Dating a widower

Remember, very often men are not aware of the auras of objects.

Mr. Noddy will never understand why I didn't want him to put a picture of my unfavorite stepson in a picture frame that a close friend gave to me. I accept that the picture has a place on his bureau--but not in a frame of mine.

I would like to hear other people's stories also. And that is very true that objects have auras.

dating a widower
Hi everyone. Since I have been dating a widower for the last two months, and it quickly became a committed relationship, I think that I'll jump in with my story as well. We see each other almost daily, often spending time in each others homes. Much of ryr02 and hurtingirl experiences and sentiments I can relate to.

My bf is in his 50's and was married only a few months when they discovered the incurable cancer that took his (late) wife a year later. We began dating two years after the diagnosis, one year after she passed. Like hurtingirl's situation, the relationship with his late wife was near perfection as it never had the opportunity to move out of the honeymoon phase. Though he has no children of his own, her adult children have now lost both mother and father so my bf tries to fulfill the role of parent as best he can.

The first visit to his home I was struck by the nearly two dozen framed photo's of her scattered around. The largest of these is a close up portrait (approximately 36 x 24) that hangs in his bedroom. After the first month of dating he suggested that I meet some of his friends at a BBQ we would throw at his house. I noted discomfort at playing hostess in his home and being introduced as his girlfriend for the first time with so many photo's of his late wife prominently displayed. We went out to dinner instead, my idea for a compromise. I didn't ask him to put away any of her pictures but was pleased to later discover he made the choice to move a lot of them himself.

A couple weeks later, following an argument, he took some of the pictures out again. It surprised me that he felt I ?'made' him put away the pictures and clearly stated my vow to allow him all the time he needs to make his own choices regarding letting go. I understand the grieving process takes time. I want him to hang on to his memories of her, not to discard them. So I got accustomed to the small framed photo's scattered discretely about the house, even in the bedroom, thankful the large portrait remained unseen. I know he would not be the man I love if he could easily discard memories of one so important to him. This past week more pictures have been taken out and the large portrait is hanging in the bedroom once again. They are strategically located. There is no spot in the home where you do not see her image, except for the bathrooms.

His adult step-children are visiting this weekend and I logically know this motivated the recent changes. He is afraid of the kids reaction to a new woman, that they will feel he is moving on too fast, that he has forgotten all about their mother. He is afraid they will be hurt and feel he is disrespecting the memory of their mother if her pictures aren't prominently displayed. I am a secret and so is our relationship. My picture is no longer on his night stand but lies in a drawer. He is referring to her as his ?'wife' again, not by name, and getting emotional more often. I'm feeling like a mistress more than a girlfriend and I've said as much.

I'm assured that he is ready to move on to a new relationship. He says that she is in the past and he wants to live in the present. We talk often, seriously, and intimately. He loves me, I'm sure, and we are questioning the possibility of a future together down the road. He has said he will do anything for me. I believe him. Asking him to do 'anything' regarding the level of her presence in his own home is not something I want to do though.

Hurt? Yes, I'm hurt. No one said it would be easy to date a widower but I didn't know about the challenge to find balance either. Where are appropriate and reasonable boundaries? How does one determine if actions meet words when our widowers say they are ready for a new relationship? Is it normal to feel like an interloper occasionally and, if so, how does one get past this?

My challenge is to find the answers to these questions. For now it is really nice to be able to vent here. Thank you in advance for your kind and thoughtful responses. I apologize for the length of this post but hope it has been helpful for at least one. ~Pasq

PS: He's an amazing man who treats me well and I am very thankful to have him as a part of my life. I just wish it were easier sometimes.

akpasqualina- Thank you for sharing your story. It is so nice to be able to hear other people who have the unique issues ( if that's the right word?) that come a long with dating a widower. Children can complicate the emotions and reactions that everyone has. Especially if they are not his biological children. He may feel some greater obligation in a way to appear loyal to their mother?? My bf has basically adult children also. They are seemling accepting of me but he did have difficulty in approaching the subject of me in the beginning. The pictures in his home are there, yes but I have not ever asked him to move them or do anything with them .. I understand that you could feel badly when the pictures came back out? The thing is, it's hard to know, like you said .. where do you draw the boundary lines? What is ok and what is not? The reaction from a lot of people is almost like they should be able to do whatever is ok for them and their grieving process and really it should have nothing to do with us. Which in a way is true to an extent But we just need to be conscious of what is ok for us and what is hurtful to us. I think it's ok to let him know that you feel uncomfortable with some things. I have never said anything about the pictures of my bf's late wife.. but he has. He asked me if it was ok... the pictures and where he had them. I said it was.. he only has them in one area.. one small table.. none anywhere else... not in the bedroom... I feel ok with that. I think he needs that and so do his children.. although they do not live there..but still. But if it's a big picture in the bedroom and then he put your picture away? I think that would hurt my feelings too. It's like the book on the nightstand in the bedroom for Hurtingirl. It is good to vent. And it's ok. I am sure that he loves you. His step children coming may just be confusing him about what he should do.

dating a widower
Ryry02 - Thank you for your insightful reply. You're right about several things, imo. Because the children are not biologically connected to my bf, his challenges and guilt introducing a new relationship are different. After this past weekend he has made a point of letting me know that I will soon meet them. However I suggested, noting it really is none of my business, he might want to allow them time to adjust to his dating (drop hints, etc.) before bringing them face to face with what may be interpreted as their mother's replacement. Of course, we all know this isn't true - their mother cannot be replaced even in my bf's heart and mind.

