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Proved I'm not a Hypocrite Today...

 
 
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 01:57 am
...But at the cost of feeling awful.

I bit of a background. On matters of life and love, I've often found myself being the person that my friends come to. They come to me for inspiration, advice, the warm shoulder, and the cold sober advice to swallow the pill of reality.

Perhaps more than anything else, the thing I've been, was the risk taker. What in my limited time, I've gained in terms of understanding about risk is that it never gets easy. Bravery is never rewarded with a lesser future burden. It is hard every time.

July 23rd 2008, I wrote on my blog...
Quote:
Live and dream big. Love, and wear your heart on your sleeve if you goddamn please.

Take a chance. Take every chance if you must.
Do whatever it takes to make yourself free.

Full text: http://theregoesourhero.blogspot.com/2008/07/good-die-young.html

I wrote it. It still feels right, but in the last 24 hours, I've had to face it. I've tasted risk. Today it was bitter. I didn't want to. I wanted to stay comfortable. It was too easy for me to just live without risk.

To not kiss.
To not speak.

But I did. I know her form work. We work in close quarters. Long hours. I guess I realized I liked her almost half a year ago. I found myself positioning myself in the room so that we'd interact. I'd filed her away under "off limits" for all this time, but still the attraction.

In the last few weeks, I've felt like the feelings were growing and simply doing nothing was becoming a burden. My own words haunted me. Take a chance. But it was too scary, so I didn't. I started feeling like a hypocrite. All this talk about taking chances, but how long since I had. How long since I had taken a chance?

Enough bullshit.

So last night we went out with others, and slowly but surely the group kept getting smaller until it was only her (the object of my affection), her brother, and me. Near the end of the night, she and I, we kiss. We kiss, and it's great. All feelings returned. I'm not keen on PDA, but in that moment, I didn't care. It felt good. I her hands on my back and mine on her cheeks. Eyes closed. Soft lips. We're still young, still beautiful.

We break lips only to exchange smiles and witty banter. We flirt. She says "whatever, " before smiling again and wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me deep again. We walk outside where her brother won't see us. More kissing. More smiling. More "whatever's."

We walk to the Metro station. The brother wanders off to find a bathroom or something... I really don't remember, I'm just counting the seconds until I can kiss her again. While waiting for the Yellow Line, we're just two young lovers as far as the others on the platform is concerned. I decide that now is a good time to tell her her how I feel.

I tell her how I have to make excuses to keep myself from asking her out to lunch. I ask her if she is attracted to me. I ask if she flirts. She says she is; she does. And in our romantic confessional, we are interrupted by her brothers return. All those words just suspended in air with no way to find privacy.

I was happy. A great night.

I thought it was to be good. I feel asleep last night thinking about the following days. Our coming dates. The cute ways we'd at first hide our relationship from our coworkers.

I woke up today, both physically and metaphorically. Last night, just a dream. Today, I wanted to talk to her. I thought that we had left too much just suspended in the air. She said she didn't remember last night. She said that she remembered kissing, but nothing that we said. I figure I'll tell her because what's the point of me knowing and her not. In her words: "I'm sorry. I don't want anything."

I feel embarrassed.
I feel accidental.
I feel regrettable.

I feel betrayed, and being who I am, I'm occupying my mind with how upset I am for being mad at someone I like. I don't feel comfortable thinking negatively about someone I want to think positively about.

I can still feel her lips on mine when I close my eyes, and I tell her "no hard feelings." I'm already preparing for work. I'll try on the many faces I can use that won't let her feel awkward or guilty.

This is me. I take risks. I do as I write. I act as a speak. I'm not a hypocrite. But in that knowledge is embedded perhaps a scarier thought.

By putting her on a pedestal and never taking action, I was chauvinistic. I never once thought until last night that maybe her feelings should be investigated. I'd for half a year let myself prefer the idea that she might like me back. For 6 months I'd been too afraid to hear she wasn't interested.

In the place of hypocrisy, I learn that I have an anger issue. Specifically, the inability to be angry. Would it be so much for me for just have a moment where I don't feel embarrassed for feeling hurt?

No real profound way to close this. Tonight, solitude doesn't make me feel independent or brave. The loudest sound in the room is the phone not ringing. No pretty girl calling me, telling me she didn't mean what she said; that she was scared.

Tonight, I'm just a sad and lonely non-hypocrite.
K
O
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Type: Discussion • Score: 17 • Views: 4,218 • Replies: 79
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hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 02:29 am
If you were a risk taker you would go after what you want which requires a) that you know who you are and what you want, b) that you be willing to steal her heart (employ seduction) which requires c) that you know what makes your prey (or if you prefer your potential dance partner) tick. You might have A down, but B and C....not so much. You are locked up in your legalistic moral straightjacket when it comes to women, you sabatage yourself. You don't know how to feed your soul, or theirs.

