Death

Black tulip--

Welcome to A2K.

Of course you're numb right now. The structure of your entire world has been with no warning, no chance to prepare.

All death is hard. Untimely deaths are the most difficult--especially when you are responsible for children. (By the way, it is perfectly normal to wish that you could put your children in suspended animation until you pull yourself together. I don't advise doing this, but the impulse is understandable and very healthy).

You can expect to be an emotional basket case for awhile. You may be less prepared for days on end when you find yourself acting as an intellectual nincompoop. This is normal.

You've already come up with a glimmering of how to sooth your son's manly ambitions that he should have been able to prevent the death. Explain that he was able to say goodbye--and the goodbye counts even if he was a bit inept about it.

Even grownups are inept about making sudden goodbyes.

When people ask what they can do to help, ask them for their understanding, one day at a time. Be prepared for perfectly nice people to say some perfectly awful things--and awful people will be even worse.
Try to forgive them, but if you lose your temper forgive yourself.

Keep your children to their "normal" routine as much as possible. Give them permission to be confused just as you're giving yourself permission to be confused.

Hold your dominion.

Welcome to A2K, Black Tulip.

Noddy has pretty much said what I would have.

I will just add that whatever you are feeling is okay. You can't beat yourself up over the things that you cannot change. Allow yourself to feel the pain and anger, and when joy or a laugh appears, however briefly, allow them as well without guilt.

You are not alone. A million women have experienced this before. They have done so in a million different ways. Your way will be unique. There is no book declaring how you should pull through. I have a sense that you will do so with courage and strength.

Above all, keep talking when you need to.

Black Tulip- Welcome to A2K!

Of course you are confused. You have just been hit by a ton of bricks. Losing a loved one is always difficult. Losing one suddenly is even more confusing.

Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to grieve. Rant and rail if this is your style.

You are not going to die, although there will be times that you may feel that you are close to dying. That too, is natural. Hey, your world has just been turned upside down.

You have your children to think of. They too are going through a deep trauma. It is important now that you help them to express their grief. Even though you may think that you are totally drained emotionally, helping the kids get through this will be strength giving to you. And they need your support right now.

When someone dies, the people left behind characteristically go through this "woulda, coulda, shoulda," sort of scenario. If they only had said this, if they had only done that, goes through most people's minds.

Problem is, that life is not like that. Things happen when you least expect it.

What you have now is your future, and the futures of your kids. Help them to get through this. There is a book, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross that many people have found helpful, when faced with the death of a loved one. It discusses the five stages of grief that we all go through when there is a loss. It may help you to understand that what is happening to you is universal, which may be a comfort:

Link to Kubler Ross

You may want to check around in your area to see if their are any grief support groups. Your house of worship or mental health agency in your area may be helpful in connecting you with such a group.

And you have A2K. We are gratified when we can be helpful to people who are going through the tribulations of life. You are going to be fine. Just take everything one step at a time, and be gentle with yourself.

Book marking this thread -- I'll be back. In the meantime, Black tulip, there are some excellent grief forums on the internet. I highly recommend
griefsjourney.com (just add the www. in front of that).

Black tulip -- welcome to A2K.

Please accept my since condolences for your loss.

There is no right way to get through these days. Your way is the right way for you. Allow yourself to grieve and allow your son to grieve separately -- yet it's important that you are there for each other.

The folks here are warm, welcoming, and will sit with you in whatever ways are helpful. You will pass through many stages of grief, as will your son. There is no timeline. We're here for you through each of those stages for as long as it takes.

Death
Black Tulip - my deepest condolences. I've just gone through this myself, and know the kind of feelings you are having. All of them are normal, and none of them can be totally avoided. What you really have to do is remember that anything that makes you feel guilty is off-limits. (and let me tell you I know very well how difficult this is).

The line between legitimate sorrow and self-pity is a fine one, but you must draw it.

Of course you will think "If only I had said/done...", but you must put those thoughts aside. Save your energy for the sake of your children, and don't waste time on unproductive thinking.

Don't make any major decisions at this point if you can possibly avoid doing so. With the best will in the world, you will have difficulty seeing things in proportion. Time will take care of this.

Keep as busy as you can - and with two young children to care for, I'm sure that won't be a problem.

