Hello and welcome to A2K!
I've read the responses. I'm with soz (no great surprise there, she and I are often on similar wavelengths) and Sofia (also not a great surprise). :-D
Currently, I work from home (I'm an employee of A2K, actually). While I might ask my husband for advice or a bounce-off, the fact is, all expenses are Craven's and my concern (mainly Craven's - this is not an equal partnership and he has a much bigger stake than I do). My husband isn't some third partner. He's just my bounce-off (as are my folks, etc.). Yeah, I love Mr. Jespah. Absolutely! But give him any autonomy over this business? Nope, not unless he starts actually working here. This isn't a lack of love, it's a call for everyone's sanity. When Craven asked me to work with him, he didn't ask for my husband's services, too.
Before this, several years ago, I ran my own sole practitioner law firm. Did Mr. Jespah give me financial advice? Nope, not then, either. I did my thing with the firm's money and together we did our thing with our own money. And never the twain met. Did I bounce stuff off him then? Sometimes, though not as much as I do with A2K, but that's more because Mr. J has a far closer affinity to the 'net than to the practice of law. If I had business money, I invested it in things like business cards or transportation to depositions. Family money was for groceries, etc.
The business money is the business money. It stays in the business account, it pays the business taxes and insurance and overhead. It works for the business. The family money is for the family. It stays in the family account. It pays the family's taxes and insurance and all other expenses. It works for the family.
I assume you took out a loan from the family in order to start up the business. Have you paid that loan yet? If so, then everything must be separate, for now, for good, for all time. No more thinking that the $100 chip could be $100 in groceries. It can't. The two are apples and oranges. If you haven't paid back whatever was paid in by the family (that's the money she's earning now, plus whatever money you've put in before when you were presumably working somewhere else prior to starting your own business), then make paying back that loan your top priority and then sever the connection between the two accounts.
When you own your own business, you need to pay yourself a salary, not take out nonspecific random amounts to pay ad hoc personal bills as they come in. Handle this business like a business. This doesn't mean a degree in accounting. It does mean, let's say you get $100/hour for programming services, then say $75/hour is your salary. Write yourself a check on the business account and that's your salary. The rest of the money stays in the business account and is used for (here's a partial list) -
* printer paper
* software and software upgrades
* office space
* postage
* ISP
* DSL line or the like
* hardware and hardware upgrades
* pens & pencils
* business cards
* business phone
* business furniture (desk, ergonomic chair, lamp)
* fax machine
* advertising
* business utility expenses (phone, any added power, etc.)
* business taxes, etc.
That's how a business is run. If you aren't making a profit (and I don't see that in this topic, so I assume you are making a profit), then you may need to continue borrowing, and of course that's a source of friction. Keep good books on how much you've borrowed. Work to pay that back as soon as you can - this friction is coming between you and your wife and it cannot be good for your marriage. When you get a paid programming job, set aside some of the money (in addition to your salary, etc.) towards paying the loan. This is how every business does it. You pay your debts, salary and overhead out of profit. Not your groceries. You pay your groceries out of your salary. That may sound like a silly added step but it'll save everyone's sanity if you take that step and make it clear that you really are contributing and here's where. And you really are paying off the debt - here's the $$. And anything you have leftover goes to your own overhead and your wife really doesn't have the right to dictate terms as to how your business's profit is to be spent.
Anyway, do you tell her how to do her job? So why is she involved so much in your job? Oh, and another quick thing - retiring in '05? That's very likely a pipe dream. It's not impossible, but you should both let it go as a goal. Try for it, sure, but don't kill yourself over it. What's the hurry?
Now, as for the showy gesture - I'm with Sofia on this. Argh, it's a bit much to send a dozen roses. How often do you do this? Weekly? Monthly? A dozen roses for a birthday or anniversary is lovely. Perhaps extravagant, but lovely. How pretty! Her coworkers will say. She'll be touched. But weekly or monthly? Huh? If you're concerned about the price of a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, you shouldn't be spending on flowers. And monthly celebrations detract from real celebrations. We stopped celebrating monthly anniversaries after we'd been together for a year, and neither of us misses 'em. They're not meaningful if you have a very long-term relationship. These aren't milestones, they're inflated time-markers. And as for flowers "just because", that's nice. Now think to yourself - how often does "just because" come around? Weekly? Monthly? That's silly and overdoing it. I'm sorry to be a wet blanket but our finances are such that unless it was a major birthday or the like, I'd be massively angry at my husband if he got on a regular flowers kick. Frankly, I'd wonder what he'd been up to. Hell, I turned 40 last year (and we celebrated 10 years of marriage in '02, too) and there was nary a flower in sight for either occasion. And that's fine - I'd much rather be together and go on a trip, or get a bunch of stuff I really need, or have a party with friends. Flowers are ephemeral.
