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Should we move in together? Might it be a mistake?

Forums: Relationships
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 12:53 am
Well, you've got a leaner.

At the least I think it's smart to avoid promises.

And, I see most of us think, don't let him move in, at least any time soon.

But wait,

we're not a monolith.

We may get other points of view...
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 04:12 am
Re: Should we move in together?
Carolyn D wrote:
...I don't have much hope in my head it that it will get better.

In my heart I am hoping. I am so tired of being single in a sea full of couples. ...


Understood. But it's possible to be a couple and not live together. Hell, you've done it for months and can continue to do so. Yeah, he's got insomnia, yeah he's got kid and ex issues, yeah it's expensive, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you've still got the house and the actual difference would be made more in your life if you moved than if it was him doing the moving and him having the changes wrought by that.

He needs to go to a doctor to get some meds or something to help him sleep, a psychiatrist to get him out of being clingy and overly needy and possibly a career counselor to help him learn how he can make some more money and avoid half of these issues (or he could potentially just go to a psychiatrist for all of that). Or he could just start takin' the PATH train. Smile But not sleeping on the PATH train, or he'll end up in Manhattan or something, rather than Hoboken or New Brunswick or the like. Is Edison cheap? I forget, it's been forever since I lived there.

Anyway -- welcome to A2K.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 06:16 am
Carolyn--

Welcome to A2K.

How long has this man been divorced? Exactkt how old is his son?

Don't expect that living together is going to cause any great changes in him--or in you. He has some annoying little ways--and he's always going to have annoying little ways.

Some of his habits annoy you now--and they will always annoy you. Can you live with this?

Your baggage includes stray dogs. His baggage includes a part-time teenage boy, a long commute and insomnia.

He wants you to change your life to cure his insomina? He wants to move in with you so he won't be so short of money? He's very possessive about you and your life? Are you sure he isn't a stray dog who wants to move in and be the Alpha Wolf?
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 06:37 am
The thing that strikes me, is that you are 49 years old, and have never lived with anyone. You are most likely pretty well set in your ways. Now, whom do you pick? A clinger. For an independent woman, that can be the biggest drag of all.

I have known too many older women, (usually widowed) who remarried because they were lonely, and then lived to regret it. I have known two couples who had the best of all possible worlds. My former secretary, who was divorced, had a relationship with a man for many years. He had a teenage son who was a bit slow, and she was afraid that if they got together, she would have to become a mother to this kid, which she did not want. So they stayed in separate houses, and got together on the weekends. They even took vacations with the boy, which was fine with her, so long as she did not have to live with him.

My favorite couple lives in my town, and have been together for probably 10 years now. He originally lived about an hour away. Every weekend they would alternate in staying over at one or the others' houses. During the week (they were retired) she was free to spend time with her girlfriends, and do what she damned pleased.

When he had a heart attack, she stayed and cared for him for six weeks, but as soon as he was on his feet, they returned to their regular arrangement. A few years ago, he moved into the same town where she lived.....................but in different houses.

She is not a wealthy woman, and would take part time jobs. She told me that she would rather scrub floors to make money than to be tied up with a man, even though it would have been easier for her financially. She has her independence, and she has her companionship.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 07:36 am
Re: Should we move in together? Might it be a mistake?
Carolyn D wrote:
Thanks to those who responded. Unfortunately, the area where I live is terribly expensive. He is paying 1100 in his current place now, and that is low for this region of New Jersey. He lives in a more central part of NJ. He does not like the area where I live which is 7 miles from New York City for rentals-things he could afford would be extremely small and run down, and he needs to have extra space for his son's visits.


I wasn't suggesting that he live in your area, but 30 miles or so away -- between your house and his work.

I really think he could handle these terrible problems he has more efficiently. They are not necessarily your problems to solve.

I don't like the idea of counseling here (which is rare for me!) because I don't think you have enough of a base to build on. If things are this bad this early, I think at the very least you should not be living together (the more I learn, the more definite I am about that), if not breaking up entirely.

Is that something you worry about? That if you say "no" to moving in together, he'll break up with you?
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mushypancakes
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 02:05 pm
Yeah, listen to your gut. It's smart.

It's what - about an hour back and forth? That's perfect!

Why not keep seeing him but tell him straight out: I'm not ready to move in together. I'm sorry I told you I was, but now that I have more time to think about it I think I need more time." etc. Adding your own from the heart explanation. The truth, basically.