I would suggest inquiring in your community whether there is free or inexpensive legal help to assist in getting your financial (and otherwise) affairs in order. Do you belong to a church or temple? If so, there may be volunteers in the congregation who are available to guide you through all the complexities of the next few months. If there is a university nearby, with a law school, there may be a program where more advanced students gain experience by helping members of the community with legal problems. Or look in the Yellow Pages for the nearest Legal Aid Society.

You may have to be more pro-active than you think possible at this moment, but your children come first; for their sakes you must start to take steps to sort out your future, and theirs. You have already begun this process by writing to A2K. Phoenix, Noddy, Squinney, and many others have been of incredible help to me, always there when I needed them, good, solid, reliable backup and understanding.

You didn't say whether you have any family to help you through this. Are you alone in this respect?

Keep in touch with this thread, and we will give you all the help we can.

Death


It's often easier to handle things at a remove, so to speak. Sometimes it's hard to unburden yourself face-to-face, especially emotionally.

Black tulip ~

First of all, some (((hugs))). I don't know if you're reading all of this, but I hope so. There are some great thoughts here, from people who know ... some have walked the path you're on, some are simply intuitive (in the very best sense). I am a widow myself...

The following is long, but I think, I hope, you'll find it helpful. It is something written for a grief counselling group. You are so very raw, right now, however, that it might be better to skim it and come back to it in a few weeks. The most important things right now is to allow yourself time to grieve, to drink lots of water, to be gentle with yourself, and to accept any hugs offered.

---------------------------------------------

We often hear about the stages of grief. Those of us who grieve their husbands find small comfort in the clinical terms and we often feel ?'judged' by others if we don't proceed through the prescribed stages. But there are common conditions to grief and I, a widow, have tried to list them below. The organization of the list is for my benefit as I write; it has nothing to do with my expectations of you or anyone. As you read it, remember that not everyone is going to have all these things, or exactly in the order described. If there is one thing that I can say for certain - it's that grief is non-linear.



Dealing with Grief

When your husband dies, you grieve. This means you experience a wide range of reactions over an extended period of time. Due to the intensity of these reactions, you may find yourself feeling frightened and overwhelmed. I'm writing this to tell you that this is quite normal.

You may be tempted to avoid the pain of grief by not thinking about it, always being busy, or rushing into new relationships. The only way to successfully deal with your grief is to acknowledge, understand and work through it. You will never "get over it", but the pain will eventually lessen and you will learn to live with it.

When you are grieving it helps to know what to expect. This checklist outlines thoughts, feelings and reactions that are a necessary part of grief. Your experiences may not match everything listed here, but you will find a number of similarities.

You will get lots of well-intentioned advice, but it is important to grieve in your own way and your own time. Your grief will reflect your own particular relationship with your husband and the conditions surrounding his death. Survivors of suicide have different issues with which to deal than long-time caregivers or sudden death through accident or illness.

Remember…
Talk about it.
Take care of your health.
Trust your intuitions and feelings.


Healthy Responses to Grief

When a Death Occurs….
After the death you will have feelings of shock, numbness and disbelief that this has happened. You may feel overwhelmed, panicked and experience strong physical reactions.

Your GRIEF TASK here is to move from denial to acceptance that the death really has occurred.

Social:
-Withdrawal from others
-Lack of interest in others' activities
-Unrealistic expectations
-Poor judgement about relationships


Body:
-Tight chest, palpitations
-Shortness of breath, crying, sighing
-Diarrhea, constipation, vomiting
-Lack of energy, weakness, rigidity
-Dizziness, shivering, faintness
-Change in appetite and sleep patterns

Feelings:
-Numb, empty
-Indifferent to daily activities
-Withdrawn or explosive
-Needing to continually review the death

Thoughts
-Confusion, sense of unreality
-Poor concentration, forgetfulness
-Denial, disbelief
-Daydreaming
-Constant thoughts about the person

Spiritual:
-Blaming God or life
-Lack of meaning or direction
-Wanting to die/to join the dead person

What Helps:
-To talk about the person and their death
-To have practical and emotional supports available
-To make no unnecessary changes


Confronting the Pain
Later, when the numbness wears off, you will begin to feel the emotional pain of grieving. The intensity of this pain may surprise and frighten you, but it is healthy and it will gradually lessen as you live with it.

Your GRIEF TASK here is to acknowledge, experience and work through your feelings of hopelessness, yearning and despair.

