go ahead w/ marriage or not?

purplejasmine wrote:

honestly, i dont wanna marry him as of right now. with all the issues weve got, its definitely not the time to marry at least.

but hes telling me otherwise.

i told him i needed time to think it through and itd be a bad idea to go ahead and just get married, but hes kept telling me that hes waited long enough for me and hes not waiting for me any longer.

you have your perfect "out" right here - if he won't wait any longer, then keep him waiting and he'll break up with you.

Just say, "I'm not ready for marriage and we've only been together for a year, and we're both so young. Sorry, I'm not ready yet." And if he has a temper tantrum, say, "I don't think I want to marry someone who is this immature. Sorry, I need to think about it some more" and just keep delaying it until he breaks up with you.

Who cares what he's telling you otherwise? There are two of you there not one, so it's up to both of you. YOU'RE NOT READY and YOU'VE TOLD HIM THAT.

Be very wary of people who don't listen to you.

P.S. I think he really, really wants to have sex!

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Mame--

mmm dont think its the case of he just wants to have sex... if hed wanted to, he couldve had it way before, but hes controlled his urges cuz he doesnt wanna regret it later.

and speaking of which, its something hes put a curfew on.
he said 'when u become someone who i can be proud of', its when it happens. u know, someone very pious who prays 5 times a day or even more and takes care of the house etc.

i got totally brainwashed by having been with him for so long.
hes against everything i used to be/love. all the pretty dresses, alcohol, partying etc. they are all 'inappropriate' and 'indecent' to his eyes.
and now i feel like my whole lifes just a mess and find myself unsure as to what to do in any given situations even like wearing a skirt, boots etc.

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You said it, "brainwashed". If you don't think the way he does, he's not the person for you. What did you fall for about him? Has he changed? If so, how so?

These are questions you have to ask yourself. The advice you've gotten here seems to be consistent. This is what WE think. You're the one in this muddle so it's up to you.

Basically, though, two people have to have enough in common, have respect and trust for one another, mutual admiration and love for it to work. If this isn't the case for you, then it probably won't be a happy marriage.

P.S. You never answered the question someone asked: Did you convert to Islam? If so, do are you a true adherent (follower)? Or did you just do it for his sake?

Please, a year together is nothing in the big scheme of things. Take your time and make sure you are the same at heart or IT WILL NOT WORK. You shouldn't have to be somebody other than yourself. It will wear you out and disappoint you both.

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And he does SO want to have sex, but he wants it within the marriage, hence the pressure to get married.

Don't pull the wool over your own eyes.

He's a living, breathing, young man... of course he wants it!

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yeah, i did take my shahadah, but it was only because i wanted him to forgive me for having been w/ other men before him and see me as someone new. plus, its part of marriage requirements anyway.
yeah, i know it really isnt a good reason to convert.

at one point though, i really wanted to give it a shot at being a muslim, but seeing that hed still kept on talking about my past and judged me based on it, i got completely heartbroken and ever since that, i have stopped even reading about islam.

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purplejasmine wrote:

caribou--

well, i initially wanted to think that yeah we could get through this somehow and still some part of me wanna believe in that.

but my gut feelings are telling me to get the f*** out immediately so... in answer to ur question, i guess both.

I say that you should trust your gut. I also say that from what you have described you shouldn't feel pressured into either marriage or continuing the relationship.

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Quote:

yeah, i did take my shahadah, but it was only because i wanted him to forgive me for having been w/ other men before him and see me as someone new. plus, its part of marriage requirements anyway.
yeah, i know it really isnt a good reason to convert.

So you did not believe in Islam, but took the vows of allegiance to the faith in order to pacify a guy who did not approve of your earlier behavior.

Hey girl, that is no way to have a life with another person. As you have stated, you HAVE been brainwashed. He has worn you down to the point where you literally do know "which end is up. If you marry this guy, you will be worn down even farther, to the point where you won't even know who you are.

I have always believed that it is extremely destructive for someone to convert to a faith that they don't believe in for another person. Your beliefs are an integral part of you. One does not change religions, like one changes shoes. To do so is to deny your very essence.

One more time. GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP, BEFORE THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF YOU.

What you need now is time for you to rediscover yourself, to figure out who you really are, and not be someone else's puppet. It is not going to be easy, but being strong now will ultimately be a life saver. You deserve better than a man who constantly puts you down.

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Purplejasmine--

Has this man gradually detached you from your old friendships? He's showing many signs of being an abusive man.

Has he told you to delete this thread?

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Noddy24 --

yeah, hes told me that i would have to cut all the ties from what he calls 'slutty' friends of mine. in his mind, anybody whos had a sexual relationship outside of a marriage context is a 'slut'.
and hes very strict w/ what i wear. i used to wear dresses and skirts, but i stopped after he got so mad and upset.

hes even trying to detach me from my own family telling me they are f***ed up in their heads and what they are saying is unislamic.

no he hasnt told me to delete this thread. well not yet anyway.
i get so scared when i think what if he finds out???

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Purplejasmine--

Being in love is supposed to enlarge your life, not restrict it.

Check out:

http://www.youareatarget.com/symptomsofabuse.html#Symptoms_of_Abuse_in_a_Partner

This guy is sweet and loving--as long as you are behaving and as long as he is in a good mood.

Have you spent 23 years preparing yourself for a career as the Recipient of Emotional Abuse?

Consider: If the members of A2K had said "You're a foolish girl. This is a great guy and you're lucky he's willing to marry you," would you be worried about him seeing this thread?

Of course not.

Do you deserve to live in a prison of his making?

Of course not.

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Noddy24 wrote:

This guy is sweet and loving--as long as you are behaving and as long as he is in a good mood.

Noddy24 --

yeah, i gotta say ur onto something right there.

i just cant understand how in the world anyone sweet and adoring can be that abusive time to time...
maybe id just been naive? though i was aware of the signs, i wanted to believed in the good part of him. even my parents have told me hes kinda person who would get violent and physically abuse people, but i guess i wanted to believe in what he tells me.

our whole relationship is all about lies and manipulation. we both know that.

dont u all agree w/ me that he would be much better off w/o me and find some virgin to marry? ive told him many times to move on but no... :/
i still care about him a lot and i want the best for him.

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Whoever he finds to marry is his business. As long as it isn't you.

Your caring about him and wanting the best for him... whatever.
-You need to realize that it's more of your brainwashing/conditioning talking.

Sometimes when you don't know what to think, it's good to ask the opinions of the people around you that care the most. And, as you've discovered, asking complete strangers that can see your situation clearer than you can, helps quite a bit too.

The tricky thing is, for you, to actually hear what everyone is saying to you.... instead of listening to one person's agenda or your own confusion.

If the majority is telling you to get away from him, then you need to find the space, away from him, to think about this. You need to understand that you aren't seeing clearly.

(And if your friends and family aren't saying anything, ask them what they think. They may have tried to tell you before, but you weren't listening. Make sure you actually listen!)

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Quote:

i just cant understand how in the world anyone sweet and adoring can be that abusive time to time...

purplejasmine - That type of behavior is part of the whole deal to control you. The man keeps you off balance emotionally.

When people ask me for advice, I usually like to put my two cents in, and then let people figure things out for themselves. In this case, I feel very differently. From what you have said, I believe that you could be in physical danger. It looks like he has reached a point where he is insistent upon marrying you.

Don't wait. Meet him in a public place with other people around, and break off the relationship. Perhps your parents can help you with this. Expect a nasty scene. As I have said before, if you need to get a restraining order against him, do it. You cannot be a friend to this person, and you must cut off all ties immediately.

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Quote:

dont u all agree w/ me that he would be much better off w/o me and find some virgin to marry? ive told him many times to move on but no... :/
i still care about him a lot and i want the best for him.

Personally, I pity any woman who would be foolish enough to marry him. If she is a virgin, I would bet my last buck that he would find something else to criticize.

You care about him a lot because he has manipulated and charmed you. I think that when you have gotten some time and distance away from this relationship, you will begin to see how dysfunctional it really is. You will then be grateful that you weren't masochistic enough to marry him!

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Have you looked at Noddy's link?

Look at this link too
How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

Quote from the above link...
"Does he abuse you verbally - does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you gifts?
If you have answered "yes" to any of the above - stay away! He is an abuser."

Gaslighting

Abusive relationships Tips of All Sorts

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http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/relationships.shtml

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Caribou- You have given some great links.

Quote:

gaslighting
A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent.

Are you aware as to the origin of the term, "Gaslighting"? It refers to a 1944 movie with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In it, Boyer attempts to convince Bergman that she is going insane. One of the things that he does is to lower the gas lights (The movie is set in a time before electricity), and make Bergman think that it is her imagination.

http://imdb.com/title/tt0036855/plotsummary

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Yeah, I read that.
I don't think I've ever seen the movie. I'm going to add it to my list. I love old movies!

Some "gaslighting" behavior is so subtle... while I was reading some of the stuff on those links, I realized that alot of manipulative people use "gaslighting" techniques. And people with lower self esteem are very susceptible to the technique.

Abuse comes in all forms.

And, Jasmine, you're right to be concerned! You have a very trustworthy gut, telling you this isn't right! Listen to it!

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Purplejasmine--

Will this guy find true maritial happiness with a conventional Muslim woman?

Perhaps.

Will a true Muslim woman find happiness with this guy.

Probably not.

He's not a man who can make a woman happy.

Sure, he has times of sweetness, of swarmy romance.

He also has uncontrollable fits of rage; a need to be the only person in his Beloved's world; a need for his Beloved to follow his every whim....

Abusive men are not nice men.

He's not treating you like a slut because you are a slut. He's treating you like a slut because this makes him feel big and strong and important.

Get that? You are not a slut--however much he needs for you to consider yourself one.

His future happiness is not your problem. With you he's always going to have the excuse of your "wicked" past ("wicked by his standards, not yours, not mine, not the Western World's) to treat you as an inferior.

When he finds a new doormat, he'll find a new excuse. Perhaps she isn't well-educated or her second cousin came home drunk or the stockboy in the supermarket smiled at her.

He thinks he deserves a perfect woman--despite his own imperfections.

Get out.

If you want the best for him, suggest that he get some counselling--and then stand back because Perfect Men Don't Need No Counselling and he won't take kindly to the suggestion.

You are not going to ruin his life by leaving him--no matter what he tells you.

Do you really want that sort of control over another human being?

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Well said, Noddy and all.

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go ahead w/ marriage or not?

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