What to do? Grandparents telling grandchildren they’re parents are stupid, selfish, etc.

Forums: Relationships, Grandparents, Family, Parenting, Grandchildren
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So my parents are at it again. My older daughter was very upset. She told me the other day, my dad called her and her sister selfish and then under his breath, but loud enough for her to hear, like your parents.

They were in the car and I am sure fighting and wouldn’t listen to my mom and dad to stop " I understand it can be frustrating because I’ve encountered it with them. My daughter also told me that they have called us stupid (me and my husband). She has also heard them talking about my husband in not nice terms and blaming him for changing me and making us move. She is a smart cookie as she said " I think they blame daddy because you are their daughter. She also told me how she feels weird around them sometimes. They will take her a store and offer to buy her stuff and use all their money as they soon will not have grandchildren around.

I asked if she still wanted to go over there. I told her I could make other arrangements during the week and next week school will start. At first she said no, I’d rather not go over there, but I am afraid it will make grammy cry. I asked if she wanted me to speak with her grandmother. She said no because she didn’t want grammy to yell at me. I told her she was the child and does not have to concern herself with that. I can take care of it. I went on to explain that sometimes people say things they don’t really mean when they get angry. And that often times they feel bad about it afterwards.

For now she seems fine. (Thank goodness school starts next week and I am off work this Friday). I am trying to keep my head on this thing and not get angry myself. We decided not to talk with them yet (as it could be simply the stress that my niece and unborn niece have just moved to Canada this weekend).

Obviously I am personally very close to the situation and it is difficult to keep your head. I want to protect my daughter from this and it makes me angry that some one can make her feel this way (especially my own parents). Anyone have thoughts or suggestions " some one maybe that can feel personally involved

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Type: Question • Score: 14 • Views: 19,627 • Replies: 38

@Linkat,

No useful advice. Passive-aggressive people suck.

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@Linkat,

I'll be back if I can think of anything useful to say. You've handled it well with daughter. Your parents, I can only roll my eyes and stammer...

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@Linkat,

When are ya'll moving, or did that fall through?

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@Linkat,

Have long talks with the kids explaining that they are not any of those things and that sometimes adults (like your parents) have their own issues.

Reinforce this with regular conversations with your kids.

Then take your parents out back to the woodshed.

I think it's good for kids to understand that not all adults have their own act together, and to learn to have sympathy for other people's issues but to not let it undermine their own self-respect and self-worth. The world is full of people who need to undermine other peoples self-worth, so it's impossible to run from it, you just need to learn to deal with it by having good solid security within yourself (and within your kids).

Good luck with it.

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@Linkat,

Does this sort of stuff happen often, Linkat?

I gather you are moving and other family members are also moving?

Is the relationship generally important and nourishing for the kids?

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@DrewDad,

Don't know - waiting for our place to sell. It seems my company wants to keep me so they are extending my stay here.

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@Linkat,

Ommmmmmmmmmmmming for home sale...

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@rosborne979,

Thank you - that's helpful.

I am trying not to get angry at them (my parents that is), so hopefully my kids can see that it isn't a positive thing to get angry, but to try to understand. I did tell my daughter that she isn't selfish, she is just being a kid, but she should try to behave and not fight in the car.

My daughter is very perceptive. She says when grammy says these things about mom and dad, she wants to (pretty much tell them off), but she doesn't. Seems my 9 year old could teach them a few things.

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@dlowan,

My parents had taken care of the kids before they started school. They have been very close (we all were including my husband) and we used to do lots of stuff together.

When I got this choose to relocate with all these great benefits or lose my job, relocation looked good. It would help us financially and put me in a situation where I would only have to commute 10 minutes to work.

Since then my parents have acted like different people. Even though we offerred to pay for them to visit 2, 3, 4 or more times a year and stay as long as they would like.

My brother's wife is from Canada and they were having lots of personal issues. Ended up they felt it would be best to move back to her home. So all this sort of has thrown my parents.

