Confused over grieving widow

I think she is right on the money is saying she needs space right now. I'd give it to her. You can still love her and do things together, but back off a bit on the couple part, let her come to you.

She hasn't yet had the opportunity to work through the real loss of companionship of her deceased husband. She had you there to help her through the tough stages. Now she needs time to figure out what she really needs for herself.

Be supportive (as it sounds like you have been) Give her a bit more space for a while, continue being her friend. She will come back around. She just needs a little more time.

Hi MM,

You know I really know that already! You are so right. I know she cares a lot for me and that is part of thhe problem for her (Guilt). I will give her tons of space to let her finish her grieving and time to me us(I hope). We are very close and I know she knows we are good for each other. I cannot "fix" her grief, it is persoanl and only she can do that. Your insight and advice confirms what I know I need to do. It is just difficult when you love someone and you see them hurting. I don't want to give her more hurt. Thanks so much for your kind words

You are very welcome. I wish you heaps of good luck as you both work through this tough time

I thank you. I never knew this would be so difficult!!!! I guess if we can make it through this we will have a great chance of having a fantastic healthy relationship together

Has she looked into grief therapy? Sometimes an unconnected 3rd party to pour your heart out to helps a lot. There are therapists who specialize in spousal death and can help her get over her guilt, which is a natural consequence of the situation.

From your description, she is not ready for the same level of commitment as you are. If you want to have her when she is ready you need to back off and let her grief flow out of her. She has conficted feelings at this time. If you suffocate her, she will push you away.

Encourage grief counseling for her. Don't be surprised if she asks for some space.

Hi Sullyfish,
I agree with you. I do want her and I have backed off. I know she needs to let go of the grief and have tried to be supportive in that direction. She has already asked for space and that is where we are at this point. I wont text or call her and I am waiting for her to reach out back to me. By conflicted feeling do you mean that she has feelings for us both and that bothers her? I truly belives that she does care for me and I think that is another part of the problem. It is just reall difficult to see someone you love hurting. It is also very difficultto be away from her after all the time we have spent together also daily at least to talk. Thanks for the help

No she hasn't and I have tried to get her to go. She is the type that keeps everything inside I know her daughter is trying to get her to go. She has a 18 year old daughter and we are very close. She talks to me almost everyday. She keeps asking me not to give up on her mom which makes it difficult as well. She says she is very confused. So you think part of the problem is her having feelings for me? Should I break up with her for her own good? I would miss her deeply but love her enough to move on if it would be better for her. Thanks for the help!

She has not grieved properly. It's an open sore. She needs professional help in doing this BEFORE she even has the capabilty to open her heart to you completely.

You two are not at the same level for commitment.

You are going to have to be patient. Insist that she resolve her past.

THEN she will be ready for you.

Try couples therapy - with a therapist that deals with grief. The therapist will pick up on her past and help her put her grief in a safe place for her.

Hi Sullyfish

Do you really think it should be me that does the therapy with her or soemone like her daughter thatt makes it a little more safe for her?

I am really willing to do this but I think I am a threat because she does have feelings for me. Since she is conflicted I feel like being around me now, especially since I am giving her space until she feels comfortable to see me again, causes her to be more confused. When she is with me it seems as if she is trying to hold back her feelings for me when normally she is so affectionate and warm.

Hi MM,

I really appreciate your correspondence. I know you are right but I am having a really tough time trying to give the space. After being together almost everyday for all this time, I miss her so badly. My stomach is in knots and I can't get her off my mind. If this keeps up I will be the one needing a counselor.

Welcome to A2K SurfsUp

ahhhh... I think maybe reading your words can help with your perspective here. It's terribly hard when you want to be with someone and you can see a future ahead - but they are not in the same space as you. Timing!

A friend of mine lost her husband around 20 months ago. She still misses him every day and it's hard to move on with life, kids, everything - leave alone forge ahead with a relationship.

This is only my opinion - from your words you say that you know how much she cares for you. This may give her feelings of guilt... you know, like a betrayal of the feelings she had for her husband. Of course, from the outside, it's easy for us to say she shouldn't have any guilt and that life is for living and all that.... but from the inside - she may just not be able to commit herself to anyone else at this time.

