Confused over grieving widow

i just want to say that i have been going through the SAME thing. literally - we could be the same person with the same emotions and experiences. and i just wanted to impart that her guilt over not wanting to make a decision right now may actually encourage her to make the wrong one...ie run away. this very well could have nothing to do with you or your relationship or compatability...and nothing to do with her wanting to be friends. this is not to give you false hope - but it is impossible to know what she is thinking...for you AND for her. there is just too much muddling of the issues due to the grief and fear.

that said, i do know that YOU can make a very distinct choice here. you can walk away completely - hurt and heart broken and angry. or you can stand in there and do the one thing she wants most, but expects least - stay. tell her you agree with her decision, that you know she isn't ready, and BELIEVE it. relieve all pressure and expectation. be the best friend and best man you can be (get back to what YOU love as an individual....get your own life back starting right now!). have fun with her. lessen her grief by being the person in her life who cares so much to listen to her, respond to her. don't be a doormat. do your own thing, have your own life - but stand in there and let her observe it while still feeling your care for her. by doing this, three things happen. one, you lighten the mood again. you give her a place to laugh. and that IS love in action. two, she will begin to see how her mourning has actually prevented her from being with an amazingly caring person. this may not happen today or tomorrow, but it will happen. at some point the fog will lift and she will see what she has done...and in that her desire to heal should be augmented. again - this is you being loving in a very non-judgmental, non-pressuring kind of way. three - you reclaim your own life and individuality. in the event things work out, this will help the relationship. in the event things don't, you have already uncoupled and can move ahead.

and i know this all sounds mad. trust me, i so know. it will often feel futile and confusing and the absolute worst idea for yourself...but when you are in love someone who is sick...emotionally ill...a tremendous amount of selflessness is required. and i do not mean being a doormat. you have every right to set expectations and boundaries - and tell her those as they arise. she needs to start hearing that loved ones have expectations of her.

end of the day, based on what i've seen, i doubt she even knows what she wants right now - widows who ask for space AND say that love you - generally mean this is moving too fast, i'm not ready. you can hang in there and be the person she could re-fall in love with. you don't have to be, you can choose to find someone who can love you completely now. but you CAN wait for the day when she has the capacity to do that. and if you do (wait to see), live the best life you can in the interim. make a list of everything you want in your life and start going after them one thing at a time. in that, you yourself will be growing and healing at the same time she is. who knows the possibilities from that perspective.

I have 2 friends that are currently in the grieving process; one lost his wife, the other lost one of her daughters. The one thing that I can tell you for certain about grief is that it sometimes pops up suddenly, without warning and is a continuous process. Experts used to thing that people went through the stages of grieving in order. Now it is well known that they can go back and forth between stages, every person is different as related to how long it takes them to become whole again, etc. If you really love this person, then definately give her the time and space that she has asked for. She will love you more for it in the end.

Hi Joe,
Came across your post from a few years back and was amazed how closely it echoes what I am currently going through. Hope I'm not being insensitive by asking if things improved over time? If you didn't get back together, were you able to remain the good friends that she wanted? I too have fallen in love with a grieving widow and was in tears when I read your final post as it is more or less where I am right now - hurt, confused, devastated, depressed - grieving is the only word for it although I know her feelings for her lost husband must be a hundred times worse. It is like a switch has been flicked. We had a cozy Christmas eve at my home then spent Christmas day with my family and had a fantastic time. My parents and siblings adore her and the feeling seems to be mutual. New Years we spent alone together at her place. We even talked about going away for a winter break. Then for some reason mid way through January our Saturday nights stopped. Then a midweek rendezvous was cancelled and the texts and calls dried up. Our next couple of meetings ended in cuddles and tears and it all came out: she felt confused and alone; she couldn't understand why her husband had died; sometimes she wondered if she had actually been married at all; she felt like she had just been going through the motions with me; she couldn't be what I wanted her to be; she didn't see us as being long term. Listening to all this hurt like hell especially after the great times we've had and how special she made me feel when we were together. She always made me feel so good about myself. Knowing that she still feels so sad just tears me up inside. It's been about four weeks now. I cry a lot and cannot bear being on my own. It has helped a bit to read the words of advice and encouragement you received from others that had gone through the same experience - they are all truly wonderful people for taking the time out. I know that I have to give her the time and space that she needs but it doesn't stop me thinking about her every minute of every day. I know that nothing I say or do is going to make any difference although I am constantly analysing every aspect of our relationship. Sometimes I convince myself that it is probably for the best. We have had an imitate relationship for a year which started six months after the tragic loss of her husband of ten years, however, I have been kept very definitely separate from her "normal" life. It's almost been like a secret affair. Far from perfect I know, but I keep coming back to the same conclusion - what we had is too good to give up on. I've told her that I am willing to wait for her but she seems to recoil from that telling me she doesn't want me to wait for her. I cannot understand why she should not want us to continue being happy together at some point in the future. I know she still cares for me but have I just become a burden to her i.e. someone else to keep happy when right now all she can worry about is herself? All along I have tried to play by her rules by not making long term plans for us and not pressuring her into doing anything she doesn't want to. We haven't lived in each others pockets. I don't see that I am expecting too much of her but that seems to be what she is saying. Where I am right now really is a horrible place to be so I truly hope things worked out for you and you eventually found love and happiness.

