Ladies!!! I need your help!!!!

She's spelled out what she wants from you. What more can you ask for?

If you've forgotten what your wife likes, it's her you need to talk with, not us.

Give her an unexpected kiss on the cheek, do the washing up, take her out to dinner, book a weekend away, book a weekend at a beauty spa for her and a pal,get flowers delivered to her work place,drop the kids off at the in-laws and make her dinner.

Im quite surprised she wanted to be described as a 'trophy' as many women try to not be seen as a trophy.
When you go out together she wants to think you are shouting TO EVERYBODY 'HAY EVERBODY, LOOK AT MY WIFE, IM SO PROUD OF HER AND ISNT SHE GORGEOUS, WHAT A GREAT CATCH'.
She basically wants to feel beautiful and desirable in private and when going out.
Make her feel special.

At this point in time she says she needs space. In Jan she was talking about separation. Today she is running away. She cant stay in the house with me too long. She says its too uncomfortable for her. She says she doesn't want to have any regrets in her life. That's why she hasn't left the house yet. Im stuck with what to do. If I do the things she wants she will tell me Im not giving her the space she needs. If I don't do them then I'm not giving her what she needs.

Sounds like excuses.

Perhaps its her ticket out.

She wants space
She wants to be a trophy wife


She wants you to plan things
She wants you to surprise her

Its time you said to her, 'Ive heard what youve said, Il give you all the space you need.Just know that Im here for you when you need me'.
The ball is in her court.She cant expect you to read her mind and to react accordingly.Thats not fair on you.

materialgirl, if he does this, then he'll become her bouncing ball.
A woman needs to respect her man, otherwise he has lost already.

Life if fraught with contradictions.

Mutual respect is still a key factor, DD.

Sounds like she's given you contradictory messages. Or perhaps she's come to this because of what you said in your first post.

Either way, as Bella Dea said, this is for you to discuss with her. We can't possibly help you negotiate the pitfalls since we don't know anything about you two.

I think more clarity from her is needed in any case.

Here a letter I wrote to her (havent given it to her yet)!



I'm so sorry for not listening when you confessed to me how unhappy you had become in our marriage and in life. I took us for granted and I can't take that back. The fact that I ignored, denied, whatever you want to call it, left you very hurt inside. It sucks that it's only now that I get my epiphany. I see that you are even more pained that it had to get to this point. Even at the best of our time together I can't even begin to make it right with you because your heart is too filled with pain, guilt, resentment, and anger to allow any love inside. Once you let go, tell all, forgive me, forgive yourself, things will get better (one way or the other). Just be patient.

I understand your need to find reason in your life. To run away from everything. I need you to know that I have been there myself a few times and it is never easy. It seems like unhappy people desperately try to find reasons for their unhappiness. Many times they see their husband/wife as the problem. It's easy to do. They are right there, and it's convenient. Just know that that kind of tunnel vision will prevent happiness from ever happening for you/us. Search outside the convenient and root out what needs to be rooted. It takes two people to save a marriage and two people to destroy it. Both of us are 100% responsible for all our successes and our failures. Marriage is supposed to be forever, but many times it takes lots of work to make that happen.

This is not a guilt letter or an ultimatum. It's just a letter of observation and understanding. We both have to be sure of what we want from our future. This is a huge life decision.

Oy, the contradictions! They're everywhere.

In your letter, the first half is this affirmation-type stuff -- "you have a right to be mad at me, I'm sorry."

Then the second half is "you have no right to be mad at me, I'm just a convenient scapegoat for your unrelated unhappiness."

What do you think it will accomplish? How do you think that letter will move anything forward instead of just circle right back to the limbo you say you're tired of?

That's letter number 25. I have written her many. None have been given to her. I just need to get it out. Now that I re-read it you are very correct. Its messed up. Ive been told by people that I am "passive aggressive". That letter somehow confirms that!

Peter, writing things down is a great way to let things out, even if you dont show her. I do it too. Now instead of talking about your difficulties and trying to struggle harder, I suggest you just recognize the simple fact that your wife is not getting enough of the attention that she needs to feel special. She wants you to think about her and do things for her out of the blue, to be a classic gentleman, to do the stereotypical romantic things like surprising her with flowers and dinners out. Just do it.

I know shes looking for passion in our marriage. She seems to want the butterflies she first felt when we got together. But after 10 years those come and go for both of us. Somehow she cant except that. We started to become more like best friends that comfort and support each other no matter what. I see that as the normal evolution of any long term relationship. She sees it as a sign the relationship is failing.

I agree with you, that sounds perfectly normal to me. I think she is illusioned.

To comment, I'm going to have to reread Peter's threads. I've read them fast and am now fairly confused. Back later.

Im 40 and shes 30 maybe thats the problem. How do I make her understand that what is happening in our marriage is a normal thing??

if you read the thread "lost cause"? it may make more sense