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Sun 11 Mar, 2007 06:02 am
HI,
I need help. Just found my husband masturbating to the computer yesterday when I came home from errand. He lied at first saying it was only the 3rd time, after more discussion he admitted that he does this 3 times per week for the last 7 years of our marriage. We have been married 10 years and I found porn magazines before I married him. I let him know I was not comfortable with this type of porn (not playboy) No animals or children involved just really hard core sex, lots of annal sex.
Our 10 year old daughter was home while I walked in on him. Also, our sex life has been ok. He has trouble climaxing no matter what I do. He admits to masturbating before he goes to bed to computer etc.. however with me he only can climax during more the mid day time frame. This is when I walked in on him. Is this an addiction, I feel very cheated on and I feel it is affecting my sex life and marriage. I want to ask him to leave and I am considering a divorce since he has been hiding this from me for so long. Also Our sex was 5 times a week for first 6 mos then we have averaged 2 time a month with 1 xi per week for about the last year. There were times in there though where we did not have sex consistently like one year where we barely had sex. He hardly ever initiates sex with me either, and he has never made love to me missionary style to the point of climax, always alternate positions. I would like more soft sex sometimes but it never has been that way.
I don' totally disagree with porn and I know the bedroom needs some spice. I have been ok with toys etc..... However, he has been putting this porn ahead of me for almost 10 years I feel,
Any responses would be very helpful. Please give your honest opinion, I am considering ending my marriage that would affect me daughter
Men out there is this normal? 3 times a week masturbating to computer?
thanks
confused
welcome
Welcome to A2K.
See the following link on A2K for a full and almost identical discussion as you presented:
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=84461&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
Lagniappe--
Welcome to A2K.
We've had a lot of discussions of Husbands and Porn on A2K and some of our most compassionate members have said what they have to say on other threads.
Are other aspects of your marriage satisfactory?
Our marriage is fine except for the porn and intamacy issue
thank you for welcoming me
Nobody 24 and Ragman,
I am just learning how to use the site, trouble posting etc...
thanks for your questions and I will look at the link right now
Other parts of our marriage are almost perfect. I am a cancer survivor and he stood through chemo with me etc.....
thanks for any input
Lagniappe
It's kind of telling to me that there don't seem to be any males who post to this, or the other threads about similar relationship problems, who admit to any personal experience with dysfunction in a relationship related to overuse of porn. All of them seem to be saying that it's a perfectly natural and healthy thing, and only a problem if the spouse doesn't agree with it. In short, I think they are in denial about the obvious potential for problems that "lust on demand" brings with it.
I think the increasingly easy availability of internet porn has certainly been an obstacle for a lot of couples to deal with. I know that it has at one time or another taken away from the quality of intimacy that I have been able to share with my intended. What has allowed us to get past it in large part has been our ability to talk about it.
We are as sick as our secrets. If you have a spouse who keeps his constant masturbating to internet porn a secret, it is a problem until and unless he is able at least to be honest about it.
FWIW, I'm male and this was my reply to the same issue in the other parallel thread:
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=84461&start=70
Laginappe--
Is the problem with the way he satisfies himself sexually or is it that you are not sexually satisfied?
Ending a good marriage without exploring alternatives would be a shame.
Snood--
Good post.
Ragman--
Also good post.
snood wrote:What's 'FWIW'?
For What It's Worth, I think.
I don't have a medical definition, but I would think that anything could be defined as an addiction (porn, coffee, cigarettes, beer, sports, etc) when it interfere's with one's life responsibilities and relationships to the point of being detrimental ones self or others.
not the porn but the hiding
I am talking with my husband at least. Found out he started this masturbating to porn when my daughter was 3 months old. She will be 11 next month. I have asked him many times what is wrong with me that he would not be more attracted to me but he never came clean and honest about the porn.
I never looked on the internet or snooped just trusted him.
I don't think the porn is what bothers me, it is the trust issues, even that I asked "Are you gay" "Do you have a girlfriend" "do you look at porn" asking for answers to possible bedroom issues.
We do have sex about 1 time per week however, it is never the soft loving sex I long for, and I knew there was something between us. He had trouble climaxing too often. I think the hiding of internet porn for more than 8 years is what is eating at me.
Our marriage has many strengths and we have been through a lot as a couple. However, I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
thanks for your comments, the good post was good!
Lagniappe
Lagniappe--
You can forgive him (and put the past behind you) and stay in the marriage or you can announce, "You have lied to me. I can no longer trust you." and walk out.
Is he interested in talking? In using the sex toys more gently for your satisfaction? In raising his children with both parents under the same roof?
he wants to stay in marriage
Noddy,
He wants to stay in marriage, he says he will do anything to keep us together. He is willing to go to counseling and stop the porn sites for now eventhough I did not put an ultimatium for that.
I think he is saying what he thinks I want to hear. I am not sure if I can forgive the mistrust for 9 years, always saying in the bedroom "it's not your fault" when he could not orgasam in the bedroom. It happened more frequent than expected that he could not climax mostly because I think the porn was interferring in our relationship.
He looks at annal stuff on line and I think he wants annal sex in bedroom however I am not willing to do this so he fixated possibly on annal sex? Now the 3-4 times a week with the pics of annal sex can't compare to me in the bedroom without annal sex so he therefore does not climax. Plus I think he is so busy with the internet sex that he has no energy left for our real marriage. I am so angry and hurt, sobbing off and on. I gave 10 years to him, my best years, always being a available and willing partner except for the annal sex. He never once came clean after asking him for 10 years what is it when he could not climax. I have been lied to and hurt for 10 years. I don't think I can forgive him. I am so angry and betrayed. So hurt...........
Lagniappe--
Gross simplification:
You feel this man has been an adequate husband, but an unfaithful and dishonest lover?
His fixation on anal porn may require specialized counseling with a sex therapist. I don't know. Although his hangup affects the marriage, this is essentially his problem.
If he really wants to change, it seems to me--and I am not a professional--that he should be willing to accommodate your needs in the bedroom whether or not meeting your needs satisfy him.
Do you believe that mutual climaxing is necessary for a happy marriage?
So, . . . what . . . you want him to use porn more than three times per week?
Yeah, that's what she wants...
mutual climax not a must
Noddy,
Hi, mutual climax is not a must
Issue is the distrust and lies over the last 9 years. The addiction to annal sex porn every other day took away 9 years of a love life that I missed. I live by honest, integrity, compassion and truth. I expected more from someone who loves me. Gave him many chances to tell the truth over the past 9 years. In 10 years of marriage, he never made love to me tenderly. I don't have to have it soft and tender everytime but once in a while would be nice.
Mutual climax not a must but him climaxing would be nice. He had trouble climaxing 2/3 times we made love mostly not climaxing but 1/3 times we have sex.
The porn came between our ability to make love. He was so addicted to the annal porn that sex with me was not enough.
Lagniappe
Lagniappe wrote:No animals or children involved just really hard core sex, lots of annal sex.
The absence of animals bothers me. Obviously your husband needs to analyze his priorities.
not the response I am interested in reading
I don't really have any advice on this except to ignore Gustavratzenhofer; he's being "funny." Those of us who don't quite see the humor in beastiality must just resign ourselves to ignoring 75% of posts bearing the name of Ratzenhofer...
Well, and let me add that I've been wondering if the trouble climaxing is really due to being spent on all the porn, or if it's possible that the porn use is easier for him because he's uncomfortable about his problem with climaxing? I could see that it would make a guy feel inadequate if 2 out of 3 times he was having trouble finishing; perhaps porn became an outlet for him after he started having that problem?
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