And yeah, counseling. We're not professionals here. There may be something more deep-seated and it would be a good idea for you and your wife to both explore it. If she won't go, go without her. If you can't afford it, get a recommendation from your regular doctor for a therapist who bills on a sliding scale. You need to understand why you feel the need to defer to your wife in areas where she isn't qualified and/or has no place being, and your wife needs to understand why she needs to insert herself in such things.
Just a thought : I've noticed your response of trying to find a "Work around" and the $100 expense of a memory chip. Those reflections and others are pretty much cut and dry thoughts/fixes.
This is not a programing issue. This is an issue of the heart. It is an issue in need of an emotional solution as well as a factual/action solution. You've said very little concerning the love you have for each other. How the loss of your wife will effect you and vise versa. In saying this I am reflecting on my brothers situation. He has had some problems in his marriage. He is a CPA/CFO and thinks that the solution to his difficulties is to balance the debits and credits of his marriage. It doesn't work that way.
A difficult question to ask but, I will. You've spoken of roses and notes in the lunch bag. How often do you do this or similar things? Are you clinging on to your wife? Are you doing these things a lot for fear that she may not love you if you don't? Women only like puppies fo so long. Even if she is a princess, (????) why do you think she deserves this? She deserves love, support, and other things that strengthen a relationship. Not adoration. Here is a thought from a woman who is pretty damn astute and has put up with me for 27 years: her sister and brother-in-law are sleeping in different rooms. She looked at me and said that if I ever wanted to sleep in seperate rooms, mine would be in a motel. She's kinda straight forward like that but, she generally makes sense. If you are going to solve this, you both need to be talking more about relationships, trust and, emotion and less about computer chips, roses for the princess and, work arounds. If she has already found it comfortable to sleep in another part of the house, you got problems that won't be solved in this forum. You better go to that other part of the house to find the solution. Your programming skill may be excellent but the skills you need now involve relationships. There is no code for that.
Agreed with both Jes and morganwood.
Dave, therapy/ counselling has come up several times, but I don't recall you commenting on it beyond the fact that money is an issue. Is your wife against therapy? Are you?
Just curious.
I wouldn't say either of us are for or against it. We both are of the same mindset of therapy merely helps you solve a problem you already know the solution to. We are both very good at analysing a situation and logically looking at the answers. After having a 3 hour talk lastnight, I thing we have both realized that we need to work on a couple of things and we began to make out own lists of improvement areas, and some goals.
That looks great, especially that you both will be working on things.
My take on the therapy thing is that you either a) find out that you are on the right track, or b) find out that there are more issues that you need to work on than the ones you have already identified. If it is a), you may have "wasted" the cost for counselling (though having objective confirmation counts for something, in my book.)
If it is the possibility of "b)" that most concerns me, though. If you have identified an issue as the fact that you need to be more careful with money, for example, when the real issue is control, "solving" the money issue will not solve the control issue, and you will just have to go through this whole thing again down the line. And down the line you may well have less goodwill left to get you through.
That's wonderful that you are making real progress, though... best of luck!
One thing I wife brought to light through the conversation is working with my accountant to establish my payroll even though I am not running payroll as of yet.
She said just knowing that I have $50,000 of client money in the bank right now when she is worrying if we will make the mortage next month (and we always do) bugs her. If I had some kind of established salary and she knew that If we were doing payroll at this time I would be getting $75.00 for instance, this would make her more compfortable.
That makes sense.
Was your discussion satisfactory enough that separation is off the table?
We have decided to separate floors for a little bit. I'm in the guestroom, but at least we see each other everyday. We also had a nice dinner together last night.
Why does this sound so much like my life? I should say, the life I used to have before I actually started talking things out with my wife. That, my friend, is the best therapy any couple could ask for, and it won't cost you anything except time. Good luck. Despite the issues of the day to day, it sounds like you are on the right track. Mrs. cav and I don't share a bedroom, 'cept for the you-know-what, because I snore (sleep apnea). It works fine, and we are proud of our unusual marriage.
