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What is forgivable?

 
 
Foxfyre
 
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 02:15 pm
Over in the politics thread, and mentioned in another thread in this forum, are incidents of high profile persons caught in various indiscretions, embarrasing circumstances, and assorted peccadillos. Some of the discussion raises some side issues.

1) What causes one's mate/spouse/significant other to stray?

2) How does one appropriately deal with it when one's mate/spouse/significant other strays?

3) And finally, as asked in the poll, I have become curious about how tolerant are we of these kinds of things?

What do you think?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 2,782 • Replies: 40
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hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 04:18 pm
What ever my wife and I do with-in the boundaries of what we have negotiated over the years is fine, violating the agreements is not. Hand in hand with this is working with each other to see that our needs and wants get met. We are open and honest about what we want/need, and work together to make that happen.

1) wants/needs are not getting met with-in the primary relationship

2) we need to talk and reach a new agreement that both can hold to and both feel good about...this sometimes takes many months

3) everything is on the table as options. We are erotically adventurous so most everything in the poll we have done, and sometimes do often.
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Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 04:23 pm
You guys hire prostitutes, hack?
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hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 04:29 pm
Mame wrote:
You guys hire prostitutes, hack?


I am going to project an air of mystery.....but you do know from my other posts that I have a high regard and respect for prostitutes. Assume that I have some personal experience with the subject matter.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 04:35 pm
hawk -- what you project is not an air of mystery.
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Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 04:39 pm
Laughing
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hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 04:40 pm
JPB wrote:
hawk -- what you project is not an air of mystery.


OK, I can live with that.
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shewolfnm
 
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Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 04:41 pm
AAAAHAHHAHAHHAHAH

For me, there are three choices on that poll that would end the relationship.

All involve sex outside our relationship.
It doesnt matter to me if it is a one time thing, or a long term extra marital relationship.

I dont agree with that.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 04:46 pm
I'm pretty mmm relaxed about relationship stuff.

Maybe I have bonding issues, I dunno, but I don't even know if the level I said was a problem would be a problem. I suspect if it came down to it I wouldn't be fussed.
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Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Mar, 2008 05:47 pm
I admire your 'free-ness', bethie.
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 12:27 am
Most women I think do not feel that free.

I have a family member who long ago confided that her husband had had two affairs. She knew when they started and she knew when they ended though it was some time before she identified the 'other woman'. She felt used, abused, mistreated, and unloved, but what was she going to do? She had a houseful of little kids that without him, she would have to support herself. So she felt trapped. And she took it. And she never said anything to him.

She cried at his funeral.

But I always wondered if she ever forgave him.
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vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:17 pm
I've come to see that within humanity, there are many, many different types of people. Now that may sound obvious, except deep down inside us, for most people, a part of us thinks that other people are 'like us' or 'should be like us' (while often enough, another part of us argues for tolerance).

As I met more and more people, I started to notice that sexual preference (I'm not just talking gay/hetero, but also BDSM, swingers, group orgies etc) has nothing to do with whether someone is likeable or not...because everyone of us will like someone who, unbeknownst to us, has a sexual preference we would find odd, or a turn off. And everyone of them is still the same person they would otherwise be.

The reason I bring this up is, some people find nothing wrong with being married and sleeping with others. It may not be wrong for them, but it could be wrong for their husband/wife...while in other marriages, both the husband and wife find nothing wrong with sleeping with other people - some even join clubs for this purpose.

That is all to say - in regards to the sexual examples given in the OP's question - if the person we are talking about is not in relationship with us - we have no reason at all to judge that person based on their sexuality. And whether or not 'forgiveness' would be given (or even needed), is up to the nature of the individuals involved.

So it seems a rather pointless poll to me.
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:24 pm
Perhaps, but we aren't asking that you judge anybody other than yourself here. The poll asks for YOUR attitude about these things, not what you think anybody else's point of view should be.

So far the discussion has been quite nonjudgmental I think.
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hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:40 pm
Foxfyre wrote:
Most women I think do not feel that free.
.


I think that a lot of younger women feel sexually free. These are the ones who approach sex in a masculine way, are sexual aggressors, want lots of sex with little emotional involvement. I think that often they are in essence naturally feminine so this project does not have a good result. in the end, unlike a masculine man, this sexual misadventure leaves them feeling empty and used. This can be avoided however. There is a new feminism outlined in such works as "the ethical slut" which combines both sexual appetite and feminine approach in a freeing and healing way.
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vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:40 pm
I understand that Foxfyre - The whole point of my post is that the poll seems a pointless exercise to me.

Hawkeye (I know you're only quoting a book title) for quite a while now, I haven't fathomed why people label others 'tarts' or 'sluts' in a derogatory way.
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:46 pm
vikorr wrote:
I understand that Foxfyre - The whole point of my post is that the poll seems a pointless exercise to me.


That's okay. I honestly did wonder though what the personal attitudes of some of the A2K members might be on this considering how prevalent sex scandals have been the news for some time now. Perhaps all curiosity is pointless, but I confess to being guilty of the affliction.
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:47 pm
hawkeye10 wrote:
Foxfyre wrote:
Most women I think do not feel that free.
.


I think that a lot of younger women feel sexually free. These are the ones who approach sex in a masculine way, are sexual aggressors, want lots of sex with little emotional involvement. I think that often they are in essence naturally feminine so this project does not have a good result. in the end, unlike a masculine man, this sexual misadventure leaves them feeling empty and used. This can be avoided however. There is a new feminism outlined in such works as "the ethical slut" which combines both sexual appetite and feminine approach in a freeing and healing way.


An interesting perspective Hawkeye. Are you possibly suggesting that there is a physical/biological/psychological difference between men and women? But perhaps those differences are eroding? Smile
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vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:49 pm
Ah well, curiosity I understand Very Happy
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hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:50 pm
Foxfyre wrote:

An interesting perspective Hawkeye. Are you possibly suggesting that there is a physical/biological/psychological difference between men and women? Smile


All historical evidence as well as science proves this to be true. Those who claim that men and women are the same are so out of evidence that their view could reasonably be called delusional.
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hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Mar, 2008 03:55 pm
vikorr wrote:


Hawkeye (I know you're only quoting a book title) for quite a while now, I haven't fathomed why people label others 'tarts' or 'sluts' in a derogatory way.



Slut used to be a derogatory term, it is not any longer assumed to be. Some people call themselves a slut and mean it in a positive way.
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