If he is a keeper, a compromise of some sort can be reached. He won't go running for the hills.

I can't say I understand what it is to be 49 and never to have lived with a man, but sure do know the hesitation to move in quickly! My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other a good while and moving in together is far from my mind yet.

Also, my own mom was in her late thirties and spent over 7 years in separate homes from my step father. They spent a lot of time together but it took time before either was ready to merge homes. It is merging homes, and families (his kid and people, your friends and family and furball kids).
It worked for them, and the communte was not short. And only 4 of those years did she have us kids in the house.

You have already taken the leap to trusting him. You already obviously care.

You don't know me and I only know your posts, but there seems to be so much to lose by you going through with this AT THIS TIME, and not a lot that could be gained that couldn't be gained in your own homes.

Good luck whatever you choose.
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 02:37 pm
Speaking from painful personal experience...

Nobody understands better than me the need to have someone to love, and who will love me. BUT...

There are far worse things than being alone.

And at the top of that list...the TOP of the list, Carolyn...is being stuck with the wrong person.











[size=7](Can I get an "Amen" from the peanut gallery?)[/size]
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 02:48 pm
Amen.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 03:01 pm
Amen!

No, the clingy don't become less clingy - usually the opposite.
No, the 'worrying' doesn't lessen - usually the opposite.

There are all kinds of alarm bells ringing here. Your head and your heart are battling. If this guy is Prince Charming with Rough Edges then he will stand the test of time by taking it slow and easy. You like being part of a couple -- understood and understandable. That doesn't mean you have to give up your independence to a man and his son after knowing him for a few short months.

You met him online -- was it a dating/matching service? If so, they're are other men you can meet. If not, you could check them out.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2007 03:14 pm
Amen and Amen!
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Jun, 2007 04:29 am
Pope! I mean, amen.
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caribou
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Jun, 2007 10:33 am
Amen!

My man and I do not live together. Been together 4 years(?), We both have separate houses 10-15 minutes apart. He has 2 teenagers every other weekend and some of the rest of the time (He lives just down the street from the X and the kids)

It's great!

(I have 2 and a half more years before we have any more discussions on living together!)

Ah, I'm a little independant....

For me, clingy would be bad bad bad.
Careful! It's better to be blunt and honest now, then later!
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Jun, 2007 12:55 pm
Amen!
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annamosby36
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Jun, 2007 03:03 pm
I don't think you should let him move in. He is very needy and clingy, and you have mentioned that you are annoyed by his behavior. If he moves in, he's only going to get more needy and more clingy. You are a 49 yr. old professional woman never married, no kids, you are very much set in your ways, too much to change now. you mentioned that you enjoy your privacy, but if he moves in you will hardly have any of that. esp. with a teenage son and an ex wife who he still has some issues with if he is mentioning "that anything is better than living with her." My advice to you is if he wants to continue a relationship with you, and be closer to you, is to get an apartment for himself and his son, and continue to visit you. If you are not contemplating marrying him, then separate is equal.
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Carolyn D
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Jun, 2007 11:24 pm
Should i let him move in?
Thanks to everyone who responded. It was almost an unconscious reaction I had last night, when for the second time, I told him I didn't want him to move in with me. I first told him Wednesday night, and he painted such a sad picture of his life, that he has no ther options, no flexibility, that I relented and said he could move in as a test. Then I got to thinking, why should I go into this as a test? I should be ecstatic, not filled with anxiety and a feeling of dread. He understands now, but I think he is very hurt, because I changed my mind after making such plans with him.

