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My husband is abusive to me in every ways. What do I do? HELP!!

 
 
Reply Tue 7 Apr, 2009 09:01 pm
Hello to everyone,

This is my first time on this site. But yeah i want some advice from the women that may have gone through what i'm about to say. I'm a 20 years old girl and newly married. My husband and I know each other for 2 years. My parents never approved of our relationship but my love for this man is to deep, if you know what i mean.
Everything was fine in our first 1 years and 5 months relationship. He would treat me like a queen and buy me whatever i wanted. He always made sure i was happy and would put me first in his priority.
But then one day we had an argument and he slapped me on my chick, i was so shocked and surprise but then he said he was sorry that he would never do that again, i forgave him because this happened the first time.
Then a month later on one romantic day, he took me out to one of the most beautiful restaurant where he proposed to me and i said "Yes". So 4 months later we moved in together inspite of my parents disagreement Again this i did out of love for him.
Moving in with him was not what i have expected it to be, we often got into unnecessary arguments, where he would began to get verbally abusive. Then one day i got very sick and collapse in our flat, i was rushed to hospital where i was told i was 2 months pregnant but also had fibroid which caused the pain. I devastated as i was not expecting it and it was not planned. I was discharge from hospital 2 days later.
When we got back home that same night he forced me to have sex with him inspite of me saying No. I cried of pain and betrayal. I could not believe that the man i love with all my heart would do this to me. He said sorry that he would never do this to me again and he promised. He could not control his feelings. Couple of weeks went by and we had another argument, where he lost his temper and physically abused me without thinking about my unborn baby, he threw a bottle which hit my head. I went out of the flat that night because of fear that he would kill me and slept outside on the street. I didnt have anyone else to go to for help and shelter as it was late and didnt want to go to my parents because they would blame me and say "we told you so". I was not ready for another argument or blame.
The next day i went for help and shelter but then never went back because i was too scared and ashamed to tell anyone about it. I went back to the flat to collect my mobile phone charger as my phone was running out of battery. I met him in the flat where he begged, cried that he loved me, and would never hurt. He told me that he was depressed. My heart felt pity and i went back in the flat to live with him, hoping that he would change and things will go back to normal as when we first met. Things went great and her treated again like a queen, i was so happy that we planned our wedding and got married and i also informed my parents about it and also about me been pregnant, as i wanted to keep the pregnancy.
But, things got worse and worse after our marriage, he got more verbally and sexually abusive toward me. I got more scared, with low self esteem. He would force me to have sex with him whenever he wanted to and i could not say no. I would cry and beg him to stop when he forced me but he would just continue and tell me to wait that he's coming, after when he's done he would ask me how it was and if i enjoyed it. I would just look at him with strong fear and say nothing. Then one day things got out of hand and i packed out of the flat to move in with my family, lying to him that i would only stay there for the christmas and would come back for the new year which was last year, but i never did. He find out and was very angry with me that one day he came to my mum's house and ask to talk with me in private, so i did. Only for him to ask me to go back in the house that i'm his wife and he has all rights. I refused and he got so mad and threatened to take away my baby when she's born and there was nothing i can do about it. I cried of fear and worri, the argument was so loud that my mum and other family members called into the room. I've explained what was wrong that he treathened to take away my baby when she's born. With everyone questioning him, he changed and denied it. I got blames from my family about i shouldnt have married him in the first place and it's all my fault. I was so heartbroken, betrayed, scared and decided to keep all the verbal, physical and sexual abuse i went throught a secret from my family.
Ever since i've been living with my mum and my 4 sisters and things are better now with me, i feel safer, supported, more loved and cared for but still don't want to tell my family anything.
I'm now 8 months pregnant, my baby is due in June the 2nd this year. I still fear moving back with my partner but i don't know how to tell him, i've always feared him and he always made me feel inferior due to my not having a uk leave to remain residency but now i do, i was granted uk residency this year March. We're still in touch but mostly on the phone. He calls to ask about his unborn daughter and says he promise to change and will make it up to me if i move back in with him. I'm worried about my daughter's safety, i mean i can't forget the day he threathened to take her away. I can't move on with another man as he threatened to kill me and whichever man i go out with next.
I don't know what to do, I loved, trusted and devoted my life to him but all this has changed ever since he changed to a monster. Now to be honest i want to end our marriage but at the same time i'm scared of what he might do. I honestly still and have always have loved him but then i need to do the right thing for my daughter due soon.
I'm confused and don't know what to do? I doubt that he would change because that's what he kept telling me during the abuse but no change occured.
One more thing me getting pregnant was due to his verbal abuse. He told me if i really loved him, to proove it by giving him a child and he would anything to make me happy in return. If i didnt then that meant to him that i don't love him and was cheating or keeping myself for another man during our relationship and he would leave me for another girl. Because of what happened to me in the past which he's aware off, i did as he said to make him happy and have someone to love and care for me. I guess i wanted security.
I was sexually abused at the age of 11 by a stranger and that's how i've lost my virginity. Although happy on the outside, my inside says the contrary. I'm emotionally and mentally affected. I still have flashbacks of my past experience and now this i have to overcome.
Please any women out there, do reply as i'm worried and don't know if i should leave him
move in back with him and see if he changes or
end our marriage for good.

Many thanks in advance,
New Mum to be,

 
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Apr, 2009 09:27 pm
@New Mum to be,
I'm decidedly not one of the girls, but I know a few of them...

seems to me even you know that you need to move on from this crap.

(It's kinda thin tonight, but some of the ladies should be along later)

welcome to A2K.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Apr, 2009 09:31 pm
@Rockhead,
I don't really know what to say other than the obvious - you need to get rid of your husband/partner/whatever you're calling him. He's abusive - what else do you need to know? He could do this to your child. Enough said! He's unreliable and unsteady... and abusive! How many teeth do you want to lose?

Tell your family ALL and tell them NOW. Get some support from them. Abject yourself if you have to and apologize. You and your baby are the most important things right now.

He is not worthy of you. Get away from him for good.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Apr, 2009 09:32 pm
@Rockhead,
I don't really know what to say other than the obvious - you need to get rid of your husband/partner/whatever you're calling him. He's abusive - what else do you need to know? He could do this to your child. Enough said! He's unreliable and unsteady... and abusive! How many teeth do you want to lose?

Tell your family ALL and tell them NOW. Get some support from them. Abject yourself if you have to and apologize. You and your baby are the most important things right now.

He is not worthy of you. Get away from him for good.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Apr, 2009 09:32 pm
@Rockhead,
I don't really know what to say other than the obvious - you need to get rid of your husband/partner/whatever you're calling him. He's abusive - what else do you need to know? He could do this to your child. Enough said! He's unreliable and unsteady... and abusive! How many teeth do you want to lose?

Tell your family ALL and tell them NOW. Get some support from them. Abject yourself if you have to and apologize. You and your baby are the most important things right now.

He is not worthy of you. Get away from him for good.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Apr, 2009 09:32 pm
Oy, double posts are not allowed but triple posts are? Hmmm...
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Apr, 2009 09:43 pm
Mame and rockhead have told the truth. The man will never be a good father or husband. I believe also that you need to get with your family members and ask them for help.
0 Replies
 
Xenoche
 
  0  
Reply Tue 7 Apr, 2009 10:14 pm
So, he was great early in the relationship while both of you were in the 'love bubble', eventually it burst, and he now realizes he doesn't even like you and hast not the gonads to face up to that fact because it would make the whole time you spent together a complete waste. Then he got better because like most thoughtless dingbats he thought being married would somehow make him change but, if you don't like the person to begin with its destined to fail, marriage is not a substitute for counseling or telling him to bite the kerb. Getting pregnant was a bit stupid (dont worry, your not the only one) when your relationship was hardly stable. You will have to rid yourself of him for the good of your child, since its to late for an abortion, you will have to spend the rest of your life looking into your child's eyes only to remember it's prick of a father. Isn't life a complete bitch.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Wed 8 Apr, 2009 04:16 am
Get while the gettin's good. Contact your family and ask them to help you. They most likely will.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Wed 8 Apr, 2009 07:28 am
@New Mum to be,
Quote:
When we got back home that same night he forced me to have sex with him inspite of me saying No. I cried of pain and betrayal.


What you have described here, and in other places, is RAPE. The father of your child is a rapist. It is NOT going to get better, only worse. Yours was a common scenario. The man acts like a prince until he has you hooked emotionally...........................and then the meanness comes out. He is attempting to control you in many ways, including insuring that you became pregnant.

Get away from him as soon as possible. There is nothing shameful about what happened to you. What would be shameful, is if you do not learn from your experience.

If you were sexually abused as a younger person, you might want to consider therapy, so that you don't keep choosing abusive men.
0 Replies
 
JustBrooke
 
  4  
Reply Wed 8 Apr, 2009 08:55 pm
It isn’t really YOU that he loves. It’s the control that he has over you that he loves. So the next time he begs you to come back, remember that.

Also, this isn’t just about you anymore. You have a baby inside of you that is dependent upon the decisions that you make. Going back to your abuser could cost the life of this child if he hurts you again. Or after the child is born, what’s to stop him from hurting your child, then? Could you live with that the rest of your life? I’ve been there. And believe me, you don’t want that agony. It never leaves you. The heart of a Mother that loses a child due to any cause is hard to bare. Tis a compounded affliction if that loss might have been adverted .

Abusers feel a sense of entitlement. Their thinking goes something like this: “I want something.... You should give me anything I want.... If you don’t give it to me, you are defying me.... If you defy me, you deserve to be punished.... When I punish you, it is your own fault... Therefore, it is my right to put you back in your place.”

It’s the external “locus of control.” They see their behavior as being controlled by others. That’s why the blame is pushed onto someone else. When they strike, it is justified within the confines of their mind. In other words, “I didn’t want to hit you, but you forced me into it.”

Even if an abuser wants to stop, it can be difficult for them. They may tell you that they will never do it again; however, they have such poor impulse control, that the weight of that is generally bigger than their desire to change. So they rarely keep their promise to never hit you again.

Men, such as you described, have to win every battle. But they lose the war because they never learn how to be strong enough to be “weak” sometimes.

Do yourself a favor. Believe in who you are. Love yourself. Hug your belly. Love your child. There’s not another human being on this earth that is just like you. You are special. Get whatever help you need to mend your own life and let your abuser mend his. Without you.


0 Replies
 
sakhi
 
  1  
Reply Wed 8 Apr, 2009 11:19 pm
@New Mum to be,
Dear New Mum to be,

You've done the right thing by moving away from him. Please continue to live away fro him. Please get a divorce and do take care of yourself.



0 Replies
 
New Mum to be
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2009 07:50 am
Hello to everyone,

I have read all your messages. I was thinking of writing him a note about not wanting to live with him anymore. I was also thinking of applying for a child protection, you know to stop him from taking my daughter away when she's born. But i'm scared of what he might do.
The last time he called me to ask after his daughter, i tried telling him that i don't want to live with him anymore and want a divorce. He got angry and replied saying that life without him around me and his daughter will be useless and that he will never let that happened and i have to wait until he dies because that's what we vowed to do at our wedding, "for better, for worse till death do us part". So if i'm thinking of finding a new father for his daughter, i should think twice because that will never happen, over his dead body.
I'm his wife and his getting a place which he wants me to move back in with him before she's born or he will not buy anything for my baby or pay for any child support and that I'm been selfish about my daughter. Also that Life will be hard for me finacially without him helping and i will put my daughter through emotional stress when she grows to ask about her biological father.
What do you think?
Should i still go ahead and do what i want to do? Like file for a divorce and apply for a child protection? I really want to do the right thing for my daughter. Do you think i will put her through emotional stress later when she's grows?
What do you think he will do?
One more thing, do i have to put his name on my baby's birth certificate after she's born? Does she have to carry her father's surname? because although we're married, i'm not carrying his surname. I still have my surname which i will never change for any men and he has his?

Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2009 07:58 am
@New Mum to be,

If it were me, I would not put ANYTHING in writing.

Quote:
The last time he called me to ask after his daughter, i tried telling him that i don't want to live with him anymore and want a divorce. He got angry and replied saying that life without him around me and his daughter will be useless and that he will never let that happened and i have to wait until he dies because that's what we vowed to do at our wedding, "for better, for worse till death do us part". So if i'm thinking of finding a new father for his daughter, i should think twice because that will never happen, over his dead body.


This man is threatening you. Listen to Brooke. She has gone through, and survived abuse. She is a very wise woman who has learned from her mistakes.
Stay away from your husband, and get a divorce. Have as little to do with him as possible. Talk with an attorney, about the name on the birth certificate. If you have to get a restraining order, get it.

Bottom line, the only thing that he has over you is creating fear in you. And you CAN control that. It is not a pleasant situation, but you can get past it, and have a good life for you and your daughter.
New Mum to be
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2009 08:26 am
@Phoenix32890,
To Phoenix32890

Ok i will not write a letter, i have spoken with my attorney about the divorce and restraining order, which i will get started with asap.
I will never move back in with him and that's a decision i intend to keep. Just that going through all this aint that easy, but like you said "Bottom line, the only thing that he has over you is creating fear in you. And you CAN control that. It is not a pleasant situation, but you can get past it". And i do pray i get over it, just can't wait until all this over and done with.


CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2009 08:53 am
@New Mum to be,
Helloo New Mum,

I am just reinforcing what's been said before, get a divorce and put this
terrible experience behind you. Your soon to be ex-husband is required by
law to pay child support, so his threats to leave you penniless are mere threats
as everything else. It's usually a coward of a man who beats up on women,
and once they realize they have no power over you and you're not afraid of them any longer, they move on to the next victim.

Be strong, be strong for your daughter, teach her well, so she won't ever experience what you have gone through. Good luck to you!
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2009 09:35 am
I'll reinforce what others have said, and add that in my opinion it would be good to speak with the people at a local area women's shelter - to hear their advice and open up communication. I'd also tell your obstetrician and the hospital where you are going to deliver. I'm glad you have an attorney on it.
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2009 10:19 am
@CalamityJane,
Quote:
Your soon to be ex-husband is required by law to pay child support, so his threats to leave you penniless are mere threats as everything else.


Very true, but the world is full of scofflaws. If it were me, I would proceed with the idea that the man might attempt to get out of paying child support. I think that, from the sound of it, the less that the husband is in the child's life, the better for both the mother and the child.

I think that mum needs to discuss this with her attorney, and make child support a part of the divorce agreement. Bottom line though, it is up to her as to how much she wants to be involved with her husband. Apparently, mum's parents are supportive, and that is a definite plus.
0 Replies
 
New Mum to be
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2009 10:30 am
@ossobuco,
Ok what kind of help will the obstetrician and the hospital give me?
I mean why will it be good to let them know? Sorry if i'm sounding stupid, but i just want to know and be sure of what and why i'm doing that?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2009 10:38 am
@New Mum to be,
Well, if he is listed as father, I presume he'd have a right to see the baby. On all that, you should discuss this with the attorney. JustBrooke would know more about this than I do. My caution is that his behavior seems unpredictable and it wouldn't hurt to let the staff know. On the other hand, maybe the attorney would disagree.
0 Replies
 
 

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