Social:
-Continued withdrawal, lack of interest
-Needing company but unable to ask
-Rushing into new relationships
-Self-consciousness

Body:
-Tight chest, shortness of breath
-Diarrhea, constipation
-Restlessness, aimless activity
-Sharp pangs, gnawing emptiness
-Nightmares, vivid dreams, hallucinations
-Change in appetite and sleep patterns
-Experiencing symptoms of illness

Feelings:
-Feelings are acute, conflicting and extreme
-Anger, sadness, guilt, depression
-Feeling lost, overwhelmed
-Generalized anxiety
-Unrealistic fears about others or self

Thoughts:
-Forgetfulness, daydreaming, confusion
-Continuing denial
-Inability to concentrate or understand
-Sense of going crazy, losing touch with reality


Spiritual:
-Continued blaming
-Lack of meaning
-Trying to contact the dead person

What Helps:
-To recognize the changes in your life
-To understand your grief and know others experience the same reactions
-To acknowledge and work through your emotions
-To take good physical and emotional care of yourself


Re-establishing Connections….
As your grief becomes less acute you will once again have the energy and desire to re-connect with the world.

Your GRIEF TASK is to adjust to a life without the deceased; to re-invest your energy in new activities and relationships.

Social:
More interest in others' daily affairs
Ability to reach out
Energy for social relationships
Desire for independence re-surfaces

Body:
Dreams and hallucinations decrease
Physical symptoms subside
Appetite returns to normal
Gut-wrenching emptiness is gone
More settled sleep

Feelings:
Emotions settle down, less extreme
Feeling of coming out of the fog
More peace and happiness
Some guilt about how life goes on

Thoughts:
Fewer thoughts of being crazy
Increased perspective about the death
Ability to remember with less pain
Improved concentration

Spiritual:
Reconnection with religious beliefs
New direction, life has meaning
Acceptance that death is part of life

What Helps:
To make an effort to engage in new relationships and activities
To learn new roles, skills and responsibilities
To begin making choices about your future




My Experience, My Words

Just some practical advice of things I've learned.


Panic Attacks

One common thing that happens to many widows is the panic attack. For no apparent reason your heart races, palms prickle, you might feel nauseous and an overwhelming need to run or hide, you might hyperventilate. The most effective method to gain some control over panic attacks seems to be deep breathing exercises.

If you can arrange it, take yourself to a quiet room with soft music or nature sounds. If not, find a private place to sit. I had panic attacks in the middle of business meetings and at the mall - I escaped to the stalls of public washrooms or my car. When you have found a safe spot and you're sitting, make sure that both feet are firmly on the ground and your rear is firmly planted on the seat. Keep your head up and shoulders squared. Close your eyes and, if possible, picture a place that makes you feel safe. This might be your grandmother's kitchen, your father's favourite chair, a sun-washed field, wherever. If you can't see a safe place yet, don't worry, just keep your eyes closed. With your mouth closed, inhale deeply, hold it as long as is comfortable, and then exhale with a whoosh through open lips. Repeat as often as possible until you are calm again. Imagine your pain as a red throbbing light in your forehead. With each exhalation, push that light further down - to your throat, your chest, your stomach, your bum, your thighs, calves and finally to the bottom of your feet. Try to imagine it pushed out through your feet into the floor.

Sleep

Many widows have radical changes to their sleep patterns. Insomnia is common. If you can't sleep, don't worry. It is more important for your body to rest. Lie quietly, listen to soothing music, knit or do some other quiet exercise. Take naps if and whenever you can. Don't fight it, just go with it. Your subconscious is very busy coming to grips with that huge emptiness on the other side of the bed.

A smaller percentage of widows have the opposite happen - they sleep constantly and deeply. This too is a coping mechanism that allows your psyche time to catch up with reality. If it happens, allow it.

Eating

Your diet may also be upset. Foods you previously loved will have no appeal. You may stuff yourself or forget to eat completely. As long as this doesn't go on for too long (I'm guessing not more than 3 months) it's not to be worried about. The most important thing is to drink lots & lots of water. This is very important. You are running a very good chance of becoming dehydrated. Please drink water.

Two foods that I can personally recommend are chocolate and bananas. Chocolate, especially the dark semisweet type, is a good source of dopamine, a mood altering substance. It is not a happy pill, but it can give some respite, a bit of calmness. And unlike prescription antidepressants there are no dependency issues or withdrawal symptoms. Bananas are an excellent source of potassium, a vital mineral that helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance.

