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Fri 15 Feb, 2008 05:56 am
Hi,
Well ill start off straight to the point, i met an older lady whos husband passed away suddenly about 7 months ago, she is about 35 and has 2 kids (ages 7 months and 2 n half years), her husband passed almost under the same circumstances that my mom did(also recently in november), so i recently started going to a grief class where i met her and we have since hit it off pretty well, we speak via email and phone calls couple times a week and last night we met for a 2nd time, which is where my question comes into play, when she entered class last night, she gave me a kiss on cheek and deep long hug, followed by holding hands during the class, we then went outside upon the class ending and had a nice long conversation about alot of different things, we talked about maybe going out with kids and she invited me to her parents house for dinner and to hang out, we also have talked about me visiting her in her hometown where she lived with her husband, so i guess what my question would be is ....
What should my next step be, im 23 yrs old and i actually want a family, i wanna be married, have kids, yada yada yada, im very mature for my age, so i could see us working out, but im not sure how to handle the situation, we both are emotionally attached via the circumstances of our loved ones deaths, but with the fact it was her husband, is there anything special that needs to be attended to so to speak, i would imagine it is still 2 soon for her to date, but if she is open to going out and all this stuff, does it mean she likes me more then just a regular guy?
well any feed back would be awesome, thank you all
~ D.J.
Hello,
Most likely she is feeling rather lonely, and you are a shoulder to lean on - someone who can understand, and she could feel that you share a bond because of that.
Yes, she probably likes you more than other guys, but that may or may not mean anything (much more likely it won't mean anything)
She still needs to go through her grieving process by the sound of it - and likely so do her children and parents etc.
It seems unlikely that she would invite you home if she had any true romantic feelings for you - that would likely cause problems with her parents and most espescially with the children.
Of course some of this depends on what her husband was like, but considering she's going to grief class, then one would presume she loved him very much, and misses him very much.
Thanks for the quick reply, i know that she prob. is seeing me as that guy who she can lean on and so on and i have no problem with that, im just curious if there is a way to transfer from the great guy to lean on to romantic down the line, im by far not trying to just hook up with her or anything, i think with what we have in common, that we would actually make a decent couple, so what ever i would seek, i would hope it to be long term, so i would assume that if she wants me around kids n family, then she trusts me and that cant hurt in the long run?
am i correct? and she was married 2 n half years, been together about 6, and her husband was a great guy, or atleast he seems so from what she has told me.
You are much too young to consider taking on such a load. A 35 year old widow with 2 children? Why step into such a loaded situation as that?
Let me ask you? You're in grief counseling over your mothers' passing? Are you sure you're not looking for a mother substitute yourself?
She's just hitting her stride. Geesh, you don't have to marry her. Enjoy the ride.
Seven months? that's not very long . . . She's probably scared as hell, lonely, in denial, and looking for a friend - probably moving too fast, too.
Don't misinterpret this. She may just want companionship right now. You are young and have energy and seem very willing to just "take over".
You are going to have to put the brakes on this in how fast it's going.
Easy does it.
thanks for the wonderful replys so far, as far the comment about looking for a mother, no that isnt the case, ive for the longest time have liked older women, im pretty mature for my age and girls my age dont want marraige n kids and all that, so she is what i want in a women.
but my main thing is that she hasnt fully grieved yet, nor have i but mine is different then hers, but i just really enjoy being around her and talking to her and we have alot in common, i just really fear falling into that friend zone, if i never step up to ask her ona date, but she already is talking about how there man in the kids life except her dad whos like 60, and we just really had this deep talk in parking lot and it excited me, i havent really connected with someone like that in a long time.
so anyway im just trying to get some ideas of what my steps could be, i really dont wanna marry her anytime soon, but i would like to have some type of romantic relationship ( and no its not the sex, i want everything from cuddling to kissing to just having that person you love and can tell stuff too), so idk ... im just not sure what step to go in.
That's easy....have fun and don't expect anything. If you are still in her life a year or so from now reevaluate. In all likelihood you are an ego booster for her, that is a friend, and never can be the one. But who knows.
BLINKY17 wrote:
i would like to have some type of romantic relationship ( and no its not the sex, i want everything from cuddling to kissing to just having that person you love and can tell stuff too), so idk ... im just not sure what step to go in.
Wait... you didn't tell us you were a lipstick lesbian...
ha ha, funny ... i just meant as im sure you realize when you read it, was it not like i just wanna hook up with her, i would love too lol but id rather have a relationship, so how i figured it was, start doing stuff with her n kids and if all seems to go okay, ask her on a date date in 3-4 months, she just seems so damn sweet and idk ... i guess im a sucker for love lol
She has kids.... she can't be that sweet.
Hi cj...
let's go talk guns.
RH
This poor dude has a severe case of blue balls and you want to talk guns?
No, not really, but I will if you'll leave him be a bit...
RH
My advice here is good. Roger that. Out.
funny guys, but i do love to go shooting, farely good with over and under skeet n trap, but anyway would it be safe bet to wait 3 months or so, her husbands 1 year anniv. is in about 5 months
Blinky, it's very late, and I try to stay off the relationship stuff at these hours, except to toss uglies..
You need to understand the emotional needs of your friend....
(you cannot yet, and I am warning you by this)
Her world is so different from yours, that the only place it can really meet, is a quick fix for you both...
I will follow this, but you are on parallel planes that do not mix long term.
RH
well i wanted to thank everyone so far with there responses, however i would like to get a few more, ive been told by a friend that i should actually sit down and talk to her and kinda explain my feelings, so that it would be easier in the long run, any ideas here?
Blinky, you need ta talk to some of the sensitive folk round here, but alla them already hit the hay...
I'll bump ya in the mornin', and you'll have plenty more advice.
Only strange folk runnin' round these parts when you and I hang out...
RH
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