Husband using porn 3 x per week, help?

cypher -
If there's nothing wrong with the plumbing, the guy just has to exercise enough discipline to use his lust on the living and not the digitally imaged.

Well, yeah, but what if there's something wrong in the mental aspect of the plumbing, ya know? I mean, some kind of anxiety or something that was making it difficult for him to function normally in a real-life situation?

Just thinking perhaps some counselling to investigate that further might not be a bad idea.

(BTW, I just wanted to add my thanks to the others for your honesty about this issue in your earlier post-- I am always frustrated by the short-sighted responses from so many people here when these porn threads get started, so I think it's very cool of you to acknowledge the potential for problems.)

Thanks, cypher.

Lagniappe,

Welcome friend. I understand what you are going through -- especially the initial shock. I've been married for 25 years in the exact same situation.

Your husband's addiction is an illness -- it doesn't mean he doesn't love you and your child. It sounds like you have a good marriage otherwise, and it might be worth seeking some professional help to try to salvage it.

That said, let me explain that professional help did not solve these problems in my own marriage. When my husband was "caught," he simply got better at lying about it and hiding it. It was touch and go for us for a long time. We didn't have Internet when we got married -- but magazines, movies and porn shops, all of which became a habit long before we met.

It tears at a woman's sense of her own femininity and self worth to discover that her husband has left her in the dust to masturbate instead --that you could possibly spend your entire marriage like this. You need to come to the realization that this is not your fault.

How much are you willing to settle for? I finally compromised.

I have not had sex with my husband in about 10 years -- at least. I have lost track now. How I have yearned for a sexy husband -- what I have is a nice roommate.

I explained my own situation in more detail in a similar post with the topic "My husband watches porn instead of sleeping with me" dated March 7.

Please get some counseling -- at least to help you cope and get through some difficult days ahead.

To all of you,
thanks for the input.
quantumleap, your post made me feel not alone, thanks.
He is out of the house this week staying with friends.

I don't think I can just be roommates with him. I will need to make some tough calls. I gave him so many opportunities to tell the truth, I really thought he may be gay. Whatever it was, I just wanted the truth. He never in 9 years choose the truth. Instead, he did leave me in the dust for porn. He did exactly what he wanted and desired without concern for me. He has been awesome in so many ways. But I don't think anything excuses his selfishness and lack of respect for me. I have hard hard time coming to terms with this. He was my best friend and my lover. However, he lied to me the whole time and never made love to me. He was making love to the internet more than he was with me.

If there was an anxiety issues then he needed to come to me and get counseling not masturbate to porn on internet 3-4 times per week. He often did this 3-4 days in a row with a few days off from the porn. He said he could climax with me on the weeks that he did not maturbate or look at porn.

I feel very very much to blame. What did I do to drive him away What didn't I do to make it good for him. I am not the most beautiful person on the outside but I am an athletic girl with average looks. I am not repulsive or anything. Anyway, I am coming to see that I can't live with a liar, he was not my best friend or lover. He loved himself this whole time.

Lagniappe

Question: Are you willing to pick up the 3-4 times a week?

Maybe he has a high sex drive and you don't?

Lagniappe--

My sympathies are with you, but you can't your cake and eat it too:



The porn is his problem--you are not to blame.

You did not make the porn available. You did not urge him to view the porn. You did not refuse sex out of pique or ill-temper.

You can't take any of the blame for his porn addiction (and his lies about porn addiction) upon yourself.

Factually speaking, you've had a lousy sex life and this is not your fault. Trying to assume blame that belongs to your husband just confuses the issue.

I assume the issue is whether or not you will stay married to him. Do you see the problem differently? Remember, you can't erase the past, whatever happens. You can only accept it and move forward.

Listen to Noddy...she's a smart 'un.

:wink:

Yes Noddy is a smart 'un
she sees the whole picture and analyzes out the smaller details to clear the way for the real problem.

Noddy is right, but I need time to process
I do blame myself, my default reaction to most situations
I do need counseling

I am also wanting to have someone do a forensic search on the CPU he was searching on from home. I need to know if he was into anything illeagal like kid porn. I hope not, he says he was not but coming from a man who lied to me for the whole marriage, I don't believe much from him anymore.

I also need to get a counselor
I need to figure out how to proceed with a separation for now.
So much, I am overwhelmed

I have to be a presenter tomorrow for an all day workshop for my job. I hope I don't just bust into tears while talking up there

Keep you posted,

Lagniappe

Lagniappe--

Thanks for the kind words. (You, too, Bella--many thanks).

You need to find a counsellor.

You need to get a lawyer.

You need to sit down with your "husband" and plan your separation so that your kids' lives are disrupted as little as possible.

Right now, I'd say a forensic search of your "husbands" computer wanderings is not essential. Do you plan to turn the information over to a law enforcement agency? Can you be sure that your forensic investigator won't have him arrested?

For the sake of your sanity, concentrate on essentials.

Good luck tomorrow. You can do it.

Hold your dominion.

I am exhausted! I don't sleep, I can't eat, I have lost 3 pounds this week since Sat.

I gave the presentation today and I did not cry in front of the attendees

Yes, I need to find a counselor
get a mediation going for the separation etc... I hear it is cheaper to use a mediator vs a lawyer

I want the forensic search to protect my children in case he was looking at illeagal kid porn. Yes he would be arrested if found though. That is what the investigator told me, it kid porn is found then it is immediately turned over to the police. That is what he deserves if kid porn is found but I really don't think he was looking at kid porn. He was addicted to annal sex photos of all things

Most are fake and digitally cut and paste, can you believe he ruined my life over digital images that are fake. He also ruined our kids lives. What a selfish person, meeting his own needs for 10 years disregarding us.

I will do more tomorrow to get the separation legally started and get a counselor etc... I am exhausted right now, can't even blink my eyes

Lagniappe

Lagniappe--

Hang in there. You have a rocky climb ahead of you, but you've made a start.

More later.

Hold your dominion.

I have read all the posts on this thread and I have to say I'm truly sorry 4 you're hurt. This guy has some problems. To sacrifice a family and life for porn is ridiculous. Soon he will be in front of the cpu masturbating to bum holes in an empty house. If you truly want to know what he's been looking at and are using Windows XP I can post an easy way you can find out. Just let me know.

Now that really wouldn't solve anything, would it?

Good luck Lagniappe - just wanted to say I think your handle is really cool. Hopefully, as it implies, you'll be giving us all advice soon.

It would solve absolutely nothing, I agree. Just may give piece of mind and reassurance. She wants to hire someone to do a forensic search, just though she could save some $$ and keep it private at the same time. My apologies to all

peter 2007

no apologies, I just checked the thread! I wish I would have read it before I went ahead and took the CPU apart. I sent off the hard drives to a data recovery company
However when I get the hard drives back could you post or send me how to look at the computer stuff

I wished I could have had the info before I made the decision to send the harddrives away, there were 2 in the unit. I am not very good with computers but could you post and I can look on my computer too.

He about 1 year ago kicked me out of the computer area and had me set up shop on main floor of house where his computer is in the basement we have wireless internet in the house.

Please do give the instructions, peace of mind about what he has been looking at will help me allow him to visit with my daugher without more anxiety.

Thanks for the person who commented on his being in an empty house masturbating to the porn on the net. I am a very good person, I can't believe I allowed him to treat me this way for 11 years. The betrayl of trust is almost too much for me to bear.

Peter007 please give info, thanks

Lagniappe

i shouldnt post it here but my email is [email protected]

If there is something to see maybe it is better if a stranger told you what was found instead of seeing it 4 yourself. It may be more than you need right now.

not a smart move, posting your personal email here...