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Wed 6 Aug, 2003 01:13 pm
I have a painful personal delimma, and need advice and maybe even a little support on.
My birthday was Saturday, and I had a party for the first time in years (b-day party, that is). I invited mostly family and very close friends – there were about 15 people there. Some of the family who came were meeting my husband for the first time and seeing my home for the first time. My best friend – more like a little sister – has a reputation for having a big mouth, but that’s always been one of the things I liked about her and have defended her on. We’ve been friends for about seven years and I’ve come to count on her for a lot. At my party, though, I thought she completely went over the line, and wanted to see if any impartial parties agree with my feelings.
She went to a “lingeree” party on Friday, and was very impressed with all the toys offered there. She bought a couple, got one for me for a joke birthday gift, and when she came to my house after the party talking about that stuff, we had fun laughing and making fun – girlie talk.
But then, she shows up for my birthday/homewarming party the next night still talking about all the cool sex toys she found, which ones she tried out and liked, etc., and literally did not stop talking about it from 7 PM until 3 AM, when I finally had the chance to tell her to shut the f*** up about it. Earlier in the night, when I would notice that someone needed to shut her up, I’d get way layed by someone (who was probably just trying to escape from her). By then, every male was fantasizing about her conversation and every female was extremely uncomfortable. Even my husband, on MY birthday, was more interested in continuing the conversation about her sex toys than having anything to do with me.
I didn’t realize it was so bad for some until I actually got complaints over the next couple of days, from male and female alike. People said, “I had a great time but I wonder about your girlfriend and her choice in conversation.”
Needless to say, I’m embarassed, humiliated, and just plain pissed off that I gave her credit for having more class than that. I wrote her a scathing email and I’m still so pissed that I just want to completely write her off. To me, that behavior is inexcusable and the thought of seeing her again makes me angry. I’m also hurt at the loss of trust.
What would you guys do? Write her off completely or not?
tacky perhaps but not up to the "write-off" stage, but i am saying that because she seemed to have an audience which kept her talking ergo its not totally her fault.
Quote:Needless to say, I'm embarassed, humiliated, and just plain pissed off that I gave her credit for having more class than that.
I'd feel exactly the same way. I'd want to write her off. The problem is how. If you're a direct person and feel comfortable with it, do it.
She sound like an impulsive person. Who knows what's next. Big mouth is one thing, and can be amusing but this was totally BAD FORM.
Has she ever gotten this close to crossing the line before? Sometimes you get clues to future behavior that you see in retrospect.
dyslexia wrote:tacky perhaps but not up to the "write-off" stage, but i am saying that because she seemed to have an audience which kept her talking ergo its not totally her fault.
She expressed no consideration what so ever for her friend and hostess.
Doing this in front of people she never met and especially Liberty's relatives is beyond tacky. This is a person without boundries.
I wouldn't write her off completely, for a couple of reasons. First of all, you say you "gave her credit for having more class than that". However, the rest of your story indicates that "every male" and your husband seemed to enjoy her conversation quite thoroughly. It takes more than one person to have a conversation - it seems to me that the men in this story (assuming you are right about them) don't have any class either.
Are you going to write them off? Did you tell your husband that you were uncomfortable that he continued to have a converstaion of a sexual nature with your friend? Are you going to write him off?....nah....
Secondly, if it was that upsetting it shouldn't have mattered who was there - you should have march right over and called her out. But you didn't. It also seems no one else there had the sack to tell her to shut up either.
I don't think it's a trust issue. She didn't tell them your deepest darkest secrets, she didn't selfishly stay away from your party because she was busy with her new toys....it seems to me that this woman's biggest problem is her need to be the constant focus of attention.
So - I'd still be friends with her or at least see if the friendship will last after a b*tchfest about how you 'didn't want to hear about her toys at your party all night and what the he11 is wrong with her anyway.'
If she's a good friend in other ways the friendship can be saved - just make sure to keep your ears open and your own opinions known to her before it gets so out of control.
If talking about sex toys at your party is the worst of it, well, in the grand scheme of things, that's nothing.
I'm dum so I ahve no adviss but I jes wonted tew say happy b-day.
I agree with Sugar and Dys that your guests gave her an audience and were also rude.
Perhaps you or someone else should have said something at the time, but that's very hard to do when you're the host and trying to keep everybody happy.
I can see Sugars case to keep the friendship going -- but be cautious and yes, Sugar is correct, speak up before things get out of control. You'll find out soon enough if it is worth it.
I'm with Sugar on this one.
And a question: what bothered you more, your friend's behavior or the commentaries after the party?
BTW, Happy Birthday.
I had my birthday party Saturday too (but my birthday was Monday, so I cheated a little)! Loverly day for a party.
Happy Birthday!
Sorry bout the knee jerk reaction, but I reaaaalllly "felt your pain"
Besides, it was your birthday, and YOU should have been the center of attention!
Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday!! Your friend was clearly rude, and your guests, but as for chucking the friendship, here is one thought: It seems both of you wanted to be the center of attention for the night, so what pisses you off more, her behaviour, or the fact that she distracted from the focus on you? If the two of you could talk about that in a rational manner, I think the friendship is salvageable. So, I am with Sugar on this too.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GIRLFRIEND!!!
(And BTW, thanks for not inviting me!
What a jerk.)
Thanks for the happy birthday wishes and happy birthday to you too, Sugar!
(thanx fur thu nis thot, kravun)
Yes, I did bitch out my husband (at 3 AM when I told my friend to shut up) and have continued to do so for the past few days.
About the audience -- on one hand I completely agree that they were accomplices, too. BUT, she's also the kind who hijacks a conversation and doesn't stop long enough for someone to change the topic. For instance, at the end of the night a few of us were talking and she interrupts in the middle of my contribution to the converstion to talk about her dildo -- I keep going and ignore her, which is where my husband messed up (big time).
(sigh) anyway, this is so Jerry Springer...
And about being the center of attention -- okay, it WAS my birthday so I may be guilty of that, but honestly I just wanted everyone to relax and enjoy themselves and yes I do admit that her being the center of attention bothered me. BUT it wouldn't have been as painful if she would have gotten attention for her looks or her *intelligent* conversation -- but when I lose out to someone else's dildos -- you bet I'm upset over it.
Thanks Eva! I should have invited you (and thought about it but wasn't sure you'd come) because aside from Madame X, here, you would have had a great time! You definately need to come to our next girl's night!
Typical attention hog, it sounds like. As some of your guests did complain, the issue totally had to be addressed. Well...you have a one-up on her, a husband. I don't know all the facts, but all-night dildo-talk sounds like 'desperate single broad' to me, but if I am wrong, let me know.
Just speaking for the mins, okay okay, I don't blame you for chewing out your hubby but...sometimes it is just amusing to watch a train wreck in action, so we indulge it
I am certain he meant no harm.
Sugar is Leofolk too? Happy birthday! Dang...that reminds me, better remember to send my mom an e-card on the 18th...you Leos are everywhere, aren't you?
Was Madame X (-rated) drinking? Would this account in part for the uninhibited nature of her conversation?
Are you angry with her because she behaved like a rip-roaring jackass? Or because you feel her behavior somehow reflected poorly on you as her friend?
How much is primal rage because your husband--and the other men--obviously found her entertaining? Further, your husband "permitted" rudeness to you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you didn't throw a birthday party for your guests to spend the entire evening adoring you and you alone. Madame X (-rated) contributed to the festivity and thanks to her shenanigans your birthday party will probably be remembered and the subject of gossip for weeks to come. In some circles, this would be highly desirable.
You can't be both a Hostess and a Guest of Honor. You spent the evening being courteous to Madam X (-rated). Take a look at her behavior when sober and figure out what you would miss if she were no longer a friend. Then make your decision.
cavfancier wrote:but all-night dildo-talk sounds like 'desperate single broad' to me, but if I am wrong, let me know.
Actually, she honestly looks almost exactly like Catherine Zeta-Jones, and her boyfriend is a prominent athelete...so there's absolutely NO desperation going on there. Just ego.
And that's one of the things I've loved about her -- a good combination of ego and humility (until my f***** party)
I'm starting to feel better -- you know, it's different getting an opinion from my online friends rather than those who have to look at my face every day.
I've always thought I wouldn't give up a really close girlfriend for anything else, but this episode took the cake. But part of my pain isn't vanity, it's losing a girlfriend, so it's good to get your input.
Oookay....as a min, I have to ask....Catherine-Zeta Jones pre or post Michael Douglas?
She sounds very insecure (her behaviour technically exhibits id, not ego, id being the primal infant motivation to satisfy your base instincts and desires for self-gratification, but that's just a picky point)...perhaps she is afraid she is losing her looks?
Noddy, you are correct in assuming that the party wasn't thrown for my adoration. We actually entertain often, but this was a special night (home-warming as well as birthday). But as far as the gossip being a good thing -- I found out yesterday that the friends I was mad at for wanting to leave to go to "the club" actually went home -- they just wanted to leave because she was annoying (which is my fault).
As a hostess, I want all of my guests, male or female, to feel special. And even though I felt that I should have priority in the attention department simply because it was my birthday, it's more important that everyone feel special. And most people know I feel that way, but my friend wasn't contributing to that feeling.
If it were just a usual party, it wouldn't have pissed me off so bad. But the fact that it was my birthday, it did make me mad not that I wasn't the center of attention but, like I said, that *everything* else (not only me) took back-seat to her masturbation techniques.
Cav, it depends on how much she works out. heehee
She's young (25) so I'd have to say pre-MD.
And how silly of me to confuse ego with id -- thanks for the correction!
Insecurity could be right -- not about her looks but she feels dumb, although she isn't. But talking about vibrators all night certainly made her look that way.
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