I am married, having an affair! I dont know how to get out

Ok I cant stand this anymore. I gotta say something.
I have been reading about LoveBD's problems and the responses . I really have to laugh because they really have no understand on the complexity of this human condition. Just do this. Just do that. Yeah sure, whatever.

I remember a very devote Christian who was really hard on someone that admitted being unfaithful. She threw many of these kinds of judgments at the person that I am reading in this blog. In her own life she previously divorced her husband for cheating on her and was emotionally lashing out at this person. Interestingly enough the following year this SAME woman who was so harsh on this adulterer confessed to sleeping with a married man she met on the internet. Why? Because she was very lonely. (I was really into the religion thing but no more.) It so easy to judge when you're not in they're shoes. It's like faulting someone for being overweight, because they can be skinny and slinky if they were strong enough right? But when you start putting on the pounds yourself, it isn't so easy to keep it off is it. Still somehow these same people managed to justify that their own fat somehow hangs off their body much better. Yeah right. Until you are faced with the same emotional conditions and life experiences you will probably not understand. Sorry folks but it's time to accept the fact that this Adultery is a part of human nature.

Do you know in 70 to 80 percent of marriages one of the spouses has been unfaithful at least once? 90% of the time they come back for more. Those slim ball men right? No. This day and age women are only 8% behind that statistic. 70% of affairs are not even discovered by their spouse and they last an average of 3 to 4 years. So the next time you go to church look around at all the married couples. In 80% of those couples you see approximately half the men have or will cheat and half the women will too. Most people don't like to accept this data. Why do you want to think there is a very good chance your spouse has or will cheat on you? But when you're in the psychology profession, you know for a fact that it's probably even more than that, and the religiously devoted have no statistical advantage.

One thing most American couples have failed to accept is that we all have needs and they change over time, because people change. This is why people think everything is perfect in their marriage and then later it goes south. As needs change (in both you and your partner) it creates incompatibilities. We can re-align and try to seek common ground, but let's be realistic, one person can't be everything you want them to be. Trying to make someone who they are not only puts stress on them and make them feel inadequate, controlled which degrades their self esteem. I am not saying we shouldn't try to change to meet the needs of our spouse, but realistically a person can only change so much until it starts producing negative benefits to themselves. This is true incompatibility. Because of their mental state, how they function and basically 'who they are now', they just can't deliver and sustain it. They have needs too. The need to be who they are. It is unrealistic to think that one dynamic person, mind, individual will meet all your needs for the rest of your life. It's possible, but very improbable. Most people fail to accept the other for who they are and instead take these incompatibilities personally.

In most cases the adulterer isn't a bad person, and neither is the spouse. If LoveBD is some weak fool then most of us are... And those who don't have this problem consider yourself lucky that you're not in a marriage that is sapping the life out of you... for now. We are all human so like anyone else, if important needs are not met, we will crack. It can happen to anyone, and it's just a matter of how important the need is, and how much time doing without it. So why not just divorce? See it is more complicated than that. Many think of love and relationships one dimensionally, cut and dry, black and white. Yes many have kids that would be devastated by a divorce, but there is also another element. Deep down most adulterers do care for their spouse and don't want to hurt them either. The problem is they just can't continue on without getting their needs met. So which is worse, divorce or affair? We all have different opinions about that because sometimes an affair can help someone find themselves and repair a marriage though extra marital experiences. Yes I am sure you will not agree with that, but it happens. But in any case the primary purpose is an attempt to get your needs met so you can live in stability with your spouse, and honestly half the time it does work... to a point. Because the affair fills the voids that the spouse doesn't or can't fill, the person becomes more balanced, and in turn it improves the relationship, and this can go on for years until the affair ends or it is discovered, and that is where the real mess begins. Yes this is what many have difficulty understanding, you end up loving two people at once, because both combined are meeting your needs. You are now tied to both and it is difficult to let either one go. Unfortunately the affair doesn't last forever either.

