4 years later...

May I ask what you see when you look inside yourself?

I don't mean what you see as a result of what has happened (ie after the event), nor am I not asking you to look at 'what inside you' caused things to happen (before during the events)...I mean, when you look inside yourself, just as you are, without having to consider the trials of this world...who do you see that is you?

Eg : Are you a person who : Loves having people around, stands up for their friends, is loyal, lends a hand, smiles at the smallest things, sings for no reason...etc etc

Who is the person that is you?

...........................................
If you are able to answer that for yourself, next I would ask - What are you hopes?

Eg : Do you hope for : Financial independence, high self esteem, meeting new friends, being treated with respect, being a better communicator, learning lots about <insert>, achieving a <goal>, having your loved ones give and return love to you, seeing a smile etc etc etc

Knowing your hopes does a few things : it gives you a path to travel, it lets you know your expectations of others and yourself, it gives you something to look forward to, and it gives you something to achieve.

...it also lets you see how broken hopes have affected your life, and enables you to do something about such, and form a direction.

..........................................

Lastly I would ask : Do you understand that your opinions, values, needs etc are equally as important as anyone elses opinions, values, needs etc, and visa versa?

(very few people truly understand this. It's heard, but rarely understood...think on it - it means there is no need to get angry at others differing views, it means you know your views are worthwhile even while you're being attacked, it means that even when you and another have conflicting needs you understand that both your needs AND the others are on the table, it means fights are fair and considered, and it means many, many things...but mostly that both you, and the other person, are unarguably valuable)

................................
PS. Ossobuco, thank you for the compliment.

Hey MartyBarker

You say you want to be fully happy. So I asked myself what is happiness?
I'm thinking that you are seeing a mirage. I think many see this mirage. This idea of happiness. This idea that a person can actually...well...
be happy as in 'be happy'.
Happiness is not a constant state of mind. One feels happy, ...in the moments.
No one can be overall happy/happy in general/fully happy.
Happy is not something someone can be. Somewhere along the way you got the notion that happy is something that one can be. Happiness is within all the little moments of life.
Happy is an adjective that describes how a person feels in a certain moment. Happiness happens in moments man. Its like...not a way of being...its something that comes when it comes you know.

"Don't worry, be happy"- He's not singin to 'be happy' as in like always. Hes saying like 'dont let your worries bring you down man, go ahead feel the happiness you know'

Listen to Bobby McFerrin's song "Don't Worry, Be Happy".
You will be happy when you hear it :wink:

I hear what everyone is saying. I'm just a little stuck right now,(boy, you should have seen me over the holidays) It's not that I view myself as an unhappy person. I just feel that I met my husband young and now that I'm single, I want to be doing a lot of things, including dating. I'm not looking for "the one" I just want to be out there enjoying life and hoping that a Mr Right Now will eventually turn into a Mr Right.

Your ex is correct that your parents are to blame for a lot of who you are. If we grew up in a family that had any semblance of family ties we were all to a great extent molded by our parents. This is not always in the way normally thought of, as in we take on their teachings and characteristics, often we are molded by our rejection of everything our parents stand for.

Turn the coin: your parents are partly responsible for all that is good about you.

You are looking at the negative side because you feel that your ex rejected you. However, that is not what happened. A marriage is a teamwork between two people, as working together the meet each others needs and to overcome the problems that life throws our way. When he chose to be non communicative and closed off he was choosing not to participate in the marriage, he was rejecting the marriage. He was depriving you of the opportunity to meet his needs. He rejected the marriage long before he took his final walk out the door. He has you convinced that you are the reason that he rejected the marriage when in fact who you are had nothing to do with him choosing not to engage. He did that all on his own, and his parents are almost certainly to blame for that, so this guy is the pot calling the kettle black.

Marty--

Recovery is a spiral.

Come howl in the Dark of the Moon on February 3. I have a lot of mental trash that I'm tired of giving time and energy to and I intend to howl and houseclean, putting it all out for the celestial garbage man.

You can't make your Ex less of a selfish jackass, but you don't have to carry your unhappy memories in the front of your mind, either.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if once you're through this bleak patch you don't start sending off Come Hither Vibes. The world is full of men who are ready for a new start in springtime.

Hold your dominion.

