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Wed 21 Nov, 2007 12:29 pm
BACKGROUND:
I have a great job. I really do. I am my own boss mostly and I work in a field that I studied for, in a specialty I could not find elsewhere because it doesn't exist (the focus of my Center is unique in conflict resolution field. We work with history and memory in identity based conflicts, so I would not be able to find a similar job elsewhere). But the organization itself has many flaws:
- I joined this center to do field work. I fled from academia precisely so that i have something to teach about. Currently in my job, however, I do lots of project proposals, newsletter and webpage writing and editing, and I teach workshops---without the field experience that I was after. My boss hears me that I need and want it, but there never is time.
- My boss himself is a huge problem. He sucks as a manager. He is extremely self-absorbed and self-important, his style of communication often comes across (even if not meant that way) as berating and putting us, his staff, down. He so busy that he cannot do anything 100%, so there's a lot of scrambling around on his part and being constantly exhausted, which is just unprofessional (you cannot be falling asleep and yawning in meetings and workshops). He has no sense of program priorities and direction - he just wants money. Rich and high status people have far more weight than we do as well. For example, if I push some project idea across (let's say Kosovo) -he won't consider it (too unstable, too this too that- for 3 years)...but if a rich board member brings up that we should be working in Kosovo, he acts as if we heard it for the first time - "what a splendid idea, i'm glad we did not discard that entirely"... makes me want to get violent
- My colleage and now a good friend who does administrative and office and communications management stuff (who has to deal with him daily) is quitting. She can't take it any longer....
-Which makes me depressed and frustrated. It's hard to go on when you cease believing that there is grand future ahead. I feel we just keep muddling through and wasting our and everybody's time and money. Not a good approach, I reckon, but I am burnt out.
NOW COMES THE QUANDARY:
- the center got work visa for me. That is already a big commitment and I feel like I have to stay working here for the duration of that visa at least (3 years total, started Oct. 1st this year). My boss is pushing me to apply for the Green Card. Sounds great, right? But... that would mean a commitment of more years even and right now I cannot psychologically imagine such commitment. If the center sponsors it, that's around $20,000 investment in my person... so I could not just up and leave few months after I get it.
-My father is 76 and my nephew is 6. I want to get to know my father better, in fact I want to write a book with my mother and my sister about him (Poisonwood Bible style). My mother is constantly pressuring me to come back home (not in a bad way at all)
-But: Green card is a green card : I'd be free after next 5 years or so (ugh) to move about the world pretty much as I like - work in the EU or U.S. or internationally with much greater ease... wouldn't have to go through the visa awfulness ever again (that's a big one). With my job it is likely that I will work in the U.S. again as the market in Europe is much more limited in what I do.
- I am not sure if I'll necessarily be happier in Slovakia. My father is well known and I am always Professor K's daughter. Not Dasha the historical conciliation person - my merit there comes from his person and that poses multiple obstacles, especially since we are in the same field. I can easily get a high position job over there... but not directly in my specialty, and being aware that many people will think I got there because of protectionism and clientelism....
- I could work in Vienna which is 50 minutes away...but that would likely be back to academia (NO NO NO!!!!) Or Budapest if there even is anything
SO: low and behold no choice is ideal. Do I bite the bullet and go for the green card (and risk that I'll miss out on the opportunity to know my father better and miss out on my nephew's childhood even more) or do I forego that and move home where I'll have to deal with other professional unpleasantries?
Ultimately, nobody can answer this for me. Only I can. But I have been mulling this over for many weeks now and it's not budging either way. Both options depress the hell out of me. Ultimately, family is more important....but...green card? Would I not regret foregoing it forever?
I will tell my boss that I need to think about this for a few more months. I have time to apply for the green card at least till this summer... But still, I do need to decide, for it's stressing me out.
(I also amassaded so much stuff during the almost 8 years here that the thought of moving across the pond is just...ugh....makes my hair stand up. Ha, just bought a sewing machine today...anyway).
Part of it might be my lack of self-confidence: I might be sticking to this job because it is so messy and I have a messy schedule and sometimes I work far less than 8 hours a day and sometimes I work 16 hour days. I don't know how I would handle a 9 to 5 kind of a job, never had one like that... and I always always dread failure (my sis and I, we have that in common... I blame my parents, we were raised to perform to the maximum of our potential).... I am well aware of my own psychological limitations and strenghts (heh, mother is a family therapist)... but even that awareness only goes so far, as the main quandary remains unchanged.
