What in the Hell am i supposed to Do now? (more family issues Unfortunately)

Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 05:45 am
Well you all should know my extremely Fucked up History of Drinking within my family.I could swear ive written enough on here to fill up a goddam book and i wont delve back into it.....

Ive made steps Forward to distance myself from it and better myself in the process.....yet i moved just down the hill In order to Still help them and be there but just slightly less......Well its not working and My original fears of That if i were to move out then everything would fall apart have basicly happened.....Allow me to explain!

After moving out My parents arguing about Money Got worse and everyday.My father wouldnt get a second job and refused to Even try To Do the one that he had Which left them in an extremely poor financial situation since i left and stopped pouring Money into the household to keep them afloat.I Recently agreed to move with them So they could sell their home,Move to a cheaper area and Problem solved and i assumed they were going to move forward on this......Nope! Instead i come up one day to Find out that my father Choked my mother,broke her cell phone in half Refusing to let her call the police and became extremely agressive......Nothing was Done Afterwards......A few weeks later a similar fight happens.My Mother instantly calls 911 and Police place a 24 hour restraining order on him....Im thinking okay,They'll go back and it'll be alright now......Nope.

She gets a Full Restraining order against him Which i felt was unnecessary and basicly screwed Herself in the process.She is wheelchair bound,With no job and Cannot Drive.her bills will get out of hand within a month or two and Unless she sells the house extremely fast it will be forclosed upon and she will be Crippled and Homeless out on the streets.....What about our Dog? Is he being fed? Will he go To the pound? He's older and will likely be put to sleep witch would break my heart....Im a serious animal lover and would be crying For days if that happens.......

And my father? Well i dont even know.He Took the Car.....he has no job and I Dont know if he's sleeping in the car or With His cousin who is on island.He's basicly broke,Homeless and drinking/Smoking pot (he's in his 60's btw)

And heres the worst part of this situation.....I feel responsible to fix this.Like 100% Responsible.i know how rediculas this sounds Too.....because ive not caused ANY of this....In ANY shape or form! I mean,I dont live there,I dont associate with them anymore and its not my buisness in any shape or form but I feel like i have to fix this and i'll hate myself if i dont....

but on the other hand i think i have my own life to live,Am i supposed to Work 2 full time jobs and then go and care for my mother and pour all of my money into Her Things? And for how long? Ive done it for years already trying to solve all fo their problems with my money and it didnt work before.
And on another hand i suddenly feel like i just want to distance myself to an extreme Point (move to another state)Where I Physically CANT help them but just feel guilty and terrible wondering what happened to them.....Ive already changed my number and told my father not to come where i live or work since he has in the past come by harasing myself,My roommate and co-workers.

So what in the Hell am i supposed to Do Now?Its my family and i feel responsible.....but i recognize That Im extremely codependant and need to focus On Myself and My life and making things better.
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Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 06:08 am
I have no advice to offer, just listening here. Are there some local services for disabled folks that could be called in to help your mom?
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Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 06:14 am
Join the club of all of those who have dealt with alcoholic relatives, especially those in the immediate family. Your core problem is not your parents, Mrhunt, but the hold the disease has on you. There is no truer statement ever made that alcoholism is a family disease and it is a rare person who does not become infected whether or not they ever take a drink themselves and/or whether the family members are still drinking. It is pervasive, persistent, and can rob you much of the joy, peace of mind, and sanity that you otherwise can have.

You are wise and correct to intellectually understand that it is not your fault that your parents screwed up their lives however they might have done that. It is a far different thing, however, to be able to intellectually and emotionally detach and to learn how to focus how all this has screwed up your life and learn how to deal with that. Once you do, you will no longer need to be driven by or prisoner of guilt, misplaced sense of responsibility, and other poorly understood dynamics that get boiled into the mix.

And you will then make much better decisions regarding your parents and how to deal with whatever you feel obligated to do there.

What you should do is type ACOA into your browser and read up on "Adult Children of Alcoholics", then call your local AA or otherwise find a group near you. Commit to attend weekly (or more frequent) meetings for at least six months. Initially you are likely to feel frustrated and impatient and think it isn't helping. You must give it time to sink in though. Give it at least six months.

If you have the time and are especially motivated to get a handle on this, you would also benefit from some months (or more) in Al-Anon. Use the same method to find a group near you. Stick it out for at least six months even if you think it isn't helping.

Both groups will direct you to some good reading material and read it all.

Don't expect a miracle cure overnight. It has taken years for this strange malady to infiltrate your psyche and expect that it will take some time to notice significant recovery.

But it can change your life for the positive in amazing ways. Don't delay.

Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 06:25 am
Now to deal with the immediate issue of your Mom's precarious financial situation, is there no other relative who can take her in? It is not practical for her (or the dog) to live with you until you can make other arrangements? You will benefit nobody by letting this tear apart your own family, however.

Let your fingers do the walking and see what social services are available in your area for immediate relief. Catholic Charities is a good place to start and, if they cannot offer immediate assistance, they can usually refer you to some place that can help.

Also consult an attorney who may have some good advice for you--if you can't afford that, try legal aid.

