while I'm away the cat plays

With extreme suspicion and displeasure.

themonkay - Welcome to A2K!

How did you find out about this if he did not tell you? How long are you married? any children? Has your husband had any problems with "straying" before.

If it were me, I would sit down and quietly tell him what you have heard, and ask for an explanation. Try to control the impulse to be aggressive and strident. Give him a chance to explain himself.

How this discussion plays out will be helpful in figuring out what you next step will be. Good luck, and keep cool!

Thank you, Phoenix, for your reply. He and I share an email account and he was using this for communicating with her. We have been married for twelve years, no children, no straying. Before we were married he considered himself a "serial monogomist". We got together when he was 47 and I was 45. We have a very playful relationship and have both done much self-help work, so we do have "tools" to approach this with. I did approach the issue and told him how I felt hurt by his not being forthcoming with me, but his first reaction was anger at me for even "going there" with feelings of jealousy. I do realize that I must work on myself and feelings of either inadequacy or low self-esteem. At the same time, I do want a relationship of open communication, connection and respect. You are very wise in your counsel about the aggressiveness and stridency. Again, my thanks.

If he shares the email with you, hmm, it's hard to say what the motivation is there. Is it to make you jealous? Is it to make sure you find out? Or is it just ineptitude on his part?

I mean, really, most people planning a tryst of some sort would not use a shared email account. That would be Job One.

So I'd be curious about what that was all about.