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I am married, having an affair! I dont know how to get out

 
 
suesilva
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Dec, 2007 06:17 pm
Counseling
I never heard of phone counseling either until I met a woman who did it. But it makes total sense these days. And you don't have to feel embarrassed having to talk to someone face to face. I think women who have cheated, at least many, feel so much turmoil, guilt, highs, lows, etc. that many end up needing counseling to get back down to reality because your head is full of "what ifs" and "if onlys." I'm working on a book about wives and part of it is about secrets. I've received a lot of surveys from women who have had affairs and it helps to see how they feel and how they dealt. Kind of like this forum. It's good to know you're not the only one who feels the way you do. Sue [edit: link removed by moderator]
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jake123
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 08:43 am
LoveBD wrote:
...Im making every effort to move forward. I would like to try counseling. I live in a small town and am not sure how to find a reputable one in the bigger town over. I know that Im dealing with a lot of issues here that go far beyond my marriage. Im taking a huge look at my marriage by the way. And as far as if my husband is unloving/........Hmmmm, lets just say no. I could go on but that would only make me a bigger dumb ass for staying.


My family found our counseling through our regular doctor. I don't know if you have any kind of Employee Assistance Program available to you or anything, but that can be a resource as well.

You can also just try out a counselor that is covered by your insurance (assuming you have insurance) and if you don't feel the first counselor is a good match for you, it's your right to try someone else.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 10:59 am
Well, I havent talked to myiex for some time and it has been very hard. He hasnt driven by my work which is really better for me because I havent had to run into him. I am missing him. I am doing my best to deal with it all. I havent called him, nor am I going to. I fear that he will try to contact me again and I dont want to be weak anymore towards him. It's funny, some days, I dont give a crap if I ever see him again and then there are days that I miss him so much I cant stand it. I guess Im just having a really hard time, especially yesterday. It hit me all at once when I was cooking, by myself as usual in my house and it hit me. It hit me that I all the memories of past Christmas times and how much I miss my family. I looked to my husband for any kind of something and of course, he was asleep. When he finally woke up, he was gone. I know Im babbling, just irritated, irritated with the whole frickin life that Im in right now.
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 11:23 am
You've got to change things for yourself, girlfriend. Only you can do that. And I am certain that you will.

I know that you've probably addressed this already but, do you wish to remain in your marriage?
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Butrflynet
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 11:58 am
You say you don't want to harm the lives of two families by continuing your affair.

You also say that the life you have with your husband is harming you.

When will your life be important enough to you to make the choices and changes you know are needed to stop all that harm?
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 12:07 pm
That's it!! You just hit it on the head Butrflynet.
I second the question.
LoveBD, when are you going to be important enough for out-in-the-open happiness and not bits and pieces that you have to sneak around and cheat to get?
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 12:39 pm
I dont know, maybe that is where Im at. I dont think of myself as "un-worthy" or beaten down, I am just not sure how to fix this. When I talk to my husband about it, his solution is simple "well, if you're not happy, do what you gotta do, you can leave" I wish it was so simple. He is not willing to do the work it takes. I am tired of doing the work that it takes. We have seen a marriage counselor before and my husband basically thought the counselor was full of it. Only because he told him that he was going to have to make some changes. I feel my options are this...."stay, suck it up and try to make the most of my life, which is what I have done." or "leave and hurt my kids tremendously, hurt his parents, shock all these people in town and potentially hurt my business in the process?" How are these options even bareable? I am important enough to be happy but I dont know what it takes to be happy! I dont know.
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 01:03 pm
You are willing to sacrifice your life's happiness for business and reputation? I think you deserve better than that.
As far as your kids being hurt? Well, kids have the craziest way of getting over things. They will survive, I'm almost sure of it, and move passed it eventually to focus on their own lives.
Don't waste time playing the martyr. Life's too short.
Do you mind me asking, how old are you? Approximately?
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 01:04 pm
I've said this many times before. If what you have is a marriage of convenience and everyone involved is on the same page then keep on doing what you're doing. The problem in your scenario is that you're stuck in a marriage of convenience and you've gotten involved with a married man. Find someone single and I have no concerns with the choices you've made, or the reasons you've made them.