If your mom is a member of a church or synagogue, be sure her minister, priest, rabbi etc. knows of the situation--very often there are resources within the congregation to help.

Good luck. There is always a way out of just about any problem if we are determined to find it. It can sometimes sure feel shitty until we do, and all we can offer there is moral support and let you know that we do understand.
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Cliff Hanger
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 07:24 am
Have you considered going to Adult Children Of Alcoholics? It'll help lighten the load if you know there are other people in your situation.
Reply Sun 2 Nov, 2008 04:43 am
@Cliff Hanger,
hey guys,
Ive began reading a book (dont know if i'll ever finish it though!) Called co-dependant no more and its basicly In a nutshell describing alot of my issues and problems to a tee and Explaining How i let My mothers Issues become my own issues and How in Return i Ignored all of my personal growth and my Own challenges and issues in order to Take care of hers.....

Its shocking that the book Is So Accurate in this sense and has really helped me to look at things in a much different Light,I feel with this book and Time i wont need al-anon but we'll see.

my Mothers Financial situation is still strange and in the dark to Me,She's had someone move into the Home To Help her with various things such as cooking,cleaning,Shopping etc in exchange for free rent.This takes a big load of stress off of my shoulders Knowing that someone is there to help her with this and make sure she doesnt die or something.Im going to go Up tomorrow To Probally meet the guy as he' s Living in My Old Room and i have to Move out my computer and some old stuff anyways.....Hopefully he's not some weirdo and my Mom today said the guy even knows me even though i dont know him....

She's also placed the house up for sale....we'll see on that and the only source of income is Renting out hte back room Per month.Not even enough to cover the morgatge.....

Living with me is 100% out of the question,Im on the 2nd story in a very small place with another guy Who wouldnt allow it.Dogs arnt allowed in the unit and if i have to live with her i'll ******* just kill myself Too So Noooooo.

Reply Sun 2 Nov, 2008 05:19 am
Adopt the dog, and take good care of him.
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Reply Sun 2 Nov, 2008 06:25 am
Hey you...

been a while a?

You know you're not responsible. This isn't your fault. And Mr. H. - you can't fix this. You just can't.

Social services.... or whatever they are called in your part of the world... will have to step in and given assistance to a disabled person - you can do something about that - you can go and give them earache until someone does something. But NO..... you cannot take this on - look at what it's doing to you now. I'm a fine one to talk.... but..... start rocking the boat with someone who CAN do something to help your mom. As for your Dad... yep - he's a grown up too. They are making there own choices here - you have to try and live your life and not shoulder the responsibility. So hard to do hunni..... so so hard. But for your sanity - step back.....

Please contact the support groups - it would make such a difference to talk to people face to face who truly understand what you are going thru - we can only be here virtually - you need someone who sees the pain you're in to be able to hear all the things we have said to you in the past. Please please contact a support group and commit to it. You know we're here when you wanna talk (by the way.... you were missed when your name wasn't popping up!!!!) - you have to keep YOUR life on track before you can do anything to help anyone else.

How is the driving going?

Tell us more about what's been happening with you - what positive things are happening with you..... job, girl.....

Wish we could give you answers, but we can't - but do keep talking here, listen to Foxfyre and the others about the groups... I have no experience of that - they do... they know.

Take care x
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Reply Sat 31 Jan, 2009 01:33 pm
Call ADULT Protective Services for your mom.(You can even make an anonymous report of self abuse)

They will come out and do an assessment and the social workers and others will come in and do what you CAN NOT or SHOULD NOT do, includng putting her someplace where she has medical and psycholgical care.

Your Dad?? Let that pony ride. He is hell- bent on self destructiveness now. At 60+ he's going to end up somewhere else.

Their problems are BIGGER than you are. There is nothing for you to do except watch this play out from the sidelines.

The main thing for you to do is BREAK the chain of this kind of behavior. Now you know what you DO NOT want to be. Now you need to find out what you DO want to be.

Good luck and keep up informed.
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Reply Sun 8 Feb, 2009 05:41 am
Well TO Keep you guys UPdated things are going okay,Im trying to Stay in a semi relationship with my father and some of my previous assumptions about him were incorrect and I sorta just assumed cause i was upsett.

Its still unclear what happened between him and my mom but i let that rest,I try to See him once every week or 2 since we actually live like 10 minutes from each other and Ive realized that its important that i dont fully isolate my ENTIRE family when Its really only my mother who has done this.....so ive been keeping in touch and Spending brief amounts of time with my dad which has been very nice......

I also Recently Called the humane society And made a Complaint of animal neglect against my mother.She has 4 birds one of which is a large and very intelligent Cocatoo which is like a 1200 doller bird....She has no income and its unclear how their being fed,Cages cleaned or have fresh water and its concerning especially the larger bird is VERY intelligent and Shouldnt be in a home Or being taken care of someone who is self destructive and like that...When those birds are ignored they become extremely ill tempered...I wish i could of taken him with me but its her bird and she wouldnt let me....but the humane society said they would send someone out to investigate it so it puts my mind at ease....

If They find bad conditions im sure they'll be able to legally take the animals away from her or do whats best....I just care about the animals,Im not trying to be a bad guy or anything and i made the complaint annonamously....
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