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I am married, having an affair! I dont know how to get out

 
 
LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Dec, 2007 05:42 pm
I tell you, Im really struggling. I saw my lover on Friday. I was at my Christmas party with my employees. We went to dinner and then went to a bar for drinks after. While at the bar, in "he" walks. He was with his buddies. No one knows about the affair from my group, nor his. We are glancing at each other all night. Our group is ready to leave. I go to leave in my own car. As Im pulling out, he stops me. He asks where I have been and where Im going. I told him "home". He said "We have to talk." So, like an idiot, I gave in and talked to him. I wanted to say so much and for some reason, I didnt. I just listened. It was tough to see him because he looked so fantastic. I did see him in a different light and was disappointed in what I saw. I dont want to love him or need him anymore. I really am wondering why the hell i have formed a pattern of loving men that really dont give a **** about me. I have a great upbringing with a father that loves me immensely so I dont think I have any "daddy" issues. I just cannot figure out why I choose men that are emotionally unavailable. It's baffling. Im torturing myself and if I were my best girlfriend I would have a fountain of advice to give myself but I cannot seem to do what I tell myself. Im aggrivated with myself that I talked to him because I felt that I pushed myself further back in the whole healing process. This sucks, I wish I never began the damn affair to begin with .
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martybarker
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Dec, 2007 05:45 pm
Hang in there, maybe you can look back on this as one of those phases we go through in life. But remember to look back on it, not forward.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Dec, 2007 07:08 am
LoveBD--

Yes, you agreed to his request for "a talk".

Also, yes, you noticed that out of the bedroom your lover is severely flawed.

The evening was not totally wasted.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Dec, 2007 05:47 pm
Im tired of feeling crappy about this. Im getting over it, it really sucks where I am at with this. I want to be done with him. I want to just be done with the whole ordeal. Im angry today, not sure why, just angry at myself mainly because I let myself get here. Im burnt!
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Dec, 2007 10:32 am
LoveBD--


Unfortunately, getting out of a mess is usually not as easy or as much fun as getting into the mess.

Still, boredom is a good remedy for illicit love.

Hang on to your good intentions.
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Dec, 2007 11:09 am
And stop referring to him as your 'lover'. He's your EX-lover. Put him in the past tense.
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Hepabluh53
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Dec, 2007 09:58 pm
LoveBD, if this is a serious post here's my opinion. You are trying to portray yourself as a victim of an unloving husband and a lover with whom you have no control over your actions. Sounds like you are simply trying to rationalize immature and selfish behavior on your part. Is your husband really unloving? Have you really made any serious effort to make your marriage better? Are you really unable to resist the lover? Or are you just trying to justify selfishness. The only thing we know(assuming your story is real) is that you are willingly engaged in a sexual affair outside your marriage to satisfy your desires without much consideration of the suffering you will cause your husband, the other wife and any children involved. You have decided that your pleasure is more important and worth the pain to others. My advice is quit thinking only of yourself and learn to have compassion and respect for other people, then it won't be so easy to rationalize doing this in the future.
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jake123
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Dec, 2007 09:05 am
I just kind of scanned through the posts and I hadn't seen anyone suggest counselling. I could be wrong because I just did a quick scroll-through.

So, I am suggesting it. Get counseling for yourself. Work on becoming a strong "you".

My affair led to my wife and I both seeking counseling. We both are looking seriously at our marriage. And we are looking at ourselves. Whether we stay married or not is still up in the air. We are, however, trying to strengthen ourselves as individuals and as parents.

You need to blow off the noise that comes in on these threads from the "Holier than thou" people who get off on berating people. They are not seeking to be helpful and only want to tell you what a horrible person you are. Being in a similar place that you are, I'm pretty sure you've beaten yourself up with all the judgement you see here on your own long before you posted here.

Keep in mind, they most likely have some dirty skeletons in their closets. Just watch the news and you'll see that the people who most vehemently moralize sometimes tend to get caught at exactly what they are most publicly opposed to. If they are religious people, they need to remember, 'Judge not lest ye be judged" and "Let the one who has not sinned cast the first stone."

Work on healing yourself.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Dec, 2007 09:36 am
Not sure who you're calling holier than thou, jake, but I think for the most part people here try to be helpful. I agree with you that LoveBD could benefit from some counseling and it surprises me that we're three pages in before someone mentioned it.

There are advantages and disadvantages to coming to an internet site with a personal dilemma. One advantage is that you get feedback from multiple people with multiple perspectives. A disadvantage is that the threads are equally open to those who want to judge and mock as those who want to offer advice. It takes pretty thick skin to open oneself up to ignore the judgments and mocking in order to hear the rest, but such is the nature of the beast.
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jake123
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Dec, 2007 11:18 am
JPB wrote:
Not sure who you're calling holier than thou, jake, but I think for the most part people here try to be helpful. I agree with you that LoveBD could benefit from some counseling and it surprises me that we're three pages in before someone mentioned it.

There are advantages and disadvantages to coming to an internet site with a personal dilemma. One advantage is that you get feedback from multiple people with multiple perspectives. A disadvantage is that the threads are equally open to those who want to judge and mock as those who want to offer advice. It takes pretty thick skin to open oneself up to ignore the judgments and mocking in order to hear the rest, but such is the nature of the beast.


Just a knee-jerk reaction to some of what Hepabluh53 said. In fact, I was being quick to judge Hepabluh.

Hepabluh brought forth some very good questions:

Quote:
Is your husband really unloving?


Quote:
Have you really made any serious effort to make your marriage better?


Quote:
Are you really unable to resist the lover?


These are questions that LoveBD needs to ask herself.

I just felt she could do without statements like:

Quote:
Sounds like you are simply trying to rationalize immature and selfish behavior on your part.


Quote:
You have decided that your pleasure is more important and worth the pain to others.


What I'm seeing is LoveBD coming here to try and start healing the damage and pain. Not to rationalize anything.

In my own personal experience, counseling and therapy are working for me to start healing myself and perhaps my marriage. Since that has started, most of the people here have been very supportive.

There are just some people who come off as very black and white here, throwing their opinions around without acknowledging the swirling grays that some people get caught up in.

I don't know if I'm expressing things quite right. It just seems that if someone wants to help, it might be better to say, "In my opinion, what you're doing is wrong, but here is what I think will help you do the right thing.", rather than, "You're a selfish, immature jerk with no consideration for others."

And that's my opinion.

Again, in my own situation, I was lead to start asking myself the kinds of questions that Hep brought up. That was largely through the many posts that you and others made in my thread. But I had to weed through a lot of harshness to get to that.

But, like you said:
Quote:
...such is the nature of the beast.
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suesilva
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Dec, 2007 01:43 pm
in love with the experience
I think you have to realize that you're probably not in love with this guy, but the way he made you feel. It was the experience. It's hard to rationalize when you're going through so much emotion. I saw a counselor about a similar situation (and I am a very strong, independent woman) and she said it could take 18-24 months to get over something like that and she's right. But realize that the way you feel about him now cannot be maintained. It's just that you probably havn't felt that way in such a long time. He opened up part of you that had been "closed" and it becomes a fix that needs to be fed.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2007 05:17 pm
I see what youre saying and maybe you're right. However, I really do like who he is, I guess most of the time. I like that he is an excellent father that cares about his kids and does so much for them, not out of obligation, just because he really likes them. I guess Im a softy for a great dad. I feel like a single mom about 99.9% of the time and couldnt imagine actually having that kind of man as a mate. I dont know if it is him or the way he made me feel, I do know that I miss him, more than i should and more that I can say. I hate it.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2007 05:26 pm
I hadnt read this post from hooplah or whoever it was. I will say this in my defense. I am VERY conscious of my actions and that is the ONLY reason I stopped the damn affair to begin with because if I only thought of me, I would be luxuriously rolling around in bed with my lover! Instead, Im spilling my guts out trying to get a grip and my heart is torn and Im burnt out. Its the holidays and Im away from home and I miss my family. Im not trying to rationalize anything, Im trying to HEAL. If someone is so quick to judge others, that tells me a few things right off the bat, 1. You have never been so low as to make a bad choice and not know what to do.
2. You are so narrow minded that you cant see past your own ass to see what others may be suffering from
3. You are so consumed with self-hatred that you will lash out on anyone as in hopes that no one will look in your closet to see your dirty laundry.

There, Im off my soap box now. He is my ex-lover and I am moving forward. Im hanging out with my kids and working hard. Im making every effort to move forward. I would like to try counseling. I live in a small town and am not sure how to find a reputable one in the bigger town over. I know that Im dealing with a lot of issues here that go far beyond my marriage. Im taking a huge look at my marriage by the way. And as far as if my husband is unloving/........Hmmmm, lets just say no. I could go on but that would only make me a bigger dumb ass for staying.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Dec, 2007 05:29 pm
and for Hepabluh53, who the hell would take the time to make up all of this? What gain would come from this? I wouldnt wish this on anyone. You need to take the shard of wood out of your own eye!
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Dec, 2007 09:34 am
LoveBD wrote:
There, Im off my soap box now. He is my ex-lover and I am moving forward.


Bravo sister. Bravo.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Dec, 2007 09:46 am
Hang in there, LoveBD. It's a long road but it's a road worth traveling.
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martybarker
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Dec, 2007 10:41 am
Wow Suesilve, I've never heard of such a type of counseling. Thanks for sharing that.

LoveBD, has your ex-lover talked with you about ending the affair? If he really cares for you as a person, he will understand what you are going through right now and try to be supportive.

I think we all have shoulda, woulda, coulda moments in our lives. We can't focus on the mistakes we've made but look forward to what we learn from them to live our lives the way we choose to in the future. Maybe this affair was a vital part of you growing as an individual. I do agree that its best to end it before people get hurt though.
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Dec, 2007 10:46 am
Making mistakes is a part of life. We learn from our experiences, both the good and especially, if we're smart, the bad ones.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Dec, 2007 01:38 pm
LoveBF--

Counseling is an excellent idea. You're getting an early start on New Year's Resolutions.
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Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Dec, 2007 01:08 am
I say never wait for the new year.

T
K
O
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