go ahead w/ marriage or not?

dump him.

I think we out to have a dump/hump emoticon.

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purplejasmine- Welcome to A2K!

Looking at your story from my end, the answer is transparently obvious. If this guy is condemning you for what you did in the past, and you are NOT married, can you figure what the scenario will be if the two of you are married?

Also, could you live with someone who is a devout, practicing Muslim? Do you have any idea as to what that involves when you are married? Do you understand the cultural relationship of the wife to the husband amongst devout Muslims?

If I were you, I would run like hell. I cannot see that this could have a happy ending!

Just for the hell of it, Google "Duties of a Muslim Wife", and start reading. Then think about how you fit in with the philosophy.

Purplejasmine--

Welcome to A2K.

Your instincts are right--run.

Aside from your religious differences, this guy is insanely possessive. He wants to own your past--and since he can't change your past he's going to make you miserable for having made choices according to your culture (rather than his culture).

How old are the two of you?

Do you really want to be married to a guy who thinks you're no better than a prostitute? This man is no doubt awarding himself points for "accepting" your past (while subtracting points for his own lustful feelings which you, damned she-devil, arouse in him)?

Run.

Forget that he is a Muslim - instead, look at his family dynamics. What is his mother's role in the home? THAT'S what he will expect of you.

I find his rigidity and absoluteness disturbing.

Have you told him you are not a virgin? Expect REAL trouble from that!!!

You know what to do - I just think you need to hear 50 people tell you.

I predict it will not be easy to break up with him - prepare yourself for lots of manipulation, threats and even stalking. Make travel plans, now.

I don't think it's purely a Muslim thing btw -- a good friend of mine (born Christian) married a devout Muslim man after she had already lived a bit, and they have a very happy marriage (something like 15 years now). It sounds like this guy is using his religion as an excuse to be a jerk (a practice employed by people from many different religions.)

One thing I'm not clear about -- did you convert to Islam for his sake? Were you already Muslim? Are you Muslim at all, now?

purplejasmine - Think of what you are saying. He wants a certain kind of woman. You are not that kind of person. You have had a love life before you met him, and there is nothing you can do to change that.

Why in the world are you apologizing for what you are? Why would you even consider marrying someone who does not accept you as you are?

I agree.

No, don't even think of marrying him. I think you should get out.

Not necessarily bc he is Muslim. But bc he makes you feel so horrid, and keeps doing it. Over and over again. Wearing you down.

There are enough people in the world out there to make your life harder.
Your bf is meant to be one of those who supports you, accepts you, works hard every day to bring happiness into your life.
He should have your feelings at heart.

Are you ashamed of your past? I think that is a distinct possibility. That you haven't had enough time on your own (no big relationship!) to come into your own and process the person you are now.

That you would respond to his hurtful attacks with crying, and he kept going, and then you would plead and beg and act as though you need to defend what you chose in the past:
that isn't good. Isn't good, at all.

You are who you are, and maybe you made mistakes. That is up to you to decide if there are things in your past that need coming to terms with. If there is anything left for you to do to be true to and good to yourself.

It is not the bf's job to police you, or make unreasonable demands, or any of this other crap.

I do think you need to get away from him, then work on building back up your confidence in what you will stand for or not. It was up to you to put him in his place a long time ago and say "You can feel however you want about my past. However, I will NOT stand here and listen to you talk down to me."

Dating into any religion, or even following one yourself, is not the answer to finding real self acceptance and forgiveness.
So if that is something you need (self acceptance and forgiveness) - just realize it is something that must be done yourself.

Once you do that, you will find it much easier to find someone who can accept you for who you are.

take care.

thanx all for the advices so far!

