Dating a widower

I can't directly relate to what you've experienced, once my ex-husbands uncle called me his ex-girlfriends name and felt terrible about it. I think it was just habit because I was new to the family and she had been with him for many years.
I'd bet it didn't mean that he wishes he was with her instead of you, I think it was just a slip from past habit.

thanks
Thank you It's not really all that different. I don't think he was really calling me her... I don't think he thought she was there or wished she were but that's what I thought of. He is the sweetest man. He felt so badly. I guess it just scared me as far as the possibility of him not having let go of her.

I know the thought of opening up to someone and giving them your heart can be scary. Hang in there and I wish you the best.

It's not horrible at all if he loved and had a good relationship with his late wife.

Look at it this way....he's putting you in the same boat and someone he thought the world of.

Don't sweat the small stuff. He's gone through a lot.

How old is your Widower? Slips of the Tongue increase with age.

My father used to miscall me by my mother's name when he and I were arguing.

My husband has called me by his first wife's name when we were arguing.

Social lapses, mere social lapses.

Noddy, that's funny. I was going to mention the fact I've called my husband by my ex husbands name while arguing (only once or twice).

The first time I did it, I stopped and said, "Oh! I'm sorry I called you Earl" He said, "that's ok, that says you only relate to him when you're mad"

thanks for all of the replies. He did love her. I know he went through a lot. He did not do it to make me feel badly. I guess I was just concerned that meant he has not let go of her... which in turn means he could not really be fully mine. He is 45... to answer the questions of his age And yes slips do happen more often with age

Ryry--

May his senior moments happen only in the bedroom--and only verbally there.

Welcome to A2K.

Her name wasn't Rebecca, was it?

I'm not sure a widower is any different, or at least by all so much, than any other person who used to love someone else. Presumably, the widower has some sorrow about the loss of the person, but sometimes that feeling may be fairly complex. That is true with some people after divorce as well. Or even long time non married couples. There are patterns in life and in the mind, and a name can just show up, unbid, as it were. I wouldn't take it as significant.

As a widower for only a year, that's pretty close timing if he was in great grief. Probably depends on the person. Sometimes with a person ill and dying, a lot of time goes by, sometimes years, hard years, in which the partner must go through various stages, almost as tough as the dying person. By a year afterwards, they may be ready for change from grief, ready for hope and moving forward.

If the person was very loved and the death was fast and a surprise, I'm sure that's a real shock. I can only think there would be some reverberrations.

Indeed, sometimes sex is an immediate antidote to death - i don't know about with a mate's death, but sometimes if a friend or parent dies, people find sex cathartic, life affirming.

I dunno. I would not be expecting him to just move on and get over her, never mention her again in your presence. We all take a while to come to terms with the past and present. Give him a break on this.

After all, our Noddy tends to say that it takes a person two years, generally speaking, to get over a serious relationship. I've no idea whether that is a truism or true. I'll say, at least partly true. That doesn't mean the relationship is not over. It does mean that people don't just evaporate in our minds by death, divorce, or break-up situations.

To me, as an older woman, I think all of our past fits in some sort of weave in our emotions, and am in favor of that.. mostly.

cross-posting, jpb...

Nor should he let go of her, nor should he ever completely be fully anyone's.

ryry02, welcome to A2K.

I'm sorry to focus on that thought but you said it in two different posts. A 45 year old man buried his wife of ???? years a little over a year ago and after three months of being with you you hope that he has let her go so he can be fully yours. That sounds pretty um... selfish.

To be honest, if I were to bury my husband it would take many, many years before I let him go to the point where I felt horrible for referring to someone that I care about by the name the means the most to me -- particularly in a moment of passion.

Take it as a compliment and cut the poor guy some slack.

Oh, and what does 'fully yours' actually mean in this case?

Nuts, I guessed wrong on whether reverberation has two r's before -ation.



Yes, I hear you on that, JPB.

To edit myself,

quoting -
I wouldn't take it as significant.

I wouldn't take it as significant about his feelings about you.
That the name is imbedded in his mind - people we have loved go deep into our brains.

Osso & the Rest of the World--

My Two Years of Mourning isn't just modern social science. In Victorian Times full mourning for a spouse lasted two years. If a lady went into half-mourning (a little white and lavender to relieve the full blackness of widow's weeds) and encouraged a gentleman caller before two years were up her behavior was scandalous.

Part of the scandal came from stinting on the grief due to the Dear Departed, but part came from her recklessness, putting herself in danger by seeking a new love before her emotions were sorted out.

Forty-five is young to lose a spouse by death, In addition to mourning his wife, he's coming to grips with living in a universe that would allow this to happen.

Remember, his wife--and she'll always be a part of his past--taught him a lot about loving and giving. Don't make a Major Occasion out of a mere slip of the tongue.

My dad calls me by the wrong name all the time, but he's way older than this guy....

By the way am I the only one who really does not like the word "widower"? It makes it sound like he did the widowing, if you know what I mean...

The word "widower" dates back to a Middle English root.

It is one of the few terms in English where the masculine form (widower) is based on the feminine form (widow) probably because women have always lived longer than men.

to JPB, Ossobucco
Hi To JPB, I am sorry if you got the impression that I am expecting to posess my boyfriend. I would never expect or want him or anyone to be owned by me. I did not mean that at all. I care deeply about him and appreciate what he has been through. I do not expect him to ever forget or push to the side his memories of her or his life with her. I only meant that he llet her go in the sense of being mentally able and ready to be in a relationship with someone else..namely, me. He says that he loves me and I love him. Three months is not a long time, I realize that. I suppose by "be mine" I meant to really be in this relationship that he is currently in with me... to be ready for it. Everyone is different in their grief process and it is definitely different lengths of time for each person. I have lost someone very close to me also.. not my spouse but my parent.. which is very different in many ways but similar in others. I understand that it takes time to deal with and work through grief. He generally seems very healthy and we can talk about his late wife in a normal way whether it be just about his past or specifically about his loosing her. I am not trying to be insensitive to his feelings or grief in any way but rather to be sure that he is at a point that he is comfortable with this relationship.. which he seems to be in every way.. him saying her name just made me feel that maybe he subconsciously is not ready. If he is not, then I would want him to be careful to recognize that both for himself and for also for myself.

wow.... good to find this forum.
I"m dating a widower, and I can't believe how often something comes up to hurt. I feel like his house is a minefield. Most of her stuff is gone, but everytime I run into something, it hurts. I don't even understand why. He sure seems to love me. We've been seeing each other for months and things are good. Why does it have to be so painful?