@Endymion,
Hey Endy
Been up since 4am......only a couple hours sleep - weary - beautiful time of day......... oh.....so so much to talk/thought about.... (safe here, safe to do that here - that's good)
yep - there are medieval faces - little fella and I thought one was a little scary - it seemed to be looking at us - smiling tho, not to fear, was a little wary of that one. Also a very large face consisting of the whole tree - with a stickyout nose. Mmmmmm.... so many patterns - obscure, spiritual.... we could see about 8...
Trees are magnificent, powerful... will try and post up the tree we saw at Burrator Reservoir a while back - that was the best tree, for me, in the world....
its funny (not haha funny) - that you should say how more pronounced the world is, near opened up since not having TV. When I joined here Jan1st2008 - I turned the TV off - very conscious decision - there would be no "outside sound" in my house - and only on a very rare moment would it get put back on " moreso recently, the last few months. I also was trying to find an inner peace - so I couldn't watch the news, read newspapers - see family / friends - physical and mental shutdown on the whole world around me - living in a cyber world. BUT - it's like my heart was then opened up to receive things I hadn't seen before - which sounds a little freaky. I started seeing things is such a different way - receiving the signals differently - I used my pics to talk - what I felt, I found hard to put into words - but I could take a pic that said it all, in my head, which transposed into the image.... does that make any sense..... maybe too tired to think straight right now...
Lived in a sad (as in sad cry) world for many years - gilded cage " silver spoon, no worries ya know - strangling the life out of me - then things had to change, the reactions to my BigBoy’s actions changed our lives beyond measure " if I hadn’t changed, the change would have been a greater loss (not at the time for me " that would have been simple, but for others it would have been dreadful. It would have been selfish of me). Noddy too played a huge part in my life " I can’t really describe that feeling " I don’t think I will ever be able to explain that. Tho, I have someone in my life who holds a strong dominion that gives me strength in my soul. I’m blessed really. Every word I say, I say it to that person. It gives me an equality in the world I never knew I could be gifted, leave alone receive.
I understand what stuck is... I'm still stuck - not in the same way as you are - I complicate my "stuck". I have to go to work - have to pick and fetch the little fella, have to go out for the necessary things - I have the shopping delivered - can't do supermarkets (too many people, some I may know), can't do food (that's an eating thing). I am braver with my little fella around me " I’m forced to be “unstuck”. There are times I cannot make myself leave the house " no matter how much I try " I can’t do it. Then, there are times I will say I am going to do it..... I say it out loud here on the thread " and that MAKES me do it. I can’t not do it. Like going to London " meeting A2Kers " going/doing " if I say it out loud, it forces me to do it.
Stuck Endy... can be simple or so so hard. Becoming unstuck can be harder and can be a scary place - not always, not simple. It's a fine line. Stuck can be safe. You need to be safe - living by your rules - not societies command to be "out there" in the world with a blase "step out the door there's nothing to worry about" "errrrrrr you just don't get it"... it's not about worrying what's out there,
it's what you feel hitting your emotions when you get out there "it's not about them, it's about me, how i feel, how it makes me feel, do I want to feel that". Oh............. I'm blahing....... shutup and sleep woman.
Orientation is what it is. Choices can be made - sometimes making a choice can turn everything upside down - I was lucky - the choice I made to talk here - allows me stuck and unstuck with a hand to reach out to. I learned to trust the strength of that pull - fared me well - so far, so good. I lock down occassionally - can always feel the hands reaching out - not to drag me up - but to help me pull myself back up.
One thing I can't stand is going to pick my kid up from the school bus... there are people there I know. I lock the car doors, I don't talk to them - I can't - stuck in the past there. If someone comes to my car I do the wind the window down thing - smile and chat as if without a care in the world - and usually feel physically sick after. I get that like when I talk to real life people here " feel physically ill " they think they know me and haven’t a clue. They sometimes ask “how are you” " but, they never really wanna hear " it doesn’t really mean “how are you” " it means ... nothing, zip, nada, may as well say nothing " you can tell " they don’t look at me, they look at the person I used to be - ugh.
When I ask “how are you” " I ask because I’m interested in a person " not a pass the time of day thing. Tho, I do understand that asking is not about getting an answer, but the question is genuine " it’s just something I do " a bit like my hugging thing.
I'm only unstuck in my garden which is enclosed, safe and protective of me. I think the river gives me a get out clause - I could always jump in and flow away (figurative, not literal) " it makes me feel safe " the water, wind, trees, green, all so powerful, quite extraordinary. I don’t have a garden " I have my imagination and soul that grows there, becomes rejueventated, sometimes wearies, always carries on " bamboo is not bamboo " its tall and flexible, nothing will get rid of it, it bends and blows in the breeze, it gets hammered by the rain " but it never breaks " its solid in it’s core " but does not have a core, it's hollow, yet, " it just keeps going no matter what " you can cut it down, take off it’s leaves " but it’s still bamboo " I have lots of bamboo " my garden’s not simply full flowers and dead leaves dropping down " mmmmmmmmmmm.... need to explain that when I am less tired. My surroundings are like a palette to me - something new to imagine everyday - colour and life / images- not in the way that a pretty flower grows - but, how incredible is nature to produce that flower - each little something in the garden is a miracle and work of art, everything is a picture " I live off that " it shows me how to grow " not just how survive.
Oh......... I need to sleep now......... musing.... muddled....talking twaddle
Wishing you a peaceful weekend Endy. X
(ha " not gonna check " just send)
