Interacial Relationships

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I have taken to heart some of the comments on my previous posts. One underlying theory was that I needed to rid myself of severe anger. In an effort to accomplish this I need help. One area I know I need it is when I see a Black woman with a White man, I do a slow burn. I can't figure out why I do this. From the time I was born until I was around 7, I lived in my grandparents home. My aunt also lived there with her white husband. I loved my "Uncle Cliffie". He wasn't my white uncle, he was simply my uncle. Why can't I get over this hump?

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What about when you see a black man with a white woman?

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try it yourself... Once you go white....... well.... you can say you did it.

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The best way to overcome prejudice is to make friends with people who are different than you.

Do you socialize with white people? Are there white people in your church or the organizations you are part of?

I don't know what part of the country you are in, but if you were in the Northeast I would suggest you try Contra Dancing (a social folk dance originating in Europe).

I am sure there are lots of other ideas where you can meet good people who will break your racial stereotypes.

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JPB wrote:

What about when you see a black man with a white woman?

It doesn't bother me at all. I am a Black man if that is relevant.

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I think I knew that somehow, maybe from before...

So, it isn't about inter-racial relationships, it's specifically about black women with white men.

Have you ever been interested in a white woman? Maybe you see black women as possible partners and seeing them with white men is a competition thing or a feeling that you've been bypassed in favor of a white man.

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ebrown_p wrote:

The best way to overcome prejudice is to make friends with people who are different than you.

Do you socialize with white people? Are there white people in your church or the organizations you are part of?

I have never had a problem in social situations. I belong to a few organizations that white people are by far the majority. I went to a predominately white school. (3200 students 60 Black). It is only in this one area I fall short. To complicate matters, I am dating a beautiful Black woman, who is divorced. Her ex is white. Even though it had nothing to do with me, I am having trouble dealing with this. Sooner or later she will pick up on it. I am happy with our decision to delay any intimacies because of religious ideals, however am I just trying to avoid going where "He has been"? Boy!, This self induced soul searching is rough. Thank you all for your help.

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Re: Interacial Relationships

Shawanga wrote:

My aunt also lived there with her white husband. I loved my "Uncle Cliffie."

What did the rest of your family think about "Uncle Cliffie"? Your parents, grandparents, other family members? Did they approve of him, or did they wish that your aunt had found a nice black man to marry?

I ask because it seems like that could be the genesis -- maybe other kinds of pairings didn't come up in your experience, but you internalized a certain kind of disapproval (overt or not) for your aunt and uncle's marriage.

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JPB wrote:

Have you ever been interested in a white woman? Maybe you see black women as possible partners and seeing them with white men is a competition thing or a feeling that you've been bypassed in favor of a white man.

I explored that possibility, but even when I am with a partner, and am "off the market", those feelings well up. To answer your other question, Only in high school. I am not opposed to it, it just hasn't happened.

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Ok, so you're thinking of her as tainted goods because of who her previous partner was or because of religious ideals (that there were previous partners)?

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Shawanga wrote:

JPB wrote:

Have you ever been interested in a white woman? Maybe you see black women as possible partners and seeing them with white men is a competition thing or a feeling that you've been bypassed in favor of a white man.

I explored that possibility, but even when I am with a partner, and am "off the market", those feelings well up. To answer your other question, Only in high school. I am not opposed to it, it just hasn't happened.

Yeah, I meant that in a global term (generically a potential partner, not one specific woman). When those feelings well up, how do they manifest themselves? Who do you get angry at, the man, the woman, or both?

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JPB wrote:

Ok, so you're thinking of her as tainted goods because of who her previous partner was or because of religious ideals (that there were previous partners)?

Because he was White. Neither one of us are virgins. We both have had other relationships, it's just the ones she had with white men that stirs my ire.

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Sorry to come at you from multiple directions, but how does you "off the market" time compared to being in the market? In other words, have been generally been involved in positive relationships or have there been long stretches when you were searching?

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Some generic relationship advice.

You should talk with your girlfriend about your feelings, especially since it sounds like you are serious about the relationship. You certainly want to bring this up before it becomes a problem in your relationship-- and talking about feelings is always a good thing to do and will very likely be appreciated.

Waiting until it becomes an issue on its own is a big mistake.

Talking about these things with her is a good way to show you value the relationship-- and it may even help make it less of a big deal.

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Please dont take my post wrong.. anyone..

But I had to post to say that this kind of thinking is not uncommon.

My husband is white, and we get a lot of stares, eye rolls, under the breath comments and just general rude behavior to us when we are out in public.

When I say something to my friends, most dont believe me and think that I must be " over thinking it' or just too sensitive.

But, sadly, it is verrry common.

I can almost guarantee you that one day out of 3 that we spend in public, we will get at least one 'comment' thrown our way.

Its odd..

( sorry to de-rail )

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I am a paler shade of white and my wife is Latina.

We don't get any stares or comments... except when we speak Spanish.

Que coman mierda!

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Shawanga,

Somewhere within you there is an expectation of/attachment to 'something', and that 'something' is contrary to seeing a black woman and a white man together.

What do you hear yourself thinking just before you become angry (about a black woman with a white man)?

All emotion occurs after we tell ourselves a story - your first step is to find out what story you are telling yourself when you see a black woman and a white man together.

Unfortunately, the 'story' we tell ourselves often happens in the blink of an eye, but for your matter it sounds like it's an ongoing thing.

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These feelings have been "learned"

They need to be "unlearned."

They could stem from childhood, issues with how black women have treated you, or how you hold them in esteem (powerful? vunerable? demeaning or dismissive to you?) how you feel about white men, how you feel about your vs. white men, your own self esteem, etc. etc.

I commend you for recognizing this anger and encourage you to keep exploring how these feelings keep you from being the person you want to be.

Perhaps some counseling with a Black Men's group or counselor would benefit.

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My wife's white. We've talked a lot about the phenomenon that causes her to get most ugly glances from white men and me from black women. And I've admitted to her that I have gotten a twinge or two of resentful feelings from seeing a black woman with a white man. Now being in the marriage I'm in, I know that it isn't a rational reaction, but I know that it is there...

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I think that in certain settings (Europe, on the university campus, for example) interracial relationships are more tolerated than in other areas (inner city, middle class America)

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Interacial Relationships

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