"Soylent Spam"
Denizens of a future NY city find a hidden cache of spam, then spread a rumour that it's actually human flesh in order to hoard the entire warehouse contents
Good one -- what did Ebert and Roeper think of that one? (Ugh, green Spam -- reminds me of Dr. Suess).
Golly, I hope they didn't end up as appitizers for the Soylent Spam dinner.
SPAM WARS: Episode IV, A New Beginning
Luke Spamwalker fulfills his destiny by fighting Darth Spammer with a large saber light sword/shish kebob. Yoda makes an appearance, and warns of spam's high cholesterol content.
Ebert: The rocket ships made from Spam cans were really neat, but didn't seem to be aerodynamically stable.
Roeper: Now I'm gonna have nightmares about winged spam cans flying all around my house.
That's really getting into the meat of it...er, there's meat in Spam?
Your comical imagination on hold gang?
Uh...yeah...I guess. I have to confess a shameful secret. I actually like Spam®. Hard to think of negative things about a product I consume from time to time.
Recipe: Slice Spam, coat with beaten egg, roll in breadcrumbs. Pan fry. Great with a side dish of sliced fresh avocadoes.
Well, feign a dislike for it, at least the Internet version.
The Passion of the Spam
Mel Gibson invents new and tasty ways to prepare this product. Unfortunately, most of the recipes involve soaking in buckets of tomato juice and a good third of his audience can't consume this pork product anyway.
Ebert: "I found the suggestion that ketchup be added before serving a bit much."
Roeper: "You have to admit that as a how-to movie, some of the suggestions give one pause for thought."
That's great -- how to crucify Spam. There's a Spam cooking contest in Los Angeles every year so they should be well aware of the different ways to mutilate Spam. (Only kidding, I know you like Spam, except for the penus enlargements on the E mail?)
E-mail spam is a horror of another cholera.
There's got to be a bevy of horror films to satirize:
"The Silence of the Spam"
An elusive killer is on the loose searching down E mail spammers and turning them into drag outfits. He's foiled by FBI agent Clarice Startling who enters his house and becomes suspicious of the open can of Spam on his kitchen counter. After the lights go out she locates the killer by his unmistakable Spam odor and belts him on the head with an unopened can. She then finds the spammer they've been looking for in a pit and shots her.
Ebert: Hannibal Letcher is a brilliantly conceived character who has an insatiable appitite for spammers and serves up Spam with fauva beans and Merlot.
Roeper: I was stunned by the fact that there is no lamb in Spam.
(I never did buy into the nice Chianti).
Spam Free
A lioness is raised from cubhood and then released into the wild, where she dies because she refuses to eat antelope not coated in Spam.
Ebert: I cried when Bambi's mother died.
Roeper: Too much information. And, wrong film. But aside from that, hey, uh, great comments.
I can hear that inspiring theme music resounding in my ear.
Silence of the Spams. Good 'un, LW.
Thanks.
"The Spam Creature from the Black Lagoon"
A motley group of former spammers explore a jungle river and find themselves in lagoon where blocks of Spam keep bobbing up to the surface. The odor overwhelms them one by one so they try to escape but the Spam has made a dam at the opening of the lagoon. They manage to get out by throwing buckets of barbecue sauce overboard, cooking the Spam with a flame thrower and eating it.
Ebert: Just shows you can do some things with Spam to make it palatable.
Roeper: I would put some message rules on this movie and delete it.
This is Spam-o-Rama. A new cinematic technique makes it appear that cans of Spam are flying off the screen and at the viewer at amazing speed.
Ebert: "Now this is a horror film with a capital H."
Roeper: "It's well done. But is it art?"
Help, I'm trapped in an American Spam factory.
