Temporary Separation - How to cope? How long is enough?

That's a programmer's job.....creating and 'finding' solutions.

I'm happy that you have trusted 'us' with your problem.

But, I don't think you and the Mrs. have one.

You both know what the issue is. You both agree that it's a problem.

Deal with it.

TOGETHER.

Yeah. I guess what I'm getting at is that I hope SHE is willing to make some compromises in the creative work-around, too. I have little respect for people who enter into relationships, much less marriages, with the expectation that their partner will change for the better. This is stuff to be worked out before you decide to get married, or else relegated to "annoying but I can live with it."

I'm a little worried that this is an excuse for something deeper, and the creative work-around will just be a bandaid. Which brings us back to... counselling!

Good luck.

dvanderwekke--

Please consider:

Your wife did not think that sending a dozen red roses to her office was a loving gesture. She liked the note in her lunch.

Please consider: the roses were a public declaration of love (which may or may not have been appropriate in a business setting). The note was private, for her eyes alone.

Were the roses just for her? Or did you want to show her female co-workers how romantic you are? Or were you showing her male co-workers that you could afford extravagant gestures?

Big spending is a sign of big spending. It may reflect financial power, but it is no indication of depth of affection or of personal worth.

If your wife does not want a dozen roses--for whatever reason--sending a dozen roses is not a romantic gesture--it is a hostile gesture.

I'm with Rae, dvander. You know what your problem is. And what you don't know, which seems to be very little, you seem quite capable of figuring out. To me, it sounds like your situation is simply a matter of doing what you should do and not doing what you know you shouldn't. How will a separation do the two of you any good? Sounds like now tho' you're just in the dog house, which is a better place to be than kicked out of the house. Now you'll talk, get yourselves on a budget and if you want to keep your marriage intact, you'd better stick to it. And whatever your issues are, ego, laziness, procrastination, whatever, get over it dvander. You say you want to keep your marriage together. So do that.
Good luck to you.

That's it. Straight to the point of it. Bottom line is I need to do this and figure out why I keep walking down the wrong road. The "Go this way" sign is always there, I just never seem to see it and make that wrong turn again.

Dave--

Just a thought after reading your thoughtful responses-- I think you may have a self-esteem issue, and rely too heavily on expensive gestures and the world's toys in proving your 'worth'.

If you can successfully take this issue by the horns, you may 'fix' your spending issues.

I wish you good luck!

I was actually reading an article regarding that last night thinking, "Could that be an issue?" I am very confident and sure when it comes to my business things. My personal life seems to be lackingin this.

If it does turn out to be your primary issue, you aren't alone. My husband is constantly dealing with it. And, I'm sure most people are either out of control in the 'spending to prove self-worth', or they are constantly striking bargains with themselves--

Our socialization is largely based on what clothes we're wearing, how well we keep up with the Joneses, how thin we are.... Stupid things. I think this is why we are the hardest working, most family neglecting society on earth.

My husband can't bear for the children to ask for something--no matter how unnecessary it is--and not be able to give it to them. This has been the worst argument in our marriage--until he went into therapy about another issue, and this one came to the fore.

People seem to find it hard to find a source of self-esteem not regulated on outer factors, like looks, money, job... True self-esteem should be based on something you cannot lose. That intrinsic inner self that makes you Dave.

We should be able to stand next to the models and millionaires in this world, and know we are equal, and even have some qualities that set us apart and make us fabulously unique. Pity that our society fights us at every turn.

(This is a big issue for me. Sorry about the speech.) :wink:

Personal advice isn't my forte, but I wonder if both of you have identified the problems. You're not over your head in debt and consider $1.35 at Dunkin Donuts borderline extravagant. Could the answer lie in your reluctance to keep her informed of what seem to be business related expenses, rather than the actual amounts being spent. Noddy is correct, of course. Living apart is definately not a solution to a financial problem.

By the way, you should really be keeping business expenses separate from personal. Separate bank accounts, for starters. There are all kinds of business reasons for this, but in your case, I think it may be helpful on the personal level. Let her audit the business if you want, but start ups are always expensive and often lose money in the short term.

The business is kept absolutly separate. Separate Bank accounts, Credit Cards, Phones, etc. In fact I am actually going to pay rent to the household for the office space and utilities.

I think the issue is how I look at certain items and their values. I may buy a $100.00 memory chip for the computer with business money. To me, $100 dollars for a memory chip is cheap and typical. I don't think anything of it, so I don't run and tell her I bought a memory chip today. But I guess when I really look at it, $100 is a grocery shopping bill that will feed us for a couple of weeks. Since we are partners in everthing she is also a partner in the business even though she does not work for the business. I probobly should be discussing all purchase before making it for 2 reasons. One - So she is aware and Two - So I readdress the purchase before it is made. It may make me think about whether or not there is a better alternative.

