I'll have to check that one out.
I wonder if we covered all the warning signs, lol.
first post !!
This has never happened to me, but I have seen it happen to a close friend. Luckily I was able to help smooth things over, and expost the liar to everyone around. I doubt if that kid will ever do it again!
All the nuts seem to come out of the nut jar!
And yes, that list seems pretty thorough
I might add anyone whose memory of your interactions is way more clear than yours.
cafancier, do you have a story to go along with that?
dupre, I don't, just came into my head going over the list. Anyone else have a story about that?
I knew a nut once. She was a habitual liar and she DID tell a lot of details about our time together, but she was rarely correct.
Hi, BlueTime and welcome to able2know! I would love to know more about your situation with her.
Okay, I'll try to tell my story about people remembering things "clearly." You know, these stories are really painful.
My sister is an agitator, at least she used to be, because she used to get away with it. She used to keep my mother in a dither over me and my life, which by the way is not all that controversial or out of the ordinary.
My sister was just trying to look better in my mother's eyes than me. And she was trying to look like the "good seed." Turns out my sister is a drug user, and I guess she wanted to keep my mom's attention focused elsewhere, so during their frequent talks she would cast doubts on just how wonderful MY life is. I mean, what the hell were they talking about me for to begin with?
Anyway, I finally had enough of Mom's worrywart behavior and was able to determine all this "concern" came from my sister.
My first response was to just talk about the weather and such and give no information about my life. When Mom would ask about people in my life and try to start something, I would offer to give her their number so she could talk to them directly.
Finally, after a few years, I laid it all out on the table. Told Mom all about Sister's drug use, her stealing, her skipping classes, her promiscuity, et cetera. I never cared what Sister did, I mean, I did have my own life, very different from hers. But, since I was able to discover that all this "concern" stemmed from Sister keeping my mother in a state of agitation over me, I really felt I needed to set the record straight. You have to understand, Sister and I are in our forties now, not kids!
Anyway, during my talk with Mom, Mom said that Sister "cared" deeply about the family and that Sister remembered things from our childhood no one else did.
I responded that that made perfect sense to me, since Sister was tripping on acid and smoking pot and doing speed just about every day of our childhood. It makes sense that Sister would remember things differently.
Geez!
It makes sense indeed. Substance abusers are opportunists, not strategists, so it sounds like your history was an attempt, like you guessed, by your sister to hide her problems from your mother. Unfortunately, that sort of behaviour also hides the truth about how siblings really feel about each other.
My brother and I didn't have nearly that sort of upbringing. We get along great. However, he remembers me 'mentally abusing' him as a kid, I just put it down to sibling rivalry, and the requisite 'brothers kidding around.' At his wedding last week, in his speech, he mentioned that when he was younger, he felt he was always living in my shadow, but now he realizes how much he has learned from me. I completely broke down....I commented on how much I had learned from him, as we are very different people, and how wonderful it was to learn from each other's differences. Then I wondered about why I never noticed these things going on while we were growing up. I suppose that it is still true that only hindsight is 20/20.
Yeah, gotta love that hindsight!
And for drug users... well, that old saying... "Never trust a junkie" really fits. If you know someone who is using drugs, and is fairly close to you in your life (close enough to cause problems, even if you think they aren't) its best to expose them. This may sound very harsh, and it may sound like it will cause a lot of problems... but is it better to cause problems on good people, or people who use drugs and "need help"? Drug users are not worth covering for. Expose them and it will either help them, or get them far enough away from you that they can't cause you problems like that. Besides, covering for them isn't exactly helping them, is it?
As for a story--- well, I suppose I have run into more people who want to dump their problems on me than any of the other kinds of people mentioned on the list. They are indeed very draining. Combine that with a mental problem and it can be very hard OR dangerous to try and cut that person off. I mean, get rid of them. I knew a guy like that. And when I told him that I wanted him to stop calling, and tried to reason it out, he got very needy, very whiney. He didn't threaten to ruin my life, but he laid the biggest guilt trip on me that he could. It was very upsetting.
Thanks for your responses. This was settled a few years back and since my talk with Mom, she has not criticized my life once. Any time I offer a passing complaint about my life--don't we all have a few?--she responds with something like, "I'm sure you'll work it out," or "Don't worry about that, it's no big deal."
So, this is now a terrific relationship with my mother. As for sister, I have only talked to her once in several years. I have another sister and brother whom I am fairly close to. So, maybe after some time, Sister and I can be "close" again, too. I'm not writing her off, entirely.
I just amazes me when I look back at my childhood. I was looked at with suspician and yelled at constantly. I was trying to be "good" and my wild sisters were treated like saints. And this continued for about 40 years!
Anyway, I'm glad it is resolved now, and I'm glad one sister settled down to become the lovely person she is today.
Thanks for your responses. The power the abuser has is that he or she knows that the victim will not usually bring the situation to light. It's very embarassing.
BlueTime, I feel for you that your acquaintance made you feel guilty. He was a jerk! And a cheapskate! Most people wouldn't dream of asking you to pay their bills or build their home for free, but they think nothing of asking for psychiatric help and free counseling. He owes you, what?, about $90 per hour, IMO.
The best way to get rid of someone is to tell them they owe you money!!!!!!!!
LOL SO true. I should send him a bill. I tried to give him advice, but he didn't want to take any of it. I knew him for about a decade, and I just couldn't take it anymore.
But that's one of the things Chemist listed there, great list BTW, but I just never thought about it. I thought he needed support.
Friendship isn't about having someone's shoulder to cry on, although that's ok sometimes of course, but there should be more happy times and less depressing times.
With drugs, you have to be strong. I always encourage people to bring it to light. I know its hard, but at least that can't manipulate you or blackmale you with it. Definately something to consider.
Urrgh, I can't tell you the number of times I have told Mrs. cav that she should be charging for the time she spends giving advice to her psychotic friends and pseudo-friends. Now, I don't think any of them are on drugs, but in those cases, "never trust a junkie" indeed applies. Proper therapists are what they need, who can accept a "never trust a junkie until they trust you" sort of emotional distance.
Maybe she could get caller ID and just take a break from them. If she's anything like me, she is very drained after listening to them.
Even if I don't suspect someone to be underhanded and devious, I won't let them dump on me... not anymore. I have run into a lot of people that do that. I think for a lot of them it was just a habit, and they were just a little too self absorbed.
