rapine. Please don't make any of your decisions based on his posts.
@ossobuco,
Ossobuco my problem is that she seem completely unstable and wish for a magic wand to removed her husband not only from her life but her daughter.
That little girl have a right to both parents as a matter of course unless it can be shown that the father is a danger to the child in some manner.
Now the cry of wife abuse or even married rape does not address the issue of this gentleman being a danger to his daughter and surely not without firm proof of either or both having occur in fact.
As a side note once many years ago I did many hours of unpaid research in aiding my now wife in achieving her PHD and found in the course of that research that over 90 percent of women claims in divorce/custody actions of sexual abuse of the children by the fathers was not later proven to be true.
Frankly I was more then slightly amaze that the figure could be anywhere near that high or that women would be willing to level such false charges against their former mates even in custody battles.
@BillRM,
Quote:Now the cry of wife abuse or even married rape does not address the issue of this gentleman being a danger to his daughter and surely not without firm proof of either or both having occur in fact
it would be highly unusual for a man to be an sexual abuser of adult women as well as little girls, spousal rape even if verified should not have any impact on parental rights.
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