Dave - the memory chip is a business expense, groceries are a personal expense. You can't think about them in the same part of your brain. Roger's right about separating these things. Is your wife your employee as well? You said she does work/works for the business.

Perhaps you guys need a business/financial advisor rather than a personal counsellor. Someone who'll make sure business/personal expenses are looked at separately.


Just a note about the roses. Even if your wife didn't like getting them (the reasons for that are probably a whole issue the two of you need to sort out), I don't believe sending them was a hostile act as Noddy suggested.

ehBeth- I agree that the roses were not a hostile act, but it was rather ostentatious. Seems that Dave's wife cherishes thoughtful, private gifts more highly than public, showy ones.

My husband was big on sending roses to work, as well. I always appreciated the thought, but finally told him I am not a rose person. They are incredibly expensive not to have anything to show for it a week later.

Maybe this was Dave's wife's thought, also.

$60-$80 could afford some small trinket that wouldn't evaporate later... Come to think of it--when he sent a dozen after I'd told him how I felt, I was perplexed. It was as if his gesture had absolutely nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry, I wrote incorrectly. My wife is NOT an employee nor does she work for the company. We are merely in this together because she works fulltime to allow me the opportunity to follow my dream.

Dave, I think this is the most important thing that has been said so far:



It points to how important therapy is for getting to the bottom of things. This seems like a no-brainer -- change your spending habits -- but I keep getting hints of other issues. A few examples:

- Your wife seems to have some boundary issues. Is she a partner in the business or not? Has she done work for you or not? My impression (and correct me if I'm wrong) is that she is involved because she is your wife, and because you work from home. Not that she has actually done work for you. If so, just because you work from home doesn't mean that it's not YOUR business or that you have to tell her about every last thing you do.

- Self-confidence issues, which you have already addressed, but specifically in this context. You say that you should tell her about purchases for two reasons, the second being, "It may make me think about whether or not there is a better alternative." Why don't you trust your judgement? Why do you need your wife to tell you whether there is a better alternative, especially if (and again, if -- not sure on this count) she is not actually a part of the business? If you were working for someone else, outside of the home, would you call your wife and consult her before every decision?

- Closely related to the above, control issues. You say you have always been like this -- I get the feeling that she expected to be able to change you, and is frustrated with the lack of result. I think that perhaps your "inability to change" is the fact that you are bristling at this attempt at control, at some level. Exercising autonomy where you can.

That last one is an example of a larger issue that, if resolved, can affect the more obvious issue -- if you are feeling overly controlled by her, and take steps to solve that problem, perhaps you will find it easier to keep your spending down.

Anyway, my point is less that any of the above are correct, as that there may well be more complicated issues going on and you would be well served to find that out, with the help of therapy/ counselling.

Oh-oh. Perhaps you mentioned this earlier Dvander and I just missed it but, you say your wife works fulltime to allow you to follow your dream? That may be it in a nutshell.
You're not spending 60.00 on roses to send to her office. She is. This could be the way she sees it. You're taking HER hardearned money to showboat and make yourself look good. That's what she resents. And the fact that, altho' it was impossible for her to know that she would feel this way beforehand, she may now resent the very idea of having to work so that you could do your thing. I know it may sound small-minded but let's be honest. Does she have a dream? A business idea that she would like to pursue if only she could quit working and devote time and money to it? Is she really in your corner on this business of yours or did you cajole her into the idea with promises of immediate profit that just haven't happened yet?
I'm only guessing, putting myself in her shoes. I'm in business for myself, had always wanted my own business and I can tell you honestly and truthfully, if I was working fulltime while my husband was pursuing his dream, I would be jealous and resentful as all getout.

My wife is great. She is actually the one who talked me into following through on starting the business. I was hesitant and willing to go back working for someone if that is what needed to be done, but she pushed me to do it.

Her big dream right now is that I succeed and she can retire in 2005 and do what she wants.

I sincerely believe she is behind me 110%.

I'm seeing warning signs allllllll over the place.

Sorry.

She pushed you to do it...

HER dream is to retire by 2005...

Where are YOU in all of this?

Is she an employee in your company or not?

No she does not work for the company.

She would like to be able to do what she wants come 2005. If she wants to open a cat walking service or even help at the homeless shelter then come home and lounge by the pool, it think she has earned it. She is the princess. She deserves to be treated like one, doesn't she?

Oh... And where am I in all this? I am following my dream. I am running a company. Working my own hours and doing what I love and do best, writing awsome software for clients.

We'd all like to be doing what we want. In 2003 or 2005. I don't know if your wife has 'earned' that right, or if you have.

It does look like you have some financial issues which need to be sorted out. I would suggest professional business/financial advice.