So if you do nothing else for yourself (although I hope you will do many other things for yourself) have a widow lunch every day - 2 squares of dark chocolate and a banana, washed down with a big glass of water. I'm sure that no doctor will ever recommend this, but I have the anecdotal evidence of hundreds of widows and the support of my grief counsellor, who is herself a widow and previously a nurse, that this works.


Laughing

It's okay. There's no law against it. You may find yourself laughing at odd or very macabre things. This is a very human method to cope with crises. That which we can laugh at diminishes in significance and has no power over us. That which we can laugh at can be made smaller, until we can manage it.

Forgetfulness

We call it widderbrain. You may have had bouts of forgetfulness before, but you are now entering a whole new dimension of forgetfulness. Again, I suspect this is because our unconscious mind is very busy elsewhere, assimilating the fact that he is not here. If possible try to draw up routines and methods to deal with necessary daily tasks. Sticky notes are great, but try to keep them to one area only, such as around your computer screen.

Keep a little notebook in your purse with headings on each page like bank, groceries, children, pets. Write down things under the appropriate heading as they occur to you, and scratch them off when they've been done.

It's quite common for widows to forget to pay a bill, or to pay it twice. An expanding pocket file folder, with pockets numbered 1-31, will help you keep track of bills. When a bill comes in, I suggest that you write out the cheque right away, and then drop it into a pocket several days prior to it being due. For example, the phone bill arrives and is due on the 15th ~ you write out the cheque, stamp the envelope and drop it into the pocket that has 12 on it. Everyday you look into the pocket for that day and take care of what's there. So on the 12th of the month, you come across the phone bill and mail it.

Get another expanding pocket file with blank tabs. On the tabs write "property taxes (or rent)", "telephone", "electricity", "water", "cable", "heat", "personal income tax" and anything else that needs to be looked after. Once you've mailed the telephone cheques, mark the stub "paid" and date it, then drop it into the appropriate category.

Never throw out the trash, especially the paper trash, without looking through it first. It's amazing how often important things end up there.

Allow your pain

Give yourself permission - to cry, to have long soaks in the tub, to NOT clean out his things until you are ready, to take the time to adjust to this new life, to be kind to yourself.

Escape routes

Start engaging in the world again (you may have no choice, especially with children), but as gradually as possible. Always try to arrange an escape. Carry your cell phone, and if you need to leave a social gathering, concoct an emergency call. At a seminar, sit on an aisle seat at the rear of the room, closest to the door. You may never need that escape route, but you will be comforted knowing it's there if you do.

Skin Hunger

You will miss him for many reasons. And one of those will be physical intimacy and sex. The craving can become painful in itself, and carries the danger of leading you to do something that you will regret later. You probably will be able to talk yourself out of it, but if not - consider getting a massage or other hands-on spa treatment.

Learning new skills

One irony of widowhood is that the most feminist, independent women suddenly discover that they aren't. Over the course of any long-term relationship, it's natural for each person to take the responsibility for things that they enjoy and/or are good at. When he dies, suddenly you have to cope with the things he did, and maybe he's done them for so long that you forgot they were even there to be done.

Amid the tears, you will learn how to start the lawn mover (or get a lawn service), to do minor household repairs (or get a friendly handyman), service the car (or learn how to talk to the mechanic). I suggest you get a book on household repair and basic car maintenance. I think Reader's Digest publishes these. Even if you decide to hire people to look after these things, you'll feel more in control of the situation if you've read and understood a little about it.

Toxic People

Death has a way of showing the truth in people's characters. Many will say inappropriate things to you, but that's often because they feel the need to say something, don't really know what, and blurt out something they've heard elsewhere. Try to look beyond the words to the real concern they have for you.

But there are a few people who are toxic to you. They'll tell you to "get over it" or, worse, they'll try to take advantage of your vulnerability. Don't waste precious strength trying to make them understand, or to appease them. You need whatever strength you have for yourself and your children. Cut these people out of your life, even if they are family. Now, more than any other time, you must protect yourself - mind, heart, bank account, etc.

Accepting help

Many people want to help but don't know what to do. They'll say, "If there's anything I can do…." You may not know what to ask for. Or you may be shy to ask for something specific. But if you can think of something concrete, now is the time to state it. This is the ultimate win/win situation. You'll get some much-needed help, and they will feel good about being able to help you. Give yourself permission to ask that a trusted friend take your children to some event, or go with you to the dentist, or help you clean out the garage. You will get your chance to pay it forward, to them or to others, later -- when you are strong again.

