FraCtuReD FLicKs III - SPAM-O-RAMA May 2004

How Green Was My Valley of the Dolls

At the turn of the century in a Welsh mining village, a group of outright vixens raise coal-mining sons and hope their youngest will find a better life and sleep with a lot of prostitutes. Gives a new meaning to the movie ratings -- no miners allowed.

"This is an underground movie that is truly underground." - Ebert

"I wish this movie would have stayed buried." - Roeper

Bloody Sunday in the Park With George

A musical painting expedition in Ireland goes horribly wrong when British troops open fire on Mandy Patinkin and Bernadette Peters.

"With all the hand-held camera work, I couldn't tell who was who when the carnage began"

The King Kong and I.

Deborah Kerr, playing an English school teacher, gets kidnapped by a giant orngutan in 19th Century Siam.

You guys are too good. Too funny. I'm splitting my sides.

I'd love to hear what you do with this triple feature:

Rebel Without A Cause East of Eden Raising Cain

Gosh, Raggedy, I'm sure you could take a few minutes and screw up the scenario of those three films to come up with something hilarious. Just be silly and let it all hang out.

Cleopatra Meets the Wolf Man

But hasn't there been enough written about Liz and Richard?

It's moonlight on the barge and Cleo is entertaining Marc Anthony in her bed, the sheer draperies part and we see Marc beginning to grow hair all over his body. Cleo screams and runs from the room with the now wolfen creature chasing her. Cleo screams, "Marc, what big eyes you have!" "The better to eat you, my dear," retorts Marc. Cleo turns and exclaims coyly, "I didn't know you were into oral sex."

"Too long and ponderous to be a really good movie and the entrance into Rome was marred by the MacDonald's you could make out through the archway." - Ebert

The Goodfellas, the Bad and the Ugly

Based on Henry Hill's account of his mafioso days during the civil war. Written by Italians, starring Clint Eastwood as Hill.

"Now this is just a total mess..." -Roeper

Dracula 2001

Monkeys accidentally crack open a monolithic tomb, releasing Dracula, who threatens a space mission by learning to use a supercomputer.

"No comment" -anonymous critic

The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Seabiscuit

A disturbed boy whose father has died plots to do away with the new father by luring him onto a race track.

"A hysterical epic that follow the book closely, examining the chracters like they were amoeba under a microscope. Well, that's because they are mostly amoebas." - Ebert

"This film will not float." - Roeper

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe in Winter

Peter O'Toole goes back in the closet in this medieval Henry II epic only to discover Narnia, where the problems with his wife and children are solved after he completes many quests with overly obvious Christian symbolism.

Written on the Windtalkers


A turgid tale of a family's ugly secret and the stark moment that thrust their private lives upon an innocent American Indian. He desperately is trying to translate their codes but is instead lured in by the slutty sister who tries to convince him he's a closeted homosexual. A bad time is had by all as the wind keeps blowing leaves into the entryway and nobody has the energy to rake them up.

"This film will go down in history as how to throw every stereotype into one film and end up in monaural." - Roger Ebert

"I like this film for its nasty, snobish and boorish attitude towards the rich. I identified immediately with the trashy prostitute." - Roeper

Rebel Without A Cause East of Eden Raising Cain

A heart-wrenching tale of a troubled adolescent who travels to Eden in search of the Mother he has never seen.
Share his pain and embarrassment as Eve appears before him in the all-together confessing that she is his long-lost Mom.
Witness his heartbreak, as Eve explains that his brother Cain, now afflicted with a multiple-personality disorder and obsessed with cross-dressing, has stolen her only fig leaf, and run off to Sodom and Gomorrah for alterations and to attend an orgy or two.
Experience elation and joy as the courageous teen endeavors to bottle oil from the olives in Eve's grove as a cure for the suffering Eve has endured from overexposure to the sun.

A sincerely moralistic soul-stripping epic of Biblical proportions.
Edith Head's costume is Oscar material. -said one critic

I anxiously await the sequel: All About Eve In the Heat of the Night. I hear it's going to bare it all. - said another.

That wasn't so hard -- very funny. Especially the Biblical connection. Is that extra virgin olive oil?

Once Upon a Time in the West Side Story

Dancing cowboys face off against Italians in this spaghetti musical by Leonardo DiCaprio Bernstein.

"Natalie Wood is either Puerto Rican or Italian. I couldn't tell." - Village Voice

Bad Boys Bowling for Columbine

Michael Moore follows two rogue cops around as they try to make a statement for gun control by blowing up everything in sight.

"Maybe it was supposed to be ironic, but frankly, I didn't get it." -Toronto Sun

Once Upon a Time in American Pie (Idea credit: Jespah)

A sweeping epic covering the origins of the Mafia as seen through a lusty teenager's eyes. The teenager never ages throughout the chronicles and Robert De Niro plays an enabling father who constantly seems to get into the act. The final scenes are an enigma wrapped up in an orgy at a beer bust.

"We are asked to set aside all credulity and accept that there were always lusty teenagers and they had more influence on the world than one could imagine." - Ebert

"This is the worst film of the year and one of the worst films I've ever seen except for "Gigli." - Roeper

I think we need to publish a disclaimer here that all these critical comments are for satirical purposes and the critics did not write them.

Finding Nemo Forrester

Sean Connery lends his voice to this animated flick about a poor but talented writer looking to escape the Hood. The lad discovers that a grumpy, elusive clown fish with writer's block might just get him started on a writing career of his own.

"I was so glad when this piece of crap got flushed down the toilet" -Ebert

"Aw, come on, the fish was cute, the CGI was good, I say just take the kids. An enjoyable ride, in my opinion" -Roeper

"Just take the kids? I got in trouble for that one with 'Whale Rider' Roeper....careful now" -Ebert

Holiday Inn of the Seventh Happiness.

Fanciful remake of the original Bing Crosby-Danny Kaye vehicle, but this time starring Jackie Chan and Rae Dawn Chong, with Gene Wilder in the Danny Kaye role. Directed by Kurosawa. Screenplay by Woody Allen. Additional dialogue by Mort Sahl and Lenny Bruce.

<snicker> I love these.

Yes, none of the critical comments were made by the famous people, particularly Pauline Kael, who is at the great screening room in the sky.

Thanks for the credit, LW - lusty teenagers ... golly.

Easy Whale Rider

Maori girl takes to the road on her Harley.

" I just don't see casting Dennis Hopper as the Maori girl." - critic, Philadelphia Bulletin*


* The Bulletin has been defunct for, what, over a decade?

Okay all you lusty oldsters -- this is getting absolutely purple.

Although Dennis could be of that persuasion (PM me privately), I know he'd be highly uncomforable in drag.