WHY CANT'T HE JUST TALK ?

In too many cases, yes, this is normal.

I don't think men and women in general communicate on the same level. That's why we have girlfriends.

Ooh. I've never known a man who didn't shift to High Alert Status when he hears the words, "We need to talk." He probably thinks you want to talk about your relationship (shudder!) or...even worse...your feelings about it. Most men hate that. It's too heavy. They much prefer to keep things on a lighter note.

Poor guy. He was probably looking forward to a nice lunch with light, pleasant conversation. And you pulled out the big guns. No wonder he felt ambushed.

Try to save the deep conversations for your girlfriends. Women actually like to dissect relationships and talk about their emotions. Most men cannot fathom why we (voluntarily!) spend hours doing this. It makes them want to run.

When guys get together, they talk about practical things. Friendship means doing stuff together. Any discussion of emotional matters between guys is considered a "serious conversation" and is pretty rare.

I've been married for 24 years. We used to have these discussions, too. But life has been much more pleasant around our house since I stopped expecting my husband to communicate like my girlfriends.

I get scared when someone says "we need to talk"! (Or, "OK, there are some things I need to share with you.")

How about if you try skipping the intro and just launching into whatever you want to talk about? Like, "the weirdest thing happened the other day!" or "I'm really excited about the aviary! What kind of bird do you think we should get first?" or whatever.

If you want to talk, and you know what he's willing to talk about, I'd suggest starting there and then branching out through positive reinforcement. As in, after talking about the aviary for a while... "Hey, that was really nice to just kind of hang out and not talk about the kids or money or whatever, I enjoyed that." If he sees it as something mutually enjoyable and not a trap, I'd bet he'd be more amenable to talking more in general.

Thanks SOOO much this is sooo helpful, Eva and Soz.

I think with creers, kids and marriage I have not had a chance to have girlfriends and I expect him to do that for me. Be my girlfriend too. On the other hand he also expects me to be his boyfriend also. How can I do both. I really don't like birds in aviary, I prefer the ones out flying. And I prefer the hybrid cars over the BIG Names.

Do you have any shared interests?

As in, if you aren't interested in any of the subjects he wants to talk about, maybe he's not interested in any of the subjects you want to talk about... and then you're just left with money and kids.

Isn't there anything interesting to you about building an aviary? That sounds really interesting to me! (Why an aviary? Does he have a story as to how he became interested? How big? Where? How many birds? What kinds of birds? Will he be breeding them? Will he be selling them? Etc., etc...)

I disagree that it's "to heavy".

"We need to talk" - whether it comes from a spouse, S/O or boss - is rarely followed by good news.

9 times out of 10 it is "We need to talk - the process server will be here to serve you with divorce papers in a few minutes", "We need to talk. Your stuff is all out in the front yard and you aren't welcome back in your own home.", "We need to talk, I've been screwing your best friend for the last 3 years.", "We need to talk. You're being laid off effective immediately.", etc...

That cringing you see is him bracing for the hammer that he knows is about to fall on him. It's a learned response.

"We need to talk." is in the same category as "It's not you, it's me" from the dating world. It's a setup and everyone knows it.

You'd think women would have caught on to this decades ago but if you are going to use the phrase at least finish it with something that gives him a clue what it is you want to talk about. "We need to talk." sucks. "We need to talk about the car.", "We need to talk about our bills.", "We need to talk about how the kids are doing in school.", "We need to talk about our vacation plans.", etc... are all acceptable. The momentary horror of the "We need to talk..." part will quickly fade.

How did Chris Rock put it?
"When they say, "We need to talk" what they really mean is "we need to talk about all of the stuff that's wrong with you!"

Oh yeah. I shut down too when it is delivered that way.

To be fair, some men are as bad with this as some women. Thinking of someone I know!

"There's something I need to tell you" as I take a bite of food into my mouth.
"Oh. No. Hold on. Hang on a minute here." as I feel my heart ready to hit the roof.
"I finally saw that movie you were telling me about."

Fall. Stagger. Laugh. Bastard!

Dr. Mom, what is this stuff you want to share with him? Is it chat and getting-along-happily-bonding-talking-stuff or issues/problems that you want to bring up?

Little Johnny never said a word. His parents took him to multiple doctors and phychologists and had extensive testing done, and could find nothing wrong.

They resigned themselves to the fact Johnny was mute.

One day, while eating dinner, Johnny said "Food's cold"

His parents were shocked and amazed.

"Johnny, you speak perfectly! Why didn't you ever speak before?"