Things that need immediate attention:

Don't be daunted by this list. Try to do one thing at a time, and when it becomes too much, take a break - it's a good time for that chocolate.

• Safety deposit box. Before you notify the bank of his death, clear out the safety deposit box and any joint accounts, because in some cases the bank will freeze it until the will is pronounced.
• Death certificates. You will need many, depending on the local laws. You will need some for unexpected organizations, such as the cell phone company. I got 10, of which my lawyer certified 5. I still have a few left, but you may need more or less. Usually you get them from the funeral home (easiest) or the government (paperwork).
• His will. If there is no will, gather all the information that you have on assets and see a lawyer.
• Application for any death benefits (terrible term, isn't it?)
• Cancel his driver's licence (and arrange for transfer of ownership of his car, if applicable).
• Cancel any subscriptions (magazines, cell phone, etc.) or club memberships (to save your money).
• Cancel credit cards (to prevent fraud), but only if they are his alone.

Things that can wait
• His personal effects at home
• Notification to utility companies (telephone, gas, electricity, water, etc.) if the accounts are in his name. They don't care as long as they are receiving payments. But notify them several months before you change utility providers, or move, or it can be a hassle.
• Change of ownership on property deed, mortgages, share certificates, bonds, stocks, GICs, etc. IF they are in both your names. Otherwise, bump this up to the "immediate" list.
• Your will, although if you are visiting the lawyer anyway, you may as well have it changed.
• Taking his name off of any joint bank accounts. Most banks will advise you to wait a year anyways, in case any residual cheques come in with his name on them. My bank told me that his name could remain on indefinitely. There's a practical side to this - when I had to write a cheque to a tradesman or someone I didn't know well, it felt more secure having his name on the cheque as well as mine.
• Deciding on the grave's headstone, or the urn (depending on the circumstances). Do it when YOU want, on your own time schedule, not when others think you should do it.
• Removing the wedding rings, changing your name etc. Despite what some people might say to you, these things can wait - forever, if you want.

Personal Security

Many widows feel very vulnerable, suddenly without a man around the house. My counsellor had me select a weapon that I was comfortable with (in my case, a hammer) and sleep with it and a cell phone by the side of the bed. If you hear a strange noise in the middle of the night, dial 911.

A police officer (and widower) suggested keeping a can of Raid wasp killer handy. It sprays up to 30 feet and can blind an attacker or burglar.

Keep a pair of his shoes or boots by the front door. It lets door-to-door salespeople know that there is a man around.

Get a key buddy - someone you can trust with your car and home keys, and who is home most of the time. With widderbrain happening, it's quite possible to lose your keys.

Check your locks on the doors and ground floor windows. Check the batteries in the smoke detectors.

Having said all that, I have yet to hear of a widow who has needed any of these measures. But doing them will put your mind at rest, for personal security anyway.


Find yourself

My counsellor did an excellent exercise with her patients. She asked each of us to introduce ourselves to a stranger (or a friend who can pretend to be a stranger) without once mentioning our dead husbands. It's difficult and it's painful in a way, but it's very helpful. Try it if you can. It can give you an identity; or rather it can remind you that you are a person, a whole person.

Some websites that might be helpful to you:

griefsjourney.com
widownet.org
ywbb.org
groww.org

Each of these on-line support communities has a slightly different culture. Visit them all to find the best fit for you.



Please check in with us again. We are concerned.

surreal
Thank you to those of you who replied, I found it helpful. I seem to be in a dream a haze of nightmare. We arranged the cremation last night and it did not seem real. To talk about coffin bearers and the costs - god the costs! You can not die without paying now!

My daughter went back to school yesterday and seems to be just getting on with things. My son is still at home and still sleeping with me. I ate a bit of salad yesterday first bit of food in 4 days but it was hard to eat and I felt sick and didn't want to eat.

I felt all the the things that people have said except pain, my heart feels blank. I don't sleep, I start shaking when I see the amount of paper work or have to do anything. I started smoking heavily - but not in front of or around the children - would never do that.

The children wrote a letter to their Dad and it will be put in the coffin with him. My daughter and son are designing the order of service. I have my sister here who can only stay for a bit as she lives a long way off. But a friend who I didn't know was such a good friend has been a tower of strength and seems to just get on and do things. She is due to go to hospital for an operation, am not sure what I am going to do then!

I want to do things right for my husband's goodbye - God did I say that! I want him back so badly, I just want him back! I don't want to be here doing this!

Black Tulip--

You love him, you miss him and you want to do him honor. This makes good sense.

