let us know how tonight goes....
Well i had not contacted her since tuesday afternoon, and she never showed for tonights meeting, but on the way to work from the meeting, i got a text message and out of all the people it could of been, it was her lol ... she didnt say much though, basically I Am Okay , which is kinda like a slap in the face so my friends say, but atleast she is letting me knwo she is okay ( my main concern and a question i posed to her in my texts/calls), so i didnt reply back and i feel like i shouldnt .. atleast for several days if not a week. i think my best plan of action is to let her come to me, and if i dont reply .. i feel she might worry her self as she knows i always call her or text her back with in 1 hour of getting a message, so if i go 2-3 days with out replying, she gonna contact me again ...
idk ... i just wanna take it easy now ... i like her alot but i wanna play hard to get so to say .. i think im a little over board with my affection/contacting lol .... i need to make her come to me
` Dustin
Agree ? or Disagree?
Quote:idk ... i just wanna take it easy now ... i like her alot but i wanna play hard to get so to say .. i think im a little over board with my affection/contacting lol .... i need to make her come to me
` Dustin
Agree ? or Disagree?
Good for you for waiting...I would do the same (wait that is), though for different reasons than playing 'hard to get' :wink:
ay, yi, yi
Disagree.
Dustin, don't play anything. That's exactly what I meant by the significance of the age differences. She's mourning the loss of her husband and you're trying to figure out how to play a game? She's too old for you.
Dating a woman who's husband just died
Please realize that this woman is still in the acute stages of grief.
She is responding to you as a friend offering support during a time of grief.
Grief takes months, if not years, to work through. Anything you are feeling for her is far too early. She will not be ready for another relationship for a long long time.
Let her heal her grief. Be a friend, but do NOT expect anything more than that. If you pursue a romantic relationship with her, you will be disappointed. Once she is done grieving, she may be completely different in personality than what you see now, and you two may have very little in common. Both of you will be hurt as a result.
Give her time and space...lots of it...for months. Then see what happens.
JPB, all life is a game - the negative connotations associated with the word 'game' when referring to romance is silly - flirting is a game, romance is a game, seduction is a game, dating is a game, 'tuning' is a game, getting to know someone is a game of give and take...and it's all fun, which is what life is about.
Blinky also obviously has no desire to hurt the girl.
That said - while generally I agree that pursuing women (for true romance) in the grief stages is pointless or fraught with danger/difficulties/risks (for both parties), you are, and I'm not, Blinky. He's heard the advice, and obviously decided still to try for a relationship.
horseshit.
fun and games are two different words for a reason. I'll all in favor of having fun, I have no time for games. Games invoke a sense of winning and losing. He's trying to play games with a woman who is trying to put the floor on the floor and the ceiling on the ceiling. She'll have up times and down times for a long time to come. Anyone involving himself in the courtship of a woman still in mourning, who is needy and in hopes of a new beginning, does not need someone who thinks of anyone but her and her reentry into the world.
JPB wrote:horseshit.
fun and games are two different words for a reason. I'll all in favor of having fun, I have no time for games. Games invoke a sense of winning and losing. He's trying to play games with a woman who is trying to put the floor on the floor and the ceiling on the ceiling. She'll have up times and down times for a long time to come. Anyone involving himself in the courtship of a woman still in mourning, who is needy and in hopes of a new beginning, does not need someone who thinks of anyone but her and her reentry into the world.
Since you are allergic to the term "game" why don't you use a new word? Courtship has always been and always will been playing of a game, some people like it. The object of the game is for all to win, it is not one individual getting over on the other, it is both individuals getting each other.
A guy is supposed to think about the girl and only the girl, never himself???? That is a dysfunctional codependent relationship, not healthy for anyone.
Lets do games a minute...
Blinky is playing Candyland on the Monopoly board.
These two are on different frequencies, and it's not doing either of them long term good.
RH
You are of course, entitled to your opinion, and we disagree.
Quote:fun and games are two different words for a reason.
Isn't romance playful? When it's playful, and there is back and forth, then you are playing a game. And aren't games meant to be fun? And don't games involve imagination, skill, (and some back and forth play)etc...like flirting does, and dating conversation does, romance does etc
Quote:Games invoke a sense of winning and losing.
For yourself, that's a fair enough view to hold. For me, the way I see it, both can be (and hopefully will be) winners. The difference between your view of a game and mine, is one of intention...if you are just in it for yourself - bad...if you want both to get something out of it - good. It's a sad world when the game of romance HAS to have a winner. The game of romance should be fun, and to my way of thinking - thinking of it as a game makes it a great deal more fun.
Quote:He's trying to play games with a woman who is trying to put the floor on the floor and the ceiling on the ceiling.
I'll go back to my previous statement of intentions. Then the 'right' of the matter is up to Blinky to decide.
Quote:She'll have up times and down times for a long time to come.
Quite agree.
Quote:Anyone involving himself in the courtship of a woman still in mourning, who is needy and in hopes of a new beginning, does not need someone who thinks of anyone but her and her reentry into the world.
You know this applies to Blinky, and to this woman how?
Another way to look at it - all life is a game...and like any game, you can take it seriously or not, you can play to win or not, you can choose to have fun or not, you can choose to make it fun for others or not, etc.
If all life is a game - romance, then flirting etc by definition (if you accept that all life is a game), is a game.
The differences to the game occur in how one approaches it.
hawkeye10 wrote:JPB wrote:horseshit.
fun and games are two different words for a reason. I'll all in favor of having fun, I have no time for games. Games invoke a sense of winning and losing. He's trying to play games with a woman who is trying to put the floor on the floor and the ceiling on the ceiling. She'll have up times and down times for a long time to come. Anyone involving himself in the courtship of a woman still in mourning, who is needy and in hopes of a new beginning, does not need someone who thinks of anyone but her and her reentry into the world.
