FraCtuReD FLicKs III - SPAM-O-RAMA May 2004

Boogie Nights to Remember

Yet another remake of the Titanic disaster and this time they are making a porn flick in the gymnasium. The ship hits the iceburg and sends the naked participants running up to the Grand Promenade where they encounter the captain played by Burt Reynolds. Everyone decides, what the Hell and an orgy ensues. Everyone goes to Hell where they dine on lobster but as a punishment they have to watch De Caprio in "The Beach" over and over.


"One has to set aside their credulity and take plenty of airsick bags to the multiplex for this one." - Ebert

"I rather liked the repartee of the captain and the ship designer played by Daddy Warbucks. Burt Reynolds never looked hairier." - Roeper

To Sir With Love Field

Michelle Pfeiffer teaches a class for bad British kids while Sidney Poitier attempts to land a plane. Fortunately, their hijinks provide a good alibi as they are later questioned in the JFK assassination investigation.

"Lulu was marvelous as the stewardess. What a set of pipes!" - Obscure One-Hit Wonders Weekly

All the President's Menace to Society

--A documentary about GW's cabinet?


My Fair Lady and the Tramp

--X-rated- Eliza Doolittle does a lot with bowser.


Chariots of the Gods Must be Crazy

--Martians must be insane to want to come to Earth.


The AlaMo' Money

--How much can we get for merchandising rights to Crockett, Bowie and Travis action figures?

You're all so inspired that I'm weeping -- but it's from laughter!

THe Man Who Would Be King Kong


Two British soldiers go to India in search of a their fortune. The native people believe they might be Gods sent to save them and build a gigantic wall to protect them. One of the soldiers (Michael Caine reprising his role) drinks some toxic water from a well and in less than a week he is mutated into a giant ape. How does a giant ape take over a country and declare himself king? You need to ask?

"As a rousing adventure story, it needed more of the Spice Girls singing the theme song on top of the huge wall." - Ebert

"I thought the whole thing was a mess. I mean, they kept eating and eating and eating. :wink: " - Roeper

Babette's Feast of Friends

A perfectly good dinner party is ruined by the antics of Jim Morrison and the Doors (subtitled)

Atanajurat, The Fast Runner Out of Africa

An Inuit wakes up to find that an evil force has sent him to to Africa where it is just too darn hot. The heat rises when he meets Meryl Streep and they fall in love. Streep helps Atanajurat hightail it back to the arctic, where he can be freed of his family curse.

"Okay...now this just made no sense at all, but Streep's Dutch accent was convincing. How a plantation owner falls for a non-white is completely beyond me." -Ebert

Around the Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World in 80 Days on the Hindenburg

Filmed in IMAX 4-1/2 hours Color by that horse in "The Wizard of Oz"

An ex-con, Smiler Grogan has $3.5M stashed in a California park and is involved in a car accident. Those who rescue him are told about the money and decide to hightale it out to the West Coast on the Hindenburg.
It picks up a hell of a tale wind and whisks them past California, past Hawaii, past China and they end up having to stop for provisions by docking onto the Eiffel Tower. But the ship explodes and they all end up in heaven with Spencer Tracy who takes them all to lunch along with Katherine Hepburn. Milton Berle is the waiter and serves them the specialty of the house, Duck Soup, concocted by their famous chef, Groucho Marx.

"I feel asleep during the intermission of this overlong epic." _ -Ebert

"Thumbs Up! Loved the repartee between Spencer and Katherine." - Roeper

A Shot in the Dark Victory
--The story of the National blindfolded shotgun target championships.


She Wore a Yellow Submarine Ribbon
-- The untold story of the Navy's undersea campaign against hostile Apache Warriors.


What Did You Do In the War, Daddy Longlegs?
-- Fred Astaire dances his way through the Nazi Panzer Tank lines, in this light-hearted musical treatment of the Battle of the Bulge.

The Great Waldo Pepper Expectations

Dickens meets the Wright Brothers in this tale of flying and unrequited love.

"The scene where Estella falls while wing-walking is inspired, particularly as her wedding dress acts as a parachute." - In-flight Magazine

The Man Who Would be King of Comedy

--The life and times of Henny Youngman. "Take my life- please!"


The Woman in Green Slime

--A woman discovers to her horror that her blind date is the creature from "Alien", and he enjoys french kissing.


Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Seabiscuit

--Somebody finally tells laughing-stock jockey Red Pollard that the saddle goes on TOP of the horse.


The Tall Blonde Man With One Black Shootist

--African gunslinger has madcap same-sex love affair with Swedish tourist.

All hysterical -- keep it up!

The Adventures of Priscilla, the African Queen of the Desert
Priscilla and her drag queen friends decide to take a boat trip down the Nile and end up running into a gay cruise ship on Lake Victoria. Of course, they don't try and sink it!

"Another madcap but waterlogged extravaganza with one too many beads." - Ebert

"I wanted to leave the theater when the actor portraying Humphrey Bogart told the piano player on the cruise ship, "Play It Again, Sam."
- Roeper

The director of the film retorts to Ebert's criticism, "There are just as many beads as I wanted."

The Jailhouse Rock

Nicholas Cage sings, dances and swivels his hips on Alcatraz.

Singin' in the Rain Man

Dustin Hoffman tap dances his way into K-Mart.

Guess Who's Coming to My Dinner with André

Katherine Hepburn and Wallace Shawn trade inside jokes about the theater.

The Magnificent Seven Dwarves

Seven extras, Munchkins from the set of The Wizard of Oz, liberate Snow White from her evil step-mother (played by Madonna), after a shoot-out with the Queen's minions. Britney Spears as Snow White. Michael Jackson as Prince Charming. X-Rated for adult content.

Rear Window Vertigo

Everyone falls out the window in the end.

Big Big Easy--Set in steamy New Orleans, a corrupt police lieutenant falls for a prosecutor. The twist is that the cop is only 12 years old. Keep away from those fortune-teller machines, lieutenant.

The "Ten" Commandments--Biblical romp with Charleton Heston, Bo Derek, and Dudley Moore. While Heston "plagues" the pharoah, Moore plagues Derek. Julie Andrews sings the title song.

Funny entries, Roberta, and welcome to the fun!

The Empire Strikes Back to the Future

Obi Wan builds a DeLorean and escapes back to our time to use his light saber on George Lucas before he can make any more prequels.

12 Angry Men Monkeys

A juruy deliberates on the hottest day of the year in New York. Bruce Willis, the jury foreman, tries to go back in time to stop the trial, because he can't stand his fellow jurors, who are all simian.

- "I thought Charlton Heston would have played the defendant." - Ebert
- "It's not Planet of the Apes. I know this because Mark Wahlberg isn't in the movie." - Roeper.

Little Women at Play in the Fields of the Lord

The very first time on screen: The tragic, but poignant, true story of the March Sisters, as it has never been told before. Witness the loss of innocence and purity of adolescence as our beloved March Sisters devoutly follow missionaries into the Rain Forest intent on converting heathen savages - and little men - where they are forced to join Kathy Bates in a spectacular nude mambo number much to their embarrassment - but much to the delight of applauding gleeful natives.Witness their downfall as they succumb to the applause.

I was most impressed by the tom-tom expertise of the natives and Jo's ability to mambo. There is no doubt the soundtrack is Oscar material. - Ebert

This movie should definitely have been X-Rated and should be excluded from the Oscar race. However, kathy's performance was outstanding and I am delighted to hear that she will star in the soon to be released Misery, a role for which she is most qualified.
Anon. Critic