Husband using porn 3 x per week, help?

update
My husband has moved out of house, staying with friends. He scheduled counseling on his own. He wants me to see a counselor too. He asked if I would consider counseling together. Ironically, the person who hurt me the most will be the one who can help me the most. I have agreed to try counseling to help me deal with the betrayal of trust.

Most of my girlfriends that I have spoken with would not have reacted as extreme as I have reacted. Meaning, they would not feel as betrayed and would consider him having "uno" time as just that time to himself. Others fall somewhere in the middle. I guess the best thing to do is try the counseling and see where the process happens.

Currently, I have changed the locks on the house, changed the bank accounts, and sent the hard drives to be searched for deleted data and temporary internet files. Until I know what exactly he was spending up to 4 nights a week absorbed in fantasy, then I can't make judgement.

I am still very hurt, betrayed, angry, but unsure how this will turn out. I think I owe it to me and my daughter to try the counselling.

My husband can't answer any questions like why was he on the computer instead of with me. Why he did not tell me about his porn use. Why he did not invite me to join him. He keeps saying he does not know the answers and he thinks he has an addiction, a problem with the porn.

He is seeking counseling. I don't know at this point. Is he addicted or just selfish with disregard for my heart.

All my friends feel our marriage is too strong and perfect in all other areas to not try to work this out and process this issue.

In the meantime, should I let him stay here in the guest bedroom, he is having to stay with different friends. He could rent a room close to here so he could see our daughter etc.....while we try to seek counseling.

I am unsure if having him in the house would be healthy. Many of my girlfriends have laughed that I kicked him out for masturbating to porn. However, I feel he has put this between me and him in the bedroom, but some of my girlfriends feel I am exagerating a bit. Meaning, that all guys masturbate and some do it to porn, I am so unsure if I am doing the right thing.

I am sleeping a bit better and eating again at least.

Lagniappe

Lagniappe--

The important element here is not what your friends think or what people on A2K think, but what do you think.

You've said that you tend to blame yourself for events that are not your fault.

You've been unhappy with your sex life for a long, long time.

Counselling--by yourself at first--would help you see why discovering your husband's dependence on porn for sexual satisfaction sent you into a tailspin. I think you have to understand yourself, whatever happens to your marriage.

Because you feel there is a possibility that your husband has been sampling kiddy porn, wait until this point is settled before he settles into the spare bedroom.

Counselling can be expensive and maintaining two households is sure to be expensive.

Take one day at a time.

I think you really meant XXX per week.

Lagniappe--

What's happening? Are you easier in your mind?

i think porn is sick.i think if you look at porn while your married your not happy in the marriage and you want more than that partner.its disrespectful to anyone and trashy.i hope you resolve your problems good luck

sorry for so long without a post
Noddy,

He has not been looking at child porn. Mostly hard core free movie clips on internet. Lots of annal sex between men and women and women with other women doing annal sex acts. Very vulgar and some are violent, very hard core porn. I am disgusted and so sickened by the movie clips I found on the temporary internet files.

I did allow him to come stay in the guest bedroom as I feel bad him imposing on friends. He has started SSA (sex addicts anonymous). He claims to be an addict and that is why he did this for the last 10-11 years.

I have gone back and forth. Talked to many friends. The opinions vary, some laugh and tell me to get my church dress off. That masturbation 3 times to 4 times per week is his alone time. However, I did not share all the details with my friends due to shame on my part. Meaning, I did not share the type of movies he is watching nor how the porn has numbed him in our relationship.

I feel I married a porn creep. I married a liar. I married a selfish person who looked our for his own interests. I feel sorry for him sometimes and my daughter. My friends all 7 girlfriends I have spoken too has encourgared marrigae counseling and to try to work it out.

However, I just feel I deserve better. I deserve a man who will say he loves me. A man who by his actions will love me. A man who does not crave annal sex and does not feel the need to masturbate to the computer more than being with me.

Am I crazy to end a marriage over my husband's porn habit?

Also, where can I get good legal advice for divorce. I want to start looking at protecting myself in case of divorce.

I need to know if bank accounts have my name on them does he still get half. Also we are selling a beach cottage that will close on the 23rd of April, I was wandering about legal issues related to sale etc....

Any good ideas besides retaining a lawyer with how to get the scoop on legal issues related to divorce, maybe on this able2know but I don't know how to serach correctly to get the posts around legal issues and divorce.