Since you are allergic to the term "game" why don't you use a new word? Courtship has always been and always will been playing of a game, some people like it. The object of the game is for all to win, it is not one individual getting over on the other, it is both individuals getting each other.
A guy is supposed to think about the girl and only the girl, never himself???? That is a dysfunctional codependent relationship, not healthy for anyone.
Right, this is a relationship that is ultimately not healthy for either of them.
You and vikorr are talking in terms of a relationship between two emotionally healthy individuals. Earlier in this thread I said that this is not the time or place to talk about generalities. This is a 20-something kid getting feedback from his 20-something pals on how to catch the prize. This thread is ONLY talking about a 35 year old woman with two small children who has recently lost her husband and a young man who finds her neediness exciting. There is nothing general about this situation.
rockhead wrote:These two are on different frequencies, and it's not doing either of them long term good.
agreed.
Quote:You and vikorr are talking in terms of a relationship between two emotionally healthy individuals.
No, that is misleading. Most people who enter relationships have emotional vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and baggage. Emotional health is a matter of degrees.
Quote: Earlier in this thread I said that this is not the time or place to talk about generalities.
And that is a view I disagree with. Blinky can't possibly give enough information (and accurate enough information) to give advice on anything bar generalities.
Even your view and advice to Blinky so far has been generalities.
That said, there is nothing wrong with saying that you think what he is doing is heading for disaster - to a greater degree I think a similar outcome rather likey...but that's where I draw the line, because there is nothing to say that it MUST end in disaster, or that it just can't be beneficial to the woman, and in the end, it's Blinky's decision to make.
I am feeling a masculine/feminine split here, the masculine sense that one must have the courage of their convictions, the feminine being most concerned with health and not being hurt. A man must not be reckless, but nor can one let himself be shackled by a mandate to always be safe.
I'm feeling a loss of the true point, which is Blinky and his outlook and wellbeing...
Cast me as whichever gender you feel safe with.
RH
WOW , finally some real life conversation, to sum up my self, im not a kid ... ive matured in life more then any of my friends, i dont go drinking, ive never done drugs, i dont care to go party n have lots of fun, i dont care to have sexual relations with just any girl, i need a relationship and love to do so, also im not into the typical ( get some booty and move on).
I really do care for this lady, she is beautiful , sweet , kind and she is going threw something worst then im going threw, i wanna be there for her and the kids, i wanna be the guy who she can cry with or lean on, but i also would like to be the man who gets to kiss her at end of night, i want that marraige that lasts until death, not a simple divorce in 5 years, to word it up , i date girls who i see as a possible wife, i dont date to just date . there for im a real man , not a boy , player , kid , w/e ...i treat ladies with respect as that is how my mom taught me.
Yes im the type of guy who was raised by just my mom, my mom was my world .. she taught me what i truely wanted .. a family ... i wanna be a dad and a husband ... i dont wanna end up like my own father ( a deadbeat, abusive, drinker , drugger , low life ) , i wanna be like my grandfather( he was married to my grandmother for 52 years b4 he died, he served in military in ww2 , he earned a good living and provided for his family).
So when it comes down to the nitty gritty , i really like this lady, she isnt just a quick sex pick up or anything, i want a relationship ... but i also want to be there emotionally to help her threw all this as i already have been in certain senses.
And yes she had not replyed to me for over a week, yes i kinda went overboard trying to check in on her, yes she finally replied last night after missing grief class and all she said was I am okay! , so yes it was short and yes i didnt reply, im going to wait for her to come to me or wait about a week and then contact her ............
Most of my guy friends want me to just score with her, there like she prob. wants sex and that companionship she has been without for almost a year, but im not like that ... i see in her that she will want more but as we all have said ( ITS GONNA BE IN TIME, NOT 2 MONTHS , HELL MAYBE NOT 1 YEAR) but at some point she will be ready .. and i wanna be the man there waiting
Well that sums it up for now, please reply as you would like
~ Dustin
I'm feeling some disconnect here. I feel that if you are mature, you'd NOT be telling much to these immature friends of your's. They seem to cheering on your being intimate with her. They aren't so likable...but that's a side issue.
You are both in an emotionally needy space and should go SLOWER. Something about this all says lay back further...and learn some more about yourself and about her..and relationships. Perhaps allow her to indicate where she wants to go in the relationship. Date others ..get your feet wet..or wetter ...with a variety of relationships.
Quote:I am feeling a masculine/feminine split here, the masculine sense that one must have the courage of their convictions, the feminine being most concerned with health and not being hurt. A man must not be reckless, but nor can one let himself be shackled by a mandate to always be safe.
Hi Hawkeye,
You know, you have rather interesting views - in many ways similar to mine, though perhaps based in differing concepts.
That seems to come back to my twin beliefs of (everyone is equal) and ('I' am the most important person in the world) = which equals = (everyone is the most important person in the world)
I've found that those two concepts form the basis of :
How to be an alpha male, yet sensitive
How to lessen incidents of conflict, and deal with them better when they do occurr
How to take less offence at aggression/attacks, and to be calmer
How to concentrate more fully on others
How not to be distracted while others are talking
It seems to have application to ones 'sexiness', and to ones ability to be 'vulnerable' to others (to be open), to be who you are etc etc etc.
Of course, knowing this mentally, and living it intrinsically are two different (if related) things.
You guys should get a room...
