in love with a married man

I'm not angry.

I'm really serious. There is a need for good mistress' out there. As long as you can be discreet and be okay with not being the main love of his life everyone should be fine.

I think you deserve better but that isn't my call to make.

My ex-husband's mistress had no plans for me ever finding out either. Neither did my husband.

Of course, the thing they did share with me snitched them both out big time. Herpes has a way of bringing all the players out of the shadows; both the willing and the unwilling.

I must say that over the last 30 years I have really not enjoyed the few hours of time they spent together. Those temporary plans of theirs became quite permanent in all our lives.

Re: in love with a married man


You need to move to Utah and get over the monogamy thing....

don't worry messy1

boomer gets like this ALL the time.

She's just a bundle of anger waiting to explode.

second bananahood?

Yeah, that's me - a total ticking time bomb.

Second bananadom? Is that better? To me it just sounds silly.

Look - I'm more open to the concept of mistress' than most people (probably) and misters (?) (whatever they're called). I've known a couple of mistress' that have worked out okay for everyone involved.

When it starts turning into "love" is when things start getting awful.

I'm just trying to warn messy1 that she could be facing a long and lonely road. If she's falling in love with this guy, an obvious cheater, she should high-tail it out of the relationship.

Yep, me too but I'm getting the feeling that there is one person in this triangle that isn't in on the plan. My openness to the concept stops at deception.

I think spouses almost always know but sometimes choose to turn a blind eye towards the situation. I'm not sure if that counts as deception or not.

What seems to always happen though is that the mistress decides just having part of a man isn't enough; she falls in love. That's when the trouble starts because it begins to interfere with the family and it becomes impossible to turn a blind eye to that.

Boomer--

I have to disagree with "spouses always know". I'll grant you that some spouses know and prefer to maintain the status quo rather than go through the upheaval of a divorce.

Many more spouses--particularly wives--notice their husbands' long hours at "work" but trust the man they vowed to cherish forever and take him at his word. They even accept the guilt for having had moments of doubt.

Messy--

Welcome to A2K.

Could "falling in love" mean that after five years you are no longer satisfied with a part time lover? That you have some feelings of being used?

Your lover has both a wife and a mistress to satisfy his physical, mental and emotional needs. His wife has an unfaithful husband and lots of food. What do you have? Is this all you deserve?

no problem
I dont see a problem with what you are doing messy. As long as you are discreet and take it for what it is. It's exciting, you dont want it to change, thats the fantasy part of it. I would personally love to have a mistress as I think many men would when their wives stop having sex with them. I had just posted on this issue recently but my thinking was that there were not very many women out there interested in a man with four kids driving a minivan.
If I could get away with it i'd probably do it.

So what's wrong with letting the spouse in on the plan?

Yes, messy1, I do think it's possible. My point about deception is not directed toward you, but toward him. I am not advocating that you should be the one to put things out in the open. I've never been in favor of the mistress ringing the doorbell and giving the wife a dose of reality. It should come from him. If you hadn't said that you don't plan on her ever finding out, I might have assumed she was already aware of the situation and was ok with it. Some women are able to accept that there are certain aspects of their marriage that involve other women. If that is the case and everyone is happy then what else is there to say?

So, yes, I do think that you can love the parts of him and his life that he is willing to share with you. I also think that there are certain lines that are drawn in the sand that you will have to face as a permanent reality. Are you ok with the idea that holidays will be spent with his family, his priorities will be in providing for his wife and his children, and that his time with you will be on his availability and his call? These things won't change. He is not unhappy in his marriage. If you're not unhappy and his wife is simply looking the other way then I think the situation you describe could work for as long as it meets your needs.

Here's where it gets dicey, though. What are your needs? He makes you feel alive and like a whole person when you're together. There could very well come a time when you aren't satisfied with what he is offering you and you begin to look for more from him. There's no reason to think he has any more to offer. At that point you'll have to decide if you're willing to settle for what you've got or make some changes in order to get on with your life.

Hmmmm.... I'm thinking someones life here on A2K is going to be short lived if she doesn't get a grip.

Messy, been there, done that and it just isn't worth the heartache. When the excitement is gone, all that's left is at least one broken heart and a lot of kicking yourself in the butt.

I Think, because your love life has been tough for whatever reasons, you now have a screwed up idea of respect and what a man is capable of.

Men are capable of respecting women. Part of that means thinking beyond the mighty penis.
Part of that means not making excuses for behavior.

And you are conning yourself right out of a genuine sex and love life.

Maybe you can't tell the difference between sex, love, and respect. Wouldn't be the first person to think with hormones first.

This doesn't make any sense because I was responding to a few posts that have since been removed. This post kinda makes me look a little nuts without the other posts.

Don't worry, you look a little nuts most of the time anyway. :wink:

Yeah, I know, but sometimes too much is too much

Being kicked off?
Truth hurts, but why?

Why what?

yeah, you need to make an appointment with a mental health specialist ASAP!!!