Sometimes the unconventional approach to life just fits.
A quick thought here, Jespah. Corporate employees have regular salaries. Sole proprietors and partners have withdrawals, which are not an expense to the business. That definately does not mean that business and family monies may be co-mingled.
Your focusing too much on the business operation. I think your not seeing the forest through the trees.
The only reason I am saying that is (and I am not trying to be harsh), I have run a successful business before. One that made me quite a bit of money which is put away for a rainy day. Everything about the business is separate from the personal stuff except that my office is in the house for now.
I hope no one took offence to the earlier comment.
I think the main thing that people have been commenting on is that if you have things in such good order, why does your wife think it is OK to object to your spending $100 on a chip? That seems to suggest that you need to have things organized better, since the $100 spent on a chip is not in fact $100 that could be spent on groceries. Apples and oranges.
If you DO have things organized well, it's back to the fact that your wife shouldn't be concerned about these things.
Dave, I am not entirely sure how tax laws work in NJ, but I do know that if you are currently running your biz from home, a lot of personal expenses can be written off, including gas, if you drive, taxis, of course any equipment you buy, also your phone bill, internet service....meals out if you discuss business, anything you spend on research and development (which could be a couple of beers with the guys while you complain about your business), the loopholes are endless...point is, I am with soz on this....it is great that you and your wife are talking things out, or so it seems. That is the best solution. However, it does seem that she is a bit over-concerned about money, which happens, and it's okay IF you can talk about it. If you are truly not in debt, and are secure for the moment, I definitely think she has issues regarding financial security that go beyond the norm, and that need to be addressed.
Dave- One of the things that I am perceiving, is that you are taking a lot of the heat here. It is very possible that the problem has to do with both you and your wife's unmet emotional needs. And that is precisely why counselling may be helpful.
When you deal with a professional, disinterested individual, you may learn something about the two of you that you would not accomplish in one and one interaction. I think that takling together is wonderful, but it may not uncover deeper issues that each of you may have.
Since I was a kid, I have read "The Ladies' Home Journal". In that magazine there is a column, "Can this Marriage be Saved". There is a therapist, and the couple. First each person in the couple states what he/she perceives is the problem in the marriage. Then the other half of the couple states his/her case.
After that, the therapist evaluates the entire situation, and makes suggestions. The point that I am making, is that often many of the couples have no idea of what motivates them to behave in a certain way. The therapist helps point them in the right direction, and develop a greater understanding of each others' needs.
Yep there are a lot of write-offs. That way I pay a CPA a bunch of money to handle this end of it.
Dave, the CPA's use programs that are inexpensive to buy. We borrowed a CPA friend's computer last year and popped in the numbers. The wife got money back, and my self-employed ass didn't owe a dime for the first time in a few years. We plan on getting the program, and forgetting the accountants.
I've read most of the comments here and most people are concerned with the business/money aspect because it was the intro to your post. However, I see something else here. Maybe someone has mentioned the same things - could be a repeat.
Maybe I'm a million miles off base. Wouldn't be the first time
Sorry if that's so.
You are not over your head in debt, so money is not a real issue, but it becomes one when she finds out you are spending money that she doesn't feel you should have spent. This doesn't sound completely like a money issue, but more of a trust issue. She doesn't want to feel that you are hiding purchases from her especially if you are the spender. She may not feel that you are intentionally hiding things, but if you've discussed your spending habits time and time again, she may be fearful.. maybe not fearful of going broke, but fearful that you are keeping secrets.
She also complains about sending roses, etc. and prefers free or inexpensive things like notes. Maybe she feels that spending $100 on roses is a quick, insincere fix for a previous argument or an easier way of saying 'I love you' than the time spent on a letter. Maybe she feels that you are not being truly mindful of her - it's not the $100 - it's the case that a delivery man is not as thoughtful as moments of your time spent writing something meaningful.
Again, maybe a million miles off, but it seems to me that the money issues do exist, but they are also a scapegoat for her need of a total sense of trust of you and her want for you to delve into more intimacy with her than a quick gift sent to her office.
I'm sure there's more but....
Anyhow, a lot of great insight and advice here from my fellow A2Kers, as always. Best of luck, Dave, and let us know how you are doing.
From the coversations between myself and my wife over the last couple of days, I think sugar has hit the nail on the head. This is what we have partially come to the realization of. There are trust issues.