I think this is where LoveBD is. She loves her spouse and doesn't want to hurt him, she loves her kids and wants to provide stability, she loves her lover but probably somewhere inside knows it's possible he alone may not be able to meet her needs either. Only 7% off marriages from a love affair last over 4 years. But why does she feel she needs to do something now? Is it really the fear of being caught? That risk has always been there. Is it possibly the relationship with her lover may be waning ? This is a typical scenario. If correct this may be the reason why she feels she needs to make a decision now. Because of the limitations of a descrete relationship, she probably feels she can't put more energy into sustain it unless she spends more time with him. She may feel if she keeps going down this path she will lose her lover and eventually her marriage too.

Advice:
So here is my advice and to anyone else who is in this predicament. LoveBD. If you think your husband would be deeply hurt if you ask for a divorce or had affair then it means he loves you. If he didn't love you, then he wouldn't give a flip, and this all would be easy. If that is the case then just tell him now. So you are doing this to keep the family together for the kids? Till when? Till they grow up and become young adults? And then what…. You are going to leave your husband and take a chance with your lover? So all the years he was working to support his family and being faithful to you (which is a sacrifice), you are just going to dump him? Leaving him to realizing that all those years with you was a waste? That those years with you was a sham? You say he is a good man and a good father. Does he really deserve for those years of his life to be ripped off like this when he could be working on another relationship of his own? And what about your kids? Life isn't over for them after adolescence. They will think like adults and most likely have a harder time accepting what you did to their father. If you are planning to stay with your husband, then start working on your marriage right now. Only tell him about the affair if you think it will help your marriage in the long term. If you planning to go with your lover, then your husband deserves to know right now. If he is a good man you two can figure out a solution that is best for your kids. The point is he has the right to make choices too about his life and future just as you do. Keeping this affair secret and initiating your own plans without him knowing, you are stealing his choices away from him. I wish you all luck.

Wow!!! I agree with everything except you did not respond to the woman who is scared that her husband may be violent. My husband who has had affairs and i forgave him will not understand that i have voids and need this man in my life. I really want my lover but am afraid to tell my husband good bye. I am also my lover may not be able to tell his spouse good bye. My contentment is having both because i feel complete.

Let's see some proof behind these numbers that are being thrown around.

Re: Ok I cant stand this anymore. I gotta say something.


Talk about a laugh and not understanding the complexities of the human condition??? You feel that it's this simple? If your husband or wife doesn't love you then they will gladly give you a divorce when you ask for it? And if they don't then that means they love you? Let's count the reasons why it's not always that simple shall we...
Maybe he doesn't want to pay alimony.
Maybe he doesn't want to be separated from his kids.
Maybe he wants to maintain the illusion of one big happy family for his boss, his neighbors, his family and friends.
Maybe he's just an ornery bastard who doesn't want to give her what she asks for.
People refuse to grant their spouses divorces for lots of reason and none of them have to do with love. Life just isn't that simple much of the time.

Responding to critics.
You can research this yourself if you like. I know there are a lot of people who don't like to accept these facts and unfortunately it is what contributes to the problem, but the numbers are out there. You can look them all up yourself if you like.

If she thinks her husband might get violent then she needs to tell him in front of a counselor and be prepared to sleep somewhere else for a while working out the remaining details over the phone. Of course there will be drama, but that is something she will have to face.

Jespah:

It does make sense doesn't it? If the husband doesn't really care about her, then he will not react so strongly to the truth about their relationship. In fact under such circumstances where there is no emotional attachment it is more likely that a reasonable arrangement can be reached with many of the problems you have listed. If he does care about her.. He will really be hurt, and you can bet there will be drama.... but it doesn't matter, he needs to know and take it like a man.

This comment is interesting: "Maybe he's just an ornery bastard who doesn't want to give her what she asks for."

