Read the whole thread up 'till now... wonderful collective wisdom from the A2Kers.
Welcome to A2K, Carolyn.
Just had to add my 2 cents, because so much of your situation hits home with me. I am about to be married in 26 days to a woman I've been with now for 2 1/2 years. We were both a couple of years out of troubled marriages when we met, and neither of us were looking for a partner. I am in my late 40's, and she in her mid 30's. We were both independent and used to living alone and doing our own thing. We were deliberately slow about becoming intimate, and the thought of moving in together occured to us after a couple of months, but we decided not to mess up the good thing we had with apartments minutes apart and frequent visits and sleepovers. We love each other, and that includes taking each other just as we are. And even though we've taken the plunge and decided to throw our lots in together in marriage, we have a very conscious pact to respect each others' space and try to be sensitive to each others' need for time without anyone "in their face".
The thing that got me wanting to reply to you was the thing about how needy this guy is. This is huge. Hugely bad. I know from working on my own clingy, controlling impulses that it is a very hard thing to change - not impossible, but there has to be a commitment to let go of the co-dependent character traits that is obviously lacking in your boyfriend.
So glad that you thought better of letting him move in. That situation had very small potential for success, IMO.
The thing about committing 8 grand to improve your basement just for him and his teenager - what of that now?
Again, welcome.
Carolyn--
Good, clear thinking.
Hold your dominion.
Should we move in together?
Thanks to everyone. I think I got some real level headed advice here. He is not moving in and is said he is upset that his life won't have the stability that he was looking forward to having, and I answered that I can't make his life stable. And that he doesn't know where he will go now. (He can tell his landlord he wants to stay, I told him-he is a good tenant and I don't think for a minute she would throw him out. ) Maybe a new apartment and a change of scenery would be a good thing for him. He is 53 years old. The responsibilties of his life seem to weigh so heavily upon him and he seems so unable to handle his problems. And I see now that those problems absolutely not my cross to bear. I need to focus on my life, and work on my own problems, not on his life.
He is a very charming guy, boyish, my friends like him, he is funny, smart, all those things. (Also-highly, highly annoying. ) I'll be there for him and try to support him and help him in ways that seem healthy. Time will tell, maybe he will come around. I feel so much better, so relieved, so--happy--that I made this decision and have stuck with it. Order is restored to some degree. The firm answers I got here really helped. So you all have truly helped a person!
That's excellent! Whew...you dodged one hell of a bullet there, girl.
Re: Should we move in together?
Carolyn D wrote:...and I answered that I can't make his life stable.
High five to Carolyn!!! <slap>
Good for you! I am SO happy to hear this! Please stick around, okay? We'd like to hear more from you.
Whew. Yahh! A happy ending, a happy one for once.
That's fantastic Carolyn.
p.s. You're a keeper. Hope to see some more posts from you at A2K.
Slap me five, girl! :-D
I'm so glad that you're so smart :-D
