Not sure who you're calling holier than thou, jake, but I think for the most part people here try to be helpful. I agree with you that LoveBD could benefit from some counseling and it surprises me that we're three pages in before someone mentioned it.
There are advantages and disadvantages to coming to an internet site with a personal dilemma. One advantage is that you get feedback from multiple people with multiple perspectives. A disadvantage is that the threads are equally open to those who want to judge and mock as those who want to offer advice. It takes pretty thick skin to open oneself up to ignore the judgments and mocking in order to hear the rest, but such is the nature of the beast.
Just a knee-jerk reaction to some of what Hepabluh53 said. In fact, I was being quick to judge Hepabluh.
Hepabluh brought forth some very good questions:
Is your husband really unloving?
Have you really made any serious effort to make your marriage better?
Are you really unable to resist the lover?
These are questions that LoveBD needs to ask herself.
I just felt she could do without statements like:
Sounds like you are simply trying to rationalize immature and selfish behavior on your part.
You have decided that your pleasure is more important and worth the pain to others.
What I'm seeing is LoveBD coming here to try and start healing the damage and pain. Not to rationalize anything.
In my own personal experience, counseling and therapy are working for me to start healing myself and perhaps my marriage. Since that has started, most of the people here have been very supportive.
There are just some people who come off as very black and white here, throwing their opinions around without acknowledging the swirling grays that some people get caught up in.
I don't know if I'm expressing things quite right. It just seems that if someone wants to help, it might be better to say, "In my opinion, what you're doing is wrong, but here is what I think will help you do the right thing.", rather than, "You're a selfish, immature jerk with no consideration for others."
And that's my
Again, in my own situation, I was lead to start asking myself the kinds of questions that Hep brought up. That was largely through the many posts that you and others made in my thread. But I had to weed through a lot of harshness to get to that.
But, like you said:
...such is the nature of the beast.