go ahead w/ marriage or not?

Purplejasmine, I don't post here very often, and I'm sure I've posted something similar before. When I see problems like yours, I really want to help someone not have to go through the things I did.

I know exactly where you are. I actually married a man who was manipulative before marriage. He got much worse after we were married and treated me as if I was an object that belonged to him and only him. Ten years and two kids later, he came very close to killing me when I vehemently disagreed with him about something. I finally got smart and left him. I honestly believe I was in love with him, and it was hard making the break, especially because of the children. PLEASE do yourself a big favor and break up with this guy. If you don't, you will have a dismal future, if you have one at all.

People say, "how can you be in love with a man who is so abusive?" I don't know, but it happens. My ex was very much like your fiance. It WILL NOT get better.

Take care of yourself!

PJ - you're first responsibility in your life is to yourself. Your own happiness and your own well being.

My wife and I have been married 28 years. I wouldn't recommend anyone ever marrying unless they are absolutely certain. Take all the time you need to be certain. If your significant other is pressuring you to hurry up, then this ought to be a warning flag.

Don't marry unless you can't imagine doing the dishes without him in your life. Or vacuuming the rug, or changing the oil in the car, or mowing the lawn. More often than not, life is about the mundane things.

I agree with all the other posters who are concerned about your safety. Anyone who would ever think of making the threats you posted he has made is a definite risk of physical violence.

One final thought. If you ever said the words "There is no god but allah and Mohammed is his prophet" and he heard you, then according to Sharia Law you are a Muslim and there is no going back. To someone raised in the USA this might seem foolish and inconsequential, but to a believer in Shariah Law this is no joking matter. Shariah Law has some substantial penalties for apostasy. Please take your physical safety very seriously.

again, thanx to u all!
i appreciate each and every one of insight

so... after much thought, i think im gonna break up w/ him. well something i shouldve done a long long time ago right? lol

i knew i would have to, but i guess i needed to hear it...

im really not looking forward to it though. its definitely gonna be awful.
how can i get myself prepared for more manipulation, threats, yelling and cursing???
humph it gives me a huge headache just to think about it...

Just DO it...................with a bunch of people around you. I have said this before, and I will say it again. Do not be alone with this man in an enclosed space. Do it somewhere where you can run for help if you have to. You might want to meet him in a crowded restaurant, during the day. Seat yourself in a place where you are nearer to the door than he is, and where he can't back you into a corner. Maybe you can have your parents nearby.

At this point, IMO, there is nothing to gain about thinking about the ramifications. It will not be pleasant. But make sure that it is quick, and that you have the upper hand. Do not waver. Be prepared to call the police if he becomes out of control. Do not attempt to counter his manipulations with defensiveness on your part. You want "out", and there is nothing more to be said.

Now that you have made up your mind, it should be a lot less difficult for you. Once you have broken the relationship off, it will feel like a huge weight being pulled off your shoulders. Good luck, and let us know how it turns out.

Purplejasmine--

I'm delighted to hear about your decision.

Of course he's going to be outraged--but he's had so many outrageous fits and demands that you could make no other choice.

Remember, The Policeman is Your Friend. Stalking and threats are against the law. Telephone companies frown on people who use their systems to harass other people. You're entitled to say "No" and mean "No" and have Mr. Purity leave you alone.

Good luck. If you want to vent, we'll be here.

Phoenix and Noddy have good advice. I'd just like to add that if, after you tell him the news, you think he is still a threat to you for any reason, get a restraining order as soon as possible.

I know one day you will look back on this and pat yourself on the back for having the guts to get out of a horrible situation. I am so glad you have made that decision!

Purplejasmine- We havn't heard from you in a couple of days. How is everything going? Are you o.k.?

This is reminding me of someone I dated while I was 16.

I have not read the entire thread, so please forgive me if my comment is a bit off the mark..but-

I was 16 when I met a man named Glenn.
He was 32.
He was charming. He was soooooo nice to me. He was "mature" and at the age of 16 I thought older men were the way to go and that I would be dumb to ignore him and his advances. Besides, in my mind.. if an older man was attracted to me then I must have been worth quite a bit because I was not even able to DRIVE yet.. let alone work, or anything else that could help out a relationship.

