Death

Black tulip--

Welcome to A2K.

Of course you're numb right now. The structure of your entire world has been with no warning, no chance to prepare.

All death is hard. Untimely deaths are the most difficult--especially when you are responsible for children. (By the way, it is perfectly normal to wish that you could put your children in suspended animation until you pull yourself together. I don't advise doing this, but the impulse is understandable and very healthy).

You can expect to be an emotional basket case for awhile. You may be less prepared for days on end when you find yourself acting as an intellectual nincompoop. This is normal.

You've already come up with a glimmering of how to sooth your son's manly ambitions that he should have been able to prevent the death. Explain that he was able to say goodbye--and the goodbye counts even if he was a bit inept about it.

Even grownups are inept about making sudden goodbyes.

When people ask what they can do to help, ask them for their understanding, one day at a time. Be prepared for perfectly nice people to say some perfectly awful things--and awful people will be even worse.
Try to forgive them, but if you lose your temper forgive yourself.

Keep your children to their "normal" routine as much as possible. Give them permission to be confused just as you're giving yourself permission to be confused.

Hold your dominion.

Welcome to A2K, Black Tulip.

Noddy has pretty much said what I would have.

I will just add that whatever you are feeling is okay. You can't beat yourself up over the things that you cannot change. Allow yourself to feel the pain and anger, and when joy or a laugh appears, however briefly, allow them as well without guilt.

You are not alone. A million women have experienced this before. They have done so in a million different ways. Your way will be unique. There is no book declaring how you should pull through. I have a sense that you will do so with courage and strength.

Above all, keep talking when you need to.

Black Tulip- Welcome to A2K!

Of course you are confused. You have just been hit by a ton of bricks. Losing a loved one is always difficult. Losing one suddenly is even more confusing.

Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to grieve. Rant and rail if this is your style.

You are not going to die, although there will be times that you may feel that you are close to dying. That too, is natural. Hey, your world has just been turned upside down.

You have your children to think of. They too are going through a deep trauma. It is important now that you help them to express their grief. Even though you may think that you are totally drained emotionally, helping the kids get through this will be strength giving to you. And they need your support right now.

When someone dies, the people left behind characteristically go through this "woulda, coulda, shoulda," sort of scenario. If they only had said this, if they had only done that, goes through most people's minds.

Problem is, that life is not like that. Things happen when you least expect it.

What you have now is your future, and the futures of your kids. Help them to get through this. There is a book, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross that many people have found helpful, when faced with the death of a loved one. It discusses the five stages of grief that we all go through when there is a loss. It may help you to understand that what is happening to you is universal, which may be a comfort:

Link to Kubler Ross

You may want to check around in your area to see if their are any grief support groups. Your house of worship or mental health agency in your area may be helpful in connecting you with such a group.

And you have A2K. We are gratified when we can be helpful to people who are going through the tribulations of life. You are going to be fine. Just take everything one step at a time, and be gentle with yourself.

Book marking this thread -- I'll be back. In the meantime, Black tulip, there are some excellent grief forums on the internet. I highly recommend
griefsjourney.com (just add the www. in front of that).

Black tulip -- welcome to A2K.

Please accept my since condolences for your loss.

There is no right way to get through these days. Your way is the right way for you. Allow yourself to grieve and allow your son to grieve separately -- yet it's important that you are there for each other.

The folks here are warm, welcoming, and will sit with you in whatever ways are helpful. You will pass through many stages of grief, as will your son. There is no timeline. We're here for you through each of those stages for as long as it takes.

Death
Black Tulip - my deepest condolences. I've just gone through this myself, and know the kind of feelings you are having. All of them are normal, and none of them can be totally avoided. What you really have to do is remember that anything that makes you feel guilty is off-limits. (and let me tell you I know very well how difficult this is).

The line between legitimate sorrow and self-pity is a fine one, but you must draw it.

Of course you will think "If only I had said/done...", but you must put those thoughts aside. Save your energy for the sake of your children, and don't waste time on unproductive thinking.

Don't make any major decisions at this point if you can possibly avoid doing so. With the best will in the world, you will have difficulty seeing things in proportion. Time will take care of this.

Keep as busy as you can - and with two young children to care for, I'm sure that won't be a problem.

I would suggest inquiring in your community whether there is free or inexpensive legal help to assist in getting your financial (and otherwise) affairs in order. Do you belong to a church or temple? If so, there may be volunteers in the congregation who are available to guide you through all the complexities of the next few months. If there is a university nearby, with a law school, there may be a program where more advanced students gain experience by helping members of the community with legal problems. Or look in the Yellow Pages for the nearest Legal Aid Society.

You may have to be more pro-active than you think possible at this moment, but your children come first; for their sakes you must start to take steps to sort out your future, and theirs. You have already begun this process by writing to A2K. Phoenix, Noddy, Squinney, and many others have been of incredible help to me, always there when I needed them, good, solid, reliable backup and understanding.

You didn't say whether you have any family to help you through this. Are you alone in this respect?

Keep in touch with this thread, and we will give you all the help we can.

Death


It's often easier to handle things at a remove, so to speak. Sometimes it's hard to unburden yourself face-to-face, especially emotionally.

surreal
Thank you to those of you who replied, I found it helpful. I seem to be in a dream a haze of nightmare. We arranged the cremation last night and it did not seem real. To talk about coffin bearers and the costs - god the costs! You can not die without paying now!