Atticus,
I hope you will not give up.

I am in a wonderful relationship today with a man. He makes me very happy.

But, my wonderful husband died almost 5 years ago. Tonight I burst out crying - for what reason, I don't know.

Let her know that you are her TODAY man but give her lots of space.

Hi Punkey,

Thanks for the quick reply. I hope I can provide that wonderful relationship for her like you have. I hope I can make her happy. I don't want to give up but this not knowing and not being able to help is having a big effect on me. The thing is, right now she doesn't seem to want to be totally happy! We had a lovely talk on the phone a couple of nights ago and then dinner at my place the following night. She was great - it was just like old times. Inevitably, come the end of the night, we talked about us and the tears came. She told me that our brief separation has been a relief to her - not having to worry about texting, calling or seeing me. She said that right now she can't be dealing with another man when all she wants is to be at home on her own and try to remember her husband. She's frightened of forgetting him. She's worried that she is betraying him by seeing me. She's concerned about his reaction. Her husband died very suddenly at home and she keeps replaying the events of the tragic day in her mind like a home movie. Even things she knows she didn't even see. He was young and shouldn't have died. She is still bitter about the circumstances of his death and the way in which it was all handled on the day. It was heartbreaking to hear her sobbing about being ignored by the medics as she stood waiting to accompany her husband in the ambulance. Is making herself upset like this what she needs to do in order to work through her grief?

Give the moody bee-yatch a taste of her own medicine by slamming the door in HER face by not answering her phone calls, texts and emails..

Atticus - INSIST she go to grief counseling. All her feelings are quite normal and she needs time and space to sort them out and other people to talk to who have gone through the SAME thing.

Love isn't always on time (song lyric) and you may just be there at the wrong time of her life.

She does need FRIENDs right now, and if that if good enough for you, then hang in there. I suggest that you date others and consider her a friend right now. She just does not seem ready for what you want. Sorry.

What does she have to do before you get the message mate, hire a plane to tow a banner reading "ATTICUS WE'RE THROUGH!"

Hey Atticus, I'm going through EXACTLY the same scenario you have written about, almost word for word. It's scary how common this situation plays itself out. We're one week into a "give her space" period with no contact what so ever and it's gut wrenching. Am curious how thing played out with your situation since your post in march?

Am looking for an ounce of hope !

Barebud

Well that's plain enough, she doesn't want a heavy 24/7 relationship and just wants to hook up with you once or twice a week, you lucky guy!
I've been trying to find a woman like that for years..

Hi Barebud,

I'm trying to find consultation online too. I have met my love in a very strange way. He was seeking an au pair for his two young children and I, a host family so that I could travel. His wife died too young about 8 months before we met. We fell in love almost immediately and it has been incredibly beautiful. First of all, we haven't even met in person since he is on the other side of the world. I am set to leave in 3 weeks. Secondly, today is their wedding anniversary and it makes me crazy that I can't take away his grief. It also makes me feel like he'll never feel the same way about me as he did about his wife and that is extremely heartbreaking. I don't really know how to deal with this. I know that widows and widowers deserve to love and be loved again but I am afraid that I cannot and will not compare. How do other people deal with this? I know I am months late on your post but I'm wondering if you've had any luck?

Beautifully written. 5 years later and I am taking that same advice. Thank you.