We started dating quickly and things moved forward well for about a year.
He was friendly to everyone. Everyone liked him. Everyone wanted to do things for him. Everyone respected him ( now I know it was because they were scared to death of him.. )


Into the second year, he started to change.
Comments were made about my friends. He just did not like them,and it bothered him that I had friends who were ' so young' ( my age.. ) and that my friends were too silly, and immature and could compromise us.
At this time, to support ourselves, he taught me how to sell drugs. In large amounts.
We were dealing probably 11-15lbs of marijuana a day in smaller quantities.. but I wont go into too much detail.

So, with our ""income"" in mind, I stopped talking to my friends because they could get me in trouble.

Now I was alone. And he wanted that.
He wanted to be my center, my world, my everything so that no one would know what was going on between us.

I started making things, painting things.... because I was board.

i was always cleaning, and just staying busy when not working.

Well, comments begun about that too.
Was I doing drugs? Many other people who hung out with us, always brought diffrent drugs around.. so maybe I was buying from them with out telling him?
So he started to check the money, the friends, the pockets, and finally me.
he would throw me out of bed in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping because he thought I was smoking crack, or snorting coke instead of sleeping.
Then he would hold me down and "check my heart rate" to see if he was right.
Well my heart would always be pounding because he scared the hell out of me. After that , he begun waking me up in the middle of the night by shooting a gun over my head. He thought that this was going to make me stop hiding drugs in our bed if I was afraid for my life.


Instead of filling this thread with an even longer story about ME, I want you to understand that abusive people always start out nice.

They will always give you great, reasonable reasons to not do something, or talk to someone .If they dont take time to gain your trust, then they can do nothing with you.
If it even remotely feels like you are being controlled? Pack your bags and run. Yes. easier said then done.
The man above followed me for almost 2 years after I left him. He never talked to me.. he just stalked me in odd ways.

But it can be done.

You. just. have. to . do . it.

And talk to people WHILE you are doing it.

I dont care if you , a few minutes from driving away from him have to stop and get some gas.
TELL THE CLERK what you are doing.

Have to stop at the store? TELL THE CLERK THERE TOO.

make a vocal trail. People do not forget someone who makes a comment about having to run away from someone they feel is unsafe.

Call your parents, friends, .. anyone. TELL them .
Dont be embarassed.
Embarassment can kill you because you will be quiet enough for him to get away with what he wants to do to you .

I wish you the best.

I really do.

Damn, shewolf, the stories you can tell....

hopefully, it helps

yeah, totally!
i didnt trust him at all at the beginning. or it was more like how could i trust someone who i barely knew? u know? still he expected me to trust him impeccably from the start and it still makes him angry that i had some doubts about him in the past.
and over time, i somehow ended up being his puppet and am wondering how the hell i got myself here...

shewolfnm--
when u broke up w/ the guy, whered u start? and howd u do it?
one thing i dont wanna do is to make him insanely mad cuz then who knows what he would do to hurt/humiliate me?

PJ - I can't emphasize enough how much we all worry about your safety when you do break up with this guy. Other posters have given you good advice about doing it in broad daylight in a public place. It might even be a good idea to hire a private security guard for a few hours to go along with you.

purplejasmine - I don't think that there is too much that you can do, if he is as big a nutjob as you describe. What you might try (no guarantees) is tell him that you have thought it over, and believe that he deserves a pure woman, which you can never be, or something like that. In other words, allow him to "save face", even if it means putting yourself down.

Remember, he is only able to humiliate you if you allow him to do it. You know who you are, and his opinion of you is of no consequence.

If I were you I would not spend too much time obsessing about how you are going to break the news to him. Just do it, quickly, and safely. The faster that you can get this behind you, the sooner you can get on with your life.

You deserve someone a whole lot better than him!

Jim- Good idea about the security guard!

Plan to say good bye in a public place--with walls. A park is not the right sort of public place.



Don't pick a secluded corner--get close to the cash register so if Mr. Perfect flips out, the restaurant will want to protect you and their money.