I don't know what I want here. I guess I just needed to lay it out for myself, to mark the official start of dealing with this quandary and stop sweeping it under the rug. Last time I chose to see a cousellor (when I was stuck with my diss thesis for a long time) it helped tremendously - because even though I thought I'm fully capable to analyze myself, she asked me questions I haven't thought of before and she listened and she listened more. Saying things out loud rather than in my head helped me work through it and move on. So, hopefully some questions from you guys will be things I haven't thought of before and help me move on in this. Sigh. I wish life was a bit easier.
Dag, I regularly read your posts, and would miss you were you to go back home. Your perspective of our overblown, self-absorbed culture is priceless.
I admire the fact that your work has a higher purpose, and you take it VERY seriously.
I know very little of the greencard / visa rules, but it seems as though they (your employers)are using this to make you feel obligated to a bad situation.
I am not terribly inspirational, but can certainly ask a pointed question or two in the spirit of helping...
If all esle fails, I am certain a number of male A2Kers would offer to help you stay here the old fashioned way... :wink:
Best of luck
My father lost his fight with cancer last year. During that entire time I was working overseas. It was the rational, responsible thing to do, but now I wish I had that time back to have spent with him. My father and I were never really very close when I was growing up. It was only for the past few years, when I was in my late 40s that we began to be able to really talk to each other. And now its too late.
Re: Green Card Quandary
dagmaraka wrote:
NOW COMES THE QUANDARY:
- the center got work visa for me. That is already a big commitment and I feel like I have to stay working here for the duration of that visa at least (3 years total, started Oct. 1st this year). My boss is pushing me to apply for the Green Card. Sounds great, right? But... that would mean a commitment of more years even and right now I cannot psychologically imagine such commitment. If the center sponsors it, that's around $20,000 investment in my person... so I could not just up and leave few months after I get it.
No No No. You so could just up and leave. You owe your no more than they owe you. Keep that always in mind. If they wanted to let you go, would they ask if you were overextended from say, just having financed a car? I doubt it.
Get the green card. Take the money and run. And there will be another that fully engages you. I don't know where or when, but it's there somewhere. Start networking.
This reminds me of a horrible wonderful job I had once. I was coordinator of a landuse project under the co-directorship of two very interesting individuals who were basically insane, which nice to have lunch with. I stayed because I signed up, and there was a natural limitation on the project. Went through a long period of useless overwork and endless frustration. Worst job of my life, despite the nifty job description in a project that interested me.
I understand your push-pulls, Dag. With Roger, I'm not so sure you'd Owe them three years, but see the qualm of just upping and quitting after getting the green card. I see needing to be with your father, but would rather that be during, say a leave of absence, or a few long vacations than a move-back, my humble opinion from afar.. Maybe with networking, you'd find another place that might value you enough to spring for the green card fee (hmm, could you get a loan, thus owing no one? or does that have to be sponsored?), that would have interesting work that you could dig into, and get good vacations too.....
Haha, thanks guys...
You sound like voices in my head....I hear both Rog and Jim and one time Rog is winnng ....other time Jim is.
Maybe I should discuss the commitment thing with my boss directly. But if I tell him that I don't feel so sure I want to stay here forever...he will be much less likely to sponsor my green card. I don't want to 'cheat him into it' and then leave. He and I are the only two people that were in this organization from the get go, so he's not just a boss... I would feel morally obliged to stay for longer then i'd like.
Then again... friends tell me that I am severely underpaid anyway and could take it as the center actually paying me back... but i cannot quite accept that view. I knew and readily accepted my pay as the work was more important than the money. I believed in what I'm doing... So I don't feel it right to NOW claim it as money back or whatnot.... I simply would feel horrible leaving right after I get the green card. Plus I don't think I'd be able to pull it off that way. But... I don't sneeze at the green card. It IS something that I want, it IS something that makes sense for me longterm, life-longterm.
Jim, I also hear you loud and clear. My father will be 80 in four years... if I spend those four years chasing after the green card and something should happen to him during that time, I would never forgive myself.
And Rockhead.... thanks
very sweet of you.
Osso... I thought of asking for working in Europe for the center. We do have projects starting up there and I mostly work on the computer and over email anyway... But my boss thinks I am indispensable at the Boston office... and he does have a point. You can't have the director here and program coordinator in Europe. Still, it's worthwhile to pursue, especially if I explain to him that I'm depressed and burnt out and if I can't go home for an extended period of time, I may just have to quit...