Edit: To correct the date of the Dark of the Moon.

Yes, the man will come when you are ready. I believe it 100%.

You haven't been ready yet. You will be soon.

To me, this stuff you are talking about and mulling over - the fact that you are talking about it as you are, and getting sick enough of it to be so bothered by it, this is a good sign.

At least, in my own life, I've noticed a pattern that perhaps I am reading into your life now.
It's that after a lot of soul searching, new experiences, and feeling oneself again after a hard hit (such as the loss of your marriage) - the dust eventually settles and the REAL bit of dirt driving all this progress finally gets a chance to come to the surface.
And that causes a big old funk...and then...one day it finally gets spit out and you will be done with it!

And you know it when it happens, cause nothing you do no matter how good can seem to get the "bit of dirt" off your mind.

Your ex isn't the thing. He planted this idea that stuck (that was probably there in some form before) of Marty being "not good enough".

You are in the process of shedding it, dispelling it for once. You have the evidence it isn't true - but this is the soul work cellular level thing going on now. Not just in the brain and day to day.

Nothing to do now except Relax and let it Be. Let it Out.

I'll be howling at the moon Feb 4th now that I know about it. Weird, it seems instinctual to feel this way this time of year anyways.
Nature is very smart, it is spring cleaning!!

Marty - You are getting excellent advice, knowledge and feedback. I hope you are trying whatever seems to "fit" for you.

If all else fails...

Next time he pulls up to get the kids, open the blinds and stand in the window as they walk to the car and load their things saying calmly and with a smile on your face "That's right. Don't even think about coming to the door like a proper person to pick up your kids. Just wait out there like the coward you are, afraid to face me cause your parents raised a friggin coward with no morals and no sense of right and wrong. Uh-huh. Now get in your car and drive away you self centered jerk. I've got better things to do than think about you. I'm having a much better life now. Thank you for leaving."

Then calmly walk over to kitchen and fix yourself a nice cup of tea to enjoy with your warm bath and a book.

Don't know if it'll work, but it may be fun to try. And, eventually you can take out the explitives and just say "Now get in your car and drive away. I've got better things to do than think about you. I'm having a much better life now. Thank you for leaving."

Yes, I agree that each individual who has reponded here has given me some great advice. This is good, I'm getting this out of my head and I'm getting the feedback to help me do that.
I'm getting a little impatient though. I do feel that I'm ready to be dating and to put this whole rejection behind me. It's been 4 years for cripes sake!

Now about the part of how I was raised. My dad was an ass and my mother passive-aggressive. I can't imagine that I am a combination of the two

You are almost ready Marty....

Beware, boys of the great NW... :wink:

RH

Boys????? I want a MAN!!!

Marty, A real man still has a boy inside.... :wink:

Every man is just a boy in a bigger body.

Of course our preference in toys and games change as we get older...

Marty--

I'm with you. "Boyish" you don't need. You can use A Man.

So I realize that I'm probably over-analyzing this. But if it was a situation of incompatability, why did I not see us that way. Obviously my ex saw things a lot differently than I did. So my fear is that I'm the uncompatable one.
Does my thought process make any sense?

You and your ex were not participating in the same reality, he had his view of what the marriage was, and you had yours. Because you did not communicate this was allowed to continue until he got so unhappy that he left, you never were forced to agree on one vision of what the marriage was. You don't know if you two could have been compatible, you never went through the process of communication and negotiation that was needed to find out.

It is totally possible for one of the members of the couple to be fully the cause of the lack of communication. You will need to decide if you did enough to foster communication, but it sure sounds like it was his fault.

Intimacy is the participation in each others internal reality, our inner world. With out communication and caring this is impossible to carry out. If he checked out of the marriage.......

Marty--

Your Ex turned into a picky person, probably blaming you for his own personal inadequacies.

You are far more tolerant, understanding and accepting than he is--or at least you will be as soon as you can accept the glory of yourself.

Marty,

When my husband left me, I thought I was entitled to an explanation. I never got one. You need to stop dwelling on this or you can't move on. Accept that you are a flawed, but equally wonderful human being.

I'm worried less about the break up than I am about future potential.

Haven't you been saying that your view of yourself (and thereby your future potential) is affected by how & why your past marriage ended?