Do you have any friends left who could just happen to be sitting at the next table?

Can you change your phone number? Your cell phone number?

Tell your employers that you are going to start a romantic upheaval and you do not want this guy to interfere with your job.

Under no circumstances get in a car with this guy.

Remember, he can make a spectacle of himself, but he can't humiliate you unless you let him. When a guy is screaming, "Slut, slut, slut," the woman he's screaming at does not look like an out-of-control jackass.

Consider carrying a police whistle for awhile. If he accosts you, blow the whistle and announce to the world that you don't find his company welcome.

Good luck.

Another thing- Your boyfriend needs to know that the relationship is broken permanently. I know of a situation where a man wanted to break off with his fiancee, so she threatened suicide. She would keep calling and harrassing him. He was quite young, his parents were for the marriage, so he wound up marrying her. Nearly twenty miserable years, and three kids later, he finally got up the nerve to divorce her.

so... after taking some time apart, i met up w/ him the other day and told him that i cant do this anymore. and guess what? he doesnt get it!

he said he realized what hed been doing to me was wrong and apologized for it. and now hes saying that he wants us to have one last go and he wont walk away w/o trying out for one last time.

i understand what hes saying, but i have made my mind already and i would only lead him on for nothing if i gave him another chance. i told him that, but still he doesnt get it.

now hes being really sweet to me and kept showering me w/ lots of gifts etc.
is it one of their tactics to keep me off balance??? or is he truly sorry for what hed done to me and the demon wasnt his true self? i dont know who he really is anymore!

at the same time, the way he behaves is freaking me out.
he keeps sending me messages and im really concerned about its length.
way too long! and he repeats basically the same stuff over and over again. and though i told him i needed to think it over, judging from his last msg, i sense that he thinks we are still in an on-going relationship.

what can i do now?
now hes even telling me he can postpone our marriage, which is something he was totally against a few weeks ago and will wait until im ready.
i dont want him to wait around for me cuz i dont think i will ever be ready.
why cant he understand that?

You can either respond strongly that it's over and he needs to stop contacting you or you can ignore his messages and act as if they didn't exist. Or, you can do one, "please leave me alone, I will not respond further" response and then stick to what you say.

I am sorry that I missed your question about HOW I broke up with Glenn.

But, what it came down to was having to have someone else involved.

I finally called my mother after a whole year of not calling her ( because he told me that it was important that I dont leak our 'work' to anyone, especially my mother because she would call the police on me.. )
Anyway, I called her and told her that I needed her in the parking lot of a mall in downtown Albq.

I then took Glenn there telling him that I needed to buy clothes.

When we pulled up ( I was driving) I parked close to my mother, stepped out of the van and said " I dont want to be with you anymore. It is time we broke up"

He did all of the same moves and statements you are describing this guy doing to you right now.

He insisted he was not going to give up with out trying again and that he would "make me see" he isnt a bad guy.

I walked to my mothers car, and we left.

I did not give him the chance to talk to me as you have done.

I did not keep contact with him as it sounds like you are doing.

You can not leave him until you sever all ties or he will continue to make you live up to his demands.

And right now, he demanded that the relationship not end with out another try . So far he is winning . And you said you did not want to do that..
yet it is happening.


Find a way to make it ALL stop.
Then you just have to do it.

And another thing,

He does NOT deserve an explination from you. So stop feeling like you owe him something.

he wants you to feel that way so that you keep coming back to him the way you are doing right now.

You have told him more then once you dont want this relationship...yet.. all he has to do is invite you to either listen to him, or explain to him, and you come running.


Im sorry if I sound rude, I am truly not trying to be.

I think you may just not realize what you are doing by continuing to talk to him.

You may need to change your phone number and dont be afraid to tell other people what is going on.
The more who know , the safer you are and the easier it is to move on.


Good luck.
You can do it.

You say, "It's over."

He says, "I'm not a loser. I'm in control here. I can control you--maybe with carrots, maybe with a stick, but I can control you."

JPB and Shewolf have given you good advice. Actions speak louder than words.