Re: Green Card Quandary
dagmaraka wrote:(the focus of my Center is unique in conflict resolution field. We work with history and memory in identity based conflicts, so I would not be able to find a similar job elsewhere).
I've no advice dag...but I've heard you mention what you do for a living, and I've never been quite clear on what it is.
What is "history and memory identity based conflicts"?
Can you explain?
Re: Green Card Quandary
roger wrote:dagmaraka wrote:
NOW COMES THE QUANDARY:
- the center got work visa for me. That is already a big commitment and I feel like I have to stay working here for the duration of that visa at least (3 years total, started Oct. 1st this year). My boss is pushing me to apply for the Green Card. Sounds great, right? But... that would mean a commitment of more years even and right now I cannot psychologically imagine such commitment. If the center sponsors it, that's around $20,000 investment in my person... so I could not just up and leave few months after I get it.
No No No. You so could just up and leave. You owe your no more than they owe you. Keep that always in mind. If they wanted to let you go, would they ask if you were overextended from say, just having financed a car? I doubt it.
Get the green card. Take the money and run. And there will be another that fully engages you. I don't know where or when, but it's there somewhere. Start networking.
I totally agree with Roger, in theory. I know I'd have a hard time actually doing it, though, were I in your shoes.
Dasha, how is your centre different from IMTD?
(trying to figure out if there's a way to do what you do best in another way - your centre always seems like it could go kerplop at any moment - depending on the boss' whims and temperament)
Yes, in theory I agree totally with Roger too. If there is someone who can guarantee me that my father won't fall sick or godforbid die in that time. Can anyone do that though? Hardly. Yet... he might be totally fine for another 20 years. I just will not know. I will take a huge chance either way.
Chai, I work in conflict resolution field. We work with identity based conflict - that is conflicts based on ethnicity or religion or culture (say integration of Muslims in Western Europe... or Hindu-Muslim conflict in India or Israeli-Arab conflict in Israel...). Our niche is in approaching these conflicts through dealing with history and collective memories of people. That is done through either workshops, or longterm dialogue projects, or consultation for both sides, commemorative events, etc. We believe that only if we face the past and acknowledge the other's story (doesn't mean we have to agree or forgive... just hear it out) can we move forward in divided societies. Human experience is universal - we all suffer, we all hate, love, fear... .we look for that which is universal and use it to build bridges among people.
Beth, IMTD is a lot more political. They work with political leaders and policy makers on high levels.... While we do that sometimes too, our primary focus is on conflicts where we think our approach is useful - and that can be sometimes on grassroots and sometimes on top level. Plus, they're big. They are more like a corporation and that is not all that inviting to me.
Plus, I'd have to get a new work permit which I cannot go through again - it's been too much. It's either this or home, I don't want another job in the U.S. right now... I might evetually, but I spent the last 2 years going through the visa wringer and I just won't do it again.
Thinking of your colleagues abroad.... can't you work from Europe?
I could....but then we would need to hire someone to work in Boston... we don't have money for another position just yet.
dagmaraka wrote:Haha, thanks guys...
You sound like voices in my head....I hear both Rog and Jim and one time Rog is winnng ....other time Jim is.
Maybe I should discuss the commitment thing with my boss directly. But if I tell him that I don't feel so sure I want to stay here forever...he will be much less likely to sponsor my green card. I don't want to 'cheat him into it' and then leave. He and I are the only two people that were in this organization from the get go, so he's not just a boss... I would feel morally obliged to stay for longer then i'd like.
Then again... friends tell me that I am severely underpaid anyway and could take it as the center actually paying me back... but i cannot quite accept that view. I knew and readily accepted my pay as the work was more important than the money. I believed in what I'm doing... So I don't feel it right to NOW claim it as money back or whatnot.... I simply would feel horrible leaving right after I get the green card. Plus I don't think I'd be able to pull it off that way. But... I don't sneeze at the green card. It IS something that I want, it IS something that makes sense for me longterm, life-longterm.
Jim, I also hear you loud and clear. My father will be 80 in four years... if I spend those four years chasing after the green card and something should happen to him during that time, I would never forgive myself.
And Rockhead.... thanks
very sweet of you.
Is there not some middle course in all this available?
Eg: I fully understand and accept that you cannot just up and run as soon as you get a green card. However, do you really need to feel indentured for five years?
Can you push to get SOME of your work in Europe,so that you can spend more time with family, while not sacrificing as much career wise as you would if you moved there?