I believe this is a typical view of many women that really get themselves into trouble. It seems many women think if they don't get what they demand from their husband, the husband is a bastard. I think this is a very self centered view that destroys a relationship. I know women are not as tolerant when men place such demands on them. Women often feel controlled and become resentful.

Women must understand the dynamics of individuals under the stress of modern day living. Most have careers along with their husbands and much of life is a tag team. Women who have affairs fall into this illusion that their lover is different. No they are not. It is the role that is different and that is why your husband can't compete with your lover. The 'lover' is only a luxury. Many women realize this after they have married their lover. They realize after a couple or more years it isn't much different than the marriage they left. This is when the guilt sets in, and the anxiety over the possibility that an affair will occur in this new marriage. Like I said 7% success rate for marrying your lover. Count on it.

Women need to face their true nature...
I encourage you all to read the content below. Especially those who are having affairs so you can understand yourself from a psychological aspect. There is new page being turned in the field of psychology. How we view women's sexual behavior and the impact it has on society. There hasn't been much thorough studies on women's sexual behavior from a psychological point of view, but that is beginning to change and a new perspective is emerging. The article with the link below summarizes much of this new perspective about women's infidelity.

http://womensinfidelity.com/

Heh, you're the one making the proposal re the % of cheaters. The burden's on you to prove it, not on me to do your research for you. And one biased website ain't gonna cut it.

Oh and I wasn't the one who said ornery bastard. That would be the poster after me.

Understanding women's infidelity.
Jespah. You are correct. I have been challenged and the burden of proof is on me. I will be quite busy the next few days but will collect references for you and post them this weekend. Also I apologize about getting the names mixed up. I was writing quite fast as I am now…

The article I provided that you referred to as ?'bias' is based on a book that details on the more thorough studies done on this subject. These finding also fall very much in line with other studies done by sociologists, anthropologies, and biologists. Actually if you think these statistics are hard to take, just dive a little deeper into the research, and you will find the reasons for it, and you may find the reasons even more unsettling.

One of the facts you will find is that the concept of monogamy (one sexual partner for your entire life) is relatively new in our evolutionary history and we are poorly designed for it. This concept has only really been practiced as an absolute moral code for about 2 thousand years, practiced only by a few cultures, and practiced very poorly. The sexual behavior that is quite consistent throughout most of our human history is the concept of ?'primary mate'. This is the mate you establish a long term relationship. This relationship is used for raising children, sharing wealth, and taking care of each other's welfare. Unfortunately men not all the children may be yours. This may make a men feel a bit used but really such a practice helps ensure the survivability of his offspring too. I am not really sure if this dynamic has evolutionary benefits in modern society, but it certainly did in the past. Personally I find it a little disturbing as a male but let me explain the details.

When a female takes on a secondary mate, she is usually very selective on who that person is… and it is almost always someone who has favorable but completely different characteristics then her primary mate. Women who have affairs will commonly compare ?'the person of interest' to their husband as they explore them. They will weigh the strengths and weaknesses of both mates and it is the favorable ?'differences' in her new lover that will sexually excite her the most. In this stage she will also recognize what she does like about her husband that her lover doesn't have, but that will not stop her from having an affair, it will most likely make it more exciting to have both. It really is the diversity, something favorable, something new that peaks a woman's sexual interest. Just look at popular TV shows that women like to watch such as Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, or your typical soap. You will see the same type of behavior.

So how does such sexual behavior in females benefit the primary mate's offspring? Well let me give you an example: A woman has a man with very strong arms as a primary mate. He is really good at fighting off invaders and protecting his family but he is a slow runner, and can't hunt worth ****. So the female becomes attracted to a another man who may not be so developed in the arms but is an excellent hunter with very strong legs (she thinks ?'wow sexy'). Both traits are passed down to her offspring, and as they help each other survive as a family unit, both sets of offspring compliment each other's different traits. You have some offspring that are really good at defending the home and the others that can really bring home the bacon. I would also like to add that there is another advantage to a female's infidelity that ensures the survivability of the primary male's offspring. If the primary male dies, which was common back in the day, the female had more resources (her other mate or mates) to pull from to help her family survive. This behavior has been going on for thousands of years.

