Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Noddy does make a good point. And Montana too. I'm thinking I'd want to know, but I don't think I'd want to hear it from the mistress.

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Yeah, I wouldn't want to hear it from her either, but......

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My stomach upset just a little bit reading your post.

Was betrayed most bitterly myself not so long ago. Different situation, no less disguisting messy and rage-inducing.

If you are serious about getting some support, some ears, and maybe even advice through this here (and the people here are beautiful when you get to know them), then please tell us more about the situation.

For example, do you have good reason to think that the wife does NOT already know?

How did this happen - that you did not know for so long?

You aren't responsible for what he did. And he was a royal pig! Not your fault.

I just know, really know, that the rage can be so thick it can blind and right now, right now in the midst of it: it's not the time to go running on that painful instinct.

Tell us more. If you come back, I'd be more than happy that help you any way I can.

Stop long enough to be able to think first. To talk to people first. That's all I'm saying.
It would make me really sad to hear you have hurt yourself on top of the hurt that man has caused - jumping the gun with this could hurt you badly.

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This is a tough one for me. On one hand, if the wife is told, she will be hurt, on the other hand, I think she could be hurt more in the long run if she's not told.
If the cheating husband has several lovers, the risk of STDs gets higher and it could cost her her life.

Like they say "no dick is worth dying for".

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Sorry, but I don't get why L. would take the responsibility of hurting the wife?
Not hers to bear.
The cheating hubby is responsible for that hurt.

Keeping it a secret, if it is info the wife does not know, and there is a possibility that it could help her in the long-run - that's joining forces with a lie.

The only question to me is whether it would be smart in the circumstances. For L.

Think of how horrid it would be for L. if wifey put her rage and denial square at her, not receptive of the info...or already knew (there are cases where it could be pure vinctiveness).

Loser boy seems to like attention. To me, anything that gives him more of that (in-fighting between mistress and wife, hurtful acts aimed at wife but meant to get to hubby) - that's a no-go.

Gotta cut this sucker off. And aim high to treat that wife as a sister. That deserves careful deliberation of what to do and how to approach it.

Being in a rage is not the time to do that.

Just my opinion!

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I also agree with your thoughts as well MP.

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Liliann may not be the "best" person to tell the wife--but she may be the only person in a position to do so.

Remember, she didn't know the guy was married until recently.

Undoubtedly her motives for telling the wife are complicated by her own outrage--but if she doesn't blow the whistle, who will?

Liliann wouldn't be destroying a happy marriage--the wandering husband is doing that.

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Maybe the original girlfriend can take care of notifying the wife as well.

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I agree with MP's thoughts here. Is there really a rush? I understand what Noddy is saying about how perhaps the information should be shared, but the revenge aspect is the troublesome one. Give it some time, take some deep breaths, wait for things to calm down before making this decision.

Which I think you had already figured out, Liliann, from the title you chose.

If, after things have calmed down, you decide that informing the wife is the right thing to do, perhaps you can do it anonymously. Make it more about the information and less about you.

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eoe wrote:

How did you maintain a relationship with a man for an entire year and not know that he was married?

I dated a man for 8 months and did not know he was married.

he would stay the night with me in my apt, and I would stay at his house.

his home was very... bland..
Sort of void of all personality , female or male.

I just thought he had a horribly boring taste in decoration.

One day, on our many weekday lunch dates, he took me to applebees, and when we sat down at the table, I noticed over my menu that he had his wedding ring on.

i was clueless.

I walked out.

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Not sure how things are where the original poster lives, but here, if you've got a public health concern someone should be notified *** of - you tell the local Board of Health and they take care of passing on the news.

*** i.e. communicable disease or possibility thereof

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eoe wrote:

Yep. Chances are his wife already knows and you'll be dismissed as "just another one of his whores".

How did you maintain a relationship with a man for an entire year and not know that he was married?

To answer this question, to start with I am not only in school in the evening and work a lot even on weekends. Plus my job requires me to travel outside the state quite often.

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mushypancakes wrote:

My stomach upset just a little bit reading your post.

Was betrayed most bitterly myself not so long ago. Different situation, no less disguisting messy and rage-inducing.

If you are serious about getting some support, some ears, and maybe even advice through this here (and the people here are beautiful when you get to know them), then please tell us more about the situation.

For example, do you have good reason to think that the wife does NOT already know?

How did this happen - that you did not know for so long?

You aren't responsible for what he did. And he was a royal pig! Not your fault.

I just know, really know, that the rage can be so thick it can blind and right now, right now in the midst of it: it's not the time to go running on that painful instinct.

Tell us more. If you come back, I'd be more than happy that help you any way I can.

Stop long enough to be able to think first. To talk to people first. That's all I'm saying.
It would make me really sad to hear you have hurt yourself on top of the hurt that man has caused - jumping the gun with this could hurt you badly.

I am really and truly not out to hurt his wife. Someone mentioned he might go and leave the wife for the other girlfriend. That will not be the case. They are no longer together but even she fears we (she and I) were not the only ones. They have no children, thankfully. But I put myself in the wife's situation and know that I would like to have the blindfold taken off my eyes. I'm just hurt because my kind heart went to extremes to help him out not just financially but emotionally and in many other ways. I even borrowed my own tuition money for this looser and missed a semester from school. Like they say "No good deed goes unpunished."

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sozobe wrote:

I agree with MP's thoughts here. Is there really a rush? I understand what Noddy is saying about how perhaps the information should be shared, but the revenge aspect is the troublesome one. Give it some time, take some deep breaths, wait for things to calm down before making this decision.

Which I think you had already figured out, Liliann, from the title you chose.

If, after things have calmed down, you decide that informing the wife is the right thing to do, perhaps you can do it anonymously. Make it more about the information and less about you.

The other girlfriend had the same idea.

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You've spoken to and met the other gf?

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Noddy24 wrote:

I appreciate Liliann's feelings of rage and betrayal, but I see informing the wife as an act of sisterhood rather than of revenge.

By the by, Liliann, welcome to A2K.

Thank you Noddy24 for welcoming me to A2K.
And yes, the truth is I'm not out to hurt his wife, I understand that will be the case. That is why I'm so torn as to what I should do. Rolling Eyes

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mushypancakes wrote:

You've spoken to and met the other gf?

Yes, I have she too was clueless about him being married. Though there relationship had only been for about 5 months.

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Oh wow. Can the two of you do this together?

Would it help you to move forward, do you think? Do you feel like you need to do this and have thought it through as being the best way?

Once you decide whether to do it or not, a plan would be a good idea ya.

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Do what you feel you have to do but trust me, borrowing money from you, allowing you to miss a semester of school, he's not gonna get away with that. Don't know how spiritual you are but karma is a mother and he will get his.

Do you know for certain that his wife is in the dark?

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dlowan wrote:

Revenge is crap.

Bullshit.

Whoever said that the best revengs is in living welll was a fool. Probably they were just rationalizing because they were too gutless to go through with it when they had a chance. F*ck that. Revenge is sweet. The trick is to do it without getting involved. But you should definitely do it. It will feel good, and there is nothing wrong with that. He is an assh*le and deserves whatever he gets.

Also, what Noddy said.

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Revenge is a dish best served cold.

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