As you said, you were there after her husband died - and this in some ways could either make it easier for her, or harder for her to be in a long term relationship with you. I wouldn't like to give an opinion on that.

For you....... well, you've said a few times 'should you walk away for her good' - in my opinion - no, no-one should walk away from the person they love - giving them the space they need to grow and come to terms with their grief is not walking away. Walking away could damage both of you more - not sure damage is the right word to use - but you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

If, as you say, you are in love with this lady - then give her the time she needs. If the time takes too long for you to carry on with your life - then you need to move on. That would be for "you". Walking away for "her sake" - well, I don't think that would do her good. That's my feeling anyways.

Do what is right for you. Keep talking. Talk it through.

Try not to pressure her into making decisions - usually when that happens, forced decisions are bad decisions.

If you love this lady - maybe step back for a while, be there for her if it feels right for both of you - and if things are meant to be, then they will. She's not ready right now. She may never be. She may be tomorrow. There are no guarantees - so, give her a day at a time. If it doesn't work for you - then you need to let go of her for YOU.

Thanks Izzie,

I do really love her and you are right. It has only been 6 days that we have not communicated since she asked me to be patient with her and give her some space. That is nothing in the total scheme of things. I know that she needs this space as we have been here before. It is always when she experiences another wave of intense grief. I really should know better. We run in the same circles and she has told everyone that we are just taking a little break and that she needs some space right now. I will give her the space she needs no matter what. I have promised myself that she has to reach out for me. At that point I will be there for her but with reservation. Not reservation that she can see but for myself. I have reached out to several of her friends to try to get her to counseling. I know she really needs it and it would be a start first for her to heal and an opportunity for us to be togehter someday. I just need to not take this so personal and take it for just what she says it is. Afterall she hasn't said that it is over for us - She is brutally honest and I know if she has lost her feelings for us she would say so. I guess I am just a big baby and miss her terribly. Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it

apologies

just re-read - it was her fiancee.

ahhhh... that could make all the more difference too. Losing someone she was going to marry may make it all the more harder for her to attach to someone - it could be she may subconciously think that moving in, being with someone "forever"... and all that comes with commitment / marriage makes her even more scared having lost someone that she was "going to marry" already. The person she fell in love with and was comitted to, died. Maybe she doesn't want anyone else to fall in love with her!

(of course, that could be a bunch of hogwash - but that just jumped to mind having re-read)

you can only 'encourage' about seeing a counsellor - thing is, she has to make that decision - no amount of pushing from anyone will get her to go - she has to want to go and talk to someone (therefore making it her decision so she is in control of what's happening) ... or to have a stranger / third party listen to her. Until she's ready to do that, all you can do is let her know you are not going anywhere and that you can show that you are patient and understanding. She may not need to talk to someone - she may resolve this from within - be supportive for as long as it feels right for you.

I know, from my own perspective, sometimes you have to walk away for your own good, your own sanity. Each and every person is different. Sometimes the person you walk away from then comes back and you are on an equal footing - finding the equal balance is difficult if your defences are up - you have to learn to trust them. It's very hard, the tables turn. Like I say, if it's gonna be, it will.

I believe She probably does have very genuine feelings for you, which is where the guilt comes from. She obviousley loved the man who died, but by having feelings for you she feels like she is betraying the love she had for the deceased. It is actually a very common problem. Therapy will help a lot. She needs someone to tell her that it is OK to love someone else and you can't be that person. I would not give up but I would try to convince her to go to therapy.

I would like to thank everyone for their kind words. She officially told me today that she has no feelings for me any longer and just wants to be friends. I thought I was her friend all through this. I guess I was the transition guy. I am devastated and still in shock. I guess I will know how grieving is now.

Thanks again

Oh Joe - sorry things didn't turn out - but I admire her honesty.

Yes, you probably were the "transition" man, but don't discount the future.

Work on developing yourself as a whole person and she may come back around.

Everyone agrees that she needs some time and space away from you. You may have suffocated her with attention, etc. when she really needed to be alone.

There's a saying that you gotta let something go to get it back.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish you and her well, and who knows what the future my bring.