Temporary Separation - How to cope? How long is enough?

Hi dvanderwekke, and welcome.

First, I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time.

It is tremendously encouraging, though, that you seem to both have the same goal, to make things work between the two of you and see that 25th anniversary.

I don't think there is any one answer for how long a separation should be. It sounds like she has given you an ultimatum -- she's not willing to put up with the money issues, and so that needs to be solved to get back together.

That's a specific problem that you can go about solving. My husband likes Suze Orman for this stuff:

http://www.suzeorman.com/home.asp

(I'm allergic to self-help books, he says it's a good one.)

Are you already seeing a marriage counsellor?

Thank you for the reply
Thank you for the reply. I will look at the Suze stuff.

We are not seeing a councelor, but this has been a topic of discussion. Since money is tight, this was a hard topic. But I said I am willing to do whatever it takes for us to make this work. If I need to get a job at night to pay for counceling, I will.

It sounds like you have a great attitude, Dave. (If I may call you that -- easier to type than your username. )

There are often counsellors who offer fees on a sliding scale. It seems like this is something worth spending money for...?

If you both agree that there is a problem, and it must be addressed, I would suggest meeting--ironing out short term and long term solutions--and getting back together.

You may have to let her make the personal financial decisions for a while, or something to that effect--but you sound like you know this already.

Anyway-- an open-ended seperation is always worrisome to me. Maybe you could at least agree when you will get back together...

Why the seperation if you agree on the problem? I know there must be times when a seperation is helpful, but I don't see it. I think sometimes, a seperation is either a vacation from marriage, or a subterfuge of one partner, who is thinking about divorce.

This is just my perception. Not particularly about your scenario, but seperation in general.

Anyway. Best wishes.
WELCOME!

This looks like a pertinent part of the Suze Orman site:

http://www.suzeorman.com/resources/financialintimacy.asp

Some pretty good stuff there.

Sofia, I have seen these kinds of separations work -- when the people involved are just too stressed out and need some time away from each other to get some perspective. It sounds to me like Dave's wife is just completely fed up with the money issue, and rather than saying something more final, -- that's it, I'm out of here, goodbye -- she is saying that she can't stand to deal with it any more and needs a break, but if he can get things to the point where it's not a problem anymore, and she doesn't HAVE to deal with it, she wants to stay with him.

That's of course reading a lot into what little has been said so far.

At any rate, I do think separations can serve a valid purpose. I seem to know a lot of married couples who were separated at some point, then got over it.

If you have a favorite local PBS station, keep an eye out during their pledge periods for a show by Suze Orman and her Ten Laws of Money.

Most PBS stations repeatedly show this one, it is a good fundraiser for them.

My local station is currently showing it this month (3 times already!). :yawn:

dvanderwekke--

I gather that your marriage partnership is in financial trouble and that this trouble is mostly of your making.

Why have you and your wife chosen a trial separation to solve your financial difficulties?

Two cannot live as cheaply as one when they are living together. When two people are maintaining separate houses with separate household expenditures, expenses are at least doubled.

Why have you and your wife chosen to double your living expenses while you are trying to get out of debt? Is your fiscal responsibilty the only problem? Have you promised reform in the past and not followed through? Are there issues of trust and broken promises that must be dealt with?

What do you hope to accomplish with the trial separation? What does your wife hope to accomplish? Are your goals identical?

You sound a little bit like a child who has been naughty--and has admitted guilt. Now the kid wants to know when his punishment will be over. Crime. Punishment. Respectable again--but where do you fit reform in?

My guess is that your wife will take you back when you have demonstrated fiscal responsibility. How are you going to prove to her that you have reformed as opposed to announcing, "Now I'll be good (until the next time I'm tempted.)"

Why do you overspend? You don't sound like a stupid man. You know theoretically that extravagant spending is not financially sensible. Practically, you now know that your overspending has endangered your marriage. Why do you overspend?

You seem to be facing your problem which is the first step for trying to solve your problem. Good luck.

Thank for all of your words.
Thank for all of your words of encouragement. Just being able to talk it out and get some feedback is great help. You are correct in saying I have run into this problem before. We have worked through it and somehow I get us down that road again.

I have champaign taste. I like to give things to her even though she has simple taste. I guess I have a skewed view on how to make her happy. I have an issue understanding that sometimes a handwritten love letter and a single hand picked flower is 100 times nicer that my sending her one dozen roses at work.

I don't want anyone to think that by any means I have run up $10,000 on a charge card. We are not in debt. We have a great house. New cars. We go out to eat.

I think my lack of income while I start the business has made things stressful. I don't really have any savings to fall back on. I do things, but don't realize it until later. Stuff like, I'll run out in the morning to get my business mail and grab a Dunkin' Donuts coffee for $1.35 when I have coffee at home I could make.