"Food was never cold before"

I think in my husbands case it is a fact that I learned too late not to pile it all on in one big heap. I am the type of person that deals with things and deals with things and then I can't stand it any longer and it all comes out in one big rush. My husband just cannot handle it. Not to mention when I come to him with stuff he immediately wants to "fix" it. So he is either overwhelmed by my spew or feels helpless at his inability to fix what I am telling him.

Most of the stuff I am burdened with is either stuff he is unable to fix at the time, or that he just can't fix because it really is just me being O.C. mental on him. So I have had to learn to sort out whether I am just wanting him to listen to me and so I preface with, " I know there is nothing we can do about this but I need you to listen to me." Other things I do need fixed and I generally try to prepare him by saying," I have been trying to take car of this for a while and I need help. can you...yadda yadda yadda." His response has been much better since I have kind of compartmentalized things for him. And breaking it down and not heaping it all at once...that is also something I have tried to be better about.

If upon reflection I see it is me just having a gripe session, I try to sit on it until I can find a way to bring it up constructively and not whiney or nagging. If it is really a problem and I need him to help me fix it, I help him switch gears and prep him about what I am going to talk to him about. Sometimes he just doesn't want to hear it because it is going to screw up his Saturday College Football...and unfortunately...sometimes there is just no help for that!

You're right, fishin'. "We need to talk" does imply criticism or bad news.

"We never really TALK" is another way we often put it. This comes across as whiny and needy, so it's self-defeating as well.

"Why don't you ever talk to me about important stuff?" is the worst. It's classic miscommunication, and it just confuses men. What women and men consider "important" in conversation is entirely different. I mean, for crying out loud, didn't he just tell you he was putting your car in the shop tomorrow for repairs? That's important!

Women form (and nurture) friendships with other women through long and intimate conversations. They wrongly assume this is also the way to get closer to men. But men don't work that way. If and when they do have intimate conversations, it's only AFTER they already feel close. (Or if they're desperate for attention. )

Talk about what?

Oh yeah, mismi! The "fix-it" thing. That never ends, does it!

Despite the fact that Hubby knows I hate for him to rush in and "fix" things for me as if I can't figure it out myself, he still tries. Better sources than I have told him innumerable times that women who complain are generally looking for empathy, not rescue. And I keep reminding him that I don't want him to do anything except listen. Still, it is a compulsion. He is an engineering type. He sees a problem, he instinctively analyzes it and proposes solutions. He can't stop himself.

I finally realized something. (Duh.)

It means he loves me.

See, the world is full of problems he could solve, but he would rather work on mine. He wants things to be right for me. He may ignore calls from his office when they want him to solve problems, and he may avoid the neighbors when he suspects they want him to do something, but he is always ready to fix whatever is bothering me.

He's a sweet guy, really. I'm a lucky gal.











Now, if I can just get him to...LISTEN.

Trust me, p'dog. You don't wanna know. :wink:

Exactly! To all of the above.

Her: "You know how I told you about So and So last week, well, she came in my office today and asked me AGAIN how to ..... Gawd! How many times do I have to ..."

Him: "Just tell her next time she needs to read the handbook."

Her: thinking (he's not hearing me. I don't want a solution, I want to vent.)

Him: "By the way, I'm taking your car in for repairs in the morning."

There's that. Then there's the deeper conversation she desires:

Her: "I really need to talk."

Him: (cringing) "Um, okay."

Her: "I was reading about this new relaxation method that involves meditation on blah blah blah blah blah."

Him: (eyes glazing over, trying to pay attention, can't stop checking the tv.) Provides a well placed "hmm-hmm."

Her: "Did you even hear what I asked you?"

Him: "Yes, of course. I was just, um, well I thought I saw something about..."

Her: "Oh! Never mind. You never listen to me."

Or the reverse:

Her: You know, that bathroom isn't going to clean itself!

Him: That's interesting dear. I wonder why they don't make a self-cleaning bathroom.

Her: Get your f&%^ing a$$ in there and clean that damn bathroom!



You try to listen and emapthize but a guy just can't win!

Being invited "to talk" would/does freak me out.

Why can't he just talk? Seems it's because the two of you are out of practice just easing naturally into conversation.

There's some truth in all this, and some not.. not all guys can't talk.

Question - can a2k guys talk more than some other guys? Let me guess, some do, some don't.

Guys can (often) talk extremely well re what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it. Women, even if they don't feel like talking, can (often) work up to it in a few seconds.

Gross generalizations, of course.