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@Linkat,

Quote:

I am trying not to get angry at them (my parents that is), so hopefully my kids can see that it isn't a positive thing to get angry, but to try to understand. I did tell my daughter that she isn't selfish, she is just being a kid, but she should try to behave and not fight in the car.

You might want to tell your kids that there is a difference between "acting selfish" and "being a selfish person".

Everyone (adults and children) have moments of bad behavior and poor choices, but those actions don't always reflect a core personality trait, many times they are just spontaneous emotional responses which are not being controlled by self-discipline (perfectly normal for kids since they haven't learned self-discipline yet).

If you can address the core behavior patterns in your kids, make sure they are secure and have self respect, then help them learn self-discipline, the other stuff will work itself out.

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I think your daughter is handling this thing very well. She is confiding in you and you are being supportive. She needs to know that grown-ups can be jerks and she doesn't have to sink to their level, even if she is only a kid. I would keep the lines of communication open and continue to let your daughter know that she is the one behaving with the better manners. Your parents will probably continue to act like rejected prom dates, but soon you will be far enough away that it won't matter very much.

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@Linkat,

Arrgggh.

Thats tough. They must be really sad. And that's hard on you.

I just talk to kids abut how people get kind of angry a lot when they are sad, and that they sometimes say dumb things they don't mean.....

I agree it's great that you are being told about this....and encourage them to keep talking.

For what it's worth, I usually talk to kids about not needing to defend you, or feeling disloyal if they don't....that you understand how the grandparents feel, even though you think it's not fair they are saying that in front of the kids.

Do you think it might make a difference if you aired stuff with your parents?

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I just received a call from my daughter - the younger one was crying because her grandmother called her an animal when she threw her shoe at her sister. She was crying asking to come home. I talked with my older daughter and she said she wanted to come home too.

I called my husband and he thinks I should leave them there. I want to go pick them up. It kills me to listen to this.

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@Linkat,

Is that normal language from them to kids? Or is this really off the wall?

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

I just received a call from my daughter - the younger one was crying because her grandmother called her an animal when she threw her shoe at her sister. She was crying asking to come home. I talked with my older daughter and she said she wanted to come home too.

I called my husband and he thinks I should leave them there. I want to go pick them up. It kills me to listen to this.

Um... These folks need some child-care lessons.

You don't call kids names; you send them to time out. And then make them apologize. And give lots of attention to whomever was hit/shoved/whatever.

And you do it the same time, every time, and escalate with other consequences as necessary.

Hell yes, go pick them up, and give the grandparents a talking to.

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@dlowan,

I don't know. I just got off the phone with them. Seems they were being naughty kids and fighting and being difficult so they called them (possibly) a bunch of animals. I think the kids were talking about acting like animals so it wasn't out of context. They got in trouble, which they should, and it may have been that they didn't like to be in trouble so they called me.

Seems like they are calm now. I may have overreacted (today) because of some of the things my older daughter said the other day.

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@DrewDad,

I'd probably not talk a lot on the picking up, but might have a parent grandparent conference at another time. Then again, I might not have that kind of conference. Linkat has talked about these issues before, and it's been a bit of a revolving nightmare. What I might do and what Linkat needs to do might well be different.

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@ossobuco,

I know - It is difficult to determine what might help (and these are my parents).

My husband suggested saying some things - but I don't think they would help. He mentioned some moving stuff, but I pointed to the fact that my mom said she did not want to be reasonable.

I am trying to get a feel for what is actually happening - are the kids just being naughty and don't like the idea about getting into trouble? I know when I punish them sometimes my youngest will cry for her grandmom - and that is simply giving a well deserved time out.

And with school starting next week, how much is a result of school coming up as well? If I could talk with them reasonably (my parents that is) then I could get a better understanding of what really is going on.

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@Linkat,

Oh, yes. Kids will exploit any crack.

1 Reply

What to do? Grandparents telling grandchildren they’re parents are stupid, selfish, etc.

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