4 years later...

Yes, I guess it's not so much of why he left anymore. My worries are more about my ability to be compatable with someone in the future.
Is my upbringing going to affect my future? I'd like to think that I am very different than my parents, but just because of who my parents are and their parenting skills should not dictate who I am as an individual, should it?

0 Replies

Quote:

Is my upbringing going to affect my future?

I have to run to work in a minute of two - but the answer? Absolutely your upbringing affects your future...and so does everything that's happened since (ie. You will have kept some things, unlearned some things, strengthened some things you learnt, diluted others, etc)

Quote:

I'd like to think that I am very different than my parents,

Without a doubt you are.

Quote:

but just because of who my parents are and their parenting skills should not dictate who I am as an individual, should it?

Correct. That said, you need to realise that your models for how you socially interact in certain circumstances are often based on how your parents interacted. It's possible through life to learn new models, but you need to be aware of the possibility that you have old models carried over from childhood with you.

Really have to go now

0 Replies

I am not a big fan of the "just get over it" school. your ex rattled your cage, it would be a good idea to figure out why you let him do that to you so that you can avoid doing it again. Once is enough, don't you think? You need to gain some confidence that no matter what happens you will be OK, then you can go out in the world an get dirty, have relationships with no fear. What is holding you back? Figure that out and you are home free.

0 Replies

hawkeye10 wrote:

I am not a big fan of the "just get over it" school. your ex rattled your cage, it would be a good idea to figure out why you let him do that to you so that you can avoid doing it again. Once is enough, don't you think? You need to gain some confidence that no matter what happens you will be OK, then you can go out in the world an get dirty, have relationships with no fear. What is holding you back? Figure that out and you are home free.

hawkeye, I like the way you think.

0 Replies

Nods along...

however, everybody has some concern re themselves and relationships, or they should have if they don't. Everybody has old patterns. You are not the lone ranger here, Marty. Your level of present self doubt is right up there on the surface and flagging self esteem concerns. Not that that is unusual either.. but the self esteem is what I'd look to engage.

0 Replies

ossobuco wrote:

Nods along...

however, everybody has some concern re themselves and relationships, or they should have if they don't. Everybody has old patterns. You are not the lone ranger here, Marty. Your level of present self doubt is right up there on the surface and flagging self esteem concerns. Not that that is unusual either.. but the self esteem is what I'd look to engage.

True enough, but when people start talking about "self esteem" I always figure they are talking about banal happy talk. What I am talking about is digging down, realizing what you are made of. Almost everybody is much stronger than they think they are. Once we realize that A) if we take a chance we will eventually fall again, but B) while it will hurt we will be OK, we can stop being paralyzed by our fear.

It is a process, and some people never get there. The important thing is to be moving in the right direction.

0 Replies

I'm not talking banal happy talk. Substitute the words "sense of self" if you don't like "self esteem."

0 Replies

Quote:

Once we realize that A) if we take a chance we will eventually fall again, but B) while it will hurt we will be OK, we can stop being paralyzed by our fear.

I get this. I do feel that some learning came out of this life changing moment. I am so appreciative of the responses here because these are just the things I need to hear and mull over.

0 Replies

Hey Marty,

I just read this entire thread. There's a common theme in most of your posts about how bad you're feeling 'now', 'these days', 'lately', etc. Don't discount the possibility that you're butting heads with some seasonal depression issues. I'm not trying to discount your feelings in any way -- they are very real -- but sometimes we get bogged down by things during the dreary, dark winter that don't normally bog us down. I know you're in the Pac NW and it's darker where you are than where I am. I have a couple folks here who go through periods of being down on themselves every year about now. It's not a excuse to stop a valuable period of introspection but it may be a reason why it's hitting you so hard now.

0 Replies

JPB,

I definitely agree. I started feeling low a few days before Christmas with the anticipation that the kids were going to Tahoe for the anual family get together that I used to be a part of. Now my ex's girlfriend is a part of all these gatherings.

I get down sometimes because I wonder "what's she got that I don't' I mothered his children for pete's sake!" Then I wonder,"Why does he get to move on and have a happy life with someone and I'm still single?"

0 Replies

well....

You may have just answered your own question. We've gone here before but bear with me.

He got to move on with his life as a non-custodial parent with a childless woman who can play whenever he feels like playing. You (to him) represented duty, responsibility, and work at a time in his life when those are not things he valued.

MB wrote:

what's she got that I don't' I mothered his children for pete's sake!"

The second half of your question is the answer, imo, to the first half.

0 Replies

Ohhhhh.

She does have a child though.

0 Replies

martybarker

Are you happy?

0 Replies

Most of the time I feel that I'm happy. Right now I'm pissed, so it's hard to answer that in the moment.

I've just been doing some deep reflecting lately and it gets my head spinning.

0 Replies

Ah indeed. It sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing. Frustrating it can certainly be.

I was watching a tele show called Frasier the other day, and this conversation caught my attention, because of your post:

In a cafe:
Frasier asks for a cup of coffee.
Niles (Frasier's brother) after some conversation says: "Are you happy?"
The waitress brings Frasier's coffee and twice he sends it back, because he forgot to mention this and that.
Several ppl interrupt their conversation one after the other until the end of the show arrives. Niles leaves with someone (without an answer).
Frasier is sitting alone in contemplation when the waitress arrives with his perfect cup of coffee (she delayed taking it to him, because of his constant dissatisfaction). She says: "Now...are you happy?"
After a medium pause Frasier replies: "In the greater scheme of things...yes...yes I am." A gentle smile arrives on his face as he says it.

Good luck martybarker.
Understanding through concentrated thought seems so often to be key.
Persistence may also be integral.

0 Replies

Why is a child naturally happy, and an adult not? Would it be true to say that happiness is a childs natural state? Is it a possibility that as we get older, we find ways not to be happy?

When am I the most happy? What are my worries when I am the most happy? What are my cares? What are my thoughts on...and not on?

0 Replies

4 years later...

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know