Lagniappe

Lagniappe--

I'm delighted for everyone's sake that your husband's tastes do not involve Child Porn. Whether you decide on marriage or on divorce, this will make life much simpler.

You have to be the one to decide whether or not the years of porn and masterbation are sufficient cause to end your marriage.

For me a very important factor would be whether the porn your husband chose treated women as sex objects, as beings without feelings and whether your husband treated you this way in and out of the bedroom.

"Alone Time" is a marriage is one thing. An "Alone Time" that bleeds over into "Lover Time" and corrupts and corrodes a relationship is much more serious. Do you feel that you have been treated as a thing rather than as a beloved partner?

Incidently, the correct spelling is "anal".

Do you think your husband was trying to get caught?

Does he call himself "addicted" as though he is a man who chose to develop a problem or as though he is a man who is not responsible for his actions because he is addicted?

Does the SSA group have a COSA (Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous) for partners and families of Porn Addicts? Your girlfriends have no concept of what you're dealing with and my knowledge is only theoretical. Talking to other women who have been in your position could be very helpful.

This I can be sure of: If you are contemplating divorce, get a Divorce Lawyer. You have every right to know where you will stand financially if you go through with a divorce. This is not something you can research all by yourself.

You can post a question on A2K in the Legal forum and probably get the same advice I've given you. Be sure to include the name of the state you live in since laws vary widely from state to state.

Good luck.

husbands use of porn
I have just discovered my husbands (age 53) use of internet porn. Though I had asked many times because of his long hours on the internet if this was true he either ignored my question or obviously lied.

By checking his internet history I found out and he denied it anyway. When I wouldn't back down he virtually collapsed with shame. This discovery is on the heels of his having an emotional affair with a girl at work.

We haven't had sex for many years as he was experiencing impotence and I didn't want to humiliated him. I didn't mind since the sex was never great anyway. He tells me because he wasn't able to perform he sought refuge on the internet looking at anal sex and women having sex or a man with two women.

Reeling from the emotional affair I sought therapy. He has just started therapy too. I never kicked him out. I have been the one trying to get to the truth of the matter and suffering the pain and shame of it all. After the affair (which may not be terminated but certainly curtailed) I have struggled to get him re-interested in sex with me and hope with practice we can achieve sexual release.

I am a male who stumbled onto this thread. Please don't end your marriages over something as silly as internet porn. Men are visual creatures. Every man looks at internet porn. You can complain, you can threaten, you can cry and all it will do is make him hide his activities from you or grow more distant. I am just being honest here.

All men love beautiful women and they love sex. Just because he is looking at porn on the net doesn't mean he loves you any less. Porn is quick and easy and doesn't require any effort on his part. It's much easier for him to close the door, turn on the PC and click on a website than it is for him to get you in the mood, get you alone, and make love to you. It's the same with a sexy, beautiful girl walking down the street. He will check her out. He may not do it in front of you, but I promise, he will look when you aren't there. All men do this. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean that he wants someone else. It's the same with the internet porn... it's free, it's easy and it requires no effort on his part. He also views it as harmless, as long as he goes no further than looking.

So what can you do about it? Here is where it get's tricky for me. It's not your fault, so don't blame yourself. Men are just visual creatures. I am not blaming you either. I am just telling you how to change things. Men get bored, the same as women do. Men can also have trouble performing at the drop of a hat.

Too often, the scenario is this - You been married for several years. You have children who demand much of your time. Sex ends up being something that is expected late at night, after the kids are asleep. There is no time for romance, or dressing up. You are both tired, so the object is to just get it over with, satisfy each other and get to sleep. If he gets horny during the afternoon, there is zero chance that you will fulfill his needs. Porn is the easy answer for him. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you... it's just convenient.

Ask yourself these questions..

1. Have I stopped fixing myself up (makeup, hair, etc) like I did when we were dating?

2. Am I overweight? Have I lost interest in being physically attractive to him?

3. Do I generally expect sex only late at night, after everything else has been taken care of? Do I wait until he comes to bed, then say "Wanna fool around?" with no teasing, no warning and no foreplay?

