Friendship delimma

LibertyD--

Happy birthday, and sorry for the crappy party.

I think you've gotten some good advice. The best line (paraphrasing) If you can survive this bitchfest, you may be perfecting this friendship. She may have felt so close to you, that she was completely uninhibited and felt (too) comfortable being herself. She wasn't thinking of you--but you describe such a close, long friendship with her--it seems like one to try to hang on to. I do sorta think she's only culpable of a real atrocity if you had taken her aside, and told her how you felt about her narrative. Since you didn't, she's just guilty of thoughtlessness and rudeness. Hey. Aren't we all, at some time? (Just too bad she chose your birthday. )

I don't know how rough the e-mail was that you zinged at her. I think, if I were you (if you've cooled off), you may want to think about a softer one. She may think you've already written her off. And, she may be completely humiliated. (Which is a good thing, IMO.)

Maybe, something along the lines that you're still pissed, but the crisis has passed. "Let me know when you want to fight it out over lunch or drinks. Bring dueling dildos--I'm going to cram one in a place you'll never quite forget. Then, you'll really have something to talk about--but you better not do it at my next birthday party."

On second thought, you may not want to say that--

Anyhoo-- Hope it works out.

Sofia, wanna fight? LOL

I'll bring my rainbow assortment! Only the rubber ones! No battery operated allowed. Marquis of Queensbury Rules an' all.

But I just got a stock of batteries on sale at Radio Shack. Waaaah.

We had things going on both outside and inside, and I felt responsible (as the hostess of this shindig) for making sure there was plenty of food and wine in both spots. And if I ran into one of her "dildo" conversations and felt the need to stop it -- like I said -- I'd end up talking to someone else and get emersed in that conversation etc. If that's a crime, then I suck (and aparently, a lot of you women think I do.)

And yes she is a free spirit, but smart enough to know better than to talk about dildos in a room full of mostly married men.

About kissing MY butt good bye -- as one person said, I can't be the hostess and the center of attention, so why are you people expecting me to be a baby sitter to a grown woman at the same time?

Jeez -- she's already got a mamma -- and it's not me.

And yes, we all make an ass of ourselves sometimes, but how many of you have gone to a friend's party and talked about jacking yourself off all night?

Maybe I'm the one missing out on something here?

About the men complaining -- I'll agree it's totally lame. "She was making my penis hard all night and all I thought of was sex." boohoo

But when they were with their wives and didn't know I had a porno show going on, I can kind of understand.

Kind of.

You don't suck, LibertyD.

I apologize if I was too flip.

It wasn't you, Sofia -- I liked your post! (dueling dildos? heehee)

Oh LibertyD, I'm afraid that we have made light of your dilemma. It had to hurt and you must be terribly upset. Why don't you just vent here and give it time?
You said that she normally would have replied to your email by now. Do you think she is simply too embarrassed or that she is so angry with you that she has written you off? I think the answer to that question will say volumes about the kind of friend she is. Hopefully, a BIG aplogy is coming your way and the two of you can make a new start on your friendship. If she comes around, this can become a major, and positive, lesson in maturity and in the true meaning of friendship.
BTW, I would have been furious. I just feel that you should consider the circumstances and forgive, but not condone.

Sounds like someone you consider a close friend and enjoy having frank conversations with. Right now there is an awkward silence between the two of you while you each wait for the other to make a move.

If it is a friendship you value and wish to salvage then write a second email to her and tell her that you've cooled off and would like an opportunity to discuss the incident over lunch. This leaves the door open for her to swallow her embarrassment and apologize for her behavior.

Maybe she's waiting for you to give a signal that you've cooled off before she attempts to offer an apology. If it is a friendship you don't place much value on and don't really wish to salvage, then leave things as they are. Don't give any signals.

I'm sure she's embarassed (my email was pretty harsh) and probably doesn't know what to say. I'm not sure that I've cooled off enough to even look at her, but part of the reason that I'm so upset is that we have been friends for a long time. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered getting this mad.

That ^^^ doesn't make you a bad person, LibertyD. I also don't think it makes her a bad person. She may be incredibly dense about social cues, but not a bad person. At least not from what you've told us about her.

Overall, it seems like you were a good hostess that evening. In the scheme of things, it's a <<shrug>>. By that, I mean, if you found out tomorrow that she was horribly ill, would you write her off? If you found out tomorrow that you were horribly ill, would you hope that she was still your friend and that she'd come and help you fight with doctors? Perhaps Diane is more right about the 'old broad' thing than I thought. I do know that as I get older, the bigger picture in terms of friendship becomes more important to me. It may be that this incident is a deal-breaker for you, but I think you'd have to think about why.

ahhhhhhh, you posted while I was agonizing about how to phrase that. I wish I had Diane's gift of language. The female friendship thing. <<sigh>> Very tricky. So many things to balance.