My daughter went back to school yesterday and seems to be just getting on with things. My son is still at home and still sleeping with me. I ate a bit of salad yesterday first bit of food in 4 days but it was hard to eat and I felt sick and didn't want to eat.

I felt all the the things that people have said except pain, my heart feels blank. I don't sleep, I start shaking when I see the amount of paper work or have to do anything. I started smoking heavily - but not in front of or around the children - would never do that.

The children wrote a letter to their Dad and it will be put in the coffin with him. My daughter and son are designing the order of service. I have my sister here who can only stay for a bit as she lives a long way off. But a friend who I didn't know was such a good friend has been a tower of strength and seems to just get on and do things. She is due to go to hospital for an operation, am not sure what I am going to do then!

I want to do things right for my husband's goodbye - God did I say that! I want him back so badly, I just want him back! I don't want to be here doing this!

Black Tulip--

You love him, you miss him and you want to do him honor. This makes good sense.

Tico has lots of good, practical advice.

Remember, you never have to like reality. You just have to work your way around to accepting reality.

Hold your dominion.

Welcome, Black Tulip. There are people here who can give you far better advice than I, but I just wanted to say that I'm reading and that I'm glad you're here.

[/I]How Right you are but life seems so difficult at the moment people say it will get better I am not sure I want it to.

Two people who may be able to help you at this sad time are your Minister/Rabbi and a family lawyer.

You may need a lawyer to get your paper work all in order and even help you to sort out your husbands insurance, retirement funds and other affairs.

I know it's hard to get all the papers in order, but a professional may be the one to turn to in order to get things organized.

If you can't afford a lawyer, many towns have lawyers who can help you without charging a big fee.

I know it's hard to think about, but the sooner you start to get all the paperwork etc finished, the sooner you can hope to regain a normal life.

It's important to get the kids back to a normal routine. Then you can work on your own life.


One other thing, after your husband is cremated, you know you can keep the ashes in your home and
not rush to bury his ashes in the cemmetary. It'll also save you money, as cemmetary plots can be very expensive. Also if you move in the future, you can always take your husbands ashes with you.

Don't rush into things and try to think about the consequences of your actions. If in doubt, wait and think it out.

Best wishes...
Your Friend

I find your last phrase troubling. There is a difference between normal grief, and depression. You have suffered a severe loss, and appear to be having difficulty with dealing with it.

I do not know you, and have no way of knowing the severity of your emotional turmoil. I would suggest though, that if your thoughts are going too often to the idea of no longer living, that it is important for you to get professional help.

A small amount of medication for depression, might very well be what you need to help you cope during this troubling time. If you see a therapist in addition to a psychiatrist (who can prescribe) he/she will help you to sort out the conflicting emotions that you may be going through now.

You are stronger than you think, and you will be able to get through this trying time. Don't be shy about going for help.

Black tulip--



Your grief will always be acute, but you'll get more adept at carrying your burdens.

Phoenix has a good point. If you find yourself staying in bed all day and letting the kids run wild, you've probably reached a state of clinical depression. If this happens you should consider consulting a professional.

Meanwhile you've lost your beloved husband, the father of the children and the man who would have shared your future. You are entitled to numbness, rage, disorientation, fury and confusion.

walking for strength after bereavement
I walked with the children and the dog on the moor it had been snowing. The children said Dad would have loved this and we held each other tight and called out WE LOVE YOU! The wind whipped our voices away. We then had a snowball fight and I knew we were doing the right thing.

The dog was pleased with catching snowballs and it gave us a great release.

To day it is exactly a week ago when my husband died, I can not remember much about the week it seemed to go in a blur. I think I can find the strength to carry on somehow for the children's sake. It is going to be tough!
But I am here for them and I will do my best for them but I miss my husband very much.

Thanks forum for listening

Inner strength comes from so deep inside that we can oftentimes amaze ourselves with what we withstand. I've no doubt you will tap inner sources and make it through each hour and eventually each day. Yes, it's going to be tough and there will be times when you fall back to recoup your energies. There is no one right way to proceed but shouting out on the moors sounds exactly right.

Black tulip--

One of the valuable aspects of instincts is that they work when your conscious mind is paralyzed.

You obviously have some excellent instincts.

Hold your dominion.

Black Tulip ~ what an excellent thing to do, shouting & snowball fights on the moors. Kudos for that!

I read the posts regarding drugs with some dismay, although I have a lot of respect for the posters, because I'm essentially anti-drug. That's my bias, and I may or may not be right in it. But my premise is that you are not sick, you are in grief. It's a whole different thing. This kind of deep grief is a process that you must go through, and I'm so sorry that you do. I have seen new widows opt for the drugs and some, admittedly, have benefitted. But many more have had indifferent or even bad results.

Think twice. It's just one of the many, many decisions that just 2 weeks ago didn't even exist for you. And it comes at a time when the existence of a god seems as perplexing as which socks to put on in the morning. It's unbelievable. But baby steps, small incremental decisions, will take you through it. And, despite what I said about the anti-depressants, I'm a big proponent of professional grief counselling. It depends on you, and to a smaller extent on your friends & family support.



I understand this. It's a feeling that "better" is a betrayal -- of your husband and what happened to him, of your love -- that "better" is a diminution of this cataclysmic thing that happened to you. It's a feeling that will come and go.