The biggest issue is stuff like this. She also doesn't trust me on issues. For instance, I might buy a piece for the computer that I need. It is an important piece to my business, not bad spending, but I don't come right out and say, I bought XXX for the computer so I could do XXX. She very often is not interested in minute details. I guess I haven't been able to figure out which ones are important. She will then see the receipt for the XXX on my desk and ask why I am hiding this from here.

I am not purposely hiding things like this, well not consciously. I just didn't feel she needed the boring details about the XXX I bought and what it does.

Mainly, I wanted to clarify that we are not in financial trouble by any means. But we are not saving as much as week could. I have no cash to put in an IRA for retirement. No savings for the future

It sounds to me that you and your wife have totally different concepts of how to handle money. I think that you really need to invest in some short term marriage counselling.

On the one hand, you seem to have some insight into your wife's feelings about finances, yet you still do things that you know will bother her. Basically, when couples fight about money, there is a larger issue, one of control.

Since you are NOT in debt, and are NOT destitute, IMO, the picture changes dramatically. You need to find out why you use money as a token of love. She needs to learn why she becomes so upset about your spending. Unless you learn these things about yourselves, you will not be able to develop a workable arrangement that will keep your marriage on an even keel. You need to be able both to communicate your needs to each other, and to develop a practical spending plan.

You might benefit from reading about these episodes of the Dr. Phil show on these very same issues.

Money Matters

Marriage and Money

Here's one of the articles from his website that is particularly appropriate for your situation.

I greatly appreciate your feedback.
I greatly appreciate your feedback. My wife and I just finished a very serious talk. I did tell her that I have been seeking some advice and guidance from people on able2know. We are going to discuss some of everyone's great advice tomorrow. We made a plan to have a conversation tomorrow.

We did discuss some of the financial reasons not to separate. I think the time we have taken to reflect has also helped. We have decided to separate floors for now. I will be moving to the 2nd floor guestroom for a while. My wife feels comfortable with this arrangement.

I have a mission ahead of me. I have to begin to write a gameplan of how I am going to patch things up. How I am going to attempt to become more Fiscally mature and responsible. I am also going to look at a part-time job to help pay some bills and contribute to the household while the business gets rolling.

I think with everyone great advice and giving me a place to reflect, my wife and I will achieve our dream of seeing a 25th anniversary and many, many more.

My wife and I had thwe same problem except different roles. She would not argue with this: She could not understand how she could be overdrawn and still have checks left. We talked about it and I now handle the money. Within reason, what ever ashe wants she can buy. However, she will ask if we can afford it. That was something she never saked herself. We've gone from lots of insufficient funds charges (Lots!) to none in the past 10 or so years. What we've saved in fees she can spend! It was just a change we both knew we had to make.

If two people have a problem, I don't think seperation is the way to solve it. You need to be together to HONESTLY discuss the problem and, together, come up with a solution. This isn't the only problem you are going to face in your marriage. Are you going to seperate every time one comes up?

If both of you know you are lousy in handling money, common sense would say that you shouldn't do it. My wife burns water. Guess who does most of the cooking when she is home?

Looks like things are moving along on the right track, Dave.

But I have a question.

Why do you feel the need to spend money to show affection for your wife and why is your wife uncomfortable receiving affection in the form of gifts?

I am trying to find that out myself. I am not sure why I thing extravagant gifts are the right gifts. I'll admit, I have a bit of an ego. Maybe this is fuel for my ego. Sending her a dozen roses to her office as opposed to sticking a love letter in the lunch I just made her for work.

I don't think her issue is with receiving such gifts. I think it is the fact that I sent roses for $60.00 which took barely any effort, when that simple note in the lunch I packed for her is worth so much more.

I am romantic. I enjoy being romantic and creative. I like to fold her an origami flower. I am not sure why I don't. I know I procrastinate at times. I know I overload my schedule and don't leave time for us. Maybe it is a combination of all of these.

Dave, is this new with you? Or have you always been like this? I would tend to suspect the latter, and while your willingness to accept blame is admirable, I think that your wife may have unreasonable expectations that you should change your basic personality.

At any rate, counselling! $60 should get you at least half a session.

Honest ~ I'm not trying to be an asshole.....

In my previous post, I asked you a question that could have been blown off, but you decided to answer it. And your answer was good. Almost pre-written in its directness.

You and your wife know what you need to do to keep this marriage together.

Just do it.

Hey Dave, is that you? Nice pic.

Yeah. I use that on some of my business brochures and stuff. Plain and simple.

You are correct. I guess I have always been like this. I look at this like the programmer that I am... I may not be able to change the core function of a program to fix a problem, but there is always a creative work-around that gets the same result. It's just a matter of finding that work-around that we both agree on.