I don't get the feeling that LibertyD actually thinks it's a deal-breaker (correct me if I'm wrong), just that she's really really mad for both logical and illogical reasons. I definitely think more talk is in the offing, but that's the feeling I get from LD too. I think this is less about "should I cut her out of my life forever?" as "Does anybody else understand why I would be pissed?"

I do. Again, empirical rights and wrongs aside, I understand how that could happen and how it could end up the kind of thing that makes you mad, even if it happened in a slippery slope-ish way -- not so bad, not so bad, then hey waidaminnit WHAT just happened?

LibertyD -- Thanks for the invite! I'd love to come to a Girls' Night. Just let me know a week or so in advance. Oh - mind if I bring my dildo?

Seriously, this isn't worth cutting her off forever. Just don't invite her to parties with men anymore. If it had been all women there, she wouldn't have monopolized the conversation. Someone would have stopped her. Funny how different we are when men are around.

LMAO Eva! Maybe we should have a lingeree party of our own, huh? And yes, the men are the ones with whom we have to watch our conversation.

"Writing her off" was a very poor choice of words, on my part. Fealola asked earlier if she gave any indication of bad behavior before, which I should have taken as a sign of future bad behavior, and yes...but it's never been this inapropriate. And at the risk of sounding sappy here, I really do enjoy different types of people in my life, which is one reason I've overlooked her loud mouth.

But I also don't think I'm wrong to expect certain levels of good behavior and I think that just like some people think that I "should have known" about her, she "should have known" about my wishes.

And I know I'm probably going over the edge in the anger department here, but it's more than her being the center of attention. Like I said, she's extremely attractive and is usually the center of attention just because of that. I'm comfortable enough with myself for that not to bother me.

I'm still mad because it wasn't her looks, but the fact that she took girl-talk to the boys and even had my husband wanting to know more about how she pleasured herself. And it just made it worse that it was my birthday.

I'm going around in circles, it appears, and like Diane suggested, just need to cool off. Thanks to you guys for letting me vent here.

Sooooo, how many nights has your hubby slept in the dog house for his part of the antics?

Sounds like you might need some venting on that subject too. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the sting you are feeling is from HIS performance that night. Have you talked with him yet about his culpability?

Oh yeah, butrflynet -- I haven't let him get away with anything!

I'd be talking about writing him off, too, if there wasn't that legal tie in my way.

I've also thought, as a result of being mad at both of them, about how men tend to get off on bad behavior like that just because "the poor buggers can't help it." Not my hubby, though -- he's paying dearly for contributing to making me feel like leftovers on my birthday.

I hope I don't sound completely vain, here -- I swear I'm not usually an attention hog -- but I think that it's a common tradition (at least w/me) for anyone to feel like they're the center of attention on the anniversary of their being born into the world. Especially from their loved ones. And it was my first attempt at a birthday party for myself in years -- actually, my last party was my sweet 16, and I'm now 34.

boohoo

I was so busy thinking about 'a party faux pas' from the 'friendship' angle, I ignored the 'sex talk possibly arousing husband' angle.

This may be the biggie. And, yes, I would be very upset. I may feel 'less than', or sorta cheated on (mentally?) BUT WITH NO ONE TO BLAME!!! INFURIATING.

Really, men are helpless victims when it comes to sex talk by beautiful women. Hell, ugly women would probably do it, too. Our husbands are surely held responsible for 'their actions', but who could blame a man for being aroused by a beautiful woman, who talked of her masturbation all night.

I can see now how you must feel. This is one of those infuriating, demeaning things, where someone must pay!!!! Do you think you may be this mad because she may have innocently, but stupidly turned your husband on? I think I would have a hard time dealing with that, as well.

Actually, I dispatched friends with haste when I felt a line had been crossed in the direction of my husband. I don't know if I would react the same now, that I am older and not so hot blooded.

I refreshed and see Butrfly has headed in this direction.

That makes me SO mad -- they are so dominated by their testosterone that they get away with that excuse. Like I said to butrfly, I'm not letting hubby-poo try that crap with me.

I actually got an email from a guy whining about that -- "It isn't torture to hear an attractive woman talking about getting herself off all night, but I couldn't think of anything else."

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm divided on whether (on my friend's part) she was doing it out of stupidity or not. I think it was sheer stupidity...BUT, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

And even though the poor little men at the party have a hard time (no pun intended) keeping themselves under control, they have laws to obey, too.

By God!