4. Did I stop complementing him and trying to make him feel sexy?

5. Has it been ages since I bought some sexy clothes or put on a sexy outfit just to turn him on?

6. Are there certain sexual acts that he enjoys and that I refuse to ever do?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then there are ways to improve your own situation. Men are visual creatures, so make yourself as visually appealing as possible. Be sexy, be beautiful, look your best. Tell him he is hot... grab his butt once in a while. Make him feel sexy and he'll want sex. Tease him a little and he'll respond. Schedule some free time away from the kids. Get a sitter. If you wait until late at night, then you'll get a tired lover or a guy who doesn't want to perform at all. If he likes oral sex, then do it sometime. It won't kill you and he'll wonder what got into you. If he likes anal sex, then take it slow and try it once in a while. Most women hate it and most men only want it because they can't have it. You don't have to do it every night.

If you know he is hidden away and looking at his computer, then surprise him. Dress sexy, put on some makeup, fix your hair and knock on that door. Go in there and grab him. Look at some porn with him (even if you hate it, pretend to be interested)... ask him what kind of porn he likes best. Have sex with him right there. The objective here is to steal him back from his imaginary sex life.

Once more, I am not blaming women for the way men behave. I am just telling you that it's silly to throw away a relationship because of some stupid pictures on the net. You women are the most beautiful creatures on the planet. Men will do anything for you or for your attention. The solution is in your own hands and you don't even realize it. There is no way a digital image can compete with the real thing. You have the power to take control of the situation and you don't even realize it. The more you forbid him to look at porn, the more he will desire it. If he likes porn, then use it to your own advantage. Forbidding it won't make him like it any less.

It may take some effort on your part, but the results will be worth it. The problem is not your fault. Still, you can take control. You just need to ask yourself if he is worth it.

Maleadvice--

Few women can feel loving and seductive when their partner is treating them as sexual conveniences as inspired by porn flicks.

The problem here is not only the porn, but the husband's disconnect between lust and love.

Very true. But it is a bridge that can be easily gapped. Someone has to take the first step in saving the relationship. It may not be fair that a woman should have to do this, but it is a very simple thing to do. I promise you that if a woman takes the initiative, that his porn habits will become a smaller part of his life and eventually disappear. Take control of the situation. Become his fantasy...Be sexy, make him want you, compliment him while he's making love to you. Tell him he is the best (even if he isn't). Make an effort.

To me, there is no such thing as a porn addiction. No one ever experienced physical withdrawals when deprived of porn. Porn fulfills a visual and, quite often, an emotional need. Any woman, no matter who she is, can fulfill these same needs. Our busy lives... work, kids, etc can create voids in a couple's life. The gap can be bridged, but it takes time and effort.

The alternatives are to end the relationship or live an unhappy life.

let's put aside men being visual creatures for a moment. None are more visual than I, but I wouldn't buy any of his excuses. He seems incapable of honest direct communication and doesn't deserve a loving caring wife.

Can he bridge the gap? Will he TRY? My bet is that if he can, it'll be temporary, but... I'd love for ME to be wrong here and that the marriage can be saved..somehow.

There IS such a thing as porn addiction and to state otherwise is to be in denial.

The bottom line here is that a partner has to make a commitment to the happiness of their partner. This man voted with his penis where he wants to satisfy his lust. He clearly doesn't show his wife that she can satisfy his passion and sexual needs. How disrespectful and dishonest to conduct himself after many years with her like this! Deception is not commitment.

Dump him like yesterday's newspaper

I figured my suggestions would go over here like a lead weight. It's much easier to just get a divorce and destroy the lives of everyone else then it is to make an effort to fix things. Please feel free to carry on with the man hating.

aren't the lives of these people already in a turmoil? They're not destroyed now, YET... but they could be if the travesty as it stands now is allowed to continue uncorrected.

Man hating? What? I'm a man..fercrissakes. i don't hate myself and I don't hate my gender.

...and divorce doesn't mean a destroying of lives. Continuing a sham marriage can easily destroy lives though.

There has to be insight into the reason that he chooses to resort to porn. It could be that he fears intimacy with his wife...or that he fears intimacy period! If so, that has to be addressed. or undressed. LOL

Ragman--

I have a feeling that Maleadvice didn't bother reading the entire thread.

Ironic that while he could have access to the entire story--which her friends do not--he's giving the same sort of uninformed advice.

correct, Noddy!

Maleadvice: please go back and read the entire thread. THEN come back and make comments. It would help you understand better to have the whole picture.