He is a little out of control in his personal life , I am afraid, and I have been overlooking things because I thought he didn't really mean some of the things he has said, or I just chose to minimize them. I do love him, I love his core, or what he has shown to me, but sadly I think I have been believing him to be different than who his actions say he is. I just don't like his behavior much of the time, the way he interacts with his ex, or his son. He complains bitterly about the child support-which is 700 a month. That is only 20 dollars a day, for a teenaged son. Really-that just about covers food on a daily basis, and he is complaining. Always complaining. Today we were in the car in NYC. His teenaged son was in the back. A car ahead of us had the green light, but was talking to the car next to him, for too long. I honked. The woman yelled at us. My boyfriend yelled F*** You! to that driver right in front of his son, not cool. He annoys me. He follows me around the house. He wants me to make him feel better about his life. He has very little common sense in dealing with people, he is an overgrown teenager himself sometimes. He doesn't edit ehat he says when he should be minding himself in work situations. Now trouble at work. People giving him the cold shoulder at the school where he teaches. I don't care for the world of organizations myself so I empathize with him, but at what point will I stop even listening. He is upset because I have been telling him how much i was looking forward to our being together in my house and sharing my life with him. I believed those things when I said them. Maybe I am fickle...I do care for him, more than anyone I have ever known. I just don't know if he will stabilize himself. I just don't want him to live with me, especially in this tiny house. And I don't want to share his stressful burdens, so early.

Truly, thanks everyone for your collective wisdom. It is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. Maybe we will work things out, in separate residences. Much more complicated to ask him to leave later than to cause some trouble with my position now.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Jun, 2007 06:24 am
Carolyn, you are one smart cookie and I am relieved to know that ;-)
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Jun, 2007 06:53 am
I like the way you think, Carolyn.

Carolyn D wrote:
Then I got to thinking, why should I go into this as a test? I should be ecstatic, not filled with anxiety and a feeling of dread.


BINGO!!!
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Jun, 2007 07:15 am
Carolyn- Good move! Someday I think that you will realize just how close you came to screwing up your life, and will breathe a deep sigh of relief!
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Jun, 2007 07:35 am
you said
Quote:
I first told him Wednesday night, and he painted such a sad picture of his life, that he has no their options, no flexibility, that I relented and said he could move in as a test.[/[/b]QUOTE]

Congratulations. He just manipulated you . And now, he knows what combination of words/body language/ and buttons to push... so he can do it again.

You sound like an amazingly smart woman.

The fact that you can pinpoint some erratic behavior, AND voice why it bothers you to complete strangers.... and be 100% clear about your stance speaks volumes

So why cant you, or why don't you ? Say this to him?

Or, you DO say this to him, and he begins with the 'pity me ' act?

Quite frankly , this man sounds like he is going to do nothing with his life
Nothing for himself
and is so incredibly co-dependant it isn't funny. His only excuse , or reason if you will... for asking you if he can live with you is because "his life is so sad"?

Wow... and.. how old is he? Laughing

Im sorry, but I doubt very seriously you are dating a man 1/2 your age.. so I am going to assume he is in his late 40's as well... and he STILL needs someone to tell him to he happy? He still needs someone to 'make him' feel good? And he complains about supporting his own CHILD?

ooooohhh.... strike three there buddy.


Im sorry if my post is really off base.
I have not read the beginning of this thread in a few days, so I don't remember all of the specifics.

Im just.... well.. STUNNED at him.

He sounds like a whining baby frankly.

And if he is so comfortable insulting his ex like that, what is he saying about you?

Then he goes on to say " Anything is better then living with her".. so.. he wont leave one relationship until he is sure there is another on the horizon? Or he wont leave one place until another is secured?

I would be afraid that if you let him live with you, he may never leave until " he has found another place to go"

Can ya back out now and forever hold your peace? Laughing
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Jun, 2007 07:59 am
and this -

Quote:
He has shown some weird behavior like when I was with a friend at a show and didn't call him the moment the show ended, he was "worried" about me. The caring can be a little much.



I would not call that caring,
i would call that controlling
and that is scary.


He is trying to GIVE you control over his life by trying to make you believe he wont be happy unless you , your house, your time, and your freedom are all wrapped up in it. He even goes as far as to say that he cant or wont live in a smaller apt? Even though he could afford it?
SO.. he is essentially 'forcing' himself into your home by saying no to any other option besides being in your home.

That sounds like a 90/10 relationship.
He is putting forth the 10% which involves packing and moving and you are putting forth the 90%. Changing your home, making room, and letting him sleep in YOUR bed when HE screwed up.


If it were me, that man would be gone.
Not even a neighbor.


Then, I would go list myself onsome dating sites, and plug in his qualities as things i do NOT want in a man and hope for better results. Laughing
Good luck.
I think you are too smart to do anything other then push him aside. :wink:

It will just take a bit, as feeling lonely is a powerful, and sometimes debilitating feeling. Just don't let him be your answer to it. He will destroy you from the sounds of it.
0 Replies
 
 

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