There may come a time when the marriage of convenience is no longer necessary, but if you feel that it is for now, just don't bring someone else's partner into your situation.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 03:01 pm
I am 35. I am not involving anyone else any longer, for the record. Not a married someone and not a single someone. It was a mistake and I am trying to move past this. I would not say that I have a marriage of convenience. It is more like a marriage of immense lack of communication. I cant figure out where to start. I am wondering if things are just too far gone to fix them.
As far as my business goes, yes, it is important to me. It is what is taking care of my bills right now. For the first time in my life, I am doing ok financially. I have worked my tail off to get where I am and I am not going to lose all of that now. If you knew where I came from, I think you would be just as stead fast in keeping my business thriving. Its my livelyhood, and my children's as well.
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 04:26 pm
Well, all I'll say is 35 is much too young to settle for a life of unhappiness. You're probably not even halfway done yet.
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kerben
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 04:39 pm
LoveBD,

Wow, I have been reading the history of the postings on this site, and my goodness, there has been a lot of cheating spouses, and I include myself in group.

Thanks for posting your story; it has made my situation (which is very similar to yours) a little more bearable.

It's will be 3 months next week since I last saw my ex-lover. Whoohoo!! Everyday is a struggle not to call, text, or email him. I think of him every moment of everyday. It is difficult for me because I really care for this other person and know in my heart that if things were different, we would be together.

But, things are not different. I am still married to a man, and to the best of my knowledge, one who has kept his vows. Currently, I (we) are not happy in the marriage (I'll post on my own thread about the horrendous fight we had last night), but I've decided that it is too soon to throw in the towel.

I have made the decision to stay put and give the marriage some more time to right itself. As time goes by, and if I still feel this sad, then I will leave. But I think that for the two of us, if we really want to be with our ex-lovers, we need try to fix the marriage first; to give it 100% effort. If the marriage fails, then we can leave with our heads held high.

I know exactly what you are going through. It is pure hell, this emotional roller coaster. I started the affair because I was lonely. But through my actions, I have deeply hurt my husband, our marriage, my soul, and have destroyed my ex-lover. I pray every day that one day, all things will be good again.

Take care of yourself.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2007 04:59 pm
Thank you kerben,
I do appreciate your words of encouragement and I will continue to be strong. I know it seems nearly impossible, but there isnt a lot of friction in our home. My husband and I joke around a lot because we both sort of have humorous personalities. We both spend time with our kids doing homework and reading to them. We are not ugly to each other, if and when we see each other, we are nice, courteous and really it sort of flows that way. Our deep issues are mostly older, some that I cannot seem to get past. As of lately, (past year) I have been working LONG hours, which my children are with me all the time. He has been in school and working full time still. We do not see each other much so our children have come to think that is just how we live. I do a lot with my kids by myself (trips, movies, dates, all that). I am not saying that my husband is unhappy. He is probably really pissed that he cant look at porn without looking over his shoulder anymore! No, really, he is unhappy Im sure because he knows I quit trying. I asked him once, "arent you the least bit concerned that I have pulled away?" His response was this "I belive that there isnt a perfect relationship and you have to make the best of what you are given. There isnt going to be this fabulous romance all the time, nor is it going to be roses all the time so just try to get by." Getting by has been all we've done, and I guess Im tired of just getting by. I am seriously evaluating where I am at and whether or not I need to leave or really try to see if he would go to another counselor or if I just need to go. Like I said, it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to see a counselor right now. This is my busiest season at work and I just got some major accounts that I have to really cater to. I have really tried to focus on those things and trying to heal myself I guess. This thread has been an incredible outlet for me. This is the only thing that keeps me from reaching out to my ex, I come here instead. Pathetic huh? Well, it's all I got right now. I have talked to my close girlfriends that know the deal and they get it but they know that its not right. Anyway, I am trying to figure out what is the plan for me, even if it involves pain, I need to make a plan and stick to it.
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Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2008 03:20 pm
Just to say....I think you are a very strong person - I can hear you talking and I can understand your emotions and relate to your pain.

I wish I were as strong as you are... my situation is very different to yours - but pain is pain...

Keep going and with all the advice you are getting, and with other threads too, sift out the "good advice" from the "not so helpful" advice - I hope you can stay strong girlie.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jan, 2008 12:35 pm
Izzie,
Why do you assume that you are not strong. I think it takes a lot to come here to begin with because its a step in the right direction, you're doing just that, looking for direction. I dont know your story but if you feel any bit of pain, I feel for you. I appreciate your comments. Hang tough girl! Let me know if I can be an ear too.
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Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jan, 2008 05:31 pm
Thanku LoveBD

Strength comes from within.

My "within" is lost - so my strength is nowhere.

Stay true to you LoveBD and hold onto your strength.

Take very good care.
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P3
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jan, 2008 10:10 am
Hi. I feel it is very hard to judge on anyones situlation, as everyone is different. I also have had an affair. I have the most wonderful husband and would never leave him but i am trying to do the best thing and move on now. It is very hard when you are so attracted to someone else. I wish i could give you advice on how to make things easier but i cant as i am still trying to work that out myself. All i can say is that there are other people out there that are in the same situation, we all want to just to talk to people about it but cant take the risk. I wish you all the luck in working things out.
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GD1
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 11:21 am
MARRIED AND HAVING AN AFFAIR
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS MY HUSBAND IS VERY CONTROLLING AND HAS BEEN. BECAUSE HE IS 11 YEARS MY JUNIOR I DIDN'T SEE IT AS SUCH WHEN I MET HIM AT ONLY 21 YOA. HE WAS MY SAVIOR. 17 YRS. LATER HE IS A BIG MOUTH RUDE AND CONTROLLING HUSBAND AND FATHER. I DIDN'T LET IT BOTHER ME UNTIL I WAS OUT OF TOWN THREATENING A HEART ATTACK IN THE HOSPITAL AND HE CALLED MY ROOM AND CURSED AND FUSSED AT ME FOR 20 MIN. THE DOCTOR TOLD ME IF I WANTED TO LIVE AND RAISE MY KIDS I HAD TO FIND PEACE. PEACE IS NOT DIVORCE BECAUSE MY KIDS WOULD BE UNHAPPY NOT BEING WITH BOTH OF US. BUT....I FOUND HAPPINESS IN MY MARRIED LOVER WHO IS ALSO IN A UNHAPPY MARRIAGE. WE BOTH UNDERSTAND THE RISKS, THE WRONGS, AND ALL BUT I WANT TO LIVE HAPPY RATHER THAN DIE SAD!!!!
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 11:39 am
GDI- Welcome to A2K!

Please do not write in all capitals. In "netiquette" it is considered shouting, and extremely impolite.

Your husband can't be THAT controlling if you have an affair right under his nose, and he is blithely uaware of it. I would suspect that once he catches on, what ever grief you have with him now, will be compounded.

Kids are never happy living with two parents who are as miserable as you say that you are. They are far better off with one parent who makes a peaceful life for them.

Why doesn't your married lover leave his wife, and marry you? Perhaps he likes the situation just the way that it is now.
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GD1
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 11:51 am
I have asked my husband for a divorce because he has had numerous affairs. I have expressed to him i am unhappy with his ways. He has told me over and over again his job is a provider and i should only judge him based on his providing for the family financially. I admit this is the only reason i stay he issues me money like an allowance and has put me out of the business i created with him. His motto is that i should take care of the kids and home and he has to work and get an outlet to keep up our lifestyle. My married friend has kids younger than mine and is in his second marriage. He has expressed to me his only fear is being able to provide me and my kids with the lifestyle i have. I feel if my husband would give me a divorce and the child support I could make it and my lover would do his part. My husband said before he does that he would sale the business. I am also his second wife and I witnessed the sales of businesses by him to prevent giving her anything.
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