But you are young, you will figure it out.
0 Replies
 
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 03:46 am
My soon to be ex's nephew has the same name as the guy in this video. We have often had subtle looks of understanding at family functions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uy0HNWto0UY

Strange for me because I have dreamed such an encounter...irony is...my name.

I can feel the very sentiment behind your words fully. One must have faith in themselves to feel strong enough to take the risk.

Me, I'm just gonna lick my wounds for now and hope and dream for the future I hope to have someday.
0 Replies
 
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 03:48 am
@Diest TKO,
Oh and I must say...what a lovely dream to have! Smile Your writing is inspiring!
0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 06:33 am
So . . . YOU put yourself out there - in your own mind, a great risk.

Apparently it wasn't that big of a deal for her.

At least she was truthful about her feelings. Shewoke up and thought, "what the heck did I do?"

It will be very akward at work. Let her bring the subject matter up, since she has let you know it was a non-issue for her.

P.S. She doesn't remember ANYTHING? Were you all drinking?
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 07:17 am
I'm confused.

Was this kissing and talking happen in a dream you had, or did it really happen?

If it really happened, sounds like she had a bit too much to drink to not remember the conversation. In that case, I'd say you learned not to make your moves when someone is under the influence.

If it was a dream, it was a good one, that is, until the end.
0 Replies
 
djjd62
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 07:24 am
when i was your age i described myself a s a copeless romantic, i suspect you may be too
0 Replies
 
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 03:48 pm
No, it wasn't a dream. It all really happened.

Yes, we drank but I would never have said we got drunk. I was quite surprised when she said that she didn't remember anything we talked about.

As far as advances go, she kissed me. My only advance was telling her how I felt in the Metro station.

T
K
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Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 03:50 pm
@Diest TKO,
she remembers.

she wants to go backwards.

be careful...
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 03:56 pm
@Rockhead,
Huh? I don't understand what backwards means. like she regrets it so much that she wishes that she could erase it completely?

She remembers kissing, just not talking.

T
K
O
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 03:58 pm
@Diest TKO,
I think a lot of times when things happen quickly, and alcohol is involved, it is easier for someone to say, "gee I don't remember that, can I get a do-over"...
gg1983
 
  2  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:05 pm
@Diest TKO,
For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. If the worst case scenario is that she doesn't like you, at least you know and can move on. If the best is she just needs time to consider what happened, at least you pushed momentum a bit. My 'girl' advice - do nothing different at work. Be confident in yourself as that is the most attractive quality. Be who you were to her before this happened to let her off the hook from feeling bad or weird. In doing that you give her the space she needs to feel good about knowing you (and not just embarrassed, worried, etc). From that, one way or another, things can be ok.
0 Replies
 
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:06 pm
@Rockhead,
I can't begin to tell you how great I feel to be someone's mistake. Ugh....

A friend is taking me out to see a show tonight with some of his friends. Maybe that will help take my mind off of things. If not, I have all of season 1 and most of season 2 of HBO's "In Treatment" to watch and make me feel totally normal. I can work on my England trip planning too, i guess.

T
K
O
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:07 pm
@Diest TKO,
dating is a lot easier if you don't care so much...

have fun.
djjd62
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:09 pm
@Rockhead,
you got that right
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:17 pm
@Diest TKO,
You're not dating her. You were out in a group of people with her. Telling her your feelings on an evening that was set up as a group get-together was a bit like slapping her with a wet towel. Unexpected, not the right time.

I know that it's often said that getting older isn't for sissies, but you couldn't pay me to be young and fussing about relationship crap again.

~~~

Try not to think about this sort of thing so much. If you're interested, ask her/whoever out on a date - at least they get some hint/warning where you might be going emotionally.

As a former young dater, I'd say that the evening working its way down to you, her, her brother should have been a warning to you. She coulda sent her brother away if she'd wanted to be alone with you. Having a brother/pal hang until the 'guy' will go away is often a red flag.

~~~

Kissing's fun. It doesn't necessarily 'mean' anything.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:27 pm
@Rockhead,
I agree with Rockhead.

I've had some love life with people at work - long a no no for multiple reasons, the crudest being "don't **** where you eat" but also have a friend who married the guy she would have been fired for dating if word got out (some big hospital corporation and its rules). They've been married thirty years now.

I'm not sorry about any of that - I fell for interesting men in the first place. But, there can commonly be issues of harassment, power problems if things don't work, and so on. Apparently public opinion swung fairly recently to "go ahead, with caution" instead of complete "no!".

I don't think the lady is horrible for her behavior - just that it bespeaks a kind of self defensive mode, which of course, being part of the work scene, depending on who she really is, can get sticky, or not. What to do? Just be kind while backing off.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:29 pm
@ehBeth,
Oh, and gg made sense..
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:31 pm
@Diest TKO,
Her regrets are about herself, not a slam at you. Or if so, it's diversionary.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2009 04:39 pm
@ossobuco,
I sort of agree with ehBeth and sort of don't. I don't think she took his interest as slapping with a wet towel, at the time.
0 Replies
 
 

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