Tico has lots of good, practical advice.

Remember, you never have to like reality. You just have to work your way around to accepting reality.

Hold your dominion.

Welcome, Black Tulip. There are people here who can give you far better advice than I, but I just wanted to say that I'm reading and that I'm glad you're here.

[/I]How Right you are but life seems so difficult at the moment people say it will get better I am not sure I want it to.

Two people who may be able to help you at this sad time are your Minister/Rabbi and a family lawyer.

You may need a lawyer to get your paper work all in order and even help you to sort out your husbands insurance, retirement funds and other affairs.

I know it's hard to get all the papers in order, but a professional may be the one to turn to in order to get things organized.

If you can't afford a lawyer, many towns have lawyers who can help you without charging a big fee.

I know it's hard to think about, but the sooner you start to get all the paperwork etc finished, the sooner you can hope to regain a normal life.

It's important to get the kids back to a normal routine. Then you can work on your own life.


One other thing, after your husband is cremated, you know you can keep the ashes in your home and
not rush to bury his ashes in the cemmetary. It'll also save you money, as cemmetary plots can be very expensive. Also if you move in the future, you can always take your husbands ashes with you.

Don't rush into things and try to think about the consequences of your actions. If in doubt, wait and think it out.

Best wishes...
Your Friend

I find your last phrase troubling. There is a difference between normal grief, and depression. You have suffered a severe loss, and appear to be having difficulty with dealing with it.

I do not know you, and have no way of knowing the severity of your emotional turmoil. I would suggest though, that if your thoughts are going too often to the idea of no longer living, that it is important for you to get professional help.

A small amount of medication for depression, might very well be what you need to help you cope during this troubling time. If you see a therapist in addition to a psychiatrist (who can prescribe) he/she will help you to sort out the conflicting emotions that you may be going through now.

You are stronger than you think, and you will be able to get through this trying time. Don't be shy about going for help.

Black tulip--



Your grief will always be acute, but you'll get more adept at carrying your burdens.

Phoenix has a good point. If you find yourself staying in bed all day and letting the kids run wild, you've probably reached a state of clinical depression. If this happens you should consider consulting a professional.

Meanwhile you've lost your beloved husband, the father of the children and the man who would have shared your future. You are entitled to numbness, rage, disorientation, fury and confusion.

walking for strength after bereavement
I walked with the children and the dog on the moor it had been snowing. The children said Dad would have loved this and we held each other tight and called out WE LOVE YOU! The wind whipped our voices away. We then had a snowball fight and I knew we were doing the right thing.

The dog was pleased with catching snowballs and it gave us a great release.

To day it is exactly a week ago when my husband died, I can not remember much about the week it seemed to go in a blur. I think I can find the strength to carry on somehow for the children's sake. It is going to be tough!
But I am here for them and I will do my best for them but I miss my husband very much.

Thanks forum for listening

Inner strength comes from so deep inside that we can oftentimes amaze ourselves with what we withstand. I've no doubt you will tap inner sources and make it through each hour and eventually each day. Yes, it's going to be tough and there will be times when you fall back to recoup your energies. There is no one right way to proceed but shouting out on the moors sounds exactly right.

Black tulip--

One of the valuable aspects of instincts is that they work when your conscious mind is paralyzed.

You obviously have some excellent instincts.

Hold your dominion.

Black Tulip ~ what an excellent thing to do, shouting & snowball fights on the moors. Kudos for that!

I read the posts regarding drugs with some dismay, although I have a lot of respect for the posters, because I'm essentially anti-drug. That's my bias, and I may or may not be right in it. But my premise is that you are not sick, you are in grief. It's a whole different thing. This kind of deep grief is a process that you must go through, and I'm so sorry that you do. I have seen new widows opt for the drugs and some, admittedly, have benefitted. But many more have had indifferent or even bad results.

Think twice. It's just one of the many, many decisions that just 2 weeks ago didn't even exist for you. And it comes at a time when the existence of a god seems as perplexing as which socks to put on in the morning. It's unbelievable. But baby steps, small incremental decisions, will take you through it. And, despite what I said about the anti-depressants, I'm a big proponent of professional grief counselling. It depends on you, and to a smaller extent on your friends & family support.



I understand this. It's a feeling that "better" is a betrayal -- of your husband and what happened to him, of your love -- that "better" is a diminution of this cataclysmic thing that happened to you. It's a feeling that will come and go.