Written by a troopr/bloger in Iraq ....
http://turningtables.blogspot.com/
..9.12.2003...
thank paul woodward of warincontext.org for this interview
Posted by: moja / 22:29
i'm writing from my tailgate...it's dark...the mosquitoes are bad...one of my best friends on earth...laub...he just left...he came over to my site and spent most of the evening with me...it was a good way to wrap this up...thinking and talking about old times...old parties...old friends...he just left...i may or may not see him again...it's hard to tell...i hope i do...i hope i see a lot of these guys again...my heat baby...willie b....big sexxy...oscar...who knows what the future holds...
i've been thinking about how i should wrap this up...i've actually given thought to what i should say...you should all know that i never think about what i'm going to write...it just kind of starts with a sentence...and a page and half later...it's done...i usually proof read about 9 times...but still the miss spellings will sneak through...i try my best...i really do...
there is a surreal feeling in knowing that this is my last night in the 'rak'...that by this time next week...i will be in my woman's arms...that i will be home...and i will never have to leave again for something like this...it's a big feeling...calming in a nervous kind of way...jumpy while at peace...
i thought i should try to explain my confusion...to really lay it on the line...i think you all deserve that...especially you 'o.g.'s out there...the ones that have been reading since the beginning...and the ones i write to pretty often...you know who you are...
someone emailed me the other day and started this train of thought with in my big head...they used some terms that made me understand my confusion...my confusion was confusing...he used the words 'macro' and 'micro'...these words hit the problems square on the nose...and i nod an affirmative towards them...
to many i'm sure that it would appear that i can not see the 'macro' good that is attempting to come through with this war...the bigger picture...but i do...i know that saddam was a horrendous tyrant...capable of anything...holding his country at knife point...slaughtering...kidnapping...freighting...
this country was not free..and it was being taken advantage of...it was being reaped...and it seems as though only a few would see the rewards...those in favor with the big guy...america liked him...with the old adage of 'the enemy of my enemy...'...but that adage is not the best to ever come out of someone's mouth...and it creates problems...just like in afghanistan...we create problems...we have to deal with them...it's not fair...but that is the way it is...i look at iraq now...and i know that they were not in a black hole...they lived somewhat normal lives in comparison to us...the u.s....they did have internet even if it was monitored and fire walled...they did not have television as we know it from what i've read...i'm sure the t.v. waves snuck through to some...but not all...they did not have some very basic freedoms that we take for granted...i read an article by salam...he actually feared for his life while writing his journal...he feared for his family...and he risked their lives by putting his feelings out there...the feelings that we all could relate to...the feelings that said..."we aren't so different...you and i"...
there are mass graves being unearthed...there are people digging through them...trying desperately to find long since gone loved ones...i can't even imagine...yes i can...
i do think that iraq will one day be better...i do think that this country will enjoy basic freedoms...and i hope they will be able to take advantage of them...with out intervention from any outside source...they deserve it...because they are not all terrorists/freedom fighters/militants/what ever...they are people...and they hurt...and they worry...and they sweat...and they work...and they provide as best they can...that's what we do...all of us...
and maybe that is why the 'micro' problems hurt me so...because i see now...like i've never seen before...the blinders are off...the eyes are wide...my heart is open...gut wrenching...and horrible...a problem we caused...that we have to end...and i wonder...at what cost...how many more will die...how many more will fight...how many more will feel the unquenched disbelief at this new situation...this situation that isn't exactly panning out like we might have imagined...i here the small arms fire...i feel the explosions...the 'micro' has slapped me in the face everyday that i woke up here...it has affected me...it will continue to affect for the rest of my life...i know all to well that people...iraqis...and americans...are dying everyday...i see the smoke from the car bombs...i feel the hurt in my heart...
they are dying here...these people...humans...us...
i have felt...on a few occasions...an extreme relief...a overwhelming peace...a mind-blowing simplicity...i have realized in nights of thought and self reflection...that every particle...every moment...every act...and every life...that has ever existed throughout the dawning of all and everything has worked to bring you...me...and us...to this exact moment in time...and who are we to waste that...who are we to throw away such an opportunity...to see the other side...to feel one another's pain...to work for a better tomorrow...to make good on bad decisions...
i know that the world is hard...i know that iraq is worse then it was 6 months ago...in terms of just about everything...but i have to believe that it will turn around...someday...i have to believe it in my heart...that i was apart of something good...no matter it's perceived reasoning...no matter what...i have to believe that i have worked to do the right thing in this country so far from my home...because how could i live with myself any other way...
my walk is almost over...but the journey is far from complete...
this is moja_vera...live from baghdad...
peace in the middle east 2003
Posted by: moja / 21:33