Noddy24--
im 23 and hes 25

SULLYFISH66---
omg!!! yeah, everybody tells me to prepare cuz it would take looooooooong to break up w/ him. and ur absolutely right about him being manipulative!

yeah i told him im not a virgin a long time ago and he seemed to be okay with it. it was when he was still working on a 'player' image. but after a month or so, out of nowhere he completely broke down telling me he couldnt sleep for 4 days in a row, taking anti-depressants etc. and eventually he gave me a letter (which is 6 pages, btw) and thats how i knew he was a virgin.

i know i didnt have to apologize for having been w/ other guys, but seeing him freak out right to my face, i had no choice but to tell him im sorry.
i know i shouldnt have, but i did...

as you can all expect, weve been doing extremely shitty. the last time we were happy together as far as i can remember is... prolly like last june or july?

i havent been able to dump him cuz aside from that specific problem, hes the sweetest/kindest guy ive ever been with. hes treated me like im a princess and no guy has ever treated me in the same way he has!
and hes stood by me all this time. on top of that, he said im the only one hes opened up to. hes been through a lot in his life and knowing how sensitive he really is, i just dont wanna be the one to leave him.
and i also worry if i left him, he would start closing up again and would never open his heart to anyone in the future...

i guess from his side of story, the reasons why he cant just walk away from me is that how much hes gone out of his way for me(in his own words) and guilt for certain things hes done w/ me. and that his feelings for me too.

weve been stuck at a dead end!

if im to break up w/ him, how can i do it w/o getting him angry?
hes threatened me to post pics online or dump me at the bottom of a river.

and i dont trust him when he gets mad cuz obviously he cant control his feelings...

I'm still a little confused...
Are you still thinking of marrying this guy?
Or are you asking for the best way to get yourself out of this relationship?

caribou--

well, i initially wanted to think that yeah we could get through this somehow and still some part of me wanna believe in that.

but my gut feelings are telling me to get the f*** out immediately so... in answer to ur question, i guess both.

Threatened to post pics online or dump you at the bottom of a river?!

Whaaaa....?!

He sounds nuts. What a sweetheart! Threatening to give you the old cement shoe routine.

mushypancakes --

i dont think he meant it by what he said, but he has a tendency to get carried away with his emotions so thats why i think maybe i should be worried about that possibility :/

purplejasmine - And you are even considering marrying him??? I don't think that anyone relishes being rejected, and you have to expect that he will be angry. The point is, that if he cannot control his anger, you need to make sure that you are safe. If you do break up, do it in a place where you can get away quickly, like a public place.

If he threatens you, you may have to get a restraining order. It sounds like you are making yourself the victim of emotional blackmail.

Phoenix32890--

honestly, i dont wanna marry him as of right now. with all the issues weve got, its definitely not the time to marry at least.

but hes telling me otherwise.
i told him i needed time to think it through and itd be a bad idea to go ahead and just get married, but hes kept telling me that hes waited long enough for me and hes not waiting for me any longer.

The negative things you are saying about him, sound like HUGE reasons why you should never marry this guy.

I don't think there could ever be something so good about him,
that it would outweigh the bad things.

No matter how much you care for him, you can't protect him and sacrifice yourself in the process.
You can't be with him just because you're worried what would happen if you left.

(I lived with a very "enclosed" man for eight years. And he wasn't as irrational as the one you are with. Trust me when I say that you being his only window to the world, gets tiring)

You can't save him.

-And his threats to you about what he would do if you left, are telling...
and scary.

Run. get out!

Don't try to be his friend after all this either.

Just get out!

purplejasmine- Fine. So he doesn't have to wait any more. Tell him that as far as you are concerned your relationship is over.

But is that what he is really saying???? Reading between the lines, I sense a sinister threat. Get out.....................please.

Well, I agree with you and the others. It is good sense to be worried of what he will do when you break up with him.

But, even if he doesn't intend to follow through on killing you. You realize that even saying such a thing is not normal and the sort of thing an unbalanced person does, right?

Has he ever frightened you? What other sorts of behaviors are we talking about here?

Besides getting angry, what do you figure he will do if you leave him? Let's go with the worse case scenario.

Seriously, if you are asking yourself "should I marry him or not" the answer is not -- everything else you wrote doesn't even matter.

And also seriously, if the "sweetest/kindest" man you've ever been with threatens to dump you in a river, even if he "doesn't really mean it", you need to treat yourself a little better and realize someone who really loves you would never say things like that even in jest.

...and this is going to be a marriage of equals?

Get out. There are laws against stalking and harassing. If you cooperate with the police, they'd love to protect you.

If this guy is going to throw tantrums and make threats of violence to get his way, perhaps he shouldn't be close to any woman.

You're not responsible for his future behavior. You are responsible for your own survival--physically and emotionally.