Day coming slowly
Well the day is coming slowly - the day we are to wish his him good journey, time for us to say our piece, I have too much to say, too many feelings.
Found my daughter crying in the kitchen this morning, we held each other tight and cried together. She looks so much like my husband.
I had to phone my friends in Boston USA today they were so shocked and saddened. I was able to hold it together. It all feels like a horrible dream!
Well am still carrying on will write soon.
Black Tulip--
Sharing tears with your daughter is good.
First the formalities. Then the long, slow adjustments.
Hold your dominion.
Black Tulip--
Of course you dread the future. You're bereaved, not feeble-minded.
You are faced with monumental change and protecting your children during monumental change when what you really want to do is crawl under the covers and come out when the world is "normal" again--the way it was last year.
Unfortunately....
You are depleted right now and you have the sense to know that. Set small goals for yourself. I imagine the next goal will simply be enduring the formal farewells on Friday.
Remember, you don't have to like reality right now. You just have to accept it.
Hold your dominion.
It is done or is it? Beautiful farewell as I wanted and hope I have done what is right and fitting.
But missing him like there is no tomorrow. I talk to him aloud, but there is no reply, wish there was something.
People expect you to carry on but how can I, My children are brilliant, wish I had there strength.
So many forms so many worries. My rock will be having an op and wish I could be of more help to her but not sure I can, as she needs positivity at the moment and I am not in the right place for that. She has been brilliant and couldn't have wish for someone greater.
My Sister and Brother and been amazing although they do not think so, but they have.
I am off to visit the field where the ashes are to be placed - I hope it is the right place.
So many worries, regrets and wishes unfulfilled
Death
Keep up your courage, Black Tulip. It sounds as thought you are holding your head up and facing your situation frankly. Your concern for your children is your best anchor, and you are to be admired for your clear recognition of that fact.
Quote:My rock will be having an op and wish I could be of more help to her but not sure I can, as she needs positivity at the moment and I am not in the right place for that. She has been brilliant and couldn't have wish for someone greater.
My Sister and Brother and been amazing although they do not think so, but they have.
Thank God you have the rest of your family to sustain you. Your tribute to them here is great.
Death
General comment: I haven't had any notices from A2K lately - accessed this one "manually".
Black Tulip--
I wouldn't worry about being "Positive" for other people--aside from your children. Your children don't need false cheer, just the security of knowing you are there and loving and protecting.
Last week you worried about insanity. Being "positive" and upbeat all the time under your circumstances would be an act of insanity. Right now your mood reflects the new world you're forced to learn--and it is not a cheerful world.
I don't mean that you're entitled to retreat into a bottle or to shut yourself off from all human contact. You have your grief and you have the right to mourn in your own way, at your own pace.
Hold your dominion.
I prefer to think of the funeral as the completion of the formalities and the beginning of the time for true mourning. Be gentle with yourself. Check back here as you need and want. There are many here who will sit with you and offer an ear, or a shoulder, or a bit of advice as you desire. You are not alone.
The week has been going past, it will soon be 3 weeks since his death, how do I feel numb, numb, sometimes upset.
Managed to get the children back to school today. They need normality which I seem to be unable to give. Went to the doctors he has signed me off for 2 weeks and if I need extra he will give it. He also gave me sleeping tablets - just to keep me numb I think!
The sun is shining but it just doesn't touch my heart and soul as I always feel cold.
Thank you to all for replying to my ramblings.
Black Tulip--
You aren't "rambling" any more than a woman trapped in quicksand is "rambling". You're a welcome and cherished member of A2K and you are entitled to vent in any way you choose.
Noddy24 wrote:Black Tulip--
You aren't "rambling" any more than a woman trapped in quicksand is "rambling". You're a welcome and cherished member of A2K and you are entitled to vent in any way you choose.
I know I am cross referencing here but I know you speak to Izzie, she is a great friend and has come through surgery but is in quite a bit of pain. So I think positive thoughts sent her way wouldn't come amiss, thanks.
I am now on second glass of wine and feel have had enough and need to retire.
Thanks for the update, Bt. I'll go post on Izzie's thread.
Sleep well.
Black tulip--
The coyote women will be howling at the moon on the 20th--possibly even starting on the 18th. You're welcome to join us.
Edited to add the link:
http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3098768#3098768
Black Tulip--I just came across this thread and wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss, and to send you a hug. My father-in-law died last year and so I've been seeing my mother-in-law and my husband go through the pain of losing a husband and father. I remember so clearly how dark and horrible and slow those first weeks were; the feeling that it must be a nightmare that you'll wake up from... so much of what you are saying I've heard my m-i-l or my husband say--like that people tell you it will get better but you're not sure you want it to--so please know that all of what you are feeling is normal and natural. My m-i-l struggles all the time with feeling that she is taking it too hard, or not being strong enough somehow...that she's "not doing it right." It's strange how we feel that there must be a right way to grieve... Anyway, hope you are okay today; I'm thinking of you.
Thank-you for your kind words, today seems worse, Mum left to go home so it is just me and the children. I found a tape and started playing it and the words were seemed as if my husband was talking to me.
I just feel so empty and miss him so much, I don't feel anything, I took a sleeping tablet last night and I woke up crying! Maybe try the alcohol tonight!
So many firsts....
The first day with just you and the children is a very large first, probably one of the toughest. And it's probably better that you're numb living through it than not. The body knows somehow that it needs to not feel. Feelings will return in time and it's perfectly ok to wake up in tears. Why wouldn't you? The day will come when hearing a tape of your husband's voice is cathartic. Today was not that day. Keep the tape safe. Listen, or not, as you are able. Today it tore you apart and will probably continue to do so through these many long days and weeks of firsts. There's no correct timetable.
Alcohol is an easy escape but it can also become a hard trap to let go of, particularly when there are sleeping tablets nearby. Be gentle with yourself, Bt.
Black tulip--
I'm glad you've started to cry, but I'm a little troubled that you're leery of your tears.
You've been holding emotions in for a long time. Letting your emotions bleed is not losing control--it is grieving.
Re: Death
Tomkitten wrote:Quote:. I am not sure why I am writing this to people I don't know or what I want.
It's often easier to handle things at a remove, so to speak. Sometimes it's hard to unburden yourself face-to-face, especially emotionally.
When I heard that my husband had killed himself, it was too early to talk to anyone but I found immense solace from my contact with people on A2K. Some of the things they said are still with me 4 years later. It never goes away but I would say my children are stronger and perhaps better people because of having to live through his depression and death.
My heart goes out to you...
Thanks Clary,
Sorry for your loss. It is really difficult, as you know, but.......
A2K is fantastic, lovely people who listen and give advise and listen and make you laugh and listen.
We will get there, will always miss him but have the children, dog and cat, they force you to keep going