I also agree that our situations are very different from most adult relationships in that our partners still, at least to a degree, love another person. They always will. Most new couples come face to face with a history that includes other partners but those have been willingly released and the grieving process is far shorter. Like you said, had my bf's wife not died he would still be happily in love with her and I would most likely never have met him. That thought has brought some degree of guilt for me, another albeit minimal challenge.

I agree with hurtingirl too. When a widower is ready to bring a new woman into his home, pursuing a romantic relationship, there is an obligation to make room both physically and emotionally. I read somewhere that to minimize our hurt and adjust our boundaries any more than we would with a divorced man is to placate and extend grieving rather than encourage healing. I don't know how true this is. It seems rather black and white to me. It seems to me these hurts are merely oversights, a lack of understanding of the impact of what our widowers believe to be static, inert objects. I don't see anyone saying no pictures or trinkets be retained. Balance is key.

Oh, I wanted to mention to you too rory02, I ran across a message board where widow/ers discussed calling their new partner by their deceased spouses name. It is truly accidental and they are aware of the pain created in those instances. They say it has no bearing on their feelings for their new partner, nor their old. It is merely a slip of the tongue. I think you are a special woman, based on what I see you write here. I'm very glad you chose patience and communication to work through this challenge. Your bf is a lucky man as far as I can tell.

As for my situation, the large framed portrait was taken down as soon as the children left. My bf is now talking to his family about our relationship, letting them know he is happily dating again. Breaking the news to her children will be more difficult but he is evidently prepared for that as well. I'll continue to be patient but reasonable (?) as best I can. He is worth it.

Good luck to you and thank you for this opportunity to discuss these thoughts with someone who actually gets it. ~Pasq

Re: dating a widower


And THAT is what it all boils down to.

akpasqualina Thank you for your reply. Thank you for letting me know that you read about Widowers calling their girlfriends/ wives by their late wife's names. I haven't really seen that in writing but people here did mostly reply that they felt it must have been a slip of the tongue. I am ok with it. We talked a lot about it and about his feelings/ grief/ feelings for me/ feelings for his late wife... and everything. I think it's ok. I really do. Thank you for saying that my bf is a lucky man I feel lucky really to have him also. I have a strong connection with him. I am willing to be patient also. He is also worth it. You seem very patient and special also and I really wish you luck with your relationship. I am sure the unique challenges have not all been met for us but like you said .. it's worth it sometimes. I appreciate also being able to talk with someone who truly gets it. That goes a long way for understanding. This is the most challenging part. But it's ok. They love us too.. some people never have that. Luckily we can enjoy our lives together and move forward from here. It's good that your bf is telling his family. That's a step in the right direction. I suggested to my bf that he approach it in the way you told yours to. How about.. "I'm dating" to start out with... that seemed to work. His kids seem ok with me and they now know that it's a serious relationship. I am sure your bf step kids will be ok in time. Take care and please post again if you want to talk

ok, maybe this isn;t' the place to do this but---- that reminded me of the joke.

A guy is babysitting his brother's cat. The cat dies. The guy calls his brother and tells him. The brother is furious... he says "you don't just blurt out that the cat died!". "well what should i have said", the guy asks. The brother replies, 'well you could start out gentle...call and say 'the cat was on the roof ".... then call again and say' the cat's got hurt....etc.
A few days later, the guy calls his brother... "dad was on the roof...."

link
Hurtingirl akpasqualina have you seen this web site.. forum? It is very informative and worth looking into.

http://www.womenlovingwidowers.net


Hurtingirl.. that was funny

Actually I was on that site. They kicked me off. I said that I thought it would be a good idea for widowers to read some of that stuff. My guy is interested in what women think and learning so that he and I can avoid some of the problems that arise. They told me I was a security risk to the privacy of the other women on the site. I said "security"?? This is the web! 15 yr old boys who like to yank women's chains could be making up stories and coming on here. widowers could be here under femail names. That freaked them out and they kicked me out.

RE: WLW website
Hi again ryry02 & hurtingirl ~

That joke is hilarious and made my SO laugh shortly after his brother called to tell him that their mother passed. He's lost both his mom and dad in the last two months. It hasn't been easy as this has triggered grieving cycles for him regarding his late wife too. Luckily, I got to meet both his mom and dad before they passed.

His mom is GREAT. I really admire her. The last thing she said to me before we left was, "Make sure you become a permanent part of this family." She laughed when I told her, "You'll have to talk to your son about that but .......... just don't jinx it."

Regarding the WLW group: I suppose you are one up on me hurtingirl as you had a chance to join. I was rejected. My relationship was deemed to be temporary and ending shortly. I was described as delusional and a doormat. To allow me to join would place the members in real relationships with widowers at risk. *sheesh* What is up with this place?

Anyway, this worked to my advantage as when my b/f was able to finally get this news out of me, he didn't like hearing it. WTH do they know? He's been working hard to be re-assuring and more attentive. We're progressing well, imo.

How are you two doing? I'd love an update. ~ Pasq