Science has revealed that most humans are not designed to be 100% monogamous. Not physically, psychologically, or emotionally. Such a stringent practice is even a disadvantage to ensuring a healthy gene pool because a genetically diverse gene pool is critical in ensuring strong and healthy offspring. There is strong evidence to suggest that women being dissatisfied with their husbands is a natural process to ensure that diversity. Women who have had very few or just one sexual partner before they were married are more likely to grow dissatisfied with their husband later in life. This dissatisfaction translates into perceiving her husband as less sexually desirable, and will eventually lose interest in having sex with him all together (this right here is what causes most men to go astray). This dissatisfaction peaks around age 30 when she is at the peak of her sexual fertility, and it is around this age that she will most likely have an affair or get divorced. Women who have affairs are able to select new preferences in a mate, and while they are in the midst of the affair they commonly find themselves more at ease with their husband again. They may even have a renewed their interest in him, claiming the affair has actually improved her marriage. It really all depends on how she comes to terms with her sexuality and how she deals with the guilt of what she has done.

Here is another example that shows humans are really not designed for strict monogamy. Take a man's sperm for instance... Did you know men your sperm is equipped to fight off a competing males sperm? Evolution designed this for a reason. It is common behavior among cheating women to prefer their lover over their husband just before ovulation. That may not surprise you, but what is surprise is that most cheating women will have a very heightened sexual interest in their husbands just hours after having sex with their lover. Shocking but true. This is why many women will discover an affairs will actually improved sex with their husband. The theory behind this behavior is that women want to conceive with the mate that has the healthiest and strongest sperm to better ensure healthy offspring.

Interviewing men and reading books on the subject shows that men also have interesting behaviors in response to a wife's infidelity. When a man finds out his wife is cheating he is very hurt and angry… but oddly at the same time he is very turned on, and will have a very strong sexual interest in her. All of a sudden the women that you had dull sex with for so many years, and then just ripped out your heart, is now completely hot. Cheating women PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, he may desire you much more now, but it doesn't mean you're forgiven, he is still hurting big time. These feelings are very painful and confusing. Most men have a very difficult time admitting to these feelings, even to themselves, and the conflicting emotions end up being very humiliating, exhilarating, and disorienting at the same time. Their self-esteem is in shambles and they start to doubt if they are really even normal. This is why men probably have a harder time dealing with infidelity more than women do. So all you men out there who have had these feelings don't worry… these feeling are actually very common among men and you are very normal.

The theory why men behave this way is actually 3 fold: 1) men (unconsciously) want to compete with the other males sperm. 2) because they have been challenged and want to ensure they are still the primary mate, and 3) because the thought of another man having sex with her is actually a turn on. That is because as I explained her selective breeding, and having an additional resource if he dies, helps the survivability of his offspring. Such an advantage in natural selection is what drives this sexual programming in men. Sorry guys I know this is a hard one to face, but there is a reason why seeing penetration in pornography turns you on but not as much for a women. Most married men who have watched porn from time to time have at least once thought of their wife as the porn star. Still I don't want to turn this into some twisted erotic story, or diminish the seriousness of infidelity. His pain is very real, and it is all very disturbing to him.

I don't condone infidelity. Certainly not, when discovered it causes a lot of damage. It is my job to understand why it happens and accept the truth for what it is. For centuries men's infidelity has been accepted as normal, but we have completely ignored the other side of it. The female side. I believe women have even more of a genetic disposition to cheat than men. Now I didn't say attitude, I said genetic disposition, meaning most women are not aware of why they do what they do. Women's sexuality has been suppressed for over 2 thousand years, and it is just recently that they have had the power and rights to express themselves freely. I think in 5 - 10 years well all will have a different view of women's sexual behavior, and such knowledge will bring awareness, understanding, and improve the effectiveness of marital counseling. Maybe, just maybe, we will finally be able to understand women.

Sweet girl,
I'm in the same predicament ... are you out? I don't know what to do. I have a great marriage but am exhausted keeping the two relationships going. We both have families we love but need to be with each other so much. I am always being told how strong and inspirational I am... now, with him I am so weak and don't know how to give him up. Any words of wisdom?

I am talking to you from 1st hand experience, but I am the victum of the affair! My husband and I have been married for 13 yrs and 3 boys.
I found out a year and 6 months ago that he was having an affair with a co- worker. My husband left me and my boys. I have been hurt and humilated and angry with him & her. I can stop loving my husband...God knows I wish I could. We have recently been hanging out and trying to work things out but she want leave him alone! He tells me that he loves me but he is inlove with her and he is struggling on how to walk way. He says that he knows that they will never work but he lves her. What is it that she has over him- I don't understand? She promised him when the affair 1st started that she would leave her family and they would be together. Well an 1yr & 6months later she has not left her family and has every excuse on why she can't. He gave it all up and she gave up nothing! Don't make the same mistake!!

Walk away now!! Don't hurt your husband & children! It is no worth it!

You are an idiot. This woman needs help not judgment. You look like a clown and in this case, you are acting like one. Don't read his posts, sweetie. Just ignore this holier than now wanna be. Sheesh, who the hell do some people think they are. Everyone deserves to be happy. don't waste a minute listening to those telling you to suffer.

Sounds like you suffer from a female version of 'nice guy syndrome'.


With the 'nice guy' syndrome, the mother is usually the central figure in the guys childhood/adolescence (with the father being either absent, or in the background). The 'nice guy' had no role model on what it means to be masculine. Maybe your father played the similar/reverse role for you?

Your husband has no respect for you in this regard. You put up with this didn't you? (another symptom)

Another symptom. While it can be viewed as a noble stance - who says that other peoples happiness is more important than your own? (actually, kids fall into a different category, and I don't blame you for 'putting them first', but you also have to find ways at the same time, to meet your own needs, for happiness)

That's because morals have little to do with your needs (without the basic of which, your personal happiness can be severely undermined). Moralities purpose is social cohesion, not personal happiness (though without social cohesion, happiness is more difficult).

CoastalRat, can you not give advice without judging the person?

Possibly the most insensitive, compasionless, hateful thing I have heard on these forums.

The way you use your morals to justify the above? Hypocritical don't you think?

Seriously though - advice and judgement are 2 different things. When my son died and my wife was completely disconnected emotionally and physically - it was VERY HARD. I could have easily fallen to an affair given the right circumstances.
So - I can definately empathise, and at the same time - she knows she did something wrong - she didn;t need your self-righteous, "I hope you get what you deserve." None of us get what we deserve. Thank God for that!

I think what you wrote hits the nail on the head.......that was very well expressed especially the emotions and feelings one experiences when having an affair. That is telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Thank you, it reall opened my eyes.

You are lonly ha ha ha, you are not looking for or building relation ship but just looking for good **** bitch, you should never go with a marriage man bitch.

AS YOU ARE UNFAITFULL WOMAN, GET OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE AND CLEAN YOUR SOUL OTHERVIZE GOD WILL PUNISH YOU AS ALLREADY IS FOR NOT HAVING HONEST FAMILY.

You promote yourself as self righteous and upright, while displaying bitterness and hate, and showing a vast lack of compassion and empathy…I’ve met few uglier people than the man protraited in your posts.

Stop being a self-righteous prick. Each situation is different. This woman has asked for advice and you offer an admonishing lecture. Try to understand that not everyone is as beholden to your views as you may be.

A little late in your name-calling Roger. This thread is three years old.

You are a sorry, selfish, dumb woman with serious self-esteem issues and should seek counseling immediately!