What are your green card chances without sponsorship from your boss?
dlowan wrote:
Is there not some middle course in all this available?
Eg: I fully understand and accept that you cannot just up and run as soon as you get a green card. However, do you really need to feel indentured for five years?
Can you push to get SOME of your work in Europe,so that you can spend more time with family, while not sacrificing as much career wise as you would if you moved there?
What are your green card chances without sponsorship from your boss?
Maybe 3 years...I don't know. I'm sure I would still be guilt-tripped whether it's 3, 5, or 7 years.... by self AND by the boss.
I will explore some middle ground scenario. The trouble with the boss is that he is an awful communicator. He get immediately defensive and focuses on his perspective, cuts people off... it's a frustrating experience always to have to have a talk with him. But we'll see how it goes.
Other green card options? Little. I submitted the green card lottery for the 11th time this year (chances are about 1 : 50,000). I WILL NOT marry for the green car. Just won't do it. THat would mean the Department of Homeland Security won, made me get on my knees and crawl. I will not cheat my way into it... so that is out of the question for me. I know tons of others do it every year, and I have nothing against it, but it's not for me. That about sums it up.
dagmaraka wrote:dlowan wrote:
Is there not some middle course in all this available?
Eg: I fully understand and accept that you cannot just up and run as soon as you get a green card. However, do you really need to feel indentured for five years?
Can you push to get SOME of your work in Europe,so that you can spend more time with family, while not sacrificing as much career wise as you would if you moved there?
What are your green card chances without sponsorship from your boss?
Maybe 3 years...I don't know. I'm sure I would still be guilt-tripped whether it's 3, 5, or 7 years.... by self AND by the boss.
I will explore some middle ground scenario. The trouble with the boss is that he is an awful communicator. He get immediately defensive and focuses on his perspective, cuts people off... it's a frustrating experience always to have to have a talk with him. But we'll see how it goes.
Other green card options? Little. I submitted the green card lottery for the 11th time this year (chances are about 1 : 50,000). I WILL NOT marry for the green car. Just won't do it. THat would mean the Department of Homeland Security won, made me get on my knees and crawl. I will not cheat my way into it... so that is out of the question for me. I know tons of others do it every year, and I have nothing against it, but it's not for me. That about sums it up.
Why the guilt?
If you're gonna have it even after SEVEN years, what about doing two and a half, since you're gonna have the guilt anyway! :wink:
Are there approaches that make boss man less defensive?
Does he blow, then get over it and become rational?
kinda. i think he's passive aggressive. and self-involved. SOmetimes he's all sweetness and then he'll have a day or two when his emails are all negative and full of fury in an ugly way. At those times he often doesn't remember his previous promises or he says dismissive things...which discourage people that don't know him too well from continuing to work with us (duh...no wonder). He has a way of saying simple things that can just be said in a productive straightforward way (e.d."Can you take care of this, please, and be in touch with X?) in a dissing manner (e.g. "I cannot be expected to deal with this while I travel, I have so many appointments. I can not be the go-between between you and X, get in touch with her asap).... and the like. In other words, he really SUCKS as a manager.
rational? dunno if he ever is. sometimes he listens to other's reasoning, but to him 'profitable' comes first. Or 'important' sounding. Whether we have capacity to do such profitable nd important project at the time escapes his consideration. Bah.
well, dash I never actually liked you so i don't actually care what you do. However, I do think you need to focus on what has the greatest value to you as a human bean.
dyslexia wrote:well, dash I never actually liked you so i don't actually care what you do. However, I do think you need to focus on what has the greatest value to you as a human bean.
though i dislike you even more than you me, i must admit that you have a point. I could hardly argue in front of self that the green card is more important than my family.
ok, if bossman passive-aggressives the centre into a closure, what is your alternate plan? could you set up your own centre? in Europe?
You're a real specialist - are there other centres that would back you if they knew you were on the loose and looking to establish your own agency?
It seems that there must truly be other options for you - but that your attachment to the centre and guilt around the bossman's behaviour have somehow impacted your ability to see it.
(IMTD does seem to have some quite non-political tracks which don't get the coverage that the political-level ones do ...
I'm not suggested they're THE ones or anything, just that it seems there really are options for fieldwork in international conflict resolution. Maybe not the one you dream of (and don't have where you are), but maybe opportunities to develop within more stable organizations.
~~~
Truthfully, doesn't seem you owe the boss anything. He'd probably have already lost the centre without the work you do, making things happen
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