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Proved I'm not a Hypocrite Today...

 
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 04:35 pm
@Diest TKO,
Quote:
Help me here Chai. Help me figure out what I'm failing to communicate. I honestly wouldn't care, but the responses I've got from people I've talked to and the responses I've got here have been dramatically different. What am I failing to communicate?


Ya.......people in real life are people whom you are personally connected to, they will almost always tell you what they think that you want to hear. This is considered support, and they want to support you. We here are for the most part not connected to you personally, and a2k is for the most part a no BS zone, so here you get told the truth.
aidan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 04:44 pm
@ehBeth,
It's normal to be disappointed when things don't turn out as you would have like them to. I think most everyone in the same situation would have felt confused and disappointed, just as you did.
But whatever has happened has happened. If you hadn't said anything, you'd have never known and you may have wasted years pining over this girl for nothing. At least you know where you stand now and you won't waste any more time. That's the positive end result of your approach, which I have to say, I can't really fault.
I'm of the same mind - if you feel something is important or could be a wonderful change or addition in your life - go for it.

Because, I mean really, what did you do? You liked the girl and you told her (and showed her).
Your behavior sounds as if it was logical and completely normal given your feelings. Why should you be embarrassed? You didn't do anything wrong.

And in any event, I think regret (for actions not taken and years of wondering what might have been) takes a lot longer and is much harder to get over than embarrassement.
It sounds like you're handling it well.

aidan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 04:45 pm
@aidan,
I pressed reply on ehbeth's post - but the above was written to Diest.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 04:46 pm
@Diest TKO,
Diest TKO wrote:
This is me. I take risks.

<snip>

For 6 months I'd been too afraid to hear she wasn't interested.



0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 04:48 pm
@Diest TKO,
Diest TKO wrote:

sozobe wrote:

I think it may be the title and the tone of your first post. It's a bit braggy, a bit superior. I believe that's not what you meant and wasn't what you were feeling, but it's a bit "admire me, I'm not a hypocrite, I have guts." That gets a reaction.

I can assure you. I have zero desire to brag about this.


ah, but the "bravery" ...

You definitely put yourself out there to get some kind of reaction. Obviously not what you'd expected though.
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 04:58 pm
Quote:
I didn't go there with any plan. I just felt that in a moment when someone is advancing affection towards me, that maybe I was safe to tell her how I felt. I was wrong I get that.

I'm a sensitive person. It's how I was raised. I think it would be a lot easier if I didn't feel as much. Go easy on me will ya? I feel like **** already.

I do NOT think you did a "wrong thing" to tell her how you felt. It was not "safe," but it was, definitely, being alive, and being present, which I cannot see as a "wrong/bad" thing.

Nothing in love/affection/attraction is safe, but I suspect you already knew that.

How come nobody else has mentioned, this "being sensitive" thing from a male is the Very Same Thing females have been requesting from males, for years on end?

D, in my opinion, the only possible way you can FAIL here, is to FAIL to ask her out on a private, exclusive date... NOW. If she refuses, that's OK. If not, that's wonderful.
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 05:01 pm
@BorisKitten,
Forgot to mention: I'm a 47-year-old female: Old enough to be your Mama.

If I were your mom, I'd tell you, lick your wounds, then go out there and TRY again. If she doesn't want you, the next one WILL.
0 Replies
 
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 05:14 pm
@hawkeye10,
Quote:
Ya.......people in real life are people whom you are personally connected to, they will almost always tell you what they think that you want to hear. This is considered support, and they want to support you.

I must gently disagree, Hawkeye. My husband doesn't do this, nor do my really good friends.

Hubby is, let's say, verbally gifted, so he can tell me "What I Don't want to hear" in a kindly manner. He goes slowly and he's careful, but he tells me the dead-honest truth as he sees it, painful or not.

So do my very-best (oldest) friends. They don't "shout it out," no, but they make their points (i.e., "Maybe you could think about changing THIS, or THIS...") That's what real friends are for, in my opinion.

Maybe my fussiness in choosing friends has paid off.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 05:18 pm
@BorisKitten,
Quote:
Maybe my fussiness in choosing friends has paid off.


I do that as well, but I don't think that most people do. I would like to be wrong on this.
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 05:42 pm
@hawkeye10,
Quote:
Re: BorisKitten (Post 3671658)
Quote:

Maybe my fussiness in choosing friends has paid off.

I do that as well, but I don't think that most people do. I would like to be wrong on this.


No, I don't think you're wrong on this, at all. I think most people are not nearly discriminating enough, in choosing friends. Just my opinion.
0 Replies
 
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 06:49 pm
@BorisKitten,
BorisKitten wrote:

How come nobody else has mentioned, this "being sensitive" thing from a male is the Very Same Thing females have been requesting from males, for years on end?


Let me first say, it was late when I posted the replies early in the thread. I was being a sap and I had not slept, so now that I read back on it. Bah...<delete delete>

I am glad you asked this question Boriskitten cause I was sort of thinking along the same lines. I was a sap in my posts because his writing, the feelings which were put out there spoke to the heart. Honesty, pure words for the sake of expressing emotion in me (the reader). The same sort of feeling which a gifted writer can express. Bravo DiestTKO

Younger than the previous poster ...so definately NOT old enough to be TKO's mama....


0 Replies
 
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Jun, 2009 10:51 pm
@ehBeth,
Why hash words? Are you offended somehow here? If so, I'm sorry. I really don't understand this reaction.

Yeah it took me 6 months. Does that change anything? If you're trying to say that I don't take chances, just say it. I'm human and I was scared of rejection. So what if I didn't do it the first day I realized I liked her. What are trying to convince me of?

T
K
O
0 Replies
 
Debra Law
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jun, 2009 01:14 am
@Diest TKO,
Hi Diest TKO:

Thank you for sharing your story and your heart with us. I believe you're the same age as my son (26). I can truly understand your angst. Experience is the best teacher, but it doesn't diminish the heartache.

It's admirable to take chances and to risk rejection. In this instance, however, reflection indicates that you jumped off the cliff and scared the young lady in the process. You had been crushing on her for several months and ready to enter into a relationship with her before the two of you even had a first date. Of course she wasn't at the same place that you were. She was probably at a point where she would accept an invitation to lunch--but not ready to dive head-first into a relationship.

All is not lost. Perhaps when you are in the U.K., you could send her a postcard with a witty upbeat message on it. Something a little more creative than "hi there, I'm having a good time," but nothing sappy like, "thinking of you." After you get back, bite the bullet and ask her to lunch. She'll probably be eager to hear about your trip. Take baby steps. Don't confess your feelings. Don't look at her adoringly. Just be yourself. Maybe if she accepts a few invitations to lunch, she might reach a point where she'll be ready to accept an invitation to a movie on a Friday night.

It's great to take chances, but it's also great to take things slowly too. I hope you're feeling better.

Debra
aidan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jun, 2009 01:25 am
@Debra Law,
I think that'd be a mistake Debra. This woman is someone he works with. If she's indicated she's not interested, and he continues to show her attention that may be unwanted and making her uncomfortable, it could turn into a whole different and more difficult and negative situation than if they did not work together.
He could be accused of all sorts of really unpleasant (and illegal) behavior.
Not that she is definitely like that - but she could be. She certainly gave off mixed messages the other night.

I'd listen to and respect the woman's words. I'd leave it up to her to take the lead from now on in terms of how the relationship will develop- if you even want it to. Maybe you don't want to be friends with her anymore. Maybe you feel that she was capricious and insensitive of your feelings.

But I certainly would not continue taking the lead in pursuing a relationship in any way if I were you.
Debra Law
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jun, 2009 01:47 am
@aidan,
aidan wrote:
He could be accused of all sorts of really unpleasant (and illegal) behavior.


It is not illegal to invite a co-worker to join you for lunch. Perhaps several co-workers can go together. I'm not suggesting that TKO "sexually harass" this young woman and create a hostile work environment for her. TKO is in a much better position to assess this young lady's character and to determine for himself if inviting her to lunch will cause her to accuse him "of all sorts of really unpleasant behavior."
aidan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jun, 2009 02:06 am
@Debra Law,
I would let her make the next move - whatever it is.
0 Replies
 
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Jun, 2009 05:37 am
There was a work social thing last night. We didn't interact for a while. We were with others so it helped me act natural. Awkward, but not bad.

Friday night when everything happened, we did talk about my upcoming trip. She said for me to send her a text from England. Perhaps I'll do that. I think a postcard might be cool too.

As for asking her on a date to lunch. Ball is in her court. If she wants that, she can talk to me. My priority one right now is to feel comfortable at work. Her words were "I don't want anything," so unless I'm told otherwise, I'm not going to ask her out or tell her anything about my feelings.

T
K
O
Chumly
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2009 11:26 am
Feelings are overrated Smile
0 Replies
 
genoves
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Jun, 2009 03:05 am
sozobe wrote:( about TKO' s post)

I think it may be the title and the tone of your first post. It's a bit braggy, a bit superior. I believe that's not what you meant and wasn't what you were feeling, but it's a bit "admire me, I'm not a hypocrite, I have guts." That gets a reaction.

*******************************************************************

of course, but there is no problem since Diest TKO has told us that he is MORALLY SUPERIOR.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Jun, 2009 05:00 am
@Diest TKO,
Hey TK Oh!

I'm old enough to be your MaMa too and I don't read the 'ole lurrrrve situations well either. Heart on sleeve and all that and then put it out "there" (A2K)... and talk it thru (or not).

Personally, I don't think you did anything wrong - you went out with someone who you'd fancied for a while - you didn't know you were gonna kiss her - you did - she kissed you back - then, you took an opportunity to tell her you'd fancied her - and then you toldl us. You didn't do anything wrong there. Now, she kissed you back - and you both enjoyed the moment - but the next day she's saying she doesn't remember the talk after. Well, that's OK - you don't need to elaborate about the talk to her. She remembered your kiss. I reckon that's a better place to be in a?

I think, and this is just me, and no - it's not what I do coz I would hide away - but you - you have got confidence in so many areas - so go into work, or to the work functions, bright and breezy and show your confidence. Don't become a wall flower and sit back or act awkward (you may feel awkward but try not to show it). You don't need to keep approaching her - if she's interested when she see's you as you are at work and in a social setting - you both know you kissed already - so she can approach you if she chooses to.

Be confident in yourself - and Diest - personally, don't change the way you wear your heart - there's a lot of sensitive, and oversensitive less confident people around - you are who you are. When you talk here, everyone gives you the benefit of their wisdom (or not) on their experiences and how they react. We all do that. There's not really a right or wrong. We don't always like what we hear - but there is a wealth of experience from all different backgrounds. Smart, not so smart, sensitive, hardened nuts - and some that I just plain don't get at all and wanna say O4FS to. Allsorts - differing opinions.

You are slamming yourself hunni - you don't need to. Really -

boy meets girl
girl meets boy
they kissed

the dating game really hasn't changed much over the years - believe me. It's wickedly tricky at times.

there's a lot of folk who seek reassurance - when you talk to your friends in person, they can see and hear how you are talking,after all, they are YOUR friends, not allsorts, and they know you best so they talk with you and understand you better because they know the "whole" you. Here (online), intonation is hard to grasp, can't see your face, can't see you shaking a little or just needing a hug, or a slap on the back - but I can't see the people I know here having a go and you - and honestly, you have nothing to feel inwardly ashamed about or feel bad for - you are not being hypocritcal. You spoke You spoke what you felt - we all speak a different language so you'll get answers in a language you may not understand - here, and with the girl.

Reciprocation, or lack of, the next day from the girl, made you question your judgment of telling her how you felt.

One thing is for sure - you are certainly not stupid. Try not to feel awkward around work - you'll end up second guessing everything you say to her and your co-workers and then feel cr*p. Just go into work, be confident, as you were before - take a good look at you - what is there NOT to be confident about? You've got a great job, confidence in so many areas, a huge personality, looks of a superstar, great trip coming up, people to meet, places go and you're going on an adventure. Focus on all the positives - in a few weeks you'll be jetsetting. Way to go.



for now, there's a "who knows what will happen" and in the meantime - you just carry on about your business - and when the right person comes along - whenever that is, and reaches out to you - you'll figure out which move to make. Each time it'll be different.

Ha - like I say, old enough to be your MaMa and still figuring out the learning curve. You'll learn different lessons as you go along - but I think at the end of the day - you are who you are - what you wish to learn or whether to change the approach, is up to you.

Just life, that's all it is. Enjoy the moment, don't look to the end of the book, just keep turning those pages and ENJOY each moment when you can - there's a whole world out there to enjoy.

There 'isn't a rule book either where your heart's concerned.

<as you prolly know by now - Ima complete sappy gushy individual - but....hey ho - thatsme